Monc,
Get any sleep last night?
You don't need to call OM about anything. You don't want to call him regarding exposure at all.
But if you want to contact him, do it quickly and with a specific message in mind. That message needs to be that you love your wife and you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Then ask if he is as willing to fight for YOUR wife as you are. Tell him to leave your wife alone...
Then hang the he77 up! Do NOT debate, threaten, call him names or in any other way try to engage him. He is not your friend, has no rights in your marriage and is NOT an innocent bystander in this affair.
Exposure is NOT a negotiating tool. It is a weapon, the most effective one a BS has in his/her cache of weapons (can't believe the PC filter stops the word used to describe a selection of weapons!
). It creates stress and tension in the affair. It causes conflict between the affair partners. It brings the light of day into focus in the midst of the darkness of secrecy where affairs live and thrive.
If you think about all the silly old vampire movies and TV shows, there was one thing all the vampires feared most of all and that was being hit by the one thing that would surely kill them, sunlight. So they skulked about in the dead of night, avoiding any possibility of seeing daylight since it would kill them instantly if they were exposed to it. Of course everybody always looked for that magic bullet, silver bullet or right kind of stake to drive through their hearts and lived in fear that the vampires would get them.
Truth is like daylight to an affair. It is deadly to an affair because it is the one thing that the affair cannot tolerate, since an affair can only exist in secrecy. And everybody (95% in the latest surveys) believe an affair is wrong so when they find out someone they know is having one, they are suddenly faced with the reality that the person they care about is something they themselves detest.
When you expose an affair to those who care about the infidel, you are making those people uncomfortable. They don't like being told that their loved one is doing something so detestable. Their belief system is being challenged...
But they still know the truth and it is the truth that will destroy the affair in the long run, whether the infidel returns to the marriage or not, it is still certain death to the affair. This is because when it is no longer a secret, it can't be called by any name other than an affair. It is no longer a friendship, a relationship or a person you care about but a cheating, adulterous, unfaithful action.
Vampires feed at night because they can't survive in daylight. Affairs thrive and live in secrecy because they can't survive illuminated by reality and truth.
As a BS you have very little chance of recovering your marriage. Even if you do everything right and get another chance to work at it, you might never be able to get your marriage to a place where you and your WS can both be happy with it. You have very few weapons to use against the enemy, which is the affair (not your WS, not OM/OW) but the one thing you do have is the sunlight of exposure and truth.
Mark