I'm sorry Ima but it is completely inappropriate and WRONG for the xOW to tell the BXW and the COM about the OC. In this sit especially since writer and her H have chosen to raise OC as their own daughter. OC's sibs are the ones she is being raised with. xMM's COM may find out later in life but it is their FATHER's responsibility to tell or not.

I don't think it is my responsibility to tell xOM's BXW or kids about the baby. Do I think he should have told them? Yes. But, that's his business, and if my OC chooses to look for her half-sisters someday and they find out that way, then he's the one who is going to have to deal with the repercussions of having lied to his children for all those years.

I'm just really trying to focus on my family and on putting our lives back together. Our OC is loved very much by both of her parents, her siblings, her grandparents, etc. That is a whole lot more than my mother was ever able to give me, and I'm hoping that it will be enough for her. When the time comes, my H and I will tell her the truth together, but that is still many years in the future. Right now, she has everything she needs.

OK.
Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
IMO, we on MB are all about telling the OM's W about the A if the OM doesn't own up to it. That's a consequence of his actions.
Well, that baby is another consequence of his actions. As a FBW, I feel I should have the right to know if there is an OC, even if my XWH didn't tell me. I guess you could argue that it would then be up to the BxW to decide if she wanted to tell her children about their half-sib.
I think you're letting the OM off the hook, just to keep the peace.
But I can see we won't agree on this one since we all are coming from different sides of the scene. I'm all about empowering the betrayed spouse to make decisions, not deciding for her, to spare her feelings.

The xBW DOES know about the adultry...just not about the OC.

She's already d'd the POSxMM.

Writer - you're doing the best things you can for YOUR family, imo.

Thanks Dealan-de. I think so too.

OM's XBW knew about the A. A started in July 07, they D'd in Feb. 08 and OC was born in Sept. 08. OM is now living with/engaged to someone else. His new fiance also doesn't know about the OC. Her first M ended because of an A and OM knew if he told her about his A, she wouldn't want to marry him. Do I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's getting herself into? Yes. But, OM is staying out of OC's life so no one will have to find out what he has done, and that benefits my family, so I'm letting it go. It may seem like blackmail, but I don't think it is. He's never made any threats that he would make things difficult for us if I told anyone in his family. It just seems logical to me that he wouldn't have much of a reason to stay out of OC's life if his family knew about her. Is he getting off the hook? I don't think so. He has to live with his own conscience and with the fear that his secret may eventually get out and completely destroy the deceptive, insulated little world that he is creating for himself. That's a terrible burden to shoulder, IMO.

You obviously have not personally dealt with the blow of knowing your H had a baby with the OW. This is something I would NOT want to know if it:

A. Was moot point for me personally cuz I divorced him
B. Was not going to affect my financial support from him
C. He has no legal or physical right to the child because the OWH is raising the child as his own.

I can tell you Ima that the OC sit is far worse than the A itself. KNOWING your H gave his seed to another woman is excruciating.

FF-
Actually it is exactly why I feel so strongly about this.
I know my H does not have a vasectomy and that he had unprotected sex with the OW. For months, nay, almost a year, after the A was over, I constantly worried about the phone call that there was an OC.
And YES, YES, YES. If H and I divorce and I find out later that there was an OC, I will think that it was COMPLETELY UNFAIR to leave me out of the equation.
My children would be blood relatives of that OC and I would like to be the one to decide if/when they are told. NOT the people raising the OC.
So, take it from the side of someone who was waiting for the shoe to drop, I would feel incredibly disrespected.
Let's look at it this way:
Let's say my H was writer's OM. Let's say he impregnated her and abandoned her, then divorced me. Then he told writer that she couldn't tell me because if she did, he would make a stink.
That OC is a TICKING TIMEBOMB to my children's perception of reality. Someday, that OC holds all the cards as to whether to rock their world.
You guys who are raising OCs should be commended, yes. But if you don't let the BxW know that HER children will one day (most likely) be faced with the reality that they have a half-sib, you have not done the heavy lifting, IMO.
Again, that's my opinion. You are certainly entitled to yours. I just wanted you to see that not all BxW's might see it the way you do.

The way I see it, that's one of the problems with this particular part of the forum. It's a VERY homogeneous group of people here. Almost every one either is a BS facing an OC or a WS with an OC. But you all KNOW about the OC.
The rest of us BS's on the regular threads live in fear that there is an OC out there, but may never know until our kids get a call in their teenage years (which, to me, totally sux).
But you guys can reinforce each other because you're not getting the feedback of those of us who don't know if we have an OC in the equation.
The whole reason I read here is because I still live in fear that there is an OC. My FWH and the OW went NC so what do I know? To me, it seems like the OW, even if she reforms, as writer has, still holds all the cards and the power in the relationship.
Can't you see what I mean?

>I will think that it was COMPLETELY UNFAIR

What about this situation is fair?

There is NO fair in this.

Once the deed is done, *fair* is not part of the equation...there is only damage control.

Ima, if I as the BW was still M'd...YES I would want to know but NOT be told by the OW. Do you see where we are coming from here? the OW has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO CONTACT ME OR MY COM!!!!!!!! I do not want to hear from her. It is the FWH or the WXH's job to tell the BW, not the OW!!!!

Well, FF, if you were to use that logic, why do we encourage the BH's and BW's to tell the OP's betrayed spouse that there was an affair at all? After all, it should be the OP's responsibility, right? NO. OPs have no morals. OPs have no scruples.
If my H's OW was married, and the OW and her husband were raising my children's half-sib, I feel, as a mother, that I have the right to know, so that *I* can break it to the children, not the POS-WH or the OW's family.
Again, I'm going to come back to where I, as a BW, feel the OW still holds all the cards if she's raising my children's half-sib and not letting me know that SOMEDAY my children's phone is going to ring.
I'm not saying that, in this case, writer should tell the BxW. Maybe writer's H should. But I think this poor woman is walking around, raising her children, not knowing that five, ten, twenty years down the road, she's going to get slapped with another consequence of her then-H's affair.
I understand your desire to not involve the OW and the WH. But doesn't the BxW in writer's situation deserve to know? Her POS-WxH isn't going to tell her. And ***writer*** was part and parcel to this affair and child, so I feel there is some responsibility there.
I guess we're too far apart on this to see it through each other's eyes. Sorry.

On another thread in the recovery forum, there's a discussion about an apology letter from the OW to the BW. To me, honestly owning up to the fact that two years ago, I was sleeping with your husband and we created a half-sibling to your children as a result, is the apology I deserve. Don't care how sorry you are. I just want the facts.

Ima: I actually can see both sides to this. However, I obviously can't go both ways. I had to make decision. I chose what I thought was best for my family.

Understood, writer.
And ladies, I agree with you on 99% of your posts, so this is that one out of 100 where our different backgrounds gives us a different perspective.
(Still cross my fingers every day and hope that little tramp OW in my life didn't get knocked up!)

You know I find that statement untrue and unfair. It takes a lot of courage for people in our situations to even post on MB. Why? Because our situtation seems to scare people so badly that we get judged pretty harshly.

We get posters like JL, The Road, Pep, Nerlycrzy and others that are GREAT at giving advice in these situations and they have not experienced in dealing with an OC.

>judged

No doubt.

And you know what?

I was ALONE in the world till I found MB.

A

L

O

N

E


Nearly everyone knows about infidelity...but really...how many people do you know IRL that are open about an OC?

I knew NO ONE.

I'm so, so, so sorry to TJ Writer.

Rant off.

You guys must have missed the part where I said I had a lot of respect for the strength it takes to do what you're doing. I'm not judging anyone. Just sharing how ***I*** would feel if I found out there was an OC and no one told me.
I understand everyone has reasons for keeping the secret, and some are certainly better than others.
In NO WAY was I saying raising an OC was wrong. It's an incredible sign of love and strength. I know I couldn't do it.
THAT is why I'm so worried about a possible OC out there for me...
Was not my intention to make you feel judged though...

Ok
If that is the case, and you are only doing this for you OC and your BS is 100% ok with it, then fair enough.
But set a time limit on gathering this information, once the time limit passes; stop trying to retrive any info from POSOM and go to complete N.C. for life.

I have only seen a few doctors in my adult life and I just leave these areas blank. I could not tell you, or a doctor what either of my parents blood type is (I don't even know my own off the top of my head) or any family illneses other than both my parents had cancer.

The probability of requireng this information in order to properly diagnose and/or treat an illness is so remote that it does not justify breaking NC untill such a situation arises.

If I came home and my wife told me she wanted to contact OM to get his medical records just in case OC had to have it one day. Well, lets just say I would not be Ok with that.

Negative, I was raised by both my Biological parents untill there divorce when I was 18. However, at that time I did find out that my Dad had an OC that was less than a year younger than me. I do not, nor hav I ever had any desire to know anything about this Half-Brother, or meet him. He is an unimportant footnote in my life.


Yes
She is the product of her mothers affair, and was raised by her mother and her Non-BIO father.

She has repeated the cycle her mother started

Up untill her preganancy with OC she had no interest in knowing anyting about her genetic donor. She tried to claim interest in wanting to know about this human during her pregnancy, but this was just a lie to try and justify continuing contact with OM "For the Baby". As her fog cleared, she returned to having no interest in finding out about this human.



My father never tought me anything about myself. He tought me how to drive, how to use a chainsaw, how to weld, and things like that. He did not teach me who I am.


I was not sugesting you could. I was sugesting you don't need him to know who you are.

Gack1: Like I said, everyone is different. I got a chance to meet my half-sister when I was 24. Up until that point, I never had a sibling that I knew. It meant a great deal to me to meet her. I have two half-brothers whom I still haven't met. They don't even know I exist. This bothered me a great deal when I was younger, not so much now. I very much wanted to get to know my father when I was younger. I'm kind of over that now too. But it took a long time for me to get to this place, and for many years, I felt as though there was something missing in my life. My kids have expressed a desire to meet my father, their grandfather. They probably won't ever get that chance. I don't even have any pictures of him to show them. They've asked a few questions, but I really can't answer them.

Oh, and medical information can be very important in the diagnosis of many diseases. I used to be a nurse, so I do have a background in the medical field.

I did not say it could not be, I said it was rare that it was a requerment.

For example, name 10 common diseases that are impossable to diagnose with out the fathers medical information.

Risk verses reward
For me, the risk of contacting OM is not worth the small posability of actually requiring the information later.

Besides, I collected enough information on OM during the A that I am confident I could locate him or his parents in a matter of hours or minutes should a life and death situation for OC that required any medical history arise.

But as you said, to each there own.