This sounds almost exactly like my story. We have been married for 25 years. The last 13 have been a complete roller coaster for me. Although he had his first emotional affair after seven years of what I thought was a dream come true, we managed through that one and our marriaged seemed even stronger. Then came the internet which nearly devastated us.
He is also the music minister at our church and I am very invovled in all his ministries. The last internet fling he had was five years ago, and I have lived a nervous insecure life since then, although I felt like things were going great.
Then came cell phones and unlimited texting. I knew he was having emotional affairs with about three women from our church or at the very least, not being careful to fall into an emotional affair.

I noticed one of the women falling for him. She is a lot younger and they were texting and calling each other all the time. I knew something was about to happen. Then I found the emails. With pictures.

Without going into detail, I was completely destroyed by what I had found. He promised that he loved me, and has had no contact other than what naturally happens at church. He has gone to counseling sessions twice, but has stopped now. It has been about six weeks and he has read Every Man's Battle and has really been trying.

I check texting everyday and his emails everyday. He doesn't try to hide his phone from me and I look at his conversations whenever I get a chance.

I just do not know what to do next. I do not trust him. I want to, but I don't. And every week I get up and look at the other woman while trying to lead praise and worship. It is so unbearable sometimes I just want to go screaming out.

Today we had a fight because he was texting another young woman from our church. Although I do not think he was up to anything, I cannot get it through his thick skull that things can so easily turn south. Not to mention that I just really need him to lay off all of that right now while I try to reestablish my faith in him. He told me I was being unfair. He also said I made him feel dirty. Now I feel bad. I just want to die sometimes and escape all this emotional chaos.

I do not want to destroy his minister's heart. I just want him to find a healthy Godly balance in ministry and getting too close.

The church doesn't know anything, the other woman begged me not to tell. She has a young family and she was sure her husband would leave her. I gave her some books to read and she has since been working on her own marriage.

I am still going for counceling but have only been twice. Seems like sessions are so far apart and never enough to make me feel better.

He says he will go back if I want him to, but I really wanted him to do it on his own. I felt like I was making him go and he was always a wreck when he got out.

I do have compassion on him and I do love him and want this to work, but I feel like I have wasted my youth on a man who may or may not be faithful to me in our old age. I do not want to be married to a dirty old man.

Somebody please give me some hope that this can work out for the better.

This is not No Contact. You must have NC in place to recover your marriage.

Look on General Questions for the thread by Melody Lane, called, "Read My Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT". There is lots of good information there.

Have you exposed the affair to everyone? This includes the Pastor, church officials, his and your parents.

Have you?

No I haven't. I cannot do that. It would destroy my own life as well as many other's lives.

I understand NC. I just do not see how this is possible in my situation. I personally have to have contact myself. We all live in a very small town and work at different businesses.

We would have to quit our jobs, sell our house, file bankruptcy and move to have NC.

Believe me I would love to have NC but I am not willing to utterly destroy my own life because of their stupidity. There are children involved also.

Your life is being destroyed because you choose to ENABLE your husband's serial adultery. Because you keep his secret, he is ENABLED to continue to pursue other women. He should not be in any position of authority in your church. It is gross dereliction of duty to hide your H's affairs like this.

Your marriage and your family are being destroyed because of your stupidity, Madam. If his affairs were brought out into the open, he would have a motivation to STOP. And the church authorities would be able to stop him. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy and as long as you continue to help him in this regard, he will continue to pursue women.

p.s. Twentyfive, you might want to ask the mods to split off these posts to your own thread. I would ask them to take it over to General Questions 11 where you will get more responses.

All you have to do is hit the "notify" button at the bottom of this post and then type in your request.

Well I didn't come here to be insulted. I am not stupid. I am acting in the best interest of the children involved and what it would do to our church if it were exposed the way you suggest.

My H is finally getting Christian counseling and has given me carte blanche accountability to his actions this is a different approach than we ever have taken before and it seems to be working.

Maybe this won't work. Maybe it will. But either way, I am not stupid minimize the damage to our lives.

You are an enabler, Madam. It is not in the best interest of your children to enable their father like this by keeping his dirty secret. That only enables him to continue doing it without repercussion. You are the person who drives the get away car for the bank robber.

What your H is doing to your church, your family and the families of others without consequence is abominable. You harm them all by keeping his dirty secret and ensure it continues. You are an accessory to that crime.

He has had consequences. We have all felt the repercussions. They are not my children, they are hers. I am not thinking or acting selfishly in this situation.

Not every situation is the same. They may have similar circumstances and feelings, but you cannot apply put a cookie-cutter solution to everybody. My counselor agrees that we cannot tell anyone unless our positive progress stops. It would tear apart too much.

Believe me, I am not enabling anything. He is walking very open and honest with me. I've known him all my life and seen him at his worst. He is dealing with his problems so that we both can be healed.

You are enabling his affair by keeping his secret from the church. Your H should not be a minister in any church and keeping his secret prevents the church authorities from removing him. He is not FIT to be a minister.

Your secrecy also allows him to pursue the wives of other unsuspecting church members. That is gross dereliction of duty.

Secondly, you should not be going to the same church where he sees his lover. That prevents recovery of your marriage. Your H will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal by seeing her at church.

If your counselor has not told you this, then he/she does not understand the dynamics of adultery and is probably not qualified. Dr.Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience saving marriages, and he would tell you that all contact must end, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Lifechoice post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048341&fpart=1

Quote:
He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE.


I can certainly attest to this. My situation is a prime example of what not to do. I kept myself stuck in withdrawal for over 2 years because I continued to work with my FOM. In these 2 years I had no desire to get back into the A, I just couldn't break free of my addiction.

After I ended the A I learned about the addiction part of it and agreed it was a huge part of it. The scary part of the addiction is during the 2 years FOM and I worked together I didn't even realize how much I was still addicted to him. We did our best to remain professional, but the addiction was still there and kept me very stuck. I couldn't get over certain aspects of the A, but couldn't figure out why. (duh). I thought I had a good handle on it, but in all reality I didn't. It wasn't until after FOM left our employer and moved out of town that I finally could get through withdrawal. I should also add it was this bad for me and I only worked about 6 days a month. I can only imagine it would be much worse for someone who works with the AP on a full-time basis.

Now every time I read where AP's are still working together I just cringe. I wasted 2 years of my time in withdrawal and at the same time for one of the years trying to rebuild my marriage. Talk about a lot of mental anguish and conflict.

My advice to everyone from a BTDT POV, a WS needs to get as far away from the AP as they can.

LC

sigh... so this woman's own husband is also being deceived? You are protecting the adulterers and NOT the victims? How will he know that he has a problem if you help your H deceive him? How will he protect himself from your "minister" husband if he is not told the truth? This is deceit and fraud to not tell your H's victim.

This is cruel and manipulative.... To allow this man to sit in church with your H not knowing what he has done to his family is very callous.

Let me ask you this, if your neighbors bookkeeper was stealing money from him would you not tell him because you didn't want to "hurt him?" Does that sound rational to you? Why would you apply that logic to adultery?

We will just have to agree to disagree on this. I know that my actions are the best for my personal situation.

My husband is an excellent minister. It is not for me, you or anyone else to say whether he is fit to be a minister. That is for God to say and until God tells me different, then I am will follow this course.

Thanks for your input.

No other comment required.

Hi 25, I just now read your thread.

Before you completely write us off and stop reading MB, please consider one thing for me, ok? Would you consider at least letting your pastor know? After all, he is supposed to be your and your H's spiritual advisor in addition to being your H's "supervisor", right?

Think about this just a minute. Even if your H wants to stop these EAs, he seems unable to do so by himself. These things are addictive - affairs (both EA and PA) and also the internet, texting, etc. It's been 15 (? sorry if I've got the number wrong) years and he has not been successful in quitting. If he wants to stop and can't, he needs help, and your pastor would be a good person to talk to. If he is deceiving you about wanting to stop, again, talking to your pastor is a good idea.

And NOT telling your pastor is deceitful too, since your H is a minister in that church.

Not telling is enabling, not helping. Help your husband. Tell your pastor, at least.

Your H is not an excellent minister; an adulterer who abuses his position is unfit to lead. And it is for every RESPONSIBLE PERSON to say that an adulterer who exploits women in his church is UNFIT for authority and should be removed.

Your H abuses his position of authority in the church to exploit female parishioners, with your help. You are an accessory to the crime.

No you came here for advice which it is quite obvious you have no intention of listening to. While ML may lack sufficient tact for your personal taste, she is spot on in all regards.

A pastor who cheats is not fit to lead the flock.

By trying to cover up the affairs, you enable them.

Serial cheater is a big problem and most likely one with no solution other than divorce. This is pattern behavior that isn't going to go away.

TwentyFive,

If I were to attend your church, I cringe at the thought of your H ministering to my W and I. What if we needed help because we had infidelity issues, and your H is in the perfect position to exploit our weaknesses and wreck our M even further.

Then we find out that you knew all along about his problem but did nothing. I am.not sure.... how I could handle such betrayal not only by my wife, but a man whose job it is to help us walk with christ, not lead us into temptation and sin for his own benefit.

I don't have much faith left, I am not sure why.. and I'm not good with posting text from the bible, often because I am afraid I don't understand it sufficiently myself, but this one did pop into my head.

In the parable of the talents, Jesus described a man who did nothing. When he received his Lord's money, he "went and digged in the earth, and hid his Lord's money" (Matt. 25:18). When his Lord returned, he returned to the Lord just what he had been given (Matt. 25:25). Notice, the servant did not do any outright evil, such as stealing the money, but then neither did he do anything good. He did nothing and he got nothing good accomplished. Jesus said he was a "wicked and slothful servant" (Matt. 25:26).

If the above doesn't really apply, I apologize. You aren't doing anything evil, but your allowing it to flourish in the house of God.

Ted Kaczynski got turned in by his own brother.

You protect a person who is bent on continuing to destroy the lives of countless others.

Who have you served?

You are an accessory to rape.

The other woman's husband was raped and you stood by and watched.

It's disgusting.

Remember the Good Samaratain?

Well, you are one of those who crossed the road and offered no help!