I've known of a few women on this forum who have been affected by domestic violence and several who were/are affected by extreme emotional abuse, so I'd like to share some of what I have learned the last couple of months on the subject and the information and resources I’ve obtained.

*EDIT*

National Domestic Violence Hotline for the U.S. and Canada: 1-800-799-SAFE
YWCA: www.ywca.org

*EDIT*

The YWCA has a support group for domestic abuse and even offers counseling for women in abusive relationships…for FREE.

I have more information but I’ll post it at a later time.

Excellent post.

One thing missing is that the "HE" abuser is often times a "SHE."

Men should be no less vigilant about abuse.

Women can be particularly viscous when it comes to abuse.

It ranges from verbal, emotional to physical.

Mine did all three and in the end tried to trick me into assaulting her, when I refused she dropped me off in the middle of nowhere in deep winter while crippled.

A great deal of your post is taken verbatum from various copyright protected sources.

example

I think quotes and links to the owner(s) of protected intelectual property is something you ought to fix in your post.

Other than that, good summary.

Let's see...

Some of the Warning Signs of Abuse:

He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners - yes

He is disrespectful towards you - yes

He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable - yes

He is controlling - yes

Nothing is ever his fault - yes

He is self-centered - yes

He abuses drugs or alcohol - no

He pressures you for sex - yes

He gets serious too quickly about the relationship

He intimidates you when he's angry - yes

He has double standards - yes

He has negative attitudes towards women - yes!

He treats you differently around other people - yes

He appears to be attracted to vulnerability

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior - yes

He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem - yes

He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands that you accept them - no apologies

He blames you for the impact of his behavior - yes

He undermines any progress you make

He denies what he did - yes

He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that you "pushed his buttons" - yes

He coerces you into having sex with him or sexually assaults you - yes

His controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behavior is a pattern
- yes

While I'm sure statistics vary depending upon the source, the statistics that I have read say that about 30% of men are abusive and only 1% of women.

Pep,

Odd to hear from you because I actually had a dream about you last night. I was your neighbor and you had a dachsund and that little thing jumped over your fence into my yard. I was desperately trying to figure out how to get it back into your yard without upsetting you because I just knew you would never believe that that little dachsund jumped over the fence by itself.

Thanks for the tip. I summarized most of the information above from the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I've read several books and attended several live classes that have provided me with tons of information.

I wanted to begin this thread by summarizing a big picture of abuse. Often, when someone is dead in the middle of an abusive marriage, it's difficult to see the big picture and recognize it as abuse, rather than simply marital difficulties or separate occurances - particularly if the victim has been led to believe that much of what is happening to her is her own fault.

The above mentioned book did the best job of breaking down patterns, tactics and the mentality of an abuser.

I'm dying to discuss Biderman's Chart of Coercion, but I'll save that for a later date.

catperson,

What do you think about all the "yes" answers you provided?

I think my life sucks.

I think I pray to God every day that my D18 sees it all for what it is and doesn't ever duplicate it.

We talk about it A LOT; and she experienced an abusive bf last year, and it really opened her eyes. So much so that she did a research project on it at school that turned into a presentation that she gave to all the girls in the school. They're now adapting it for junior high.

What scared her was that she got pulled into it without realizing it! And she already knew a lot about abuse, but he still whittled away at her, one coercion, put-down or action at a time, until only 3 weeks later, she was in tears, apologizing to him on the phone for upsetting him! This from a girl who tells every single guy she dates she'll never have sex with them, and if they don't like it, there's the door. Who tells them off if they don't pay enough attention to her. Who is totally in charge of herself.

She never saw it coming.

I was in the room during that phone call, and I finally decided I'd waited long enough for her to snap to it, and I had a long talk about what had happened. She decided to break up with him, and I told her exactly what was going to happen when she did - the endless phone calls, texts, MySpace posts, in the space of a couple hours; the endless circle of anger, then crying, then begging, then analyzing, then back to anger, and on and on. It went down exactly like I told her it would (she was so amazed; I scored big points that day, lol). If he'd had a car, he would have come over, too.

That was summer, and when school started, he came up to her and pretended nothing had happened and tried to act like they were still going out! (funny, my H is doing the exact same thing today, act like nothing happened) She put him in his place, but he continued to harass her for 9 months! As with most abusers, it's all about winning. He just couldn't stand that she took his control away.

BOTH of these numbers are laughable. 1/2 of all domestic violence calls we went on were the result of the woman hitting the man.

This from the Department of Justice

Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

While more women REPORT being assaulted (and are more seriously injured as a result of the abuse) men are being abused at a much higher rate than the media would have you believe. Heck, it is laughed at on TV when a woman slaps a man (Everybody Loves Raymond was a great example of this).

No where near 30% of men are hitting their partner...and more than 1% of women are doing so.

MEDC, how many women put men into the hospital? How many women hit their H's so hard it leaves a mark or a bruise? How many women break bones? How many women beat their husbands to death?

Speaking as a former battered wife, there is absolutely zero similarity between a woman pushing or slapping a man and a man beating the daylights out of a woman - which is way WAY more common that you think.

OHHHHH ....Now I see...it isn't abuse...it is degrees of physical abuse. So, because many women are not as strong they are not as accountable for THEIR slaps or abuse.

Well, men, when you slap...hold back a little...don't leave a mark or bruise. Then it's okay.

ANY woman that raises her hand to a man is abusive. If you EVER hit your husband ...except in self defense...you abused him as well.

There is NO excuse for abuse. It all leaves scars beyond the physical.

Hey Tabby, I KNOW how common it is. I got called to clean up the mess when the festivities were done. One time it was a woman beaten to death...another a husband lying dead with a steak-knife sticking from his chest.

ALL abuse is wrong.

When a man slaps a woman....it gets called abuse.
When a woman slaps a man...she's just lashing out.

Bullchit.

I never said a slap wasn't abuse. But having your life threatened is far far more serious and far far more difficult to get away from. Been there, have the t-shirt.

This from page iv of the aforememntioned Dept of Justice (Executive Summary).

Actually Dr Harley spoke on this a few weeks ago and said that more MEN are hospitalized for being physically abused by their wives/partners that WOMEN for being abused by their husbands/partners.

So it seems that perhaps today more MEN are being hospitalized than women for physical abuse at the hands of the female spouse or partner.

sure it is...but women account for a lot of abuse against their partners. It is a two way street...and BTW, they are also by far the number one abuser of children.

Women just get a free ride in this country when it comes to abuse.

It really is sickening.

I LOVED slapping the cuffs on all abusers...and can say that I proudly kicked the chit out of more than one for what they did. I also found a distinct pleasure in cuffing women that called us because her husband dared to hit her back!

"Actually Dr Harley spoke on this a few weeks ago and said that more MEN are hospitalized for being physically abused by their wives/partners that WOMEN for being abused by their husbands/partners."

This is just plain BS. Statistics prove otherwise.

Peep this study by UPHS.

http://www.uphs.upenn.edu/news/News_Releases/oct05/chldabse.htm




So please, don't tell me women are not abusive. Maybe, just maybe, many abusive men were created by abusive mothers.

Not saying it's right. Just saying that the myth of gender based innocence or guilt or that one genders crimes are more or less damaging than the other is just that, a myth.

Abuse is damaging.