"Just had a convorsation with my wife and she told me that she wants to keep OM involved she doesn't think that we should carry all the financial burden ourself and that the OM will create alot of drama if he is excluded from childs life."

This is bad keeping OM in your lives. Tell WW no way.

As to "pops"

He said at first financial considerations pushed him to go after OM for CS. Which then pushed OM to go for and get partial custody.

Years later he has said that for him and his WW having ongoing contact with the OM was not worth the money.

"""""""""He said at first financial considerations pushed him to go after OM for CS. Which then pushed OM to go for and get partial custody.

Years later he has said that for him and his WW having ongoing contact with the OM was not worth the money"""""""""


true on many fronts. although i do see the benefits of children knowing the bio father and having a relationship with them. in these situations i now feel it best to keep him away if possible.

this is not because of anger or resentment on my part but because it has been so stressful on FH.

her om has taken her to court 17 x's in the last 6 yrs. now he isn't paying his cs and the cs services told her he lied about his place of employment so they can't find his employer to garnish his cs payments.

in general he is a pain in the a$$

your om seems like he will be much like FH's if given 1/2 a chance.

it would definately raise RED flags if my w was so concerned about om's feelings. my gut tells me this is just her way of keeping contact with him

you have heard it from several here and i will say it again

SEE AN ATTORNEY find out what the laws are for your state.

if YOU are not going to do the leg work to protect yourself then it may be better to cut and run. BUT you still need to SEE AN ATTORNEY so you can get all the facts about gaining custody of YOUR littles

So here's the deal about three days ago my wife say's the OM followed her and they got in to a big argument about the baby and her not wanting to be with him and whatever else so she leaves and says she goes home and dwells on everything then decides to go up to his house and confront him about stalking her, calling her and sending text messages all the time. when she goes to his house she said they got in to another argument and the he throws her down on the ground and she slaps him he throws some kind of yard statue at him and she slashes the tires on a car in the driveway she tries to leave and tells him she is going to call police and put him in jail so he grabs his phone and calls the police and turns it around on her. so this is her side of the story. Later that night i was able to get his phone number and i talked to him and he tells me his side of the story which goes like this. He tells me that they have been messing around for about 4-5 months atleast 2-3 times a week and he said she had been telling him that we were splitting up and that she didn't love me anymore. he admitted to following us around but he said that was because she was telling him that we were unhappy so he would pop up places we would be and then send her messages saying that we did not look unhappy. When i questioned him about the day that all that occured he told me he never followed her he said he was at home sleep and she called him several times and he did not answer he say she showed up a his house and sent him a text saying she was outside and as not going to leave until he came out (he showed me this text in his phone) he claims he came out and told her they were over he moved on because she was telling him one thing but doing another he then claims that she slaps him and tells him he will not every see this baby and tries to go in to the house to see who he was there with, when he would not let her in she then goes down to the driveway picks up the yard ornament starts hitting his new girlfriends car and slashes the tire he said he went to go call the police and she tried to jump in the car and leave and he tried to stop her. that is his side.

My wife calls me at work and tells me what had happened so i leave work and go down to the magistrates office to take out warrants for him hitting her when we get there they say we hae to talk to the officer first and so we go down the street to the police station they contact the officer and she tells us to meet her back at the magistrates office. when we get there the officer, OM and his new GF are already there taking out warrants on my wife. After finishing up with the officer he proceeds to leave and comes back and approaches me and tells me that my wife has been lying to me and i was like prove it and he starts telling me about things that i had suspected already that she had told me something different we ended up getting into a argument and the officer broke it up and made him leave. My wife ended up getting arrested because he took out the warrants first but she was able to sighn right out. After that she wanted to go the hospital because he had threw her down and she said she was having some pain in her stomach, while in the hospital i was ablr to get his phone number out of her phone and i called him and i asked him how long they had been messing around he told me he also told me that she would tell me that she was taking one of the girls in the class home to buy some time and they would me up at the park. he told me that she had his number listed under the girl which she said she had gotten close to during the class so they could talk and text and i would think she was actually talking to her. he told me that the girl that she claims to have meet in the class and gotten so close to was never even in the class but was actually a long time friend of his, then he said if i didn't believe any of this that i could call her and talk to her which i did and she told me about times that my wife meet up with him at her house and would bring him a plate of dinner that she could at our house that she would claim to be taking to the female friend. She also told me that she had taken three pregnancy test at her house a couple of days before ever telling me. when she told me that she never knew she was pregnant which i did not believe i think that her becoming pregnant is what forced her to tell me about the affair.

my biggest dilema is that i feel like i am being decieved when i confronted my wife with some of the information she told me they were all lies and that he is just saying this stuff to get us to split up and i believe that could be true but there is just so much stuff that is just not adding up to me and i don't know who to believe or what to do. If it was truly a drunken one night stand i could accept it and could work on getting passed it, I was even willing to stay and work it out and raise this OC as my own but now after hearing some of this it has raised alot of questions and i don't believe i can get passed it if she had a connection and actually was contemplating being with him and then later realized that she was making a mistake. I can not get over this knowing that while i was out working 2 jobs 15 hour days so that she can go to school she was somewhere laid up with another man.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I seriously doubt that this was only a one-night stand. The fact that her story doesn't add up proves that.

That being said, many M's on here have been recovered that went far beyond a one night stand. It can be done, but R will never happen while your WW is still seeing the OM. If NC hasn't occurred, it's pretty difficult to move forward. It seem like this A is still ongoing, at least on your WW's part. She still seems to have feelings for the OM, and she's angry because he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. The OC was probably her attempt to keep OM in her life, and it doesn't seem to be working, so she's getting desperate.

I hope she comes to her senses soon. She seems to be putting herself and the baby into some very unsafe circumstances.

""""he throws her down on the ground and she slaps him he throws some kind of yard statue at him and she slashes the tires on a car in the driveway """"""

""""""""he then claims that she slaps him and tells him he will not every see this baby and tries to go in to the house to see who he was there with, when he would not let her in she then goes down to the driveway picks up the yard ornament starts hitting his new girlfriends car and slashes the tire
"""""""""

your post is choke full of things that i could highlite on why you need to SEE AN ATTORNEY.

but the above is screaming at me. DUDE why would you want to continue with someone who has such anger issues. again i don't offer this as simple cut and run advice but you need an attorney's advice and you need to give SERIOUS consideration about calling this marriage quits

I have finally decided to be done with this after much deliberation. you all are right i have known in my heart what to do but i have been trying to hold on but i can't do it any longer. After all that transpired the other day i just can't do it.

The morning after everything happened i ended up sleeping in and when i woke up i noticed that my phone had been moved and when i started looking thru it i noticed a phone call from OM and when i asked my wife what was going on she said that when she woke up my phone was beeping because the battery was about to die so she took it to plug it up and there was a call from an unknown number and when she answered it no one said anything but she said that she she knew it was him so she sent a text to him as if it were from me and after reading the text there are alot of things that just sit uneasy with me about it. The text read as follows...

"I was sitting here talking to my wife. Thanks for the info but you and your friends were not truthful about everything. You pursued my wife even though she told you she was married. D(my wife)could not have started coming to your friends house in june because my kids did not start school until the end of august. I read all the messages you have sent being verbally abusive. She has told you repeatedly to leave her alone in the messages you would not except that and she did not know what to do. I have known for a while you would not let her go, she has told me for a few months now. You have threatened and hit her it is in the messages. she said it was all a game about the attention that is why she did not leave cuz she did not want to be with you really. She told you over and over to go home and you would not. You told the police she came to your house to start trouble because of the girl, she did not know that girl was even there when she headed over there so i know that is not true. You tried to make it out as if she was jealous of that girl i know that is not true that girl is not beautiful like my wife and she does not get bothered by girls who do not measure up to her. I want this nonsense to end, stay away from my wife and family, she doesn't love or did she ever love you she played a game. She has been so happy and relaxed the last few days now that you are gone. Enough is enough."

Please analyze this and give me your opinion.

This is the text that she sent to him after claiming he called but didnt say anything after receiving this message he called my phone and she answered and told him to never call this phone again because it was in her name and she would take out charges on him for harassment. After i woke up and found all this out and reading the message i kinda took it as her telling him they were over and she was not jealous of his new GF. I wanted to call and see what he had to say or what his reason for calling after receiving the message was and my wife made sure to point out the fact that after receiving a message saying leave my family alone and do not contact us the first thing he does is turn around and call she was like i told you he was trying to start stuff and keep things going. I refrained from calling him because i don't know who is telling the truth and who is not but it was like faith or something because that night while at work i just so happen to run into the girl who my wife was suppose to be such good friends and she told me that OM called her that morning and told her about the text said he woke up to this long text that was written as if it were from me but he said it really didn't sound like something a guy would write. After talking with her for a while and she even called her boyfriend and her roomate and they all said that they were a couple and together quite often, Now i undersand that this group of people all hang out together and they could be telling lies but it just seems unlikely to me that all these people would say one thing and my wife say another. After talking with her for about 45mins tell her to have him call me and he does and i speak with him for several mins and he tells me things that only my wife could have told him and when I confronted her with these thing she says that some of it's stuff she told her friend who had to tell him and other stuff is just lies that are made up.

I am jsut so tired of not knowing what is the truth i want to believe my wife but everything is pointing in the other direction and i told her to come clean and tell me the truth but in my heart and in my stomach i know that what she is telling me is not the whole truth. I do not believe everything they are telling me it's just that their story seems more plausible than hers and i can not move forward with this not knowing the truth.

Have you asked your W to take a polygraph? That would certainly get to the bottom of things. Many times, the wayward comes clean about everything before they even take the poly, since they know the truth is about to come out anyways.

You need to get to the bottom of this and figure out what's going on. I'm almost positive this was way more than a ONS.

yeah she came clean and said that they hooked up like 5 times after class but she said she was scared to tell me because she didn't want to lose me. He is saying they have been together several days a week for a couple of months.

That is why i just give up i keep digging but i figure it is just time to let it go i don't know who is lying and who is not but i told her to tell me the truth to begin with and she lied and now i can't believe what she is saying now and OM has a pretty good story that makes sense

I'm sorry you're going through this. From what I understand of your situation, the OM's story does seem to make more sense than your WW's. She's lied about so many things that it would probably be difficult to trust anything she says at this point, and he doesn't have much reason to lie to you.

I think the bigger problem right now is that your WW is going to extraordinary lengths to keep OM in the picture. She's seems to be feeding off the drama of all of this. If she were serious about working on your M, she would commit to NC with OM and stop texting him and going over to his house and causing all sorts of problems. Have you asked her if she is willing to write a NC letter and not ever see/speak to OM again?

I guess the only reason I can see for you even considering staying and trying to work things out is because of your two boys. Obviously, if your WW continues with all of this self-destructive behavior, this isn't a good situation for them though.

I agree and that is why i just decided to give up. I feel bad for not believing my wife but there is to many unanswered questions. She keeps trying to bring up the fact that when i cheated on her 4 years ago that she stayed with me and i owe it to her to atleast give her a chance to make things right. I feel as if it is pointless because i have no love for her, whether it be just because i am pissed off and hurt or what but i can't bring myself to do it. Part of me keeps wanting to but then the other part is telling me to stay strong and walk away everytime we have had problems i always give in and say ok maybe things will gt better but i think i am strong enough to walk away this time

i understand the part about wanting to know how many times. if you are like me once was bad but after that whether it was 2,5,199 it didn't matter, she still went back for more knowing how wrong it was.

i agree with writer that your w is feeding off of all this drama. and she is causing much of this because she is still in the fog of om.

i also think he is playing the same game of trying to keep her hanging on

get to an attorney and find out what the family law says in your state. it may help you with deciding which road you need to take

This reminds me so much of the beginning of then end of my wifes affair.

Why do you feal bad for not beliving a liar?

I am going to go ahead and tell you right now.
If you don't think your wife will eventually agree to total NC with OM and total NC for OC with OM
(Untill she is an adult)
Then if I where you, I would bail.

"She keeps trying to bring up the fact that when i cheated on her 4 years ago that she stayed with me and i owe it to her to atleast give her a chance to make things right"

But you didn't bring an OC home. Your WW is.

True, but he certainly could have. He did the same deed. It doesn't make it any better just because he didn't get the OW pregnant. An A is an A. The OC isn't the problem, the A itself is.

It may not make the affair better to not have produced an OC, but it deffinatly makes recovery for the BS far, far easier.

The possability of recovery for a BH/WW drops sharply when the WW has an OC from the affair. Even more so than a BW/WH situation.

Most WW's wont give up the child, and most men can't live every day with there wifes affair trophy. No matter how innocent the OC is.

Gack: Do you really think of your OC, whom you are I believe raising as your own child, as your WW's "Affair Trophy?" That's pretty sad. If my H had that attitude toward our child, I doubt seriously that we would be together today.

Only about 1% of the time. Only when I am trigered by somthing inconsiderate my wife does or says involving the child. And then, that sudden flash of anger is directed at my wife, not the child.

She does not say or do these things deliberatly, she just doesn't think first.

But most men are not that way, they see the OC as there wifes affair trophy and cannot get past thinking that way, now they cant, and go directly to Plan-D. That is there right, I do not blame them for it and infact support any man who chooses that rout 100%.


No, sad is having an affair and breaking your promis to your spouce and God. Even worse is being stupid enough to not take precoustions to prevent creating an OC from that un-holy union.

Do not look down or juge me for a momantary thought that flashes through my head and the emotions that go with it.

Trust me, it has and will cross his mind to.

Gack, I won't judge you if you'll stop speaking for my H. I think I know him better than you, and I don't think he has ever thought of our child in that way. We've had a lot of honest conversations about this, and the love that he feels for her is quite evident.

True, most men probably wouldn't be able to accept an OC into their lives. If this is the case, then D is the best option for all concerned. But if you're going to stay and raise this child as your own, then you should be fully committed to that. No child deserves to be raised by someone who resents them and views them as an "Affair Trophy." And I am not talking about your situation here specifically, Gack. I am talking in general.

I have actually experienced the process of R from my H's long term A, and I can assure you that it was anything but easy. An OC does indeed present certain complications in the R process, but no A is ever easy to R from. I've read enough stories on this site to see the depth of sorrow, betrayal, and pain that an A can cause, with or without an OC. I don't think you should minimize that pain by saying those R's were "far, far easier" than your own. No one can know another's pain.

Yes, A's are sad, stupid, selfish, and horrible. On my part, I have acknowledged everything that I did that was wrong. But I will not wallow in past mistakes and spend the rest of my life gnashing my teeth because of something I cannot change and cannot take back. I can only move forward from today. That's all any of us can do. I'm very fortunate to have a H who forgives me. He considers himself fortunate in return for the same reason. We have both made mistakes. We are not perfect. But we are trying every day to be better, and I think that's what counts.

Gack, I hope things work out for you and your W and your LO.

Not true UNLESS the WH is willing to go NC completely with both OC and OW and even then believe me the utter agony of knowing your H's DNA is "out there" is still a tough thing to recover from. In my case I get the distinct "pleasure" of having the wh*re in my life forever because of OC. You OTOH get to raise a beautiful child without interference from the interloper that gave the child his DNA. YOU get to be the dad, I am only the stepparent. It sucks lemons all the way around my friends.

Writer1
I know you may not mean it this way, but it sure does sound like your standing on a soapbox preaching to me and telling me I am unfit to be a father to OC becouse of latent resentment I direct towards my wife.

Even if your not specificaly directing it to me.

I do not know if I can ever fully forgive my wife, but I am trying. It is her I hold the resentment for, she is the one who caused me pain. We are still very early in the recovery phase, and I am firmly in the "Anger" portion of recovery and probably will be for a long time.

Unlike you claim your husband was, I was not OK with my wifes affair. Those 5 months where the most painfull experiance of my life. I have lost my father, and my brother, both there deaths combined, hurt no where near as bad as my wifes betrayal.

I have taken on a great responsability that I did not have to, one that I am certain I will not be rewarded for, and I make sure that the child recives nothing but love from me.

So please re read what I posted above, and really think about just how lucky YOU are to have a husband that still loves you.