Here it is:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2049322#Post2049322

If you scroll down, you'll get to the Plan B posts.

Thank you all for your posts and for sharing. I really needed that. Believer - you always answer me. Thank you especially It has been a very emotional few days. When I signed on I saw that there were a lot of posts. I was excited...excited as you can get in this situation. To my dismay, many of the post were in response to another person's post on my thread. This hurt a little. I took the time and energy to write what I was feeling and it was hard. I was at a point where I really needed some support as I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I definately want to hear from someone with a similiar situation but please be considerate of the original thread. I felt there was a conversation taking place and I was eavesdropping in my own post. I just put a caution out there because we are all at various levels of emotion and we should have respect for each other. This is not a big deal but I thought it was something worth mentioning.

All the posters to me had great advice. The list of Plan B steps was very helpful

Now some more questions. I am at a point where I am feeling resentment and feel that it is going to be very hard for me to write things about love and waiting for him. How do I get through this?

In Plan B can a notebook be used back and forth to relay info regarding kids schedules, etc. I am having a really hard time finding an intermediary. Plus, I teach my kids to solve their own problems with communication and not expect someone else to be their relayer, which contradicts no communication. Any thoughts?

What do you do when you have to attend school functions during Plan B. We have dance rehearsal and concerts coming up. Do you both go and keep away from each other?

Thanks again for all your help. It is the only thing that is getting me through this. Friends are helpful but they not in this situation.

No one responded to my prevous post. I am trying again and hoping to get some help.

Things have been worse. I asked WH if he picked up his check at work and he said they had already mailed it because it was the weekend. Long story short, I found it in his car. I also found a love letter to OW. I was destroyed by this letter. Throughout our 21 years together I asked for more conversation, affection, time at home, etc. He never complied. His letter has all the details about how much they connected, how great sex was with her and how he misses her.There was mention of how he has wanted to contact her. I believe the way it is written he has not contacted her. After I confronted him about this he said the letter was written a couple of months back but he never gave it to her. I believe he didn't because this was a rough draft. Bottom line, I was deeply hurt by what he wrote to her since he always told me he had trouble expressing feelings. Well he had no trouble with this letter. I have never received a letter like that even when he was away with the military for 6 months. He also said that he wanted to get a Mother's day gift from the kids and that is why he didn't tell me about the check. That may or may not be true.

I asked for a seperation 2 weeks ago. He has "conveniently" picked up extra shifts so he is not home at all. He is supposed to be cleaning out a house I have in the family and moving. He is procrastinating.

I am at wits end. I have been trying hard for 4 months and he has given me nothing. As I look back, I have been the one who has always taken care of everyone. He has been very selfish and childlike instead of being a responsible person. This was his personality before the affair and I would address it but nothing changed. I put up with it. Still not sure why he had the affair. It would seem that I should have had the affair by the amount of my needs not being met.

I wrote a 6 page letter last night stating how I was feeling and how hurt I was by the past lies, selfishness, the affair, and now what he is doing to his family. I told him that I love him but it's time to let go. I can't do this anymore. I really don't know if he is worth it. He has hurt me too many times. My kids don't say much but when they do they say that he should leave. They see that he has made no attempt at all. They see me caring for him - making lunch, dinner, etc. I feel so used, abused, and stripped of all happiness.

He didn't say a word to me about the letter. He usually doesn't address anything.

What do I do now? I want him out. I don't know if I want to waste another second on him. I know he doesn't want to move because he knows things will be harder for him. he has not given me a thread to hang onto. I just can't understand how he can be so cold.

Sorry to vent. Looking for some similiar experiences and advice.

Also, during seperation can a notebook used to communicate regarding children, bills, etc. I have already thried to prepare him for no contact.

Hello. No responses to my last 2 posts. Anyone out there with similarities, help or comments.
I will really appreciate any posts. Thanks

Hi Heartbreak. I don't have any helpful info for you, as I am pretty much in the same boat, getting ready to go into Plan B. I am feeling more and more like I do not even want to try to save our M- I have been thinking a lot about all of the little things I have put up with, all of the snarky comments and making me feel bad about myself. I do love him, but A LOT is going to have to change before I ever want to be in a meaningful R with him. It is so sad- but I am to the point where I am really going to just move on without him, and even if he does come around, I don't know if I will want him.

Anyway, I am sure one of the vets will come by soon and give you advice.

(((Hugs))).

Hi Redberries. Thanks for the post- I really needed it! It sounds like we are at the same place emotionally. I go between extreme sadness, being bitter, angry, and then just fed up. Like you I have put up with a lot. My H has his good points but there was major issues with priorities and just growing up.
I'm seeing our priest tomorrow. I talked with him once when I found out but a lot has changed in the past four months. H and I see the counselor this weekend too- probably the last time. What really sucks is that Mother's day is exactly 4 months from D Day.

Thanks again. I will read your thread and follow your story. Hang in there.

Heartbreak, I'm sorry not many have responded to your thread. I think they may have just overlooked it. I know I did and I was surprised when I read it.

Sweetie, many of us have been in your shoes on this board. Have you read SAA? Have you done a stellar Plan A before you jump into Plan B?

I read where you found a "love" () letter that your WH wrote to his OW, but claims he did not send. I found two of those to two different women during my FWH's loss of sanity. It IS heartbreaking. I too had never expected such a letter from my husband all those years because he just wasn't that way. Imagine my surprise when I read those letters. Ouch! Anyway, the letter is just a fantasy. I'm sorry you had to read it and I understand your pain.

Writing your husband six pages letters while he is a wayward is pretty useless, because it's not your husband reading it, it's the WS. You can't educate a WS.

If you feel like you've done a good Plan A, then you need to prepare (get your heart and you mind in synch) to go to Plan B. That's going to be very hard though if he's still in the home. I suggest you switch gears, study up on Plan A and try that for just a very SHORT time.

I'll put a call out for some help for you.

(((HB)))

Danilocomo11, you will get a lot more help here if you start your own thread. That way people can devote their attention to you and not detract from heartbreaks thread.

HB, as I see it, the first step here has to be to get your H out of the house. At the same time, you would want to avoid lovebusters.

Once he is gone, you can go into a DARK Plan B. I would set up your intermediary and get someone who will agree to be entirely neutral and pass on PERTINENT MESSAGES about the kids [and I don't mean messages about which clothes to send]. Your H doesn't have to agree and I would not even discuss it. Just get him out and then we can help you from there.

And please don't give him anymore letters. He is a fogged, detached WS and the last thing he wants is a letter like that.

Your H is still in contact with the OW, isn't he? Have you spoken to the OWH again to see what he is seeing from his end?

Also, have you told your children about the affair? They need to know the facts so they can be prepared. If you don't give the truth, you can rest assured your WS will give them SPIN.

Heartbreak,

I remember when I first came on here almost a year ago, I was devastated and wanted answers so badly. I also remember not getting responses and being hurt. I'm glad you spoke up. I actually learned to do that because I came acrosse Mimi's Plan B thread and I read how she talked. So kudos to you, to keep posting.

I'm at work, my boss is in and out of her office and gets upset when she sees me on here. She is leaving at noon and I will be back to read your post and offer any thing that I can.

We are here to support you, and I am glad you are still posting and asking.

Don't give up on us yet.

I see no contradiction here. If your children grew up and found themselves in this same situation, then they should ALSO go to Plan B and end all communication with their abusive spouse. There is no virtue in communicating with an abusive spouse. You will be setting a GOOD example for your kids by removing yourself from his abuse. Your kids should have all the facts and be told WHY you are doing this.

You are doing this because their fathers affair and his subsequent neglect is so painful to you that you must end contact for now. Kids can understand that.

The best way to handle this is to get your H out, set up a visitation schedule and get into a routine. Get your financial situation settled. About 3 weeks after he leaves, the thrill will wear off he will start missing you and the kids. That is the time to go DARK! as night.

That gives you another few weeks to conduct a great Plan A.

hb, I wondered why you weren't getting many responses and I think I can see why. You are not responding to posters on a daily basis so they just move onto other threads. There are many days between some of your posts, so folks just forget about it.

I suspect you will get more responses if you respond a couple of times a day so you aren't going back to page 5. That will keep your situation top of mind and on page 1.

HB,

So sorry for my part in the threadjack. This is the only forum I've ever really posted on...guess I need to work on my posting etiquette.

I also found a love letter to the OW and it made me physically ill. I posted about it on my thread and Mr. W wrote something to me about that letter that that made me feel so much better. Maybe it'll help you too...


Hang in there!

So what is going on with hubby moving out? I figured you would have a hard time getting him out. He has it made, so why move? Has he made any headway at all in that direction?

Hi HB,

I went through your post and I am really very new into Plan B. I am curious why you are telling your WH what your plans are about not speaking with him?

Vets, please help me here. Since my Plan B was hand delivered I have not spoken, emailed, or had any kind of one on one contact. The closet contact I have had is WH dropping in at my children's games, but he always stays way up in the stands.

The season is over and the only other possible chance of running into WH is at my son's high school graduation and I will absolutely stay out of sight.

I believe that I am fighting a war for my M, I am following what people's advice is, and trying to keep to the plans as close as possible.

I have gone throught the gamet of feelings accept the dead on anger. I have moments, but nothing extreme. There is no way to explain why this is happening and sometimes like in the bible things happened, not for any other reason, but for G-d to be glorified for his ability to do good in the wake of such destruction. Many on here have shared with me that G-d desire for us isn't always happiness in our terms, but in his terms, and we just have to somehow trust him and walk in FAITH.

As for Plan B, it took me a LONG time to get there. I can honestly say that when I am completely removed from the absolute chaos that WH represents I am much happier. I still struggle, though much better, but still struggle with controlling my sitch. But the hard reality is, our H's are NO LONGER our H's and we think they are going to act normal, but they aren't. And we have to protect ourselves and the love and that's Plan B.

I like so many others strongly suggest you have your finances and other issues set before you go into Plan B. Going in and out won't be effective and if your ultimate goal is to have your marriage restored, follow the advice of those on here.

I'll be keeping an eye on you and if you need anything, just holler girl.

Princess- I did read SAA but not until recently. I tried plan A with information from this site. I did okay with it but not perfect. I would let H see me cry. I tried not to be disrespectful and was successful for the most part. Once in a while I would get upset. Plan A was so hard for me. I am not patient and I usually speak my mind.

I have reached a point where he needs to leave. He has made no attempts to work on the marriage and is still hung up on the OW. MC and pastor agree with the separation.

I guess the letter was sort of like a plan B letter. I guess I probably had some things in there that shouldn't have been but I am really angry and fed up. I basically told him that I thought I had been a good wife and cited instances when I supported him (even if he didn't deserve it, but I didn't write that). I express my confusion as to why he had an affair and how he could hurt his family. I also stated that I was sorry that he would not read SAA and seek IC for himself. I told him I love him but I needed to let go. I spelled out the terms for the separation- living arrangements, finances, etc. and asked that we sit down to discuss it. I told him that once he moved out we would not have contact and that was to help me. Probably not the best Plan B letter but I felt better stating my thoughts.

Yes, H sees OW at class once a month. H says there is little contact, who knows. I have not talked to OWH. I believe they are together. OW started this A and has a track record and I think if she found out H was having trouble she would pursue H again. OWH can be a little scary - explosive, stalking, etc.- not to me but made H and OW miserable in the beginning of the discovery. I don't know OWH but I am not comfortable with him. He asked me out over the phone during the beginning of this ordeal!!

The kids know the truth. My DS has said to me that H should have moved out a long time ago. Ds has asked me why I am cooking and making his lunch. They won't say anything to H just to me

hb, a plan B letter is not a negotiation attempt to seperate. There is never any negotiation about Plan B. Plan B is simply removing yourself entirely from his insanity. A plan B letter is simply stating your intention to end contact. Once you state that intention, you do not discuss anything with him, it is imperative that you back up your word and go dark. But this is NOT DISCUSSED with him.

The only thing that should be discussed right now is physical separation. Once you achieve that, come back here and we will help you prepare your Plan B letter and get your ducks in a row.

But....do not talk to him about Plan B or your plans to completely end all contact. It should be a SURPRISE, not something that he has had time to prepare for.

And please, please read SAA so you can understand Plan B and how and why it is used.

That is terrible that he made the infidels "miserable" for doing nothing more than destroying his life. Shame, shame! Not like they weren't making him a little "miserable" by have an adulterous affair.

HB, did you really just say that?? Do I need to drag out my foghorn for you?

And who told you he was "scary?" One of the infidels/liars who were destroying the man behind his back?

HB, the OWH is a victim just like you. Why are you demonizing the victim of your H and his adultery partner?

Bitterpill - No problem with being on my thread. It just was getting confusing. I am not an expert at this posting either. Your post was very helpful. It helped me to see the letter in a new light. It is very hard to get over though.

Believer - H has not moved out yet. He conveniently scheduled himself to work or do clinical time for 7 days a week for the rest of May. I told him that this procrastination was not going to work. It is an unique situation as we are having financial problems due to my father's death and his house I now have. The plan is for H to move to that house for the time being as we can't afford another place. It has to be cleaned out and he has not done any of it. Of course I had asked for help with cleaning it out several months before I found out about the A but he never would help. We see the MC tomorrow so I will bring it up. He did say he would sit down with me tomorrow to go over finances. He definately has it made and is fence sitting. I have reached my limit and I am not sure if I want to stay married to him. He would have to change a lot of things that he did prior to the A. Even my pastor agrees that it looks like D based on past immaturity and lack of commitment to marriage and family.

Melody - I just wanted to clarify that he is not abusive. I'm not sure if you were referring to the agony BS go through or not.


Queenie- I let him know about not contacting me during seperation because I wanted it to be understood from the beginning. I know I need it to be able to move on. He is very reluctant to leave and have NC.