Do you know what his grounds are for divorce? Is it because of OW or was this prior to them becoming an item? I suppose I'm confused as to WHY you'd want him back knowing he had already started proceedings.
If the proceedings are simply a result of not thinking clearly because he's engaged in an affair, then I'd do my best to clear his fog and put him back on track. But, what happens if he just simply wasn't happy...do you still want him? I would want someone to be with me because they loved & adored me..not because I Plan A'd them into believing this marriage was the perfect place for him to be. I'd want someone who wanted me. My H looks back now and says he 'got off track'. He can understand how it happened and has a clear picture that he'd never let that happen again. But, at what price? Now he's afraid to even make eye contact with another woman at work and frankly I like it that way. But, does he live in a cave now?
Anyway...I got off track. There needs to be more understanding as to the WHY he left. Did you guys argue alot? Had he already told you many times that he was not happy? Was this a shock to you or could you see it coming?

By the way...I'm impressed at the way you can get the quote boxes to work. You're relatively new and i still can't figure out that feature!!

When you want to reply to someone, click on the word *reply* at the bottom of their box.

And then scroll down to copy which parts of the poster's post you want to quote.(their entire post will be under the box you use to write your message in.) Then look above the box you reply in and click on the smaller box where this appears--->[size:20pt]"[/size]<----. then paste your quote between the words *quote* that appear inside brackets. I'll substitute the letters *quot* for the word *quote* so you can see how it will look. [quot][quot/]. You put your message between those "bracketed" words like this....[quot]EASY CHEESY[quot/]

Hope that makes sense.

Just to show off my quote boxing skills I'll do it again - lol I'm familiar with forums so it comes natural I guess.


NJ has irreconcilable differences and that's what his grounds are. It's a very cut and dry complaint. WH and OW became "friends" in November 07 - talking online. We met her and her H on May 3, 08. I believe he began to "fall" for OW prior to meeting her and my guess is that they shared their marriage woes and started connecting after meeting if not before. A week and a half before he asked me for a divorce, I know he sent her something FedEx...just don't know what. By the end of May, WH asked me for a divorce. I believe OW has a lot to do with it - not everything because we had some issues too.


I think the proceedings are a cause of a lot of factors. WH lost his only living parent suddenly in late November. He finds himself now just turning 35 with no parents...an orphan. He does not have any close familial relationships. WH also took medication for bipolar. He stopped taking that medication sometime between October/November (that's when he says he stopped) and February (that's when I noticed they weren't being taken). WH claims that he only married me because I was nice, he thought we could make it work, and we had already been through a lot together so it seemed like the right thing to do. This is clearly a foggy statement because we had a good relationship - not perfect but good!


WH and I have normal married couple arguments - ya know, over the division of household responsibilities (of which I do all of them and then he gets mad when I'm too tired to go live as carefree as he does - riding the atvs whenever he wants, etc.). We also argue over sex/pornography...he makes me feel like I'm not worthy enough and he's rather look at porn - he doesn't understand that it's upsetting to me that he'd choose porn over the real thing!

In the past 2-3 years we have had more downs than ups because we just didn't know how to get over that hump. Prior to that, we had a happy life together - dating was fun and exciting and marriage took some getting used to but we laughed and enjoyed each other. That's why I want to fight for my marriage. In November - before his dad died - he told me that he talked to him about some problems we were having (I wasn't aware we were having serious problems) and his father told him he'd be a fool to leave me because it's clear that I adore him and we built a good life together. I know the man I love...the man I married is still in there someplace.

As recent as April, WH was interested in going to counselling so I truly believe that the proceedings are mostly because of meeting OW in May. It was shocking to me that he asked for a divorce because yes we would argue but I never knew the seriousness of it or that he was as unhappy as he now claims.

I hope that clears up confusion - or maybe it opens you up to more!

It would be better to speak to him in person. OW could intercept your letter.

Can you hire a PI to find out their phone number?

If you can expose this to her BH, he could put pressure to end this on his end.

You really need to talk to him, either on the phone or in person. And the sooner the better!


Don't do this!

You need to end ALL love busters pronto.

Have you read up about them?

Yup, that helps. Did it help you to write it? I found that when I began putting stuff on "paper" it made it easier for me to explain to H and to myself.
First, if I were you, I'd go to see the husband of OW. You have no idea what he knows. You've said you've met him before so seeing you would not be the very first time. Maybe he's in the same amount of distress as you are...although his wife doesn't exactly sound like a catch!
I wish I could do more for you. I'm a NJ'er too! I feel like if you miss out on this opportunity this weekend you may not get it again. 5 hours is a long way to drive towards a not pleasant goal...do you have a girlfriend who could go with you?

Here's my parting thought for this posting...
If you really sit and think about H...is this the man you see as the man of your dreams? Is he the man you imagine spending the rest of your life with? Is he the man who will cherish you and put you on a pedestal? Can you get past this hurt and love this man fully again? Remember, his excuse for any indiscretion will be that he had already asked for a divorce...he's made this very easy for himself.

Money is super tight right now. I'm not sure I can afford that. I work in the legal field so I can do the search myself, but still, it will cost me money that I don't have.


Oh, believe me! I have read up on love busters...which is why it was so hard to NOT email him. In the past I would have. After having my eyes opened about love busting, I know better. I still have slip ups like Monday night when I found out about the affair, but generally, I have made great progress in stopping love busting!

Sometimes I feel like there is a fine line though between stopping love busting and being nice, etc. as in Plan A and being a door mat!

Try to borrow it.

It's THAT important.

It could end the A.


Yes, that's why Plan A is only meant to last a short amount of time.

I will see what I could do about borrowing money.

Do you think it's better to expose to OW H first? I ask because WH and OW ill be with friends at a race this weekend and I would like to expose to the friends so they don't enable...

In exposing, what do you say? I mean I know not to be vindictive and vengeful - but do you ask for their help? OR do you soley state that WH and OW are having an A? I wish there was a script ecause I'm so afraid of saying the wrong things and making matters even worse!

Yes, you ask for their help!

Say my H is having an A w/ OW, and I need your help to try to end it. I still love my H and want to save my M.

You tell everyone who will put pressure on them to end the A.

His parents, her parents, friends, church elders, ect...

It's best to do exposure in one day. That way it will really hit them hard, and they won't have time to preempt you.

Gather up phone numbers and expose all at once.

You REALLY need to find OWH!

Can you drive to OW's home and expose to her BH while they are at the race?

Oh, and let me warn you, your WH will be pi$$ed Off!!

He will tell you that now there isn't a chance in he!! that he wants your M now.

He'll tell you that now you've REALLY screwed things up!

The madder he gets the BETTER your exposure was!

He is like a crack addict, and you've gotten in between him and his crack. And he will be angry.

You stay calm and keep repeating, "I did this to save our M."

Your M can survive his anger, but not an A.

I only have email addresses for the atv racing friends. Is exposing less successful if I do it in writing?

Our non-racing friends, of course, I have phone numbers for. So all that's stopping me calling them is getting the courage to say my marriage is more important than the nervousness I feel in calling them.

WH has isolated himself from his family. Both his parents are deceased. Except for a cousin (who he speaks to once and a while to check up on her H's cancer treatment), his father's family lives in another country. He has been estranged from his mother's family for 3 or so years and they do not have good opinions of WH anyway - and vice versa. I will still expose to them even though they do not have influence on him, if people here think that it would be beneficial. To me, it appears to be vengeful to expose to them since they are not involved in our life.

OW lives out of state - it's a 4+ hour drive one way. This is a good weekened because I know WH and OW are at the race, but a bad weekend because of the holiday! I'd have to do the drive alone because no one is around this weekend.

Oh, and I am prepared to deal with the backlash of WH's anger.

I can't be hurt anymore than I have been in this past month hearing "I want a divorce. I retained an attorney" and hearing with my own ears and seeing with my own eyes that an affair with this OW was happening.

In discussions this past month, I have struck nerves apparently with innocuous statements. He would turn around and say "well that's it that's all i needed to hear." As if to say exactly what you stated that there isn't a chance that he wants the M after I said that! He has been blaming me for our situation because he wants to justify his actions.

Not only am I angry and hurt by the situation but I am full of sadness that he is feeling the way he is. I pity him for actually believing his lies.

That'd be ok.

But, w/ OWH you need to talk on the phone or in person.


No, there's no need to expose to folks who won't have any influence over him.

It seems w/ the exception of his friends, you will be more successful exposing this A on her side.

Especially to her H.


Oh I see, you'd like to bring someone along w/ you.

Well, how about tomorrow? Maybe you could find someone to go w/ you then. Do you belong to a church? Do you have a neighbor who might be willing to go w/ you?

Heck, if it were me, I'd go by myself.

He needs to know. You need him to know. You two can work together.


Yes. You'll have to push past your nervousness, if you want to try to save your M.

Marshmallow...(and others)...I can't post much right now but I wanted to thank you for giving me the courage and strength to fight for my marriage! I have done things in the past few weeks that have surprised myself because of the experienced people here telling it like it is and giving that little push out the door! Thank you...even if it doesn't save my marriage, it has at the very least taught me a lot about myself.

spins...
The weekend is over and so must be the races. Are you ok? What did you decide to do? People here may be worried.

Thank you for inquiring, Fiori. Sorry if this turns out to be lengthy...I bit the bullet on Saturday since I knew WH&OW were at the races and took a day trip up to see OW's H (a 4 hour drive one way!). He didn't know what was happening, but had a feeling she was having an affair because she asked him for a divorce and started acting strange. I apparently confirmed it for him - and he was thankful I did. We spent the whole day talking, putting pieces of the puzzle together, giving each other the peace of mind that we weren't the crazy ones, and unifying to plan our next steps. We felt a closeness like we had been friends for years. It was very odd.

So, Monday night, OW's H confronted her. She flipped out and called my WH..he flipped out and when I got home we had a discussion. WH is under the impression that me and OW's H slept together while I was there. Projecting maybe? Anyway, OW's H swears he did not say that but I don't know who I could trust right now except for people on here. WH did show some jealousy. He also told me that if "there was any chance for us before, it was now gone after what I did." (that is, going to visit OW's H). I simply stated that I was doing what was right. I was as kind as I could have been throughout our conversation (wherein he continued to blame me and make disparaging remarks about me and our relationship). I stuck to my guns and only LBed when he threatened to take my dogs away from me (those are my babies and it struck a chord!)

Overall, the exposure went as expected, except WH left our home. He is moving his belongings to his father's vacant house and is staying there. What are my next steps - how can I do Plan A when I will have limited to no contact with him? Thanks in advance for any thoughts...

It makes me lose hope.

Spins...
You see that anger and desperation he felt? That means you hit a cord and you took away (potentially) his favorite toy. There are lots of statistics for how long a OW/OM relationship lasts if the two marriages break up. You might want to look those up and 'educate' H. He's under a sick spell and truely believes this will be different. Only thing is, unless he works on himself, he'll revisit this exact situation with her in 5 or so years. It's a cycle he won't get out of. I have no crystal ball as to whether or not your marriage will stay in tact, but I can tell you that you did the right thing. Keep the faith, hug your puppies and keep chuggin forward.

You act as if he was still at home and you doing Plan A. All the time, with everyone. Be the best that you can be. It will help you, to focus on yourself and improving yourself. The better you look, the more he'll regret what he gave up. Even from afar. Stay friends with everyone, so that he sees you getting on and your friends/family responding to the new, better you. They'll keep you in their conversations around him, most likely.

{{{spins}}}

Spins, great job on driving the four-plus hours to see OW's H...
How brave you are!

Now you have an ally in OWH! (LOL on your H being jealous) Can I ask, has he exposed to OW's family? Did you try to send him here? Might be helpful overall if he is fighting the affair MB-style on his end as well.

As far as your Plan A, I agree with what Cat said on. Also just read this thread by Pep with more details on The Carrot & The Stick of Plan A and thought maybe it would help you.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&fpart=1

It sounds like you've got a great start on your Plan A. Hang in there.

Yes, fiori...he was more angry than I've seen him in a long time. Over the weekend, I decided to finish a bottle of wine that we had sitting in the fridge, so it made him even more jealous that there were empty wine glasses and an empty bottle of wine in the sink...he was accusatory and jealous.

He does truly believe this will be different like you said. Even though OW has been married twice...he thinks that they are kindred spirits, etc...

I know I did the right thing in exposing to OW's H...he was actually relieved when he found out that something was going on because it put to rest all the wondering.