I was introduced to this wonderful site a few years ago by an older friend of mine who used it to save her marriage. Let me start off by saying that I am not married, but have been with my "spouse" for a little over 6 years now. We have broken up and parted ways (I moved to a different state for some time) but we both felt a part of us was missing and got back together, not long after that we had our first daughter who is now almost 3. The issue I am having is that he leaves. Just leaves, to go drink with his friends and most of the time (85% or more) doesnt call or tell me what is going on. a few times, a very small few, it has been because he was upset with me and I understood, but I still dont think it is an ok way to solve an issue; to just leave and not come home for a night or a few days. Last year from around January to June he was doing drugs, and we fought constantly and he acted totally out of character calling me names etc... He was gone all the time drinking and I thought it was only a drinking issue until I later found it was cocaine. We parted for a few weeks, and I was ok, but numb to everything. Since we moved to a different place in June (which is when he also stopped doing drugs)everything was going really well, he called when he went out, and didnt even really go out all that often (I dont want to tell him he cant go anywhere because I feel that is part of what pushes people apart, I wouldnt like it if he did that to me, but then I never go out anyway) Now since January he has been going out more without calling and saying he will be home but not coming home for a night or few nights. Our daughter is very aware of this and gets upset when he leaves even for work after one of his spurts where he is absent. He hasnt shown any signs of doing drugs, and tells me whats up when he gets home, and I know the people he is with and know they dont do drugs. It seems to be when he gets stressed about things, and I have learned that his mother does the same thing to his step-dad. Last time he left he was upset with me and when he came home after a 2 night stint he said he was trying to prove a point, but missed us very much. that was about 3 weeks ago, and tonight we were to go grocery shopping and do some other things, however when he got here he said he didnt think Id want to because it was going to take a long time and he would be home later, I knew something was up because he gets a certain tone or way of talking when he is up to something so I immediately got my defensive side up. He also told out daughter he would be back in a little bit, that was at 12, at 4:30 his stepdad called him about work tomorrow and he said that he was just going to stay at his buddies house and go to work from their. But tomorrow is the last day of swimming and I have to drive his brother to work before that which is going to be around 8am, so now I have no vehicle. I tried to call before his step dad did from his cell phone and he didnt answer for me. His step dad said he was going to call him back to tell him he had to have the truck here, but beyond that, I am pretty much tired of dealing with it. I am sick of laying in bed wondering if he is coming home or not and wondering what he could be doing, hoping he really isnt doing anything bad (stuff that would tear up our small family, or whatever it is we have.) we have a good relationship, we laugh a lot and have fun together, but he is so unreliable and because of things in the past I am so resentful still and its hard to let go to trust him. 3 weeks ago I talked to him about it and he promised he wasnt going to do this anymore, and if he went out I would know before hand and he would call when he was out to tell us he was ok (he and his friends drive drunk) which I have also talked to him about but I now feel my only option is to somehow find out when he is driving and where to call the police because unless he crashes, I dont think they will stop. Having a family and me saying we need him around, not to mention the horror it could be for someone else should he hit someone doesnt seem to phase hime. I am hanging by a thread and ready to leave. I love him, and will always, and aside from what I have said he is a good man, well a good guy at heart and a caring and loving person, but I dont know how I can be with him if he continues to put us last. I want to talk to him, but I dont want to sound as if I am threatening him "if you do this I will leave with our daughter" that doesnt work. And in reality I dont want to have to do that. I want to be a family, but I dont know how to be if I dont have a reliable spouse. We have been engaged for about 2 1/2 years, but sometimes I regret saying yes because I really couldnt marry him if this is how it will continue for the rest of our lives. We are a young couple, I am 23 and he will be 25 in Sept.
Does anyone have any advice at all? I have read so much on here and on other sites and no one says anything about a spouse leaving and not calling so I am wondering if I am the only person on this planet who has this issue? I cant be, but am I the only sucker who sits here and deals with it and believes the Im sorrys and I love yous??


I know this is not good for me or my daughter, and I although I know that my significant other would follow if I left, I wonder if that is the best thing for all of us...I dont want to go, but if I get the the point where I am ready to leave, I dont know that I want to go through this whole cycle that he loves us and wants to be there, and then have it fall into this crap again. Did I mention that I grew up with a there, but basically absent alcoholic and physically as well as verbally abusive father, and he had a father and mother who divorced, moother made them believe the dad didnt want to have anything to do with any of the boys and now its been years since he talked to his dad, so Im not sure if any of that has anything to do with what we have been through but Im pretty sure it has a little to do.

I jsut dont want to stay again and have him think he can do whatever he wants and me be basically a single parent that he can come to whenever he thinks he misses us. Hed be crushed if I left, but he just doesnt want to open his eyes and see that, that is where this is going to lead.

Sorry no one responded earlier. This forum doesn't get as much traffic.

Most likely, your husband is an alcoholic. He may not be doing cocaine, but that just may not be his "drug of choice." The reason it sounds like he's an alcoholic is because he promises to stop his behavior, but doesn't. It's as if he cannot keep his promises.

Please keep in mind that the MB approach won't save a marriage when there's substance abuse going on. That's because all it does is enable the addiction.

I'm really worried about your daughter in this situation. She's already showing signs of abandonment issues. It may be worth scraping to get a couple of hundred dollars and going to see a very experienced child psychologist to get an idea of how to help your daughter. It may actually be easier for your daughter if you separate from her father, and he visits her at set times. Never knowing when daddy is going to disappear and mommy is going to get upset is scary for children. They spend all day walking on eggshells, trying to "be good" so daddy won't leave. See, because your daughter is very young, she believes she is the center of the universe. She also believes she has a lot of more influence and control over events. That is perfectly normal for age.

You also may look into your state's "common law marriage" statute. You are probably considered common law spouses, and that may affect any decisions you make one way or another.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

You have a child to think of now. All decisions should be based on their best interest. Therefore, the only way I would stay if I were you would be if he would be willing to go to Alanon and for both of you to start going to marriage counseling.