Faithful, no doubt BH's make mistakes in not getting tough soon enough. But, I think you have to factor in that the strength required to do this may have been dissipated by the trauma of discovery.
I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks, and many BSs are being badly ab used in conjunction with the affair.
Can you understand that your H may have been reeling and incapacitated by the trauma?
I am very strong in most area of my life. I can face down judges and other attorneys. I can play golf under pressure. I can push myself to the extreme in working out and practicing. But, I wanted to curl up into a ball when I found out.
By the time I righted myself and took action, my XW had moved in with the OM. I did the exposure to the max and insisted I wanted us to get counseling. I supported my kids and kept going to work, trying cases and crying on breaks.
I guess I found this place too late.

Zelmo, I'm not sure if you're aware that Faithful is here as a BS, dealing with an OC from her H's second A. Her H didn't know about her A until 8 years after the fact. Forgive me if I'm wrong, FF, but didn't your H's discovery of your A come out after his second A?

I think we see that here DAILY!!!

FWIW, I happen to agree with Aphelion's perspective on this. It appears that there is a very small percentage of WW's that are salvageable as fully functioning equal marriage partners.

Even in the best cases, BH's simply have to acquire a taste for shi!t, because more often than not, they are continuing in a situation that is contradictory to their own personal Pre-A boundaries ... it just puts you in a place of being in constant conflict with yourself.

I love FogFree and remain confident in my decision to R, but that decision cost me some measure of SELF-respect that I will never be able to reclaim.

In effect, it remains a consequence of MY actions.

I am not a wayward wife, but i am a wife and a woman and it feels like to me that women in general really get "bashed" here on MB quite a lot.

Is it because "boys will be boys" kind of thinking maybe?

WHs ARE JUST AS BAD AS WWs and do a lot of the same things WWs do, but it seems the women get "bashed" far more than the men do.

Maybe it is just my take on it, but that it how it appears to me.

A BS period (not just a BH) has to take a lot of [censored] and have lost at least a small amount of their own SELF-RESPECT. It is the nature of adultery IMHO.

Could someone clarify for a newbie what LTA and VLTA means please? Thanks!

LTA=Long Term Affait

VLTA=Very Long Term Affair

Thanks, do you consider 1yr an LTA?

I do not know what would be considered either a LTA or a VLTA.

Speaking of LTA/VLTAs, which list do they fit on? My WstbxH's A is now 2 years past discovery and at least 3 years old (possible EA for an additional 2 years but it's hard to say as OW was caught in a different A in Jan 06). However, he has had no prior affairs (that I know of) and he *seemed* to have more of the characteristics of type 1. This is in contrast to OW who has all the characteristics of type II and then some. Now, I could just be fooled by WstbxH, but I am trying to objectively evaluate his behavior to the best that I can.

I also think that i would have to agree with Aph regarding "recovery". I am not sure that anyone is ever able to truly "recover" their M or personally after adultery.

If that were the case then there would be no such thing as NC FOR LIFE OR ELSE IT COULD START AGAIN.

That is drilled into everyone's head from day one on MB. So if that is the case then how can you truly ever "recover" from such a thing.

You can use the A to have a better M than you had before the A and learn things about yourself that contributed to things or need changed anyway, but i do not think you ever TRULY recover.

I would think that any A where the deceit involved has basically become a routine part of the WS's life, to the point that they don't think twice about doing it, can be considered as a LTA.

I always thought LTA/VLTA refered to the length of time the affair went on. I don't know exactly how long it has to be to qualify as VLTA, but I do recall something about affairs lasting longer than the typical 2 years were LTAs.

Some WS's are serial cheaters, don't think twice about it but never have more than ONS's or short term affairs.

Rose, you didn't give me a hard time. Some days I just can't put the words in the proper order to make my point. Too much stress, not enough sleep! You are such a blessing, I hope you know that.

Zelmo, I completely know where you are coming from. By the time my H found out the truth about my A, his 2nd OW was pregnant. I have been through multiple false recoveries and trauma from all of this myself.

Thank you, Jen! Yes, OW2 was already pregnant when he found out about my A.

Perhaps. But I don't know if that really describes what I was posting about.

I don't like "hassles". I see it as perfectly logical to skip a pleasurable experience if it involves (or could involve) a lot of hassles. For example, I love baseball. I very much enjoy being at a game. But I hate the buying tickets, the traffic, the occassional chasing someone out of your seats, the drunk heckler sitting next to you, etc. So what I see as a solution to that is to watch the game on TV. On the other hand, my FWW would view the fact that I don't want to go to the game as the problem.

I'm using this as a simple example, so no need to debate whether I am nuts. But if I were to go to an IC about this problem, they could talk till they are blue in the face and never convince me that my logic was wrong. I'd be aware that it distresses my FWW, I would have empathy for her, so I would not consider myself disordered in this respect.

I would tend to disagree. I think a BH that feels that way is probably overestimating the quality of his M prior to the A and underestimating the quality of his M after the A.


That is a shame. I would think that it would increase your self-respect. Rather than scorch the earth, as was probably your first impulse, you showed mercy and compassion. I think those are pretty respectable actions.

Hey, rprynne ... I don't think my point got through ... or maybe I'm off base ... I don't know.

Anyway, the point I was making revolved around the conflict created within a BH, who always said that they would never tolerate their W having an A, but then when faced with that very real situation, decided to break one of their own personal boundaries, including the loss of SELF-respect due to the BH not enforcing that personal boundary.

Their really are a few things that are better in our M post-A, especially the communication ... not that we didn't talk before, but some of that was lost in he said/she heard and vice versa. I give MB much credit for providing a vocabulary/language where FogFree and I can be on the same page when discussing those hard to understand/communicate relationship issues.

However, there was a "specialness" ... "exclusiveness" ... that is now lost and while some things have improved ... I would trade all of the improvements to go back to the pre-A M that we shared.

In hillbilly speak, I just don't think ... "The juice was worth the squeeze".

I don't think that was truly a real boundary for a lot of us. It was easy to say it because you never believed it was going to happen. It was inconceivable so it was easy to strut and talk tough. Then came reality. We did not train, study or prepare for this. Now if somehow this were ever to happen again.....things would be different.

It’s interesting too because there was a thread once on the “evil twin site” that talked about how sure the WW’s were that they were going to walk right out the door the day their BH discovered her adultery. Instead, just like the betrayed they admitted they generally froze up and did not know what to do.

My purpose writing these lists was to help ME explore ( for myself and anyone else who wanted to explore with me ) the thought process I go through when I think there is some assistance to offer.

My intention was never to debase any WW, nor was my intention to defend any WW.

And I decided to begin my process with the more difficult gender :MrEEk: ... the estrogen makers.