Since you have Internet access and your wife works in acompany with obviously more than a few people, MC is always an option. Maybe one she chooses to ignore?

I don't really need to - Knowing my FWW, it's my guess she stopped reading (or simply skimmed through the post) as soon as she felt she, her beliefs, or her way of doing things was being attacked. She shuts down and goes on the defensive as soon as that happens. That's likely what Just Learning seems to be making some headway - perhaps she doesn't feel attacked, yet, by his comments.

Breaking through her preconceived notion that we're a bunch of bitter BS's here that only want to vent our frustrations on hapless WS's looking for help is probably not going to be helped by some of the "tell it as I see it" posts...

The only tool I would use is a giant slingshot to shoot her sorry [censored] into outer space.

Do you really believe your daughters are not learning to walk all over whatever weasel of a man they can find to get what they want?

Good G0D, man. Have some dignity.

Be an example for your girls of what a good and decent man does when presented with a self indulgent self centered be-atch who thinks the world revolves around her. You want them living like she does?!?

Get the key to the safe deposit box where your wife keeps your b@lls (or find out if her Mom can meet you at the bank) and take them back!

For the love of humanity, man!?!

I wouldn't argue with you about this Tabby. In fact, I'd say that she probably saw me as a "husband" once, during the "infatuation" stage of our M, but that since changed. It's likely some of my behaviour contributed to that shift in her as well. And the 3 years that I've been trying to make a difference and change doesn't seem to have helped much.

There's stuff that I wish I could go back and change, stuff that contributed to the demise of our M, but unfortunately God didn't give us a "reverse" button when he made us...

"iam", the closest thing we have to an MC in this place is a "general" or "family" counselor, and they're likely to be about as adept at MB stuff as I am with Swahili. Not to mention that our problems will likely be all over our small community before we even leave the first session.

The next option is our priest, but we're not regular churchgoers, and she's indicated that she's not prepared to open up to our priest anyway (she won't even do Communion anymore, after finding out how important Confession of major sin was - yes, she's catholic. Oh, BTW, she blames that on me, because I was the one that informed her of the connection between the two!).

Are there any MCs available that offer their services over the Internet? That seems somewhat impersonal, and she'll likely not go for it either. Look at how "open" she is to hearing the many views expressed here for example. But it is an option I can suggest.

No, but you have a "reset" button and its called DIVORCE ... no MAN should have to live the life you are living.

I had another post already typed that was like TTH's "SQUARED", but I elected not to post it because it would have offended many of the posters here, and you would have just dismissed it anyway.

MIM, I have to tell you that I've lost respect for you, which I guess gives us something in common, because you don't seem to have much respect for yourself.

I don't think she believes the world revolves around her. More like it revolves around the kids, then her, with me being one of the moons.

I will say now that I get a much bigger slice of her attention than I used to be getting a few years ago. Back then, the kids were her world, and I basically was non-existent.

I would strongly urge confession and a visit with your priest. Three priests were instrumental in saving my marriage.

If she won't go, please do so yourself.

I'm not ready to push that button yet. I still see some life left in this M, and I'm not convinced that I or my children would be better off without it.

MyRev, here's how the D process works here, perhaps that might help you understand. As more than six months have passed since she disclosed her A, filing for D on the grounds of adultery, which would have resulted in the D being granted quite quickly, is an option that is no longer open to me. The only other options open are for us to choose to separate for two years, after which a D will be granted if we both agree on it, or for me to choose to separate from her, and fight it out for up to five years if she refuses to grant me a D during that time. Yes, I have looked into the D option quite closely. That's why I think it's not the best option open to me at the moment.

I'd considered this. I'm not a catholic, though my FWW and my children are, and I do attend church with them when they go (I don't take part in the Communion). I had considered doing so (talking to her priest about our situation), but I wasn't sure what "rules" apply. Would he even be prepared to listen to me, for example? And if she wasn't prepared to confess to him, she's likely not going to be prepared to listen to anything he had to say.

WHATEVER ... just more excuses for doing NOTHING.

I'm sorry, but there's no point in me participating in this thread as long as you are not interested in implementing ANYTHING that has been suggested to you.

It takes all kinds to make the world go round, and it's apparent that you and your WW are really PERFECT for each other. She has an ingrained need to DOMINATE her mate and you apparently are one of those men who likes to be DOMINATED.

Ah, but I don't believe I'm doing nothing. Confronting Tangled about the situation - that was me doing something. Convincing her that she needed to talk to someone about the situation - that's doing something. Discussing this situation with her to find a way of resolving it - that's doing something.

Baby steps like these may yet accomplish something for our M. I'm certainly not yet ready to push the flush button. In the future, I might be, but I always consider my options very carefully before making such a choice.

And DOMINATED by my FWW? Hardly likely. Perhaps part of her frustration comes from her inability to do so, unless I want it

you are kidding right? She has you whipped, tied and on the spit for dinner. I would suggest reading Rocksolids posts to see how similar you are to him.

Your children would be way better off IF you took a stand. Right now, they are learning from the most important role model that they will ever have that they should endure abuse and neglect when they are married.


Your wife is a liar that places you far down on her list of priorities. Where is your self respect man?

No 'rules' apply. I've never heard of a priest turning anyone away.

She doesn't have to listen to what he says. It's for your benefit, not hers.

Why not try something different? I promise you one thing, you will not tell the priest anything he has not heard 100 times before. Use that experience. If only to help you and your children.

Ok, I will talk to her about it.

BTW, religion is another sore point with me. She basically dictated that the children be baptised as catholics. I didn't object - herself and her family spent a lot more time at church than I did.

Of course, it took the A to bring out the truth about the connection, or lack thereof, she actually has with the catholic faith. And when the truth did come out, I felt like I'd been conned.

MiM, my friend, you are so used to gaslighting that you are doing it now to yourself. I say that with all respect for a man and I mean a man, who is defending his family from internal rot, imho.

First of all, a Catholic must be in a State of Grace to receive communion. This means confession of sin to a priest designated as a confessor of the moment, who accepts that role. And the confession of sin must be sincere and complete, period. And the Priest must assign atonement and forgiveness for sin.

Does your wife go to Mass and does she take communion?

Adultery and affairs are issues of character not behavior. Let me say this again in a different way. The betrayal of the vow of marriage is Biblical and very much a part of Catholic dogma and practice. Adultery is a sin. And Adultery is an issue of character. To be forgiven of that sin, an adulterer MUST confess, complete atonement and be forgiven by a Priest.

When a person who has committed adultery deals with the internal sources of that sin, they must examine their character. This can be an assignment by a Priest as a process of atonement and forgiveness. They must examine their adherance to their belief system, honor, integrity and, here is that word again, character. The examination of character does NOT include parsing observations of character deficit or skimming through them without consideration because of their "Sensitivity" to personal critisism. By what people do, they attract personal critisism, justified or not.

The examination of character by a former wayward should not include denial of a problem with character because the act of adultery by definition means there is a character deficit.

Ask any Priest.

You can argue till the cows come what a person was thinking when they did or did not do a certain thing.

What cannot be argued is the state of a person's character when they specifically engage in something that is hurtful to another, such as adultery. This is especially true when the act is a sin against God and a sin against the stability of the family and a violation of a vow made in Holy Matrimony, in the presence of God as a marriage in a Church would signify.

And that is what adultery is all about.

Larry

Hi Larry. I'm aware of the connection between Confession and Communion in the catholic faith, even though I'm not a practicing catholic. In fact, I think I found out about it on this very same forum some time ago.

My FWW used to attend Mass and take communion (though not on a regular basis) until I brought up this issue with her. Now she no longer takes communion. She prefers to avoid communion rather than confess to the priest. I pray that eventually she gets the courage to do so and set things right.

Go without her if she refuses. As far as the Baptism, that should have been agreed on prior to marriage.

I've been catholic all my life. Only in the last 4 have I been a decent one. Unfortunately, our faith and behavior rarely match. That does not make the faith bad though.

Good luck to you.

We talked last night about this whole issue...

She said that there was absolutely no intention on her part to deceive me about the new hire, and I believe her. She said that it must have slipped her mind to mention it, and in fact still can't believe that she did not - she wants me to check our MSN history logs to see if really didn't come up (we speak a bit on MSN Messenger during the day, and she knows I record the messages). I'm a bit of an absent-minded professor myself, so I'm quite familiar with that feeling!

She's also quite hurt that some of the posters on her thread are accusing her of lying, even though she tried to explain what really happened. That's really gotten her upset.

Finally, about her responses here, it's a bit of a problem for her to be really open because of her culture, of the way she was brought up. Being open about anything simply wasn't encouraged. It's not something that she's used to doing, that she's comfortable doing, and that's what her responses seem to come back a bit sterile, vague and guarded at times. She also gets very defensive when she feels she's being "pushed", but I think it's more a case of not knowing how to express what's really going on inside her, or being afraid of doing so because she'd be attacked for it, rather than deliberately trying to hide it.

So guys, she's trying, and I think she needs cooperation and encouragement, not derision. You can't encourage someone to be open by beating them over head with a stick. So, can we hold off on the 2x4's for at least a short while, please?

Thanks!

I'm sorry you are so gullible.


So is she gonna run off again and call us 'bitter BS's'?

She's hurt?? Well wah wah wah! Poor baby had a few people point out her lies?


She had no problem being open to men outside her marriage. More than once.


How's that worked out for you the last three years?

I won't post to her again. Not out of one ounce of pity for her but out of respect for your hurt.

Good luck.
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