Some of it will end when you allow it to. Stop letting her give you mixed signals by having these long phone conversations about your M. No good will come from it.

When she brings up the R on her own and she talks to me it gives me some insight as to what she was experiencing that made her have the A and leave. I listen to her and pray for reconciliation so our children don't have to live this way.

I didn't ask you why you were talking about your R or M or whatever. I simply told you to stop it. I gave you the same advice in late November and you still aren't taking it. Listening to her talk about your shared past while she's currently in an A with the OM will not help recover your marriage. It will only confuse you and bring you pain (which it has already done countless times). You have been given plenty of advice and you seem unwilling to do what's been recommended. For instance, what have you been doing to improve yourself?

Your comments reaffirm to me that being the WS is whom we should have all been!! This way we can do what we want and hurt whomever we choose and control everyone's life based on what WE decided.

I should have been the cheater so I can have it all !!!

To answer your question..

1) quit smoking now for 6 weeks(never going back)

2) lost weight

3) have a new job paying me very well

4) moved into my own new place just before Christmas

5) learning how to be a better man for my whomever I may end up sharing my life with in the future

6) Most of all...being the best dad I can be

I had a talk with XW today and after telling me about how great of a guy OM is, she proceeds to tell me that OMW(now OMXW) cheated on him! Also, that OMW's bf would pick her up from their house while OM was still living there.

Apparently, OM was so broken hearted over his own wife's infidelity he had no problem getting involved with another man's wife(NOT!!)

XW says he is a great guy and that he only got involved with her because she said our M was over. She added that he was so concerned for us and our children that he even encouraged her to work on the marriage(what a guy...shucks)

She actually said I should be happy for her and that he is good to our kids....oh brother!!

I just do not understand why my XW still gets angry with me over our M when we have been apart for 1 1/2 years? Yesterday, I called to work out our children's dental appointment and she proceeds to take jabs at me about money(as usual).

Our conversation lasts well over an hour while she tries to justify the start of her A saying that OM did nothing wrong since she told him she was "done" with the M.. When I responded in the conversation she gets hostile saying that I don't listen and if I had done what she needed from me, we would still be together.

If she is so "content" and "in love" with OM, why does she STILL talk about the failure of our M and is so emotional about it?

I am so sick and tired of feeling lost, betrayed and lonely while she just moves on with OM like I didn't matter.

I am so disgusted...

MMF

Yes, me. H had an EA that lasted for a little over a year before I busted it, exposed it and he agreed to end it. Although he says he blames himself for all our financial problems (not that far from the truth but there were a few things I could have done to help prevent financial disaster but didn't because I left it in his hands) he is quick to cite--whenever we get into an argument---that he has "tried" for 20 years to communicate, give me what I want (what he thinks I want), reach out to me, etc., and I have rebuffed him at every turn. This is not entirely untrue as I did withdraw emotionally and somewhat physically from the relationship at various points over the years. I have also admitted this to him and have tried to correct this but whenever we start to argue or discuss a volatile subject, he hits me over the head with "the past 20 years" 2x4.

But to address MMF and the beginning of this thread, I will add that I also have a need for financial security. I have no problem providing my own; when I was single, I had a great job and owned my own house. No money problems. He's had trouble holding down a job, has resented the fact that I always made more than him and when he has lost jobs, has REFUSED to work anything he feels is beneath him (hence our financial disasters). When I was 8 mos pregnant with child #1 and planning to take an extended maternity leave (part unpaid), he announced he couldn't stand his job anymore and he was quitting. His mind was made up. He had a plan to do something with flipping real estate and he spent a lot of money with a lawyer incorporating, printing business cards, taking the RE exam (but not getting licensed) etc. And then did......nothing. For 2 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse as to why it wouldn't work and how hard it was to find the right FT job that meets his expectations. Meantime we had a kid and expenses and I went back to work after paid maternity leave was up. But he didn't want to be a SAHD, so I negotiated a PT agreement. I was basically working FT hours and getting 2/3 my salary and he was nagging at me the minute I was supposed to be out the door and home to relieve him of "babysitting duties".

He was great with our baby at home. But the house was a mess and the minute I got home, he was out the door to the gym.

I guess I'm the one bringing 20 year resentments up now.

Sorry to hijack. Just wanted you to see a bit of the other side of financial security.

OurHouse,

I appreciate your wanting to share the need for financial security. However, my two children and I do not deserve the life we are now living because XW didn't work on the M and began an EA.

[i]That was her choice and now, 1 1/2 years later, she still wants to verbally bash me for ruining our M and her life and holds me 100% responsible for everything.[/i]

Finances are definitely important, but they only are when there is stress. Funny how she was "just fine" when we moved into a brand new house and drove nice cars.

MMF

Just fed up.

When they leave they never come back !!!

We take the blame and they go about their lives not caring about us.

Marriages have become completely expendable and no matter what any BS does, the WS GETS TO DECIDE!!

THAT IS A FACT !!!

Wrong, not always...I was a BS was completely blind-sided and NOT in control for all of a few weeks. I took it to WW with everything I had, and the more she kept WWbabbling, the more insistent I was about PLAN D til it started to recede. She was using the family(children) as her insurance policy that I wouldn't tear it all down. I still say for BHs, you can go STRAIGHT to plan D, call their bluff, make it seem permanent, then if rocking their world doesnt work, so what, it wouldn't have regardless. I suggest if you started seeing someone and pressing for the BIG D, she'd D*mn sure start thinking twice about her actions. Tell her "Ok, HAVE A GOOD LIFE!" Right now, she thinks SHE has all the options. You must counter this and take control. That's what I did, but by the time I was w/ other women, I realized the love I had for her was slipping FAST. We could have rebuilt, but WHY? I'm the type that can fall in love w/ another woman so why live in h*ll the rest of my life. You can MARRIAGE BUILD for future Marriages too. I do believe there is a different prescription for saving marriages between BHs and BWs. There just is...Dude

I guess my recent posts/vents are too "angry" to get a reply.

Do you want a reply or are you just raging? I gave you advice a long time ago and you have refused to follow it. If you want to continue feeling the way you've been feeling, by all means, continue to ignore my advice and keep doing what you're doing.

What advice?

All every one says here is to stop being angry.

Oh, I forgot...I should be jumping for joy!!

Fine, I'll do the work for you and go back through your thread, since you apparently don't want to make that effort:



Does any of that look familiar? And yet months later here you are recounting your latest conversation with your XWW where she talks about OM, yada yada and how much it's bothering you. So I will say this one more time...

Stop talking to your XWW about your marriage/relationship/OM/etc.

If you are unsure how to do that, feel free to ask us for advice. One example is to say simply and succinctly 'I'm not interested in discussing this. Unless you have something pertinent to discuss regarding our children, this conversation is over.' But if you continue to disregard our replies, you can expect that will we stop making them. Because otherwise you're just wasting our time.

Really? I don't seem to recall reading that in your thread. Anger is a very natural emotion in these situations and I think all of us BS have experienced it.

But I think you need to re-read this thread a few times because your reading comprehension seems to be very poor.

BHHFSGUY,

So I presume that you NEVER spoke with your WW about her A, your M or R?

As a matter of fact, I have NOT initiated ANY talk about our M, OM or anything except what pertains to the kids. She even commented that I say very little to her and barely look at her when we I bring back our kids.

SHE starts the R talk and gets very emotional. She was my W and I STILL(I hate that I do) love her dearly.

I have read your advice: "don't engage in R or M talk".

I am human so I may not easily shut off my emotions and not have the need to say what I am feeling about her betrayal.

One of the most incredible and hurtful things is her BELIEF that talking to OM was not wrong(no PA at that point) especially since she was DONE with the M.

BHFFSGUY...thanks for your postings

A major problem she has is that I am not willing to protect her to our children. She says it is wrong and illegal(not talking bad about the S to the children)to discuss her personal life with our children.

Yet, she has brought our children together with OM and his kids numerous times. Lied to them that he is "a friend" and that she wants them to "like" OM.

I will not, I repeat...will not ever, ever, ever protect my XW to our children!! She lied, she cheated she destroyed our family and I will not give her a free pass.

You all can sit here and say I am angry etc. but I do not have to step aside while she trampled on our M and our vows.

My children will always know that their mother is an adulterer and I will see to it they never forget.

MMF

Are you suggesting they never forgive their mother?

Your not getting it.

Do not talk to her about anything other than arrangments for your children. And try to come up with a way to have an intermidiate do that. If she want's to talk about your M or her A or the OM, then hang up the phone.

You cant make her realize that she is wrong!!
You cant talk sense into her!!
She does not belive she has done anything wrong, and you cant make her see she has!! Only time will do that.

You don't realize it, but you are enabeling her. Stop!! Do not see or speak to her unless it is 100% necassary for your childrene.

I know this sucks.
I know you feal betrayed, abandoned and used.
And yes, we know your angry and you have every right to be.

But talking to her and seeing her is a form of support. Take that support away.

Pepperband,

Forgiveness is a choice. Our children will decide for themselves if they want to forgive their mother. In the meantime, I have no intention of encouraging them to like or want to be around OM.

If she were truly a mother, then she would have not have been so selfish. Now she wants my and their acceptance of her choice and she will certainly never get it from me and I won't encourage our children to do so either.

MMF

MMF

The WS gets to decide for herself and the BS gets to decide for himself. You can't make your xWW reconcile or dump OM if she doesn't want to. Stop living your life based on what xWW is doing. You are only making yourself miserable. Maybe one day she will wake up and realize what a fool she has been. Maybe she won't.