This is my first post although I have been reading and reading here and at another site for many months. I've read so much I just never posted.

I need advise and I think I need to just vent also. You all seem so helpful and there are so many BS's, its well good and bad ya know. Sad there are so many infidelity stories but good this board is here with so many helpful caring people. Just reading helps so much.

Okay, what I need now is a plan I can stick to in order to keep my sanity and stop being a doormat. I will except any and all criticism and suggestions. But I think encouragement is what I need most.

It has been about a year now when I first saw the texts on my WH cell phone. He had been being really distant and mean to me. Also keeping his cell phone close and the ringer off all the time. The bills showed hundreds of texts and he would say it was his sister. The texts were between him and a girl at his work. "I love you baby'. Mucho, mucho, kisses all over your body'. And on and on.
This was sept of last year. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked I closed his phone and went on through the day thinking I shouldn't say anything until I had more evidence. I couldn't help it, so that night I asked him who P was. He just stared blankly. I told him I saw the messages and if he would let me see his phone I would would show him. He got majorly po'ed and refused to let me see his phone.

The next day he told me they were just freinds. argh And they were just playing. The day after that he said he told her they had to stop.
Then I bought and read 'Not Just Friends'. Read 'HIs Needs Her Needs'. Which HE purchased four years ago. I tried to get him to read them also, to no avail. Tried to meet all his needs. All this before I found this board or the other board.

I was so hurt and depressed sometimes he would tell me to stop looking at him 'that way'. He said I shouldn't have looked at his phone. So I went silent and just started reading and trying to get a job. I have an 8 yr old son and have been a stahm. I got one and have been working almost 3 mos.

Fast forward a few months. He seemed more distant and mean and pushing me away so I hacked into the cell phone account he had hidden from. Sure enough they were texting BIG time I read them in 'real time on the site. I saved them and the bills with her number all over it pages and pages.

I sent her a text (through a friend) Saying he was home with his family and why would she morally do this. Thinking if she didn't know he was with his family then she would know. She got po'ed and texted him the message and said she didn't need this sh*t and he shouldn't text her or anything until he got his sh*t together with his wife and she got it fixed with her boyfriend.
Then he figured out I had got in the cell phone site. He changed the password and was so mad at me. He yelled at me and stopped totally talking to me and stopped telling me he loved me.

So I stopped looking at anything and just went on with my job and taking care of the home and my son. I have been off and on in plan A. Until about a month ago. I just started being me and not saying a thing ever about our relationship.

Now I am so tired and don't know if I can keep loving him. He keeps doing loving things now. Like washing my car, helping with the laundry, ect. Things that keep me loving him. I asked him the night if he still loved me, he just said "what kind of questin is that?"

Anyway I was thinking of total exposure then plan B. But I had to know for sure if he was still talking to OW. Sure enough when I snuck his cell when he was showering the other morning, there were the messages. One from her very long, 'I love you baby..blah, blah. One to her from him. I love you mucho mi amore. yuk

I better stop here this is getting way too long. There is more but I don't want to make this any longer. It feels good just to write this. Anyway where do I go from here? He gets soooo mad and hates me because I have found out anything. He won't answer me with whether he wants us to work things things out. I just get a blank stare!

God I hate this. Ten years of being there for each other and through much. I can't even imagine there not being an US. I am just so confused ...

Thanks for letting me vent.

You definitely need to expose. Don't try exposing to her, because as you have seen, they'll just band together in their stand against you, the one who is "getting in the way of their happiness." Puke, puke.

Expose to his parents, her boss, his boss, her boyfriend (if you can find out who it is). Also any of his siblings and friends you think might have influence in his life.

When you expose, remember that you are not trying to get even. You are trying to shed light on the A and enlist the support of people who love you and your H. Something like:

"It saddens me to tell you that H is involved in an affair with OW. As you can imagine, this is extremely painful for me. Nevertheless, I want to save my marriage and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to have a strong and happy marriage. I'd truly appreciate your support of H and myself as we go through this difficult time."

When you expose, your H will be *furious*. He'll tell you that he was thinking of ending it (the A) but now there's no chance for the M, that you've ruined any hope, that you've shown your true colors, blah, blah, blah. Just remember: the angrier he gets, the BETTER! His anger is due to his affair being threatened and hopefully falling apart.

I know you've been living with this for a long time, and you're probably running on fumes... if you can possibly find the strength to do a good strong Plan A before going to Plan B it would be very good. For one thing, it will leave your H with a very positive impression of you. For another, it will give you time to craft your Plan B letter and figure out the logistics of a good Plan B.

So... who are you going to expose to?
Can you handle a Plan A for a couple of weeks?

Thanks so much for your input and reply.

Yes I am running on fumes right now. Perfect analogy.

Okay I have been doing a good plan A for about month now. It's been so hard to keep up with the home and work and juggle my motherly duties after not working for so long. But it has been good for me and made me stronger. I have done all I can to meet his needs and always be sweet and understanding. Even though we only talk about his job and mundane things like the weather. No questions or expectations.

I have exposed partialy. To his sister the other day and she was very nice and understanding. But she is afraid to talk to him because he gets very angry and people in his family know this and basically walk on egg shells some times with him. She was honest and said if we split up that she would help hime because he would need her and he is her brother.

When I told a person at his work months ago he got totally po'ed. I told him sorry but I was fighting for us and not trying to hurt him. Besides I know lots of people at his work because I used to work there. Thats where we met.

Darn I wish I could find out who the OW boyfriend was.


Thanks so much.

That is because he doesn't have a problem, you do! There is nothing for him to work out! He has the perfect set up with 2 women gladly meeting his needs. He has no reason to change.

Letitbe, do you know that Plan A is only intended to last 2 to 3 weeks for women? Dr Harley recommends 2 to 3 weeks and then going into Plan B. It was never intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders.

I am curious why you have not ever exposed this affair? Do they work together?

You have to expose. He obviously will never stop if you don't. Probably won't stop after either, because he seems to think you're just his property and it's HIS life that's important.

When you expose, do it all at the same time. Within 1 or 2 hours, if you can. And given his anger issues, if I were you, I'd be visiting my parents or someone else who can be around you when he finds out. Maybe have your child staying somewhere else. He scares me.

what exactly does him getting really angry look like...

what EXACTLY does that mean...

verbal abuse
physical acting out..ie breaking things
physical abuse...

what exactly does he do that even his sister is afraid to upset him...

ark

Exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, I am a conflict avoider and he is also. But only for so long and certain things. I told him he should leave July first. But the day came and went and neither one of us spoke of it.
Thing is I am not financially set YET. I am almost there.

So I can do plan a for few more weeks, so I can figure how implement plan B.
From what I read Dr Harley says 3 mos for women and 6 for men in plan A?

I haven't exposed to everyone because I was afraid of him leaving and not being able to pay the bills. But now that I am set with my job and have the child support set up
so I can do it as soon as the bills are all taken care of and then move to plan b.

When he gets really angry he yells, cusses and calls me names. Shuts down and sometimes leaves. I guess yeah verbal abuse. Never physical but has threatened with a clinched fist. He does have anger issues.

With his family he does some of the cussing and will shut them out and is vindictive at times or wont speak them for awhile.

Yes I have problems, I have been in counseling and come from an an alchoholic family. I have worked through many issues but hey we all have something we could work on to improve ourselves, right?

Thanks for all the input.

I do think thats it.

Can't stay with my parents my mom passed away five tears ago this coming Thanksgiving. He was there through months of the whole terrible cancer taking her life slowly. He was by her bedside with me when she breathed her last breath. He was a rock for me. I still love him for that. He really has a good heart and is a good man just a jerk in other ways.

I will compile a list of people I think may be worth exposing to. Most everyone knows except his boss and his stepmom and mother. Unless his sister has told them by now. His employer wouldn't care I don't think. The company has no policy on this type of thing.

Now I could call immigration because I am not sure if she is here legally or not. They have employed illegals in the past and she can not speak english from what my friends told me. I called some people I used to work with at another company close to his. They went over and checked her out for me.
Would that be bad to do? Those friends are hispanic and they told me thats what I should do.

Oh yea he works with her in a different part of the company.

LEtitbe, he will still have to pay the bills if he leaves. That should not change. If he attempts to not pay them, then you all you have to do is file a legal separation and the court will make quick work of any such ploy.


Its actually 3-4 WEEKS.

letitbe...

you are what I call in your own fog of thinking and acceptance...

YOU have accepted the affair in your life for a long time based on YOUR fears and ALLOWED insane actions and unacceptable behavior to become sane and acceptable in your world...

the truth is that you know for a FACT that your husband is having an affair..
and
you know for a fact that the mode of operation is that you mention something might be going on...and he goes in to hysterical two year old tantrum mode...and you shut up for a few months...

over and over again...

a real marriage
a respectful marriage
a loving marriage is not now or ever about washing cars or doing laundry...those are meaningless tasks and not loving acts when they are combined with the FACT that your husband will not and does not let you see his cell phone...

in a loving respectful marriage there are no cell phone battles...

none...
my cell phone is your cell phone is my cell phone is your cell phone...

with out passwords
with out secret texts....
with out a partner going ballistic because you LOOK at their phone...

do you see what I am saying....

washing a car
screaming because you saw his phone...
are not the actions of love...

yet you continually convince yourself they are...

have you had enough....

have you had enough...
if the answer is yes...then make a plan and definitive actions..

clearly state that from this moment forward that you want and desire and cohesive exclusive marriage...and that you are going to work towards that...

state that that means no more passwords
no more secret texts
that you can and do and will see his phone any time the thought moves you.....

expose the affair.....

make plans that when he goes all mad and babyish...you leave each and every time...especially removing the child from his antics....

you have accepted this treatment for a long time

ark

You are right that I have been stalling. Thank you, Yes I have had enough. That is why I am here now.
It has been hell as you all know. It will be a year in September. That first month was pure hell. It took me a few more months to get to where I finally didn't just want to die.

Then I started to find myself again. I got past the blaming myself and feeling like a tossed out old rag. We talked some and fought some. I laid down some rules and he stopped talking to me in that mean tone. It may sound as if I have let him totally walk over me, I haven't. He left for a few days because of it.

OH he is not having an affair. They have not done anything. He said at one point he was leaving and it had nothing to do with her. Ha all the typical stuff.

Well I was in a fog and yes I am scared. Scared for me and my son. Afraid of the unknown afraid of what life will be like without him. Scared for what life IS like with him.

BUT that is why I am here so I can move and stop being still. I just hope I have done a real plan A long enough, because I have been back and forth between a 180 and plan A.

So I called his mom earlier. It's hard to get private time without my son listening. He is always with me. But while the kids were playing I called her.

At first I thought it was mistake but I guess its better she knows so when he leaves, she will at least she know why. She said she doesn't know what to tell me and said she will stand by her son, because it's her son. Oh well thats how it goes. I told her I understood and just wanted her to understand what was going on and that I loved her son.


So now I need to make a plan and stick to it. I can still call his best friend and aunt and uncle. But they will probably be the same way and support him and not say anything to him. Except maybe enough to make him mad that I talked to them.
Ces La Ve......... I yam tired.



Thanks so much for the input.

Letitbe, you have so much more strength than you know. You have survived being married to an abusive, manipulative person. You have persevered. You have raised your child, all the while giving up of yourself so that your family could prosper.

You don't need his family and friends to be behind you. If I had to guess, they're just as afraid of him as you are.

Please go to www.unitedway.org and ask them for help. They will help you get set up so that you can live your own with your child. You can do it!

Lettibe -

Hi - Just wanted to say, I know how you are feeling. It is sometimes hard to take action because you are scared of what it might be like to be alone. It took me a while to get up my courage to go into Plan B. You can do it though. I did a Plan A for 6 months and it almost did me in. So, you being into for almost a year??? ((((((Lettibe)))))) It's time to take care of you now. And your son. You have got to get a break from this. I had to learn this lesson twice!!

And the OW's boyfriend? Yes, I would definitely try to find out who he is. Can any of your friends help you find out? Where does she live? Do you know her name?

Take care,

Thank you so much for the input and support. It means so much to me.
I wish I had posted a long time ago but I just though I could handle this myself by just reading and doing what I thought was right, oh and lots of prayers too.

Truth is no one really understands except people like you guys, people that have lived it and felt it. Ya know most people just think its a hush hush thing or say what's wrong with you you should throw the b***** out.

Well I tried once more last night to talk to him nicely. I asked him if he still loved me I got the same answer as last time at first. "What kind of question is that?" I said "a simple yes or no one." He said a cuss word as usual because I was bothering him. I told him to please not cuss at me I don't deserve to be talked to like that. Then he said very stained "yes letitbe I love you."
So then I asked if he wants to leave or stay and he says again he doesn't know what he wants. I said okay but that he can't keep staying here and seeing HER too.
He said a cuss word and just stared out the window. Oh I also asked if he truly loved her too. I got a sad sounding " I don't know".

Well I told him I love him but I can't live this way much longer and until you stop seeing her I don't think you will be able to figure out what you really want and will keep hurting me and yourself. He just stared nervously. No cussing no yelling. I had told him several weeks ago that when we talk we can't yell or cuss or call each other names. Anyway then I hugged him and told him he and our son (our family) are the most important thing in my life and I love them and him with all my heart.
Made him and me some supper. Son was eating pizza at his friends house.
Then said no more. He seemed preoccupied as usual the rest of the evening.

That will be my last conversation with him about us or her for now.
Now I have to move to plan B. I HAVE to because I can't tak e this anymore.

So heres the thing he is going to house sit while his sister is out of town next week
My son will be staying at his grandmothers also. They will be gone on saturday until the following friday. Not really far just about 45 mins away.

So my question is what would you do? Should I use that time to start plan B?
I need to read more on a pln B letter. Gosh I read so much and get so tied up in some peoples stories and get side tracked on moving ahead.

Okay what should I do next? (Besides getting off my tail.) lol
When the going gets tough the tough get going huh.

Oh I need to post over at the Calling all Goddess thread that one is great. It has helped me so much. Oh wait no I need to get ready for work and think about my plan B letter and PLAN. right?


Thank you all!

Oh about telling her boyfriend. I know her full name but there are so many people with her name I can't figure out which one would be her.
I also wonder about telling her boyfriend, what if he goes crazy and beats her up or comes after my H?

Those are things my best friend asked me about. So it made me think that stuff could happen. But of course it could happen anyway. doh

I don't know how to find out who he is.

Not your problem. They ran that risk when they decided to practice adultery. You have to learn how to separate you from your H's actions/needs/decisions. They are his to own. You owe it to your son to protect him; your H can do whatever he needs to, he's an adult.

letitbe...

here's where I think you are still not thinking clearly..

you go to your husband and ....

I asked him if he still loved me

what is that...
that is like going up to an alligator and scratching it on the head expecting it to purr...

your husband right now has no idea what love is....
he has no concept of loving acts...

why would you ask him that....
and what did you expect..

if he said yes...
was that all you needed to drop this issue.....

what were your EXPECTATIONS

this is not the time to ask anything
this is the time to declare clearly and loudly

husband

I want an equal loving marriage
I want a marriage without third parties

I want total access to your cell phone day or night
I want you to go total contact with ALL The babes you email...voicemail and text
I want all passwords

I want to go to marriage counseling

I want you to go to anger management

you you you you

not do you love me....
uggghhhhhhhhh

who gives a rats patoooooty what he wants right now you declare what YOU YOU YOU want..
give it a time frame
and move towards that goal...

ARK

Let me break this down for you.

There was nothing NICE about what you did. This whole exchange is full of disrespectful judgements, trying to educate your spouse, and various love busters.

"
This is not a conversation he wants to have with you LET. Yet you keep pushing. He doesn't want to hurt you, and yet you almost INSIST on it. how clever.
yes you were, is that your objective with Plan A? To annoy him?So you get to PUSH at him all you want, then get on your high horse.so his choice was to be pushed into saying something he doesn't want to say, or to devistate you with his ambivelence. Great. he was honest. He doesn't know what he wants.useless threat. There is just no point in doing this unless you are prepared to DO SOMETHING about itAgain, you push him for an answer to a question that he simply CAN'T be honest with you about. Why are you doing this?UGH is all I can say. Do you think you accomplished something with this exchange?

Stop chasing him and poking him with relationship questions. Stop making demands (even nicely.)

Plan A.
Expose
Plan B.

NOTHING ELSE.

And Let? I don't mean to be harsh.
Its just that you look at that as a "nice" exchange and a wayward just cringes and hates every minute of it.

You goal is for him to LOVE spending time with you -- not dreading it.

You can do this!

Please work on exposing to OW's bf!