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#2261459 05/15/09 07:08 AM
Joined: May 2009
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First of all, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Really new here but I've been reading and find comfort in everyones's willingness to help be supportive in general. I've read the book His Needs Her Needs and found it to be very informative.

So, the story is...Been engaged for about a year and half and still no date. We already have one thing going against us and that is age. I'm in my late 20's and he's in his mid 40's. This does not bother me at all but seems to be rearing it's ugly head lately. First of all, he lives for golfing and league with his friends, who BTW have all lived, meaning, they've been married, had kids and the kids are grown and gone.
I absolutely do not have a problem with him golfing but it's the enthusiasm and dedication he puts forth towards making to every leage night that just gets to me and here's why. I've asked him to go on vacation, won't do it, ask him to workout with me, won't do it, asked to do other various activities ,including counseling because of our issues, and shows little interest and I've asked him to invite or include me on golf night, won't do it now. It's funny, when we were dating he invited me out there all the time and now he won't do it. I like to golf, and be active. Not to mention the frivilous spending and consumption of alchohol every league night. (Senstive subject...parent divorced, dad was an alcholic and by the grace of God has not drank in over 20 years).

This led me to find comfort in conversation with another male whom I worked with and my fiance found out about it through answering my phone and was furious. It was only coversation. I no longer work in the same place but do think about him a lot because I know I could easily contact him. This happened about a year ago and we basically threw mud back and forth after I was busted out. I said if you would show some interest in the things that I would like to do that would help. Well, fast forward to now and it still is the same. Matter of fact about a week ago, after countless conversations about golfing and drinking, he proceeded to go out again and drink heavily. I told him it over and I wanted to be done. He basically said that I would ruin his life and F-up his future and chances of ever having a family. This really hit me hard. I told him that having kids to me won't make me any happier, great if it happens but it's not driving me to live. He said that if we were married and had kids he would be more attentive, come home earlier on golf night. I said how am I supposed to believe that when you won't do it for me now?

He came back with he won't drink, he'll make me a priority and so on and so forth. He said he was wrong about not going on a vacation to Germany that I really wanted to go on. Well, I'm to the point were I don't think it matters anymore. I understand that being married is a different level but if we are already at this point before marriage then what does that say?

I love him and want him to be happy but I honestly think that the only reason I would be staying is because I feel this need to make sure he is okay and because I know that he really wants a family. I know these are all the wrong reasons to stay but I do love him and care for him.

There's obviously a lot more to the story but this gives you a basic understanding. Feel free to share thoughts.

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I see a lot red flags. And no, life WON'T get better when you're married - it only gets worse, as far as being on best behavior.

If I were you, I would say 'we go to therapy together to reach a consensus, or I am out of the relationship.'

As a side, he is living an independent life because you have no boundaries on a healthy relationship. If he is unwilling to discuss - and honor - the protection of the relationship, he is only in it for selfish reasons. Work on reaching consensus on what is healthy for BOTH of you, and then explain - and enforce! - consequences for slipping off of that agreement.

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I totally agree with you.

I have mentioned going to counseling in the past. I've asked him to go several times and he said that he didn't want to go. I asked why. He said because he went during his first marriage (I'm not sure if I mentioned that was married before) and she (his ex) lied and made him out the bad one. I said, I understand that completely, but I am not her...I am different.

So he said now that he would be willing try it but I don't know if I am. I know I should probably for my own piece of mind.

Sidebar...so you are cat lover? Love them also, have two myself.

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lol, I have 3! Never again! Actually, I wish I had outdoor cats, but mine are declawed...

I'm a big believer in therapy. Nowadays especially. Pick someone who is marriage friendly, who teaches you guys how to talk to each other respectfully and nonjudgmentally...that's really all you need, I think. That is, unless he really just keeps you around to have someone around, but only you would know that.

Of course, if money is not an issue, why not a phone call session to one of the Harleys? Around $200, but from what I hear, you get more accomplished in one hour than in a month of regular sessions.

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Thanks for the advice. I will look into finding marriage counselor locally and will also look into the Harleys. I believe that $200 would be well worth it.

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There are too many issues to work out before marrying this man. Luckily you are not married YET. Write all the issues down and bring them to a counselor. Even if you have to start with one for just yourself.

I can name a few now and there might be others:

1. The "children" issue
2. His drinking
3. Spending too much time with his friends
4. Your relationship with the other guy
5. Your age differences, realistically. (If you have kids he will be an old man maybe in a nursing home and will want to be retired when they get to college)


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