Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2256796 05/06/09 09:23 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
Well were to start? First I suspected my husband was fooling around awhile ago years on and off. I have evidence on tape, but he refuses to listen to the tapes and calls me names and says I am crazy etc... The person I suspect him cheating with is an old friend of mine that I have not seen for about twelve years.

From what I found out she visits his hockey games with other girls that are known to be hookers. So chances are she is also one.

in his hockey bag I found a cloth diaper that he seemed to have used to clean his skates with, he told me the people that cleaned his car a few weeks back left it in the car. I think its strange that they left a dirty cloth diaper in a clean car. So now I am worried he has a child with this women.


He has been really cold and distant for most of our marriage, since or last child was born, he has no interest anymore with fixing up the house or building things like he used to, and well lets just say sex for over three years is less, a lot less and it seems to be all about him in the bedroom, I feel invisible when I am with him.

What do I do?

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
The only thing I feel you should not put too much thought into is the diaper thing, they are great for detailing cars.

You need more intel. Tine to visit some hockey games, or have someone else keep an eye on thing for you. P.I., frined, yourself.

More when and if you gain current proof of an A. You need to have a plan what you will do with that info. Till then be calm, avoid acting suspicious. That will only make gaining info more difficult.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
I went to his games for the first time in eleven years what I found out later was her friends. Also have a few tapes of him talking to her just a few words asks for her by first name and then says thats what your saying now, this was after ten when I had gone to bed. Low and behold I go out every day at two and take the bus and a lady that is all dressed up, nails, hair and all is standing there when its just me and an other lady during that time. I go to face book and they have identical features.

I never said anything to him but that day he came home with flowers. He never buys flowers.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 221
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 221
Originally Posted By: lolatwo
What do I do?


l, you have lot of snooping to do. Can you install keylogger on the computers at home ? Can you hire a PD to follow your husband around ? Can you get access to his voice mail, check his messages ? Do you know this OW ?

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
Hi I made the mistake of asking him if he was having an affair and then when I had the tapes and asked him about it he would say he not listening and gets angry. Now if he is he is going to be extra careful I guess. I can check his voice mail, but he caught on to it, and does not use that phone much. Did hear a message on it saying his minutes expire Feb 25th and to top up, strange when he says its his work phone and its not a pay and talk but on contract. So maybe he has another phone?

There has been a lot of things going on in the past year, home late, receipts for an item we don't have, playing golf four times in a few months instead of once. Joining hockey again, asking if he is dressed o.k when going out, or asking me if he is too thin. Long hairs on his clothes, smelling freshly washed when he gets home, even though he works in a dirty shop. He cares how he looks going out but not with me.

Cant put a key logger on the computer its my oldest sons, and my husband never uses the computer, wish I could afford to hire a PD , and wish I could afford a car.

Me being stuck using the bus makes it very easy for him to have noon time with old friends. Yes she was an old friend we hung out she was said to have moved away when her second marriage failed eleven years ago.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: lolatwo
Well were to start? First I suspected my husband was fooling around awhile ago years on and off. I have evidence on tape, but he refuses to listen to the tapes and calls me names and says I am crazy etc...


He's in an A, and that's called GAS-LIGHTING. Look it up.


Originally Posted By: lolatwo
He has been really cold and distant for most of our marriage, since or last child was born, he has no interest anymore with fixing up the house or building things like he used to, and well lets just say sex for over three years is less, a lot less and it seems to be all about him in the bedroom, I feel invisible when I am with him.


How many children do you have? How much alone-time do you make for your H? At least 15 hours a week? I ask because I too found myself withdrawing from my FWW when she found every other thing to do with her time but spend alone-time with me. I suspect that ENs are not being met in your M, on both sides.

I suggest practicing Plan A and snoop a bit more, to find out what's really going on. Also, start putting together of list of who the A should be exposed to, if it comes to that. If you want to save your M, the A needs to be exposed to all those who can assist in ending the A.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
What is gas lighting and were do I look it up? We have three children, I am with him most of the time when he is home except when doing dishes. He likes to watch tv without being disturbed and not talker. I told my family, they did not seem shocked at all, my sister said he hit on her while I was pregnant that caused a lot of conflict and they don't talk.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: lolatwo
What is gas lighting and were do I look it up?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting


Originally Posted By: lolatwo
We have three children, I am with him most of the time when he is home except when doing dishes.


That's not what I mean by alone-time. "Alone-time" is quality time spent between you and your H ALONE, no interruptions. Going out for dinner, going to the park together, playing a 2-player game together, that sort of stuff.


Originally Posted By: lolatwo
I told my family, they did not seem shocked at all, my sister said he hit on her while I was pregnant that caused a lot of conflict and they don't talk.


So, you're suggesting that this behaviour of his may be a pattern? That might make it more difficult to recover your M, if that's what you wish to do.

Do you wish to recover your M, and if so, why?


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
Found it I will take a read when I get back, going to change the times when I go out, I hate the fact she knows more about what I am doing during the day,than what they are up to.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
He does not like time alone, and is not the romantic type, we go out once a month to dinner, my idea without the kids, and it seems like torture for him to make small talk. Its like he cant wait to get back to his spot on the sofa and watch tv.

He denied that and said she is a drug addict etc.. she was but at the time she was sober for months, I was and still am very conflicted it destroyed my relationship with my only sister.

The baby sitter also said he was overly nice and offered to bring things for her, but when she needed him to pick up our son to take him to the hospital because he was having heath problems he was rude to her and refused. I had to calm the situation down and force him to listen. We almost lost our son that day.

Your right may be gas lighting and looks like a pattern.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
Well out I go the fresh air and sunshine will do me good, thanks all will be back, its nice to get this on my chest.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
He manipulates you because he doesn't respect you. Neither do you. Time to start respecting yourself and expecting better from him.

Do you have a driver's license? Rent a car and take a day off and just follow him for a day. Or ask a friend of yours who is off at the time when he's gone from the house, to follow him and let you know where he goes.

Look at your phone records, and see what phone numbers are called, and then call them yourself, or have a friend do it. You can look up numbers on line to get name/address sometimes.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 221
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 221
Originally Posted By: catperson
Do you have a driver's license? Rent a car and take a day off and just follow him for a day. Or ask a friend of yours who is off at the time when he's gone from the house, to follow him and let you know where he goes.

Look at your phone records, and see what phone numbers are called, and then call them yourself, or have a friend do it. You can look up numbers on line to get name/address sometimes.


l, I agree with cat. I feel sorry for your situation. I know that is the last thing you want. Someone pitying you. You really need to wake up and change yourself. Dont take this crap anymore from your husband. You need to pick yourself up, read up, educate yourself and be very smart about what you want to do in the next few weeks. How can you expose him ? How can you have him followed ? Do you have friends you can depend on ? This is the time you need them. Reach out to them. If you cannot afford PD, then seek out help via other means. Dont just sit at home and take at this bulls*. You dont deserve this.

You can get lot of information about phone numbers online like cat said above. Start with that and keep building on it.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
No don't have a license, I have been tempted to take the bus and try to find a bush to hide in lol don't think that would work out to well. Your right I don't respect myself.

I have told his mother and my sister in law invited them out for dinner thats how sure I am, it was not to hurt him it was because I felt so alone, dealing with this all by myself. Inviting them out for dinner is something I had never done and he seemed a bit nervous about it. He asked why and I said girl talk. I told them they can talk to their husbands about it but not to let my husband know I had said anything. Was that a bad idea?

Almost forgot I sent her a message on face book in the morning inviting her to be my friend. That day my husband called in the afternoon saying it was really slow and he was coming home, never, never, never has he come home early because it was slow. Its always been he is soooo busy. Well lets just say she never replied to my offer of friendship.

Last edited by lolatwo; 05/06/09 03:09 PM.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking? I'm asking because I want to see the feasibility of you getting a license. Not because of this issue, but because it will go a LONG way toward you building up your self-respect. I gather that he has to take you to get groceries, stuff like that?

That is a HUGE impediment toward you feeling like an equal partner.

Think about getting a license.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
I wish I could drive but have vision problems. I buy the groceries most of the time, I go out everyday and get the meat and fresh fruit and veg. I do understand what your saying but its not an option. I rather not say where I live he has been sorta watching me read the plan A and B stuff.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Why are you afraid of him learning that you want to improve your marriage?

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
He wont see it that way Catperson, he will yell, call me all sorts of names throw a tantrum you name it he will do it. I read here that's what they do (gas lighting) and to just to ignore it. The problem he is really good at hurting me with words and right now my stress level is threw the roof and don't know how to deal with it or how much more I can take.

I do have to stay strong and just learn to ignore his rants, this place is right A thrive in darkness. I needed to bring this to light.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Go online to Amazon and buy this book. You can get it as cheap as $6. You HAVE to learn about how you are being manipulated and maybe even abused. You HAVE to learn how to get strong so that you can discuss this as equals.

Why does he get to be the one who makes the decisions? Because he yells louder? That's dumb.

Step #1. EVERY time he raises his voice at you, you turn around and leave the room. Keep your purse by the door so that you can leave and get on a bus and get away from him. EVERY TIME. This is a relatively simple and safe way to teach him that you will NOT be treated like this any more. The first time, you will have to explain why you're leaving the room. After that, just leave. He can't scream at you if you're not in the room.

BUT if you are afraid that he will hurt you if you stand up to him, call 911. Your marriage can survive him getting mad at you, but not if he beats you to death. Use 911.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
Thats a really good idea, also would give me time to clear my head during those times so I don't say something I will regret. We have serious communication problems, and I have told him just the past while that yelling at me wont make him the winner or right, just loud and obnoxious.

I don't think he would ever lay a hand on me, I was abused by an old boyfriend before I met my husband and I did not stick around to long, ran, and hid and my husband knows I would do the same. But the verbal abuse at times is sometimes harder to deal with eg.. being called stupid, retarded, mental etc.. hurts and the pain last just as long if not longer I think.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Oh, I know! My H finally realized that every time he yells, he'll get the cold shoulder from me for at least 3 or 4 days, so that is that many days without SF. His choice.

To that end...
Quote:
I have told him just the past while that yelling at me wont make him the winner or right, just loud and obnoxious.
You can elaborate on this. I think Melody Lane says it better, but basically when he does such a thing, calmly say "When you treat me like that, it moves me closer to the decision to leave you for good. It's your choice."

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
L
lolatwo Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 12
I think right now I just about had enough, him cheating, the lying, the cold distance with me and the children. For the past two weeks I have been doing what you may call plan B. I gave him my wedding ring and told him to move out if he cant behave.

We have not talked since no big deal for me he hardly spoke in the first place before this mess started. I cook, clean, shop, make lunches care for the children, do all the stuff a good wife should do. Except sleep with him or make conversation with him.

He is home on time now, I still find stuff in the car tissue with makeup on it stuffed in the door, or long hairs that are the opposite to our hair color on the seat.

I don't say a word about my finds now, just keep the items and take notes. At this point mentioning anything would set him off, and to tell you the truth even though we are not talking I am enjoying the peace it brings.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
buy a voice activated recorder from best buy and hide it in the car. be prepared to have all the evidence you need.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 16 guests, and 54 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw, lawenda
71,695 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,668
Members71,696
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5