This even up story by your sleeping out is an old method of dropping your standard. Don't do it! Show her love.

Oh believe me, I see that leading nowhere good. I have pretty strict standards about sex, even if I wasn't married. I think it'd be just one more thing to come between us.

Excited and nervous about the birthday outing tonight. She will be facing the music with all our friends for the first time. I'm so scared for her. I have NO IDEA what she's going to be like in this. She said she's freaked out but ready. I'm going to have fun, whatever the cost.

Zen, you know I'm on your side, right? But a WS facing the music to friends and family...that is big, man. We are all shame-based to an extent. But this is huge. I know this is your day, but this is your chance to take the high road and show her why she married you in the first place, ya know?

Have fun!

Had an amazing night. One of the best birthdays in memory. I think it's made all the more bittersweet because of the intense ups and downs lately, but last night was an intense up. Friends and family embraced her and she soaked it in all night. We have great friends. I guess my brother's GF gave her a hard time, which is regrettable, but she seems to have handled it well. Stayed up WAAAAY too late and ended the evening with some wonderful hanky panky.

This morning she's been very affectionate and warm. I've missed this so much. It's a little scary because there is this 900 lb. gorilla in the room with us, but I can see how this will get better and better and all the hurt will fade into the past if we keep making each other feel loved.

Cross your fingers, pray, hail Mary.

Zen, have you learned your lesson about drinking???

Look, I'm 34 years old and I've been drinking for all of a month. There were a lot of free drinks headed my way last night, but I managed to keep it at a modest level. Really fun and not too much meloncholy creeping in. I think it's fun for her to finally see me cut loose and just relax and enjoy myself. I've always been VERY contained and sober and judgemental and this is one of the BIG issues between us.

I would just point out what drinking got you earlier in the week. Drinking in a highly emotionally volatile environment is a huge mistake.....as you saw yourself. You need your wits about you!

The reason she wants you to RELAX [and stop being "judgemental" :RollieEyes:] is because she is doing something she does not want to be judged FOR. Hers is the refrain of an infidel who wants others to lower their standards to accommodate her bad behavior instead of raising her own standards. just keep that in mind.

I completely agree that trying to do serious marriage work while drinking is not wise. But I will say that cutting loose together is a fantastic way to enjoy each other's company - something that has been missing for a really long time with us. So was cuddling in bed this morning.

The standard around infidelity is not lowered for me in any way. It's the most traumatic experience of my life, bar none. I certainly have a different view of its causes and my ability to cope with it though.

Be careful, my friend.

I'm glad you had such a good birthday! And I'm glad your W was welcomed back; IMO, your family's doing that is akin to helping you with a great Plan A - gives her a great reason to want to stay with you.

Any good presents?

My wife gave me a nice set of Japanese bonsai tools and another friend gave me some good quality Kentucky bourbon which is going to sit on the top shelf for awhile.

Day 3. There have been some false starts, but this is feeling like the real deal. WW is very affectionate, very pleasant to be around. Not defensive. I was worried I'd be confronted with an emotional wall for awhile. Not seeing the strong signs of withdrawal yet. We had dinner and back yard smores session with my brother and his long time girlfriend last night. I suspect that my wife is very relieved to be treated well by the people she loves and respects, so maybe the depression hasn't hit yet. She's wearing her wedding ring again, fell asleep in my arms last night. It's all very wonderful and scary. Such a stark contrast to the extreme stress of the last month, that I can't help being guardedly hopeful. My heart needs a break, yet I know I need to be prepared for the worst. She asked me how I was doing last night. I told her scared and happy. Asked her, and she said, "good," with a gentle smile. Trepidation!!!

I think I'll get going on the 'Surviving the Affair' methods in earnest this week. I don’t want to push, but I know we need some guidance through this. Thanks so much for your support everyone. First thing is the NC letter.

Just talked to a friend who knows the OM. She said OM told my wife to [censored] off. Might explain why she came back after the night of the tears and 'stigmata' nose bleed. Not knowing the whole story, even though she had called him up that day and cut it off, when things got to be too much for her, she took off for his house. He tells her to go to hell, so the next day she calls to reconcile with me. I've kind of thought that the only way she's going to come back to me is if she gets dumped by him, which is why I was concentrating on interfering with the affair. There's a difference between knowing this, and experiencing this. Being the second choice is pretty hard to take. Oh well. Things can't really get any worse than they have already been. One more hill on the roller coaster. I do feel more resolved to be very firm with my boundaries.

The way she's been acting now, so much softer and more affectionate totally jives with that story too. I think the fog lifts a bit easier that way, so there's a little silver lining. I've also had a really tough time with her assertion that our marriage was dead, because it was a very good marriage in most regards to me. Being so willing to be loving toward me makes me feel like those assertions were pretty fog related, which is what her friend who knows OM and blew the whistle has been telling me all along. I think that's better than the 'exit affair'. This is not to say that the issues that lead to her disillusionment weren’t real, just that she may not have been trying to end the marriage. Who knows. She may not ever say.

Well, you're now in new territory.

The vets can help you through recovery.

Keep your guard up and expect the worst for the short term. Just as you need to show her you've changed, you need to see change from her and she must understand that she just put you through the most terribly painful thing a spouse can go through short of the death of a child.

Yeah, I just went through a journaling exercise to kind of feel my way through the next step. I will have a progress report talk with her tonight, and assert these boundaries:

We follow the MB principles to a T. Treat it as the bible.

NC letter, MB style

Access to email and phone. Complete openness.

Complete honesty with each other. Tell me any time contact is made.

Filter everything we do through the question of how it makes the other feel. Selfishness got us here, time to be givers.

Emotional needs questionnaire.

I know there's a lot more to it, but I think this will be a good way to go into the next week. Suggestions? Comments?

Holy !@$%%^!!!**!!!

I sent the OM a final note to stay away from my family.

Wife just calls me, late for dinner: "I can't believe you wrote him again! He's a human being! I went over to drop off his keys, which everyone has told me to do. I was trying to do the right thing..."

I'm so angry I can barely think.

Ok. The plan is that she must send him the final NC note. A note that you also approve.

Zen,

I think you are just getting started. The roller coaster has not yet really hit the high point yet and the steep fall is yet to come.

Have you ever had a girl that really fell for you and was real clingy? What do you think your actions are doing to her?

And I am not necessarily talking about the letter to the OM, but at this point in time a letter is questionable I think.

Oh dear god. I cannot believe the self-control I'm supposed to exert in this. It is inhuman. What I am going through is beyond the limits of anyone. ANYTHING I do is justified at this point, including going down to the OM's house and breaking his legs. Buuuuuuut, I'm civilized. I want to save my marriage with this person who treats me like this.

I know this is just the fog. I'm just angry that she spent all day at work thinking about HIM, and how bad she feels for HIM, and then skips dinner with me and our children again to go drop off his keys and have 'closure'. And then she calls and gets angry with me "I was just trying to do the right thing..." Even implied that I screwed everything up. It's too much?!

I am not too clingy. I've done nothing but F*cking endure and endure and stay calm and cool and thoughtful.

I know the OM is hurt. I know it sucks for him. But I don't CARE!!!! I didn't hurt him? They hurt each other.

For her to do this in the face of the tremendous ground we made over the last couple days is so so hard to take.

OK. I'll calm down. I'm sure by the time she walks in drunk at 3:00 in the morning, I'll be cool as a cucumber again. I'll keep trying Plan A. If she walks out the door tonight, I'm going immediatly to Plan B tomorrow. My ability to keep doing this is flagging severely.

Wife just referred to MB book as a 'cult book' in a text. Oh boy. I guess we're a loooooooong way from where I thought we were.