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Yes BC. My WH had a few "secret" credit cards run up in the thousands. I had no clue.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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please don't dismiss our advice to protect your finances. Absolutely not. When you told me the first time I battoned down the hatches. The only thing left is the operating account where we pay bills out of; Reduced the line of credit to 500.00 and have a minimal balance in there. The only thing left tomorrow is to cancel the credit card she has on my account. I have already reduced the limit to 1000.00. So she is going to go ballistic with this next move as she will really complain about my controlling abusive behaviour. I will be such a jerk in her eyes. Last night she was trying to get me to move out of the house but leave her full access to the joint account. "I will be getting alimony anyway so why go to the bother and expense of the formal separation as it seems like an unneccessary expense because we may get back together in 6 months; if you can make the changes you need to make" Oh sure, fund the affair. No thanks. Now that she has admitted to being deceptive and untruthful, how on earth can she expect me to trust her? She says we would have to have trust in each other for this plan. Nice for her to keep her options open. She tells me she has to lie to me because she does not like what happens when she tells me the truth. The last time she told me the truth I confronted the OM and just made things ugly. I have damaged her reputation and caused friends to reject her. And I am supposed to trust her now with the joint account. OK OK OK Melody I hear you. She is drunk. But dog gone it gal it does not make it any easier. I used to be on volunteer ambulance and I still got mad when a drunk ran into a family on the highway. Drunks do a lot of damage. I can't tell you how glad I am you are not going along with her crap! The way she is trying to manipulate you makes MY blood boil; I can only imagine what it does to yours. What nerve, to tell you that you "just have to trust her". Trusting her was what you were doing when she decided to go out and find a boyfriend. Why on earth would you trust her NOW???
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You're doing great, bc.
Pay more attention to what she DOES, and less to what she SAYS and you'll be ok.
Many are praying for you.
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Marshmallow Thank you. I broke down and wept for the first time in a very long time. To know that strangers I have not ever met would lift me up in prayer at this time overwhelmes me and encourages me about the brother/sister-hood we share. I have been encouraged Thank you  I have been Reading Pepperbands notable posts and I thought this might encourage someone else as it encouraged me God Bless you all. And Melody Lane THANK YOU for persisting in getting me through the fog. I am learning. Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
Me 58 BS
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Sorry Chai
I missed your post I am in Canada - British Columbia
Me 58 BS
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Left out information on the counter about Affairs. She went ballistic. She says "Once again we are separated"
She got this book that describes abusive and has decieded that I am being abusive in this situation because I am not respecting her wishes. She tells me there is not marriage and what I am doing is controlling (once again) I am concerned that she is going to try and play the abuse thing in a legal sense. She will likely file for separation shortly. You can do that here apparently - one spouse can file without the co-operation of the other.
I keep telling her I want to work on the marriage. That is controlling.
She just handed me the book and it says not to have any contact with your partner during separation.
She is telling me I am making it really easy for her to end our marriage. She wants out and wants out now.
Wow. You were right she is really p#ssd
Me 58 BS
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bcboy, is she moving out? Did you tell her you aren't? I have to think that even Canadian legal authorities would think it is pretty funny to get a report from a woman who says her H is abusive because he refuses to leave his own home to accomodate her affair.
Please also explain to her, like a broken record, that infidelity is a romantic relationship conducted by a married person. There is "SEPARATED" entitlement to commit adultery. As long as you are married, you are not free to pursue infidelity.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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bc, watch your back.
WWs are ruthless.
It might be a good idea to pick up a pocket recorder. Just in case she decides to lie about abuse and call the police.
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BC,
Oh yes, we told you she would be ticked off big time. You are doing great, so keep up the good work. Did you read SAA? Your sitch sounds a lot like the example in the book. I bet you end up having to go to Plan B soon. Read the book.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Many things can impact relationships. Borderline Personality Disorder is a hard to diagnose illness. I thought I would put this information here as some of the posts I have read have lead me to believe there are others out the struggling in relationships that may be impacted with BPD.
To complicate issues in our relationship several of these symptoms have intensified. The ones I have been dealing with are highlighted in bold
Borderline Personality Disorder
A common feature of this disorder is fear of being left alone (abandoned), even if the threat of being abandoned is not real. This fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those around you and may cause you to become too dependent on others.
Sometimes you may react to the fear of being abandoned by rejecting others first before they can reject you. This erratic behavior can lead to troubled relationships in every area of your life.
People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:4
Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious.
These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.
Not everyone who has five or more of these symptoms is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. For a person to be diagnosed with any personality disorder, the symptoms must be severe and must go on long enough to cause significant emotional distress or problems functioning in relationships or at work.4
Me 58 BS
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I am wondering now if I made a tactical error in confronting the OM. I think what has happened is I have proveded them a common enemy ME.
Me 58 BS
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AND the OM is banging your WW, AND some how you are worried that you have made the OM you enemy?
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I am wondering now if I made a tactical error in confronting the OM. I think what has happened is I have proveded them a common enemy ME. Trust me, it was not a tactical error. You already were the common enemy. What you did is cause great conflict in the affair and exposed your WW for lying to the OM about your cooperation. She was telling him you were "separated" and going along with her program. Now he knows otherwise. Confronting him was the BEST thing you have done so far and I think you should do it more often.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am wondering now if I made a tactical error in confronting the OM. I think what has happened is I have proveded them a common enemy ME. Who do you think you were before you confronted him? It's just that now you know, and they know you know. And what's more important, they know you aren't going to make their A easy for them.
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Well I knew it was coming. W went to the lawyer today to start the separation process. When does Plan B kick in?
Me 58 BS
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When does Plan B kick in? I kinda thought that is a Q you have to ask yourself, not others, don't you think? All Blessings, Jerry
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Depends on when YOU want to start Plan B ... Some do it when YOU are ready too.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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Well I knew it was coming. W went to the lawyer today to start the separation process. WHAT has come, bcboy? Have you been served? If and when you are served, you simply get yourself an attorney who will help you stay in your house and make her move out. Do you know of a real MEAN divorce attorney that specializes in mens rights? How would she pay for an attorney? When does Plan B kick in? You aren't even close to Plan B, bcboy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been doing a lot of reading on this site and one of the things I now need advice on is how to deal with the pain of the breakdown.
At first I was caught up in the issue of the EA she was having with the neighbour, but the reality is our M is in big trouble. She has pursued the issue of Legal Separation. I talked to a lawyer and he said the assets will be divided 50 - 50 and it is up to us how we want to proceed. We can spent 50 - 200 K fighting each other in court or we can go to mediation. She is moving forward with the separation. This really is happening. It feels sureal to me.
It hit me tonight as I was out that I am very sad that I will soon be alone, without her. My friends and family are saying I will be better off without all the chaos that is created by her. But I still feel sick that we are heading down this road.
She talked to me tonight and said I have been emotionally distant for years. She says I am disconnected from my emotions, that she could not relate to me on an emotional level and she was getting bored in our relationship. That is why she was and is looking for someone she can relate to on an emotional level. (Ouch)
As a guy growing up I learned to stuff my emotions cause that was the manly thing to do (John Wayne stuff) I guess I succeeded.
The reality that I seem ill equiped to be emotionally available for her. (She says she goes deep with her friends and I she can't with me - that I am not reality based). I feel uncertain on how to make the changes she requires. I feel I am really in foreign territory here. How does one get in touch with ones emotions?
She tells me I am reliable, intelligent, capable,faithful, humourous, financially responsible, etc, but that is not what she needs. I am not sure what she needs. I tried to find out but she says we need to work on ourselves right now before we can work on the marriage. She is not interested on working on the marriage right now. And she needs space, time, separation to get healed up.
Bottom line is I will soon be alone. I am afraid of being alone. I am not sure I hold out much hope any more in the possibility of reconciling. I feel so much grief right now. I feel I have failed.
How does one survive?
Me 58 BS
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Yep, sounds just like the typical affair. Is that you, Mr French? Are you hankering to give up without a fight?
I will help you get over the breakup if you are leaving because you admit you DON'T WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. [which is fine]
But I will NOT help you if you are just throwing in the towel because you have wrongly convinced yourself of her FOGBABBLE [which is sounds like] and have pre-emptively surrendered for no good reason. I won't help you be a fool just because you don't - won't - understand the real problem. But no, I won't help someone engage in pre-emptive surrender.
p.s. I suspect you are reading the wrong posts if you haven't caught on yet to what is going on here. If you had been reading posts on the infidelity forum you would KNOW what the real problem in your marriage is. Somehow YOU DON'T.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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