Mel, I understand where you are coming from in this. I just think the issues with his wife are really control based and that no matter what he does, she will not be happy.

gabo, I do think getting those books would be a help to you.

I have a question for you...

do you think you can really make her happy? or is she someone that always finds something to pick apart?

MEDC, and that may be the case, but he has engaged in ALOT of annoying behavior that would send me over the edge. He first has to try to end that and THEN see what happens.

Guys
I knew I wasn't writing correctly. I don't do ANY lovebustin!! I do nothing! I don't wear a bandana around her, I don't dress sloppily, I don't do ANYTHING!! I havent for months!!

But, I don't go out of my way to do things to make her happy.
I did for 6 months. I think Melody posted that I filled my love bank account for 8 months and I was surprised she did love me again!! Nothing could be further from the truth!! I did not, for one minute, expect her to LIKE me again, let alone LOVE me!!. I just wanted some of the anger to go away, and it didn't, not one single solitary unit!!

I am VERY uncomfortable around my wife, because I know my VERY EXSISTANCE bothers her. She verbally ABUSED me new years eve. Verbally AND emotionally. No matter how mad I would get at her, I would never call her an EMBARESSMENT!!

I want to do what I can, but before all you nice people try to help me, know what I am up against. This is the PREDATOR, THE ALIEN, THE BEEZELBUB OF TICKED OFF WIVES!!!!
I have not LOVEBUSTED in EIGHT MONTHS. But I think my wife has her own lovebusting characteristics, like breathing, exsisting, being. You think that is an exaggeration? I don't. My wife is holding a grudge. Believe me, it is being held tighter than fort knox. Don't you think this stratagy is only effective if the negative spouse is AT LEAST OPEN to the idea that her spouse DESERVES TO LIVE???
I got my hands full and I don't want to mislead you guys~!!

Well, Mel, I imagine that since the Boys lost to the Giants, you were probably close to the edge anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's funny, but I am okay with him...but wouldn't tolerate her for 5 minutes. I guess it is perspective!

Melody
i said in the first post, that I originally posted in EN, and I was told that perhaps this would be more appropriate, so I did. I said that my first post was a paste!!

This is my first day, I am trying to figure all this out.

Oh, so it ONLY bothers her when you wear the bandana AROUND HER and it doesn't bother her that you go around looking like hired help as long as she is not there?

My wife is very tough.

ADD is a joke

depression is an excuse

post partum is a whine job

everyone is poor because thats their choice

everyone with a tatoo is a scumbag.

She is old school, no nonsense. I admired that about her, and now its biting me in the [censored]. I made my bed.

shaddup, MEDC!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You know, on second thought, STARFISH IS RIGHT!! Emotional Needs board is exactly where you should be! You need to be THERE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

GBGL,

Belated welcome to GQII. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I read this thread and wondered the following:

1. Have you ever read Dr. Harley's book His Needs/Her Needs?

2. Have you and your W taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? If not, take it 2 times. 1st and yourself and 2nd as her. See what ENs push to the top (top 3).

3. What do you and your W have in common vs what attracted u 2 to each other?

Just a few questions I came up with from reading your thread.

You may want to give Steve H a call to setup a phone counseling session. It seems like u 2 are on different paths.

JMHO,
L.

What exactly is WRONG with looking like my hired help? They make me my money! I am no better than them.

I like you. I like your attitude about your help too.

Go ask the folks on EN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok
I will go to EN. I thank you for time and everthing, you guys were really nice to share your thoughts with me. I hope everything goes great in your life.

Thanks again.

Good luck, gaba! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, what's you plan? If you keep going like this, there will be no change. Do you think your wife is capable of being happy? Or will she always complain about something?

I agree with MEDC. You have allowed your wife to abuse you with no consequences. Why should she change?

Have you ever thought that if she doesn't change you should put her out the door? I think you stand a much better chance of changing her behavior that way then to keep being her whipping boy.

I was the same way with my XW so I know what you are going thru. I always like to look at things as more of a fairness issue. If you were a woman and told me your husband treated you like that I would tell you that the abuse needs to stop or you should dump him.

Well the same goes for a man. If you continue to take abuse from someone that thinks they can get away with it then it will continue. My wife was the same way to me until the gravy train stopped. Dr. Harley's program can work but why stay married at any cost?

Your own description of what she says shows her contempt for you. Gosh maybe if you cut back on her money you turn over to her she might change. If she will not then why live like this with an abusive spouse.

Some men are not worth being married too and some women are not worth being married too. My mother was one of the worse people I have ever met. She destroyed everyones life that came in contact with her. If you are married to a woman like that then start demanding some respect. I learned too late in my marriage that if I took abuse she would dish it out. I may have saved it if I would have stood up to her early in our marriage.

You have allowed her to treat you like this for far too long. Unless you expect her to treat you with respect you are in for a very rough time. Just my humble opinion.

Gab, Melody has good intentions, but she is making an incorrect assumption that your wife will change if you do. The facts show otherwise. My read is like MEDC's and had enough - she is a selfish you know what. She will NEVER be happy, no matter what you do.

If you became able to walk on water, she would probably gripe that you splashed a few drops in the air. Assuming all you tell us is true, you need to completely forget about her and make yourself the best person you can.

That will either win her back or not. If it does, great, if not - do you really want to be with the type of person she has become?

I don't think so, and neither do you. It's time to stop trying to impress her, and impress yourself instead. She fell on love with who you were and still are. If she didn't like it, she shouldn't have married you.

Do you want to be her puppet forever, constantly having to change to meet her every whim? An ex girlfriend wanted her hubby to work more so they could have more money. Then she cheated on him, claiming it was his fault he was never around. You wife sounds like she is cut from the same cloth. No matter what you do, she will never be happy.

My friend, there are so many women who would kill to have a man like you. You don't need this whiny, complaining refuing to try drain on your life.

Make yourself better, let her choose to come along or not. Act accordingly.

Good luck, no man should have to go through what you are.
The bandana is a smokescreen - if it wasn't that it would be something else.

Gabagool,

I get the impression your W would rather have you "Look" like a successful business owner. But does not understand, what makes a great boss is leading by example, not being afraid of getting your hands dirty.

I suspect I can predict the result if you consulted her, you are considering hiring someone to help take on your workload, allowing you to manage in shirt and tie.

Is it possible the only reason she wants to remain under the same roof, she knows any other enviroment would require more bills, and less savings? That she values the bank account, and retirment saving more than both your, and her own happiness?

Mel has given you great idea's of things to change "IF" you have the heart, and desire to implement.

If everything you have stated is accurate... Personally, I don't think I could handle the disrespect you are dealing with.

Does she believe you would never leave her?

Maybe it's time she see/hear you are willing to do whatever's necessary to repair your M. But if she's not... Other options exsist.

-JKT

Set_You_Free wrote:
I think some guys here could benefit greatly from actually READING the Marriage Builders principles and educating themselves on WHY people fall in and out of love. This man's wife has fallen out of love with him, y'all, because of little annoying things like bandanas, shaving, etc. Ignoring her complaints is a SURE FIRE TICKET to what he has now: a WITHDRAWN WIFE WHO NO LONGER LOVES HIM.

Things like bandanas are important TO HER so it doesn't matter if she is right or wrong to dislike a bandana. What matters is it BOTHERS HER. It is a disrespectful judgement to say she is shallow, or whatever, for feeling that way. That is bullcrap. Physical appearance is a LEGITMATE EMOTIONAL NEED and is hardly shallow. Ignore your spouses needs at your own peril. You will end up with exactly what gabo has: a wife who hates him.

A recent Q&A column from Dr. Harley [who DOES know how to save marriages, by the way]:


Dear Dr. Harley,

My wife says that she wishes she could talk to me about the things
she is dissatisfied with in our marriage, so they could be addressed.
But when she does talk to me about these things, I get frustrated
because it seems like she is never happy with me. The progress I
make doesn't seem to matter.

I often see her explaining what she is upset about as complaining and
only focusing on the negative. I don't often feel like she has
recognized the good things about us. I want her to be more positive.
I think she complains too much and does not see the good in some
situations. I want her perspective to change, but she doesn't think
she has to do something different to make this happen.

Thanks for your help.

R.D.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear R.D.

On average, women complain far more often than men, in both good and
bad marriages. But there is a difference in how the complaints are
received in those marriages. In good marriages, a complaint is
regarded as a problem to be solved with wisdom and compassion. In
bad marriages, a complaint is viewed as an unnecessary irritant --
something that should be either ignored or reacted to with anger and
disrespect.

Remember what a complaint is -- it's a reminder that you are losing
love units in your account in your wife's Love Bank. She is simply
giving you accurate information about the present state of your
relationship. While it may be discouraging to hear that you are
losing ground, to be kept in the dark about such losses would be
worse in the long run.

More than anything else, your wife wants to be in love with you, and
you want her to be in love with you. So to achieve that crucial
objective you must know when her love for you is being threatened by
behavior that makes her unhappy. If your marriage has any hope of
recovery, she must tell you how she feels about your behavior, and
you must make corrections to eliminate her negative reactions.

Your wife's high incidence of negative reactions simply reflects the
number of issues that have yet to be resolved in your marriage. If
you want her to be more positive, you must address those issues, and
eliminate them one at a time. You've had success in the past, and
she has been very encouraged when that happens. But when you seem
to be overwhelmed by it all, and tell her that she must learn to be
more positive, she feels hopeless because there remain many issues
that must be resolved if she is to be happy and in love with you.

The harder you try to become sensitive to your wife reactions, the
more successful you will become in doing what it takes to make her
happy. The more you try to avoid anger, replacing it with empathy
(an effort to try to understand how your wife feels without being
defensive), the more your wife will feel your care for her, and
that in itself will make massive Love Bank deposits.

Remember, all of your efforts on your wife's behalf make a
difference in the way you think and behave. You are rerouting
neural pathways in your brain that will make it easier for you to
care for her in the future. While it may seem like a lot of
effort now, in the future, it will be almost effortless to address
your wife's complaints, and solve her problems with compassion.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.