vst,

Here's a post that was given to me by Starfish on my first day here. She's a VET who no longer posts here, but is respected and loved all the same. It is a post from Bramblerose, who is also no longer around but is also respected and loved. It talks about how to Plan A without being a doormat. I hope it helps you as it did me.....

not2fun



From Bramblerose

Seems to be some confusion on more than a couple of threads about doormathood and Plan A.

Steve Harley says that if you feel like a doormat in Plan A, then you are doing a good job.

Why do you feel like a doormat in a GOOD Plan A?

Because we all have a Giver and a Taker. The Giver and Taker in balance and in a healthy relationship make sure that your needs are met, and that your partner's needs are met. A balanced Giver and Taker in combination with a POJA make for a marriage that protects and fulfills needs in a way that is mutually satisfying to BOTH. There is no doormathood in a POJA, because there is mutual respect and protection. Boundaries aren't needed between the couple - the boundaries enclose the couple as a unit - making them a compatible, intimate team.

But in Plan A, our Giver has to step up to the plate and we have to put the Taker on hold.

This means having to smile, act cheerful, perform acts of love (fill ENs), and root out lovebusters - when our Taker is raging inside, wanting to scream, cry, hurt back, beg, appease - whatever it takes to get our needs met, our world fixed and to get everything rebalanced.

This is why Dr. Harley says we can't follow our instincts - our instincts get us into trouble. Our Taker wants us to withdraw, to defend, to attack, to demand, to force the situation back into control.

We have to ignore our Taker in Plan A. It means having emotions, but choosing actions that are not emotionally based, but rather rationally based.

This means that we will FEEL like a doormat. That FEELING is because of a restrained Taker. This is why Plan A is only a limited timeline and Plan B is so important...because Plan A, done well, WILL drain a lovebank - since there is no Taker standing by to plug the leaks.

It seems though, that alot of people think that Plan A means suffering through extreme abuse. It does not mean lying down and allowing the WS to actively harm the BS or the BS children. It does not mean tiptoeing around the WS trying to appease or afraid to upset the WS by taking care of basic needs (finances, health - both emotional and physical). Boundaries HAVE to go into place, because there is NO safety - you have separate, conflicting agendas as long as there is an OP. Those boundaries shouldn't come down until there is proof of safety.

I discovered along the way, during my husband's affair, that the fastest way to get other people to respect me, including my husband, was to respect MYSELF.

You see, I interpreted the biblical "Love others as you love yourself" to mean: "Love others MORE than yourself - in fact, Love Others, NOT yourself because loving yourself is SELFISH and Others won't like you and if Others don't like you then you are worthless."

I put my self worth and my self respect in the hands of "others". And I was truely a DOORMAT in the ugliest sense of the word. That's a huge fact in what ultimately destroyed our marriage.

When I learned to tune out the "Others" including my husband, and started putting in boundaries to take care of myself, I was able to start making real choices about my behavior. I was able to really plan A. Funny - I didnt' really learn how to do a fantastic Plan A until I was headed into divorce court. If that's not an example of boundaries (needed to ensure financial safety of myself and the kids) while in Plan A, I don't know what is! [Smile] But it started with mental boundaries. I learned to choose my actions rather than react to my emotions. That "Detachment with Love" gave me the ability to smile, act cheerful, nonchalant, and to get on with my life while my husband was self-destructing. I learned how to be happy, even though there was crisis galore in my life. As I learned how to do this, it became easier to do outward things - like insist on a visitation schedule, without the presence of OW, and to be ready to enforce it legally.

What I did was turn my Taker into a non-lovebusting protector. I had to learn to turn that Taker away from self-demands and judgements on my husband and to intentionally turn that taker in other directions.

I'd love to ask Steve about this some time...but I think that learning to point that Taker elsewhere, keeps it busy and keeps the lovebank from exhausting itself as quickly.

Anyway, I hope this helps, or maybe some other vetrans can hop in here with anything I've missed.

Plan A makes you FEEL like a Doormat. It doesn't mean you act like one! [Smile]

VST, stay focused on your plan for exposure.

Not, VST has been paralyzed by fear about exposure. We've just gotten her to the point of being willing to expose tomorrow or Thursday. I fear she's going to chicken out and continue to enable this affair for a long time.

Nahhhhh....she won't chicken out....I have FAITH in her....

VST,

Exposure IS key. Like I told you before, I did Plan A VERY VERY VERY WELL. My FWH will attest to that. But it was only AFTER I got my evidence and exposed them to the light of day did it turn my situation around. The affair crumbled before my very eyes.........Exposure shows the waywards the truth and reality for what it is.......

Hang in there VST.....you got a whole mess of us behind you. Stay calm and focused. If SMB and I can do it, so can you.....we've been right where you have been.....

not2fun

SMB & N2F, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I won't let you down. Everyday I'm getting stronger and more prepared. I come and read posts and see sucess stories that give me courage.

SMB I won't chicken out. I WON'T! I know this A will continue on and on and on and I won't live that way!

Someone once told me to try to have empathy for my WH and I actually do. I feel like I will be throwing him a lifeline!

Thank you all

Keep it up girl!


OOPS! This is SMB posting under tst's username by accident.

How ya holding up today?

Well just got that call from the PI that I knew I'd get. I'm visiting my parents and I knew they'd feel safe with me OOT. I'm lot calmer than I expected. I need to make those phone calls today.....just looking for some support while I get mentally and emotionally prepared.

Link to Verysadtime's thread.
I'll get caught up on your story, VST, and support you there.
There's no back story on this thread and it just doesn't make sense to start a new one.

Edited 'cause I forgot to post the link. D'oh!
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236606&page=1

Tell us what the PI had to say

Here you go

The PI saw followed them where they met up at the boat (our cruiser docked at the lake) was there for about 40 mins and then has video of her leaving and then him leaving.

I did ask the mods to link my threads. I just wanted a new urgent subject line...!

Hugs VST!!

I know you KNEW this was coming...but it still stings.

Be calm. Get prepared. Get your list.
Start making calls.

When you reach them -- ask for their love and support.

Thank you Lexxy! I'm ready to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

VST,

When you want to change the title of your thread, click on the "notify mod" button and tell them what you want it to say....they'll change it for you lickety split.....

And yes, stick to one thread. It makes it easier for everyone when you do this, especially for the VETS.......

I'll comment on the other stuff in your thread......

not2fun

((((((VST)))))))

******FYI*******

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE, I NEED TO WARN YOU.....DO NOT TELL YOU WH ABOUT THIS PLACE.....IT IS A SAFE HAVEN FOR YOU....HE IS WAYWARD AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP HIS FIX GOING RIGHT NOW, AND IF HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE WILL KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO..


not2fun

((((VST)))))

Hugs and support to you.....

It is good your are calm. It is empowering to you. In fact, when you do your exposure, it is good to REMAIN calm. It is okay to express your hurt, but in a calm manner. It will show you are the sane one in this insanity. Especially later on, if WH goes and tries to twist everything around......

And when you are no longer calm, come here. We will help you get through it. YOu are going through he77 right now. Dr. H compares this betrayal to rape. But it is good to bring it all here. I promise you......we will all help and be here for you. And the best part of that is WE HAVE ALL BEEN HERE. We understand your pain. We know the road you are walking......

Now, who are you going to expose to specifically???

Make sure you include her H. That will be very key in this. And this man DESERVES to know what is going on in his marriage.

Stay strong and stay the course,,,,,,we are all behind you....



not2fun

Thanks n2f, I'm ready. I knew this was coming and as scared as I was before, I do have a calmness now. I have a wonderful support system that I am so grateful for.

Well, off to make some calls. I'll keep you posted.

The "some calls" = exposure?
GOOD FOR YOU!!!

((((VST)))))

Of course you are scared. This infidelity stuff IS scary. But it is also scary NOT doing anything. And after this is all done, you will feel so much better and in control KNOWING that you faced that fear.......

Here's a quote for you today.....

"All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing"......

YOu my dear, ARE doing something!!!! And that is a GOOD Plan....

not2fun