OK, here goes... I've been lurking for a while, and decided to post to get some more specific help.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids together. About a year ago, she reconnected with an old classmate on Facebook, and now realizes she has found her soulmate. I found out a few months ago, and the past few months have been very hard on me.

So far, it's only an emotional affair, and the guy is 500 miles away, so there hasn't been opportunity to do anything yet. She's a stay at home mom, and he's marginally employed, so they have all day to talk to each other, and they definitely do....

He's divorced, and doesn't have a lot going for him, so he's completely into my wife, and will never let go. When they talk it's all "I love you, we're meant to be together, I will wait for you forever", that kind of stuff.

We've both read Love Busters, and I just finished Surviving an Affair. Right now, I'm trying to Plan A my little heart out.

I'm trying to avoid relationship talk, and meet her emotional needs. Sometimes I do good, sometimes, not so good.

We're in counseling, and I've exposed to both our families, our pastor, and some close friends. She wasn't angry about the exposure. She actually said it's a relief that they all know now, because she got that out of the way....


Here's where we're at now:
We are currently still acting fully as husband and wife.
She says that she loves both of us (in different ways), but doesn't know what to do, and feels trapped.
She says the other person gives her amazing amounts of love that she needs, and that I am not capable of meeting her emotional needs.
They talk every day for hours while I'm at work, which is hard, as I don't have 8 hours a day to talk to her, and we have real life to deal with.
She says she wants time to work things out, so she can figure out which of us she wants.
She says that I need to change to meet her emotional needs, but that she's not interested in meeting mine at this time.

I feel like she's trying to slowly choke the marriage to death, so she can say that she tried, but it just didn't work out. She says that if I can change and meet her emotional needs, she's open to staying in the marriage. I'm not sure if I believe that or not.

I'm feeling like nothing I do is making any difference here...

Waffle,
Sorry you are here. How long have you been in Plan A?



This is typical of wayward in active affair. Her intent is to be with her "soulmate." How are you doing on the stick part of Plan A (see link).

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Do not agree to anything your W asks like time away from each other.

Wayward Speak

Mel's Men Do Not Leave Your Home thread

Gg

So sorry you are here...

If she is removed from OM she is withdrawn and nothing you do will help. Be patient, practice meeting her EN's. God willing, she will understand and grieve. Sometimes the WS never grieves and married life just carries on.

Have you exposed OM or confronted him?

As long as she's getting her needs met by someone else, she's right, you can't meet her needs.

If she really wants to give you a chance, she has to end contact with this old classmate.

You could always say take your time. Go ahead, move out, leave the kids here, get a job and take as much time as you want to see if she wants life with him meeting needs 500 miles away, or with you.

I'd call the Harley's for a plan, see if she'll join in the phone counseling.

I think I'd push for a plan where you meet her needs for 6-12 months from the time the emotional affair started, and then if she is unwilling to end the relationship with him, unwilling to end all contact, tell her she is on her own. She has to find a new place to live, be a visitor to her children and see how appealing that is.

I wouldn't share that part of the plan with her, just share that you are willing to meet her needs and would like to negotiate to have your needs met and for any LB's she is comitting to end.

Ditto for you, you are willing to end any LBs and negotiate to meet her needs.

That part would be public.

However, if she is unwilling to eliminate the LB of the EA, then you would go into plan B, doing what it took to have her removed from the home and responsible for meeting all her needs for FS, for a place to live, for SF, for RC, etc.

I am not sure but think that aiming for cancelling your internet access and her cell phone may help control the contact?

She would still have a landline (if you have one) or be able to get a prepaid phone but

since she is a stay at home, you can cancel things that enable her to continue with the addiction.

Talking to the Harleys or getting input from vets would clarify how this might work (pros and cons).

For now, she says that she is not willing to leave the home, and she says she'll never leave her kids. I think she's trying to make plans for him to move here (again, he doesn't have a lot going on there), and once he moves here, she'll strike.

What do I do if she's just biding her time, but won't leave until the other man is set up here? She's still spending tons of time with him (virtually).

Who pays the Internet and phone bill?

Below is a thread to another husband in your shoes.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2283755#Post2283755

Gg

I've been in Plan A for about a month. I plan on doing it as long as I can hold up.

As for the stick, I'm not sure how I can stand up to the affair and yet try plan A.

If I try to eliminate their contact, she'll just go underground and hide it, at least now, I know what she's doing.

If I cancel the cell phone, she'll just go out an buy a prepaid cell phone, which she's already done.

If I cancel Internet, she'll just go to the library, which she's already done. She's also bought prepaid phone cards and used a pay phone.

Since she's a stay at home mom, I pay everything. However, I've found one prepaid cell phone already, there's nothing stopping her from getting another one.

And, if I cancel the Internet, she'll just call the phone company and get it re-hooked up.

Start setting up boundaries.

Also, please read Mark Turning to Grumpy old man in Recovery THread.

He's not in recovery yet. She's still in contact with OM.

Harley recommends Plan A for six months for BH.

Gg

You are correct - Waffle - disregard Mark thread link for now.

Gina

Wow - this could be my story. Another Facebook fed disaster. My wife and the OM were old childhood friends too, and there were many messages back and forth in the 'we were meant to be together' and 'I'll wait for you', etc. etc. It's real easy for OM to fill a WW's ENs from a distance - in my case it's 1,500 miles - and the loser has nothing else going for him.
Here's a difference - after exposure, my wife finally agreed (it took many tries) to cut off communication. Once that happened and we started counseling, things improved. She is still in withdrawal from the guy and still 'foggy', but day to day plan A is starting to have an affect. Like you, sometimes I do good, sometimes not so good. It's hard, but stay with it.
That being said, she HAS TO END IT! Has counseling helped at all?
One thing that I noticed that has made a difference - I finally got it through my thick head to avoid R talk, except when we're with the counselor. It's only been a few days, really, but I can see a difference. It's difficult because if I try to talk to her about how she's doing - to show concern - that can easily slip into R talk. If I sense that happening, I back off.
Good luck to you - you have lots of company and the people on this board are fantastic. Hang in there!

Have you contacted OM and let him know you are not going to go away so easily?

What type of Internet service do you have? Perhaps you can just change the access password, and disconnect it until you're at home. For example, if it's ADSL service, request that the password be changed, then don't save the new password on the ADSL modem.

Who controls the finances? How was she able to buy a prepaid phone? Make it clear that you are NOT going to finance any part of her A, and get very draconian with the finances if she continues to ignore your request. I also suggest that you make this very clear to the persons you've exposed to, before she has a chance to put her "spin" on it.

I think you also need to be more aware of the situation that you're in. WWs are very, VERY devious creatures. There have been several examples on this board alone of WWs engineering to get their BHs thrown out of their own homes on trumped-up abuse charges, for example. Be careful and seriously consider getting yourself a VAR to ensure that any spurious threats from her don't turn into a "he-said / she-said", because the courts are more likely going to give more credence to the "she-said" part unless you have evidence to the contrary.

Finally, strongly exist the urge to leave your home because of your WW's activities. She WILL take advantage of that, and you'll be left even worse off.

Finally, stop creating your own barriers. If you cancel the Internet service and she gets it hooked up again by calling the phone company, call the phone company and have it cancelled again. In fact, consider changing the service to be in your name only, then you can cancel the Internet service at any time without worrying about her getting it easily enabled again.

Yes, I have. He didn't care. She said I just did it because I was desperate.

At least they both know, even if they don't care.

So, you guys think that the effort is valuable, even if it doesn't have the desired effect of stopping the communication?

Also, is controlling the finances to the point she can't afford another prepaid phone a love buster?

What of OM's family. Do they know he is carrying on with a married woman? Does he have children? Does OM's wife/ex-wife know?

Just because OM says he's divorced doesn't make that the truth.

Thanks. I'm not sure if counseling helps. It seems the consensus is that marriage counseling is pretty much worthless while the affair is still active.

She says that as soon as I resolve my "issues" with counseling and can meet her needs, she'll willingly give up the affair. That makes me wonder if counseling is helpful at all here...


That is soo hard, because we would only talk about the relationship for an hour a week. I don't see how we could possibly make progress only talking about the relationship for an hour a week. I'm trying, but that's where I fail most.