The only thing worse than coming here,

Is coming back.

Before, I was emotional wreck. I'm so dreading that rollercoaster ride again.

So any way....4 years ago WW was deeply in love. She put me through the ringer, never sure what she wanted. It was nearly 9 months before she started to begin our relationship again. The whole time we lived together, but I never knew if she was being faithful or what. I tried to do everything I should, right out of the books.
As I said, I was an emtional wreck. But I got over it, even trusted her again.

Fast Forward....

I muffed up a text message I was sending her. Wanted her to see it later in the day. Just a sweet note. I saw some odd text's on her phone. Sorta put me on alert. They were from co-workers. So I sent her a note annonymously...telling her to knock it off.
She freaks out. Doesn't know who is playing games. She's really upset.

Finally, because I don't like the lies. I tell her it was me and why. she explains the texts' away. But isn't mad at me. More relieved. I found that odd.

I'm still on alert a bit.

Low and behold, I am checking the kids web browsing, they were using her account, and I find she had been on webmd looking up pregnancy symptoms, ru-486 and the like.

A day later she tells me she concerned that she's having pre-menopausal issues and needs to see the gyno. Just happened to get in the next day (how often does that happen???)
I find her appt sheet, it's got ru-486 written on top.

Oh, btw I've had a vas.

I confront her. Ask her up and down if she's pregnent. NO NO NO!
It's because her period is late, and she may have a cyst.

I look this up, to see if such a thing is approved by the FDA. Nope.

Anyhow. after a lot of yelling she finally fessed up.

Claimed a one night thing. IS/was pregnent (in the midst of her "treatment").
Don't know if I believe I'm getting the whole truth, not sure if it matters.


I'm not sure what to do. She's apologized, said it was a mistake blah, blah, blah.

I've not said much, mostly because she's upset about the ru-486 stuff. Cramping. Not trying to beat her up.

So here I am, back again. Not sure if I should even bother to start again. Not wanting the rollercoaster ride to start, but I already recognize a repeat of the feelings.... That.....Oh I remember that emotion.

Wow, so sorry to hear the latest. How old are your kids?

Kids: 11, 10, 8


what sucks, is before, I can admit I may not have been meeting all her needs (and I know she wasn't meeting mine not that she cared). But now. I know better.

This was a selfish act on her part. Done at my expense.



I work 40 hours a week, get up each morning at 4:15, pack kids lunches. do some house work, get myself ready for work, get the kids up, see them off to school before I'm off to work. Wife sleeps in. works at a resturant/bar. I get home take care of kids and there homeowork make dinner ...

yeah what she did was selfish. and at my expense (my anger getting to me now)

I really don't know if I should throw in the towel. That's what I need help with.

She's not meeting me needs. Sadly, for all I do for the kids....Mom is the hero. That sucks too!

There is a right and a wrong reason for any couple split up. I don't know...Feeling hollow and numb from this... HAHA I can't remember the stages that a BS goes through...shock, sorrow, anger......is that right?

Do you even know WHO is the reason she needed this "treatment?"
Doesn't sound like you know much at all, and she ain't sayin'.

Obviously, she didn't get anything out of your first "reconciliation" after her affair. Do you have ANY reason to think this time will be different?

You need to draw your line in the sand, man.

How often do you have SF with her if at all?

A "V" can reverse itself so be sure to get checked.

Do I know WHO specifically, NO. It's not me, that much I'm certian. My Vas was nearly 7 years ago and our sex is fairly normal (whatever that means) and there's never been an issue. She did fess up to having a ONS, is that the truth? Was there more, is it an emotional A too?

Part of me doesn't care right now. I know how these things work...I could ask a ton of questions. Get a ton of lies and be no better off. Worse really. I can usually tell when she's lying about this stuff.


Rightherewaiting....it's easy to draw a line in the sand. I just don't know what it represents nor which side I want to be on.

Having been through this before, and what I've never understood.. why is it the BS job to fight for the marriage. I did that last time. It nearly cost me my sanity (and my life...things were that bad).

I feel like I've got sit down and do the whole thing again. I just don't want to do it! Not because I don't love my wife. I do. But, it's just a huge task.

DD
Since your WW is obviously not going to tell you anything, I would suggest that you start doing some snooping. Put a GPS tracker on her car and maybe a voice activated recorder, maybe a keylogger on your computer and check any phone records, email accounts, etc. Start digging. You need to do this to protect yourself and then when you know what is really going on you can make a more educated decision.
Best of luck.

Do you know who the OM is?

How did WW meet the OM?

Did you do a full exposure the last time?

Has WW given you access to her phone, computer, email, texts, IM's to verify NC and know new OM's?

WW's lie, ONS, yeah she means one night at a time. WW play book, minimize the amount of the affair.

I did all that last time, and more. Heck, I even hacked the OM's email and cell phone accounts.

I guess, I wonder when is a enough- enough?

You fight for something that's important to you. After a while, you feel it was a worthwhile fight, then BAM! Same-Stuff-Different-Day.

I can't think of a good reason to continue this marriage. Can't ever trust her again. Practically speaking, can't spend all my time checking on her.

Love, I love her but...I'm not sure she loves me equally. The kids.

As much as it would crush them, I'm of the opinion kids deserve to see their parents happy, be that together or apart.

Of course, DD, you DO have to find out what is going on, and you'll have to do your own investigative work. A day or two of a PI, if it comes to that.

Once you've got the info you need, THEN you will have to decide which side of that line in the sand you're on. Nobody would blame you if you filed for D, given her repeat-offender status, if she refuses to get real this time.

Having BTDT before, you KNOW how hard it would be to work on recovery again. The terrible pain of it. The fear of trusting again. Huge, since she didn't seem to learn anything from the first go-round. Maybe impossible.

BTW, to whom have you exposed this second round of waywardness? No matter where you end up, this has to happen, for your sake, the kids' and hers.

Right Here Waiting

No don't know who OM is....I could push and find out I'm certian.

WW met OM at work. Not Cowrkers.

I Mostly did a full exposure last time. Her work, OMW. Didn't expose WW to her family.
I've got access to most of it. Not bothering to play Sherlock Holmes too much more than I already have.


LOL No joke WW's lie. One time could be 1 or 100. I know.


I'm really fixing to just can the marriage. I don't want that, but I also don't want to go through all this BS again.



Just wondering if anyone has a good reason to try yet again...

IMO, 3/4 or more of the recovery work is done by BS. The WS, oh they have to be transparent, a few half hearted attempts to meet your needs, swear and swear they won't do it again. It's the BS on the tightrope.

No haven't exposed this time. I know it step #1. Just not sure when/if I'm going to bother.

Best reason I could think of would be your kids, especially if they're young. How old are they?

And wonder why you did not expose to WW's family last time?
Might be a good idea to expose BOTH A's to them now. At least they'd know the truth, and it could help keep your kids connected to them as grandparents...unless you've got a reason NOT to?

Why didn't I expose WW to her family last time?

The reason exposing is one of the first steps is that it empowers the BS (if I recall correctly).


Anyhow, why didn't I? Because I didn't want to hurt her family. Would it have helped me in the end? Maybe, or maybe not. See part of that become the ill will that the in-laws feel for you.

As a parent you love your children unconditionally. No matter their age.
While it would have empowered me, in the case of her parents it felt vindictive. I didn't feel morally right doing it. I went round and round here, discussing it. No one ever really agreed with me.

My kids, I love them and care for them as nearly a single parent 5 or 6 days a week. I've always felt children need to see their parents happy together or apart.
And children never benifit from seeing their parents fight verbally or physically. Everyone loses.

I just don't have the fight in me for this.

I guess I'm looking for an objective POV that I'm not being too hasty. D-Day was yesterday LOL Friday 13th!

Dalton, what a horrible ordeal. I cannot imagine what you are going through. She obviously can't be faithful. The point is you don't know if she has been doing this the whole time. How could you ever trust her again. I hate it when they say it was a mistake. Like she tripped into a hotel room with her panties off and fell on to some guys member. You don't sound like you have the desire or strength to go through this again. You are absolutely right about the kids. Its better that they see you divorced then their mom making their dad a cuckold. See a lawyer. Know your rights.

DaltonDAd, how many affairs does this make? You know of 2, could there be more?

My suggestion would be to GIVE HER CHANCE to completely change her life around so that she is not placed in vulnerable situations again. For example, that might mean changing occupations and setting up a life with COMPLETE transparency.

The thing is that she is going to have to make a dramatic change to ensure this won't happen again. And if she won't do that, then you will have decide if you are ok living with a serial cheater who will cheat.

Because this is your future unless she makes a DRAMATIC CHANGE. This is not about unmet needs, DD. This is completely and totally about her SHABBY BOUNDARIES. And unless she is committed to changing that, then this is YOUR FUTURE.

Can you live like this for the rest of your life?

I remember you and I seem to remember I made you really mad. I can't remember why, though.

I would hand her a PLAN and tell her you are willing to stay in the marriage ONLY if she follows a plan of recovery that looks something like this:

excerpt from Requirements for Recovery:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

entire article

The first step would have to be the truth, of course. This is a load of crap that she told you. I suspect there are many more affairs in the woodpile, so if you decide to stay in this nightmare, I would start with a polygraph and a full airing of the truth. I would bet $100 there are lots of affairs.

I think you're right melody, based upon her job. She seems to basically be a single woman living with a family. There is nothing cementing her to them. Dalton does the chores takes care of the kids and she works late nights where there is always action. How many meetings has she had after closing time. It is probably someone she works with or a boss. It just seems like he back to square one with no hope left that she can change her ways. Like I said she is really just a single woman, who lives with a family.