My first car was a 1986 Dodge Caravan - absolute POS. Worst car I've ever owned, by far. You have my sympathies.

Thank you ID. Yep, worst car I've ever owned. I can't even begin to list the number of things that have gone wrong with this car. I think it needs to skip being put out to pasture and go right to being shot.

Or he just did not want to deal with it.

Is your husband mechanically inclined?

If it where me, I would just get an engine and tranny combo from the pull-a-part and swap it in.
($150 for an engine/$100 for the tranny, and about two days swap time, total)But there is nothing I cant fix on an automobile if I have the parts and the motivation to do so.

Ehhh.

It's still newer than my wifes '93 Explorer.
(Which I love by the way)


KBB rates the value @ $1,735, I have seen some decent older small SUV's go for around $2,000 in the auto trader here. You could sell to a private seller and buy an old SUV or compact car.

Old does not necessarily mean bad, especially if you can do maintenance yourself.

My H is about the least mechanically inclined person ever. There's a reason why he works in an office. I think he can change the oil, and he can put gas in a car, but that's about it.

That's been one of the big areas of contention in our M. My H just isn't inclined to fix anything. It took him 5 years to hang the curtain rod in our bedroom. My deck is falling apart and should be condemned. We went 5 years with only one functioning shower (for 6 people) before he finally agreed to call a plumber. There are holes in my walls, bathroom/kitchen cabinets with multiple missing drawers, holes in my fence, my front door won't close right when it rains and our house has already been broken into once because of it.

I'm complaining again, which makes him either a) mad or b) morose. I know I complain too much, but it's difficult to spend all day everyday alone with a baby in a house that's falling down all around you. It's depressing.

And I know he isn't good at this stuff. I get that. He's made it perfectly clear that working with his hands just isn't his thing. But I've had to learn things that weren't my thing. I didn't even know how to boil water when we got married. Now, I can cook anything. My mother didn't teach me a thing. When I first moved out, I had never washed a dish, never done a load of laundry, never even made a bed. I figured it all out. I may not be Julia Child, but I'm competent. We don't starve and we don't walk around naked and we aren't eating off the floor.

Sorry, ranting again. I think you struck a nerve Gack.

You don't walk around naked???? I thought everyone did that!

I have nothing useful to contribute at this time, just wanted to be a smarty pants.

I knew there was a reason why I liked you so much.

Me likey you too-ey

Writer,

Consider selling your care for KBB. And some of what it would cost you to repair it and then buy another used car.

As for fixing things, some people are into it and some are not.

Your H is not a bad mad for not being into fixing things. Oddly, most things built today are built to discourage fixing them. Cars for sure, houses with code and all, are now something inspectors and such don't really want you to fix. I mean the paper work along. Electrical stuff is not easy to fix and more expensive to fix than replace.

I grew up fixing things: cars, motors, radio's, TV's. Today you just cannot do it without special tools. If done my share of home remodeling and such, but today you need to pull permits and it is not worth the effort.

My point, your H is willing to work a lot harder, for longer hours and travel (which is no fun) to support you and YOUR child. He is not allergic to work, he just knows what he can and cannot do.

You could call a plumber you know, and not wait for him.

My point, you two are in a tough spot now. It is time to support each other, and face the world together.

God Bless,

JL

JL: No, I don't think my H is a bad man just because he isn't into fixing things. The dilemma in our situation is that we can't really afford to have anyone else come in and fix things for us. So, if we can't do it ourselves, it just doesn't get done. Our house is old and there are a lot of things wrong with it. I understand my H may not be able to rebuild our deck, but hanging curtain rods and repairing holes in drywall are doable. They just never seem to get done.

Here's something I've noticed, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It seems that, whenever my H is home, if I start to do something (dishes, laundry, whatever) my H thinks he has to take over for me. When he's around, he doesn't want me to do any work at all. If I start doing something, he'll say "Honey, I can do that." It isn't that I don't appreciate the help. It's just, I would rather he do something else that needs doing (like working on one of the many repairs) while I'm doing whatever it is that I started doing. I am perfectly capable, but it doesn't seem like he thinks that I am.

And yes, I am grateful for the hours that my H works to support our family. Of course, he isn't just supporting me and our OC. We still have COM at home that he's supporting as well. But I am grateful for that.

As far as the plumber goes, I did call. I always set up our appointments, since I'm the one who will be home when the repair person comes. The problem was getting my H to okay me calling the plumber. I don't usually incur huge expenses without consulting with him first. It just seemed like there was always some reason why we had to wait, which doesn't make much sense, since we were doing much better financially during most of the time that we needed the repair than we were when he finally okayed it.

I know we need to support each other. I want to feel like we're a team, but much of the time, it doesn't feel that way. It seems like we spend way too much time butting heads and arguing about stupid things.

I'm beginning to see some of the same patterns returning that were present in our M before my A. It seems like things got better for awhile, but now they're just going back to how they were before. I want to stop it, and my H says he does too, but maybe we just don't know how. Good intentions don't seem to be enough.

Writer1,





Don't you find those two quotes fascinating??? I do.

You want him to help YOUR way, but you resent him helping you HIS way.

He isn't trying to prove you incompetent, he is trying to help you because he feels he failed and is failing in other ways and it cost him a lot...almost his marriage.

In case you haven't figured it out, your H doesn't come across as a very secure man right now. Let me think...

1. Not bringing enough money to support his family.

2. House falling down around his family.

3. Old clunker that he cannot afford to repair, his W's car at that.

4. You had an affair.

The list goes on. You ever thought that he is struggling...with himself and how he sees himself???

You might want to consider it.

You also might want to really consider the irony of those two quotes.

You might also consider working with him, not sending him off to do a job, that you probably won't approve of if he doesn't do it to your specifications.

My thought??? You and he need to work together on projects, interact as do, and then he won't feel like his likely to fail again in your eyes.

I might be wrong, but I am guessing but he would rather be with you, than doing something away from you. He does that all day.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your thoughts JL. I'll have to give them some consideration, but I do appreciate the input.

Please do, but understand they were not meant as an attack on you. Just thoughts from a 3rd person observer. I hope they help, and perhaps lead to a dialogue between you and your H, that leads to more things getting done around your house.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry, I certainly did not mean to.



Here is a really crazy idea, that may actually work.

You start one of the simpler, smaller repairs, see if he tries to help.


He is, I guarantee it.
I know I am and all I have right now is #4
But I have had 1, 2 and 3 in the past.

Words of wisdom from JL.


But I may be picking up on a little something from Writer about her H.

Would you say he lacks initiative/motivation?
What I am asking is, does he have time to do these things, or is there always something else that needs his attention at that moment so he puts repairs off.

Another thing JL brought up that hits home.
My wife is extremely critical about how I do something, wile I am doing it. So I do not do many projects with her, Because if she is there, and she knows anything about it (Like painting a wall) she will criticize my technique. So on projects like painting, I will put them off until she is either busy doing something else, or not home. When she sees the finished result, she is always pleased. It's that I don't do it the way SHE would do it that bothers her, not the final result.

(On things she knows nothing about, like electrical or Automotive work, we do not have this problem)

Do you do this?

Writer, my husband and I had this exact same dynamic. At first I would just give him the job I had started and walk away. Not good. Later in our marriage I would tell him "get your own job!" Not good.

When we finally started talking about things (instead of assuming we knew what the other was thinking!) it came out that he felt guilty that I was doing chores while he didn't. I pointed out I didn't have a problem with that--I handle my schedule so I am not "pushed" for time. The problem was my assumption that his taking over the chore was a criticism. It wasn't.

But I still saw no point in us both doing the same task. And that is where--ta da! POJA and teamwork came in.

Before MB, my husband and I were so horrible at working together. One day, we tried to move a turkey from one pan to another across the kitchen and we couldn't even do that without arguing how to do it! That was our first clue something was really wrong.

The solution has been to focus on learning to work together--with no lovebusting.

For example, we had the same problem with my H not being able to keep up with the house repairs. At the same time, I wanted to know more about how to fix things myself.

So now let's say we notice a leaky pipe. We sit down and write a list of exactly how we are going to fix it. We discuss how it will go. "First I'll turn the power off, then you go in and drain the tank. . . " So we pretty much know who will do what going in. I feel like a competent partner. He no longer has total burden of figuring out how to do what.

Repairs have been transformed from a source of conflict into a marital exercise. I am learning about how to do house repairs and it has taken a big load off H's shoulders. He is really good at fixing things and I am really good at organizing tasks--an ideal situation once we learned how to work together.

It's true your husband is not handy. Mine wasn't either when we first were married.

But a hammer doesn't care if you're an innie or an outie. And there's a lot of resources on the Internet that can help you learn how to do these things. Start out small and remember the focus is on fixing your marriage as well as your house!

Some sentences you just know will stay with you for the rest of your life and - one day - transform you....

"A hammer doesn't care of you're an innie or an outie." LOLOLOLOL

I just had this image of an "outie" trying to hammer their belly button back in.

Nano,

Excellent advice and exactly what I was driving at. Home repair is a lot more fun if you do it with someone. More satisfying as well.

Writer1, is it possible that your H is depressed. Some of your descriptions are of a man function while in deep depression. I could see why couldn't you? A lot of stress has occured in the past few years.

Just thoughts.

Hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

Still thinking.

I asked my H why he thought he felt the need to take over whatever job I was doing, and like Nano said, he said it's because he feels guilty because I'm doing something and he feels like he isn't really doing much or contributing enough. It's strange, because I actually think my H helps out a lot with the day to day stuff and I try to express my appreciation about that to him.

I think I'm only critical in the way that my H does things in one area, and that's cooking. I admit it, I'm a cooking control freak. I love to cook and I'm very good at it. My H's idea of cooking is pretty much opening 5 or 6 cans of whatever he can find in the cupboard, dumping them all in a pot together, and calling it soup. I'm really picky about what I put into my body, so that just doesn't cut it for me. He's a great sous chef, but we eat much better (and much healthier) when I'm in charge of the cooking, and that's important to me.

All other household chores, I could care less how they get done, as long as they get done. And when it comes to stuff I don't know anything about (like fixing stuff) I stay out of it altogether. I wouldn't mind learning how to fix things. I didn't have a dad or brothers or any male influence in my life growing up, so I never learned that stuff. My H's father is a carpenter and jack-of-all trades, so he definitely had the opportunity, just not the desire I guess. I'm not opposed to learning together though.

I don't think my H lacks initiative/motivation so much. I think he lacks knowledge. He's pretty good at getting things done if he knows how to do them. He just doesn't know how to do much when it comes to repairs and such.

Thanks everyone for chiming in. My H and I are talking about this stuff now, and I think that's a good first step.

I think we crossed paths posting JL.

I don't think my H is depressed. I know he isn't happy about how certain things are going in his life, mostly career-wise and financially. But he's a pretty upbeat kind of guy, in general. He's always taken a glass half-full approach to life.

I think I struggle with depression. I'm beginning to realize that my mother may have had a depression problem for most of her life. When I was growing up, she was either at work or asleep most of the time. She's always been very angry and sullen. She lashes out verbally at people on a regular basis, but she doesn't seem to notice that she's doing it. I've seen these tendencies in myself as well, but the difference is, I recognize them and I fight every day not to give into them. It scares me sometimes when I get angry or frustrated and I say things that sound like something my mother would say. I hate it. I don't know if it's an inherited depression-type thing, or if it's more just the fact that I was raised by her and learned this way of coping from her. But I don't like it when I see it.

I now have #1 back on my list.
I was just told that I have been reduced to a 32hr work week due to a projected loss of billable work.

Can he follow precise directions?

I ask this because my experience in automotive repair has lead me to believe there are three type of mechanics. Those that are "trained" those with "natural ability" and those with some amount of both. This pretty much seems to be true with any skill, including home repair.

However, even those with no training, and no natural ability can do extensive repairs if they are able to follow step by step instructions.

I know they use to sell a series of books that tough step by step instructions on how to do home repair/improvement, from unclogging a sink, all the way to building a deck. I bet you could find the same kinda thing for free on the Internet. Maybe you could both then do it together, it may even qualify as quality time.

Gack, sorry about the cut in hours. These icons make me laugh.

I keep hearing that the economy is supposed to be getting better. I never actually see it, but I do keep hearing it. Maybe we'll start to see some improvements soon.