is your w truely remorseful about her actions or just making noise because she feels trapped?

you mentioned the unique ethninicity of your w and om along with his wanting to preserve the race. what is your w's view on this? is it something that may cause her to seek continued C with om?

your w's "bf" working with om and relaying messages is not a friend at all if your w truely wants to repair your M.

a visit to a good family law attorney to find out what your legal rights are for your state should be high on your priority list

with the economic environment of today i would suggest against giving up any job. expecially a secure one as yours seems to be.

also if your w was unhappy with the amount of quality time because of your work hours how much would she have should you return to the service and be deployed? not a well thought out suggestion imho.

dude i hear what you are saying about feeling the household work load does not seem equal. i also hear you saying that you are not hearing your w's complaints about the m.

sounds like some sound marital counseling is in order. if you can't afford on ethen see if you can get help thru your church.

i get your confusion about cutting your loses. but let's make this perfectly clear. staying and rebuilding this M will not be easy. if you want easy...........cut and run

I think that the problem is that with so much other difficult stuff in life i always thought that marriage or being with someone you love would be the easy part. I always thought that after dealing with the stress of the world you are so suppose to be able to come home and be at peace and escape the trials and tribulations of the day, but lately it seems like i would rather be at work. I just want peace it seems she is never happy either we are arguing and fighting or she is whining and complaining.

On top of everything else we are on different pages when it comes to raising the kids and that frustrates me and causes conflict. But you are right it's not going to be easy to rebuild, i guess just with everything else in life being so hard i am just wanting to take the easy way out.

IMO, this isn't a remotely realistic view of M. M's, all of them, take work, and a lot of it. I know that fairy tales have a lot princes and princesses riding off into the sunset on the back of a white horse to live "happily ever after," but I'm afraid that's about the only place where that happens. Maybe your problem is that you don't have a particularly realistic idea of what M is all about.

I do and understand what you are saying about marriages taking work but should i feel like i'm carrying dead weight or that my other half who is suppose to be my Partner is against me and it's like we are not on the same team.

After reading your response it makes me wonder if, being with someone is so hard what is the point, I understand there will be differences of opinion and I'm not even looking for the happily ever after i'm just looking to be content and to feel like the person i chose to spend the rest of my life with is on my side, I want to feel like it is Us VS. the world not me Vs her Vs the world.

NNE,
You repeatedly say how different you and WW are and how your whole M has been a struggle. How old are you and WW? I agree with previous comment that both of you need MC. You both have very different perspectives on what it takes to make a M. And the condition of your M over the years has caused a lot of damage. You both have not met each other's needs. You both have become resentful and emotionally detached. I don't think either one of you are equipped to make any decisions about your M. You need to get through all the damage you both caused in order to understand if there is any hope for a relationship and a M. I found MC through my church. Harley offers phone consultations (the info is on this site somewhere.) The problem NNE is that if you don't face this conflict now, you're bound to have problems with your next relationship too.

Gg

I agree and we have discussed marriage counseling but like i have said we are so finacially strapped with everything now that we can not afford it. We completed a little bit of counseling after my A but that was because i was in the Army and it was paid for and we have both know that we need it.

I am 25 but i consider myself to be pretty mature for my age and you are right i guess i have these expectations in my mind of how i think a marriage should be or at least how i want mine to be. In my mind i don't think that i am asking for much just little simple things or at least i think they are, but i guess i could be wrong.

i want to thank you for serving our country.

now, neither you or your w have put much effort into your M for some time now. both your love banks are open. my suggestion is that you BOTH read "His Needs/Her Needs" and talk about whether you each feel it is possible to meet each others EN's.

Absolutely Pops!!

Your and your wife's love banks sound like they are on zero. One of the best ways to fill them up is to do as Dr. Harley suggests and spend 15 hours together per week, doing things together, like when you dated. Interacting, little surprise notes expressing good things to and about each other. I was the BS, my FWH started leaving short love notes with my favorite candy in my car at work. Sometimes a stuffed animal, sometimes just a note showing he thought about me and stopped by. He wanted to save our M. You can't sit on your justification that you didn't leave to fix it all. It frequently falls to the BS to force the recovery to move along. Your WW is pregnant, guilty, and you haven't changed any of the things she was missing when she went looking for affection elsewhere. You are never home, you are tired when you get there. (Not criticizing, just looking)
If you want things to change, you have to change them. The good news is that you may then see reciprocal changes in WW as you make changes that create Love Bank deposits for her
Start reading

Wise words from Fledthestate.

Have to tried them out yet?

Ned,

You remind me so much of myself early in my marriage. Do not keep taking all of the load and let her gradually become a selfish spoiled child. I did that. It is the only thing I really regret from my marriage is that my xWW became such a child that she still acts that way today.

I haven't tried them but i will start and you guys are right and we both know it we have talked about date night but it's hard because we do not really have any friends or family to watch the kids and so we have to pay a babysitter plus the expense of going out and it seems that everytime we go out we get in a argument because she thinks i'm looking at someone or I get irritated by her driving it's always something and it ends up being a bad night.

Oh yeah i forgot to mention that OM showed up at kids daycare wanting to talk to her she told me to just drive off because she didn't want us to get into a confrontation in front of the kids school, He is saying that he wants to be in the childs life and he wants to be at the hospital when the child is born. I was pretty pissed but was able to maintain my composure I told her to contact him and tell him he was not going to be in the delivery room and he is to not contact her again and when the baby is born we will have a paternity test done and if the child is indeed his then we will deal with visitations or whatever at that point. He wasn't happy but i think he got the point but we will see what happens

r your kids in daycare? if so maybe you can work a deal with one of teh other daycare moms to trade off babysitting.

if not be inventive. get the kids in bed early, rent a special movie and pick up some chinese food. then snuggle up by a fire (if you have a fireplace) and have an in home date

my w used to get ticked cause she said i was always looking at someone also. YOU have to make a concentrated effort to keep your eyes forward whether she is right or not.

funny you should mention your w's driving. my w has never had/been in an accident and had only 1 ticket (in 1976) in 40 years behind the wheel. true. but we have talked and i have told her she is an aggressive driver. which she adamantly denies.

then last week we were going somewhere with our 14 yo dd and dd says out of the blue, and i quote "mom you're an angry driver". i almost fell out the door but kept my mouth shut.

what i do is sit down, buckle up and take a nap until we reach our destination.

about om showing up and telling what he wants. i think he's lucky you didn't beat his head in with a bat. did that dips#!t ever think that what you wanted was for him not to bang your w?

all the more reason to GET A CONSULTATION WITH A LAWYER

DO IT

I see alot of my relationship in you, everything you have said i am going through. My W is the same way she is a very aggressive driver but she has only had one speeding ticket and has been driving for about 10 years. The issue of looking at people cannot be fixed it doesn't matter what i look at i still get accused and i tell her even when i do look at people of the opposite sex i see them the same way as i see people of the same sex i mean it's not like i am undressing them with my eyes or anything, i'm just being aware of my surroundings.

My W and i did actually rent a movie the other day and i have changed my schedule at work to where i am not working as late but that also means i am not able to put in as many hours so it will probably affect us financially in the long run but i just about give up trying to make it financially because i can not do it alone and i feel as if she is working against me. I have started to make plans for us to go out to eat or do something together on my next day off while the kids are still in school, we may go to the movies or maybe just out to lunch.

About the OM you are right he is extremely lucky he didn''t get his A$$ handed to him cuz i was pretty furious the only thing that has kept me cool is not wanting to do anything to cause me to lose my job and mess up my record. OM is already a felon so i don't think it really matters to him he is stuck with a bad job and is probably not going very far in life anyway.

I have seen that happening in my life over the years and the most childish thing that i have noticed is that when my W doesn't get her way she throws a tantrum like a child in there terrible twos but on an adult size scale. Each time she does it i know i should handle it the way you would a child and ignore it but i end up giving in everytime because of not wanting to deal with the drama. I remember one time i said i was leaving and she said no and ended up slashing all 4 tires on my truck so i couldn't leave. which pissed me off because then not only could i not leave but we also had to take money that we didn't have and go buy 4 new tires. why, all because she was not getting her way

OM man keeps breaking NC with my WW what should i do now i am hesitant to contact him myself out of fear of losing my cool and doing something i might regret later. I don't think i have the strength for this our trust levels are below zero everytime her phone rings, or when i go work or whenever she leaves the house i question what she tells me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

The other thing is i don't know if it is obvious that i am having problems at home or if it is just the fact that i never paid attention to them before but it seems like since things have gone south at home i have had several woman trying to get my attention. I am not interested in any of them but i find myself talking to them more than i would have in the past.

NNOH

Get WW a new cell number, block OM from all phones, get new emails and block emails from OM.

And, a very important "and" Seek out a lawyer, being WW is pregnant, to run it by the lawyer first, to get a RO against the OM.

Just had a convorsation with my wife and she told me that she wants to keep OM involved she doesn't think that we should carry all the financial burden ourself and that the OM will create alot of drama if he is excluded from childs life. She has had a child taken away from her from a previous relationship and she claims that she knows what it feels like to have a child in the world and not be able to see it and she doesn't want to put anyone thru the pain that she has felt. This being the case i do not know if I want to put up with it I believe we could make it and i am willing to raise this child as my own but i do not know i if i want to have to deal with him being in the picture. This whole thing makes me want to just say F*** it and leave but i keep thinking about my to little ones that are so innocent and i think in a world with so much drama and chaos that i want to provide them a safe and stable home enviroment but i don't see that happening either way. I'm just a little stressed and i feel it is taking a toll on me physically and mentally. God Bless the creators of this site because if i didn't have this outlet then there is no telling where i would be right now.

NNED,

Have you seen a lawyer?? If not do so. You may not want to have a paternity test taken. If you don't OM cannot claim the child is his. IN many states he cannot force a paternity test. You need to also speak to attorney about your chances of getting custody.

Some think they can handle OM and H at the same time as children but very few are successful. Pop's was, but the person whose story you should read is Writer1's. She finally found out how much contact was costing her marriage.

Get good advice, protect yourself, and your children and have a heart to heart with your W about how you feel. If you are willing to rear this child, OM should be OUT of the picture. If she is so worried about OM, then you have to question her dedication to you even more than you are doing.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL