I wouldn't think so, unless she can show you were a threat. If anything, I would think a court/judge would tell you to go to mediation before you have to move.

Today's task. Make a NEW list of people to expose. All family, close friends, those cousins for sure, and his family. Get all their numbers written down on a piece of paper and just sit down at the phone and call them, one after the other until you've reached all of them (or left a message). You'll never get anywhere without doing that.

And the "carrot" part of plan A too. Treat her as well as you did when you first married. Find something to admire her about (make it plausable).

NO love busters. No relationship talk right now.

Just be NICE.

Thanks cat.

I posted something about this in someone else's thread, but yeah, I've come to the conclusion that my exposure phase is not over.

It's really hard for me to imagine her moving out, but that may very well be necessary. She's threatened it for a while, but just doesn't have the means...I think. I don't know how much savings she has.

Because I don't want her to move out, it's hard for me to do things that I know will make her angry and "push her away" (her words). And yes, I know she's in a fog and will be upset about something anyway.

I will make that list, but I'm curious about how successful, or potentially harmful, exposure is to friends of hers. They're only acquaintances to me. I've left her family out of it entirely, and with very good reason...

Thank you all for your support. I appreciate the quick responses.

I've developed a new catch phrase: "If I didn't (or did) do that, I'd be the same guy I was before I knew about the A. I don't want to be that guy." She has nothing to say to that! HA!

Bull hockey! Go ahead and try to give me a reason that justifies them not knowing their daughter is an adulterer. I'm curious to know what it could be.

What it does with friends is that they are her friends! They are the people she has a bond with, who LIKE her. If they are upset with her for doing this, they are going to let her know. At the least, they'll question her about it and she will get uncomfortable knowing they have mixed feelings about cheating. She doesn't want them to stop liking her. If she stops the A now, she can claim temporary insanity and be forgiven. If she goes on with it, they'll wash their hands of her. It doesn't matter if they even know you - they know HER.

THAT is why you expose.

As for moving out, if it's hard on her...good! She needs to understand what her consequences are.

And if you have time, take a look at some of the other threads here. You'll see the vast difference between the guys who up and exposed right away - and got results - and the guys who were too chicken to do it, and suffered more and more while their wives got bolder and bolder, to the point of losing all respect for their husbands. Is that what you want? Or do you want to be a husband who fights for his wife?

ok, Willy, I think you are missing the entire point here. The goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid making your wife mad at all costs. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger over exposure, it cannot survive this affair.

Therefore, your goal is to do everything in your power to RUIN her affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is ruinous. Affairs are enabled by SECRECY. So if you help her keep the secret, you will be enabling the affair.

Yes, exposure is harmful. It is harmful to the AFFAIR. Now, t3ell me WHY you cannot expose to her family?

Exposure to friends is usually not helpful unless you think the friend will talk some sense into her. Exposure should be to parties who will talk some sense in her like family, pastor, employers, etc. If the OM is married, his W would be at the top of that list.

Your inaction and outright ENABLING of this affair is leading your marriage right towards divorce. You have little kids that need to be protected so you don't have the luxury to sit there and twiddle your thumbs. They need you to get up and start doing something to SAVE THEIR FAMILY before this leads to divorce.

And the part about going to bed early so she won't "feel oppressed" when she is sneaking in the back door at 10pm like an alley cat is NONSENSE, SIR! If she is going act like an alley cat in heat, don't help her sneak in the back way unnoticed. Good grief.

She feels GUILTY, not "oppressed." And she is supposed to feel guilty, don't protect her from that!

Is your wife bigger than you? Does she beat you? Is that why you are so terrified of her anger?

Well, it's not entirely bull hockey. Her "sperm donor", as she calls him, is incarcerated. Her mother has never had a successful marriage (counting the 3 I know of). Her older sister went through an abusive marriage, ended up divorcing, and would probably help her fill out the divorce paperwork.

There might be one uncle of hers that would put pressure on her fantasy world.

And you're right, I do need to expose more and quickly, before she gets much more comfortable.

Thanks for the gut check.

No, but thanks for the smack. She's 2 feet shorter than me.

Quit assuming what other people will do. Her family NEEDS to know. If anything, her knowing that they know might be enough to stop the A, even if they don't say anything. You have no idea how much she cares about their respect for her. Tell them. I'd even write to her father. Don't let a female tell you that her father doesn't matter to her. Unless he was abusive to her - and even then sometimes - every female craves the respect of her father. Calling him a sperm donor is her way to protect herself from caring about him.

willy, expose to her mother. Call her mother up and tell her you want to save your marriage and [important!!--------->]ASK FOR HER ADVICE!! If you ask for advice, they are more likely to offer to help. And some will not help, some don't give a CRAP about her and will say something inane like "I just want her to be happy." :RollieEyes: [thank God she is not a serial killer, huh?] But that is ok. the more people that know, the more uncomfortable your W will feel. Exposure ruins the fantasy aspect of affairs.

The uncle would also be a good one to call.

The OM's parents and wife, if any, should be notified. If this is a workplace affair, then you should formally notify the director of HR, a key VP and their supervisors.

IMO, exposure works best if done at once because it has a tsunami effect and prevents the affairs from pre-empting you and spinning the story.

p.s. and I would strongly suggest you have a come-to-Jesus with the OM and let him know she is married with small children and that you will fight for your marriage. Tell him if this doesn't stop, you will file on grounds of adultery and have him hauled into court to give sworn testimony about his affair with your wife. Ask him: what are your intentions with my wife?

Make sure he understands that you will not go down easy.

I'm sorry, I didn't complete the thought. It's hard, but something I'm willing to do. And planning on doing. I had contacted our pastor a few weeks ago, but didn't encourage it to go further. Just now, I sent a message that I would like him to confront her.

Since I don't have phone #'s, just emails, I have messages out to my cousins and her local friends.


Because they will encourage her that what she's doing is right. Read about that in the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread.


She gets off of work at 10. She comes in the front door and makes as much noise as usual. Usually enough to wake me up if I'm already asleep. And as far as I know, she's not in heat. Although we've made jokes that her and our cat have the same cycle.

I think I need to be a bit more clear in my posts. Sorry.

About my situation; even after the exposure I've done, she has not expressed any desire to repair our marriage. I see Plan B in our future.

I dunno, maybe when our pastor confronts her, she'll change her tune a little.

Since I don't want to highjack someone else's thread, I'm replying to this post from Mark1952.

I've been a little vague as to the relationship my WW has with most of her family.

To put it gently: They're royally screwed up!

I may be wrong in this, but part of me just doesn't want to encourage any rekindling of any relationship with her immediate family. They are so far off the map that I can't even come close to predicting what they'll do.

Yes, I understand that it make shake up her fantasy world, but there's also a good chance they'll encourage her and make it stronger.

If it comes down to it, I'll reconsider, but at this point I'm following other lines that should be more effective.

Thanks.

If that were true, your WW would have already told them and lined them up on her side. Since she hasn't told them, she likely thinks they won't. So go ahead and expose.

I delayed for a little while in exposing my FWW's A to her 5 sisters, with whom she is very close. The A fizzled out 2 weeks after exposure to them, even though she screamed and yelled and wouldn't talk to me for 4 days after she learned of the exposure.

Good news!

After a few painful confrontations, my wife has verbalized her willingness to work on R. There is still a few logistical details to take care of, but we've had the chance to spend some time alone together and our conversations seem to be much more fruitful, and most of them aren't about our relationship.

Thanks to all for the advice.