Two years ago i had an affair with a co-worker and at the same time found she was pregnant. We decided to work through it for the family. we went to a therapist, we didnt have a whole lot of money so we saw someone with minimal experience, which now in hindsight was a horrible mistake. We stopped after about six months, she said she felt it wasnt really working and that we should try on our own. which was another mistake. This was our first hurdle in our relationship, at the time we had been together for 7 years. We really didnt know how to properly handle it, but thought what we were doning was the right thing. Apparently not. She took upon herself to try to handle and bottle up any emotion and talk to her friend and mother instead of me. She would tell me that she would go through bouts of depression, but only tell me about it afterward when she was feeling alright. This went on for two years, well three weeks ago she comes to me and says she wants a seperation and possible divorce. that she still hasnt been able to get over the cheating and that she doesnt know if she can love me and look at me the way she used to. she also adamitly feels she has done everything possible to save this marriage by bottling it in and not letting me in on how she feels at that moment. With the bad experience with counseling she doesnt feel it would make any difference this time around and to not try to make her go because she would only be resentful toward it. My friends and family tell me to give her the space she needs to work this out, but after finding this website and reading all this literature, I want to show her that we do still have hope. that her resentment is normal and that it takes the two us to work this out, and that we went about it the wrong way the last two years. I would appreciate any helpful advice.

How is your money situation now? Can you afford to counsel with the Harleys? It is about $185 per hour, but it is much cheaper than divorce. They are well worth the cost.

If money is a barrier, at least try and convince her to come to the boards here and seek advice from those that follow the MB principles. Its free, so what does she have to lose right?

Also, go to your nearest bookstore and buy "Surviving an Affair" for her. Be prepared to take the reins and do all the work for now. Bottling up her emotions has most certainly resulted in a huge amount of resentment that she now feels towards you. Its going to take some work to undo that.

She has asked for the seperation to think if she can still be happy in this marriage if she is better off out of it. Like I said she believes that she has done everything possible to save it. If i try to push this on her wont it make things worse and cause more resentment. I have already bought that book and have been reading and it has opened my eyes so much about our relationship and how we mishandled the situation.

Is it possible that she is now having an A? You should probably investigate that route so you can cover all your bases.

Read up on Emotional Needs, see if she will fill out the questionairre with you and get busy making sure you are filling her TOP Emotional Needs. My H does many great things, but in the past has completely not touched upon my TOP needs which ultimately depletes my lovebank. That can only last for so long. It's like trying to pay for something in foreign currency. You have to find out what her currency is so that you can make deposits using it.

I thought about that, she's been accessable anytime I need to get a hold of her. We have a son and we have been sharing custody. I'd like to think she wouldnt go down the same path I went down. Like i said is it too early ask her to do these things when in her mind she feels she has done it all and nothing has worked. I dont want to end up pushing her towards the divorce as the answer because i kept bugging her and didnt give her that time, or is 2 1/2 wks enough time and I should start making my move and quit letting her hold the reigns?

Has your W shown any interest in reading the same book since you have it? I don't think mentioning this site will be pushing her away. I would reinforce - what do have to lose since you're losing it anyway with the situation the way it is. I think distancing yourselves will only allow you both to disconnect more. I wanted to divorce my H after EA but it was his commitment to me and R that kept me around. We happen to have a good MC though too. When I found this site I would send my husband links to the articles and he appreciated it and really liked this site. If you send her a link I would stay away from "I think you'll like this article." I would rather say "Reading this article made me realize how I didn't meet your needs."

G

I just bought the book and she doesnt know because i dont know if she wants to hear it, I also ordered the 30 minute video on infedelity. I dont want her to resent me any more than she already does. but is 2 1/2 weeks enough time to stay away?

John, did you move out?

And what happened to the baby of your OW? Do you still see the OW? Do you see your child?

Did she ask you to move out so she can have "some space?"

no she moved out the other woman has been out of the picture for 2 yrs. i see my son all the time. but my dilema is do I try to introduce her to the this website risking that she might resent me even more

the baby is from my wife not the other woman.

ahhhhhhhh gotcha!

What do think has prevented her from recovering from your affair? Were you entirely honest with her? Did you answer all her questions?

Yes i was honest with her. I strongly believe we were not educated properly about how serious the cheating would be to the relationship. it all started with the therapist we sought out. We didnt have alot of money at the time and insurance didnt cover therapy, so we sought a local university that there graduated program offered discounted therapy so that there students could gain experience. i believe from there it was all down hill. of course i didnt realize that until I found this website. But if you ask her its all my fault because I didnt do anything during those two years. Better yet I wasnt doning the things she wanted me to do, even though she never expressed anything to me.

Melody, did u have the affair or did your husband?

I don't see how she can resent you for trying. If anything you will both gain knowledge and other people's experience you didn't have before. It will benefit her even is she decides to pursue D. Hopefully she won't but seeing this site as a benefit to her may bring her to it.

G

I'm just torn, friends and family say to hold off and wait some, but people I talk to in this forum say to show her the information. i just to make sure I make the right move. Like I've said its only been 2 1/2 wks but it feels like 2 1/2 months.

What does she want you to do? And would you start doing those things?

My H had the affair.

I thought I was tending to her emotional needs but after talking to her apparently I wasnt. She said I had two years to figure it out and what makes her think that I will start now. I wasnt paying enough compliments to her. I didnt tell her she looked nice enough or what a great job she did losing the baby weight and getting under her pre-prenancy weight. I am guilty of that and it was my fault that it was implied that I was proud of her. But I think her biggest complaint is that doesnt feel that she will be able to get past the cheating. That if she hasnt gotten past in two years, what are the odds that she will get past it at all? Even though we havent done any serious counseling. She seems to think she has this all figured out. I have already decided to go to counseling without her. I want to make myself better. I think she seriously believes she has no fault and that she has zero resposibility for the affair.

hmmmm, her complaints aren't making much sense to me. Would she come here and talk to us?

why arent her complaints making much sense? Right now no she wont do any of this because of the last experience. She feels it didnt get anything accomplished.