I am in utter conusion as what to do. Married 14 years three children W had an affair, we seperated and her affair came to an abrupt end 6 months later after I finally exposed. She loves me but is not "in love" with me. She is also showing signs of MLC. We get along pretty well when I pick up the kids. Her affair was very very deep described it as magical feelings. She had an emotional breakdown and is entirely confused about what she wants in life. She has been NC with OM for about 6 weeks now (verified), but now she has met someone new. Just started. This tells me that she has no intentions of looking at getting back together with me right now, but she wants to do the whole Christmas thing together with the kids. OM is gone but she seems like she wants to have some connection with someone but can't do it with me, the father of her children and the man she has been with for 20 years. She see's that I have made many changes and she says she does love me. She said a month ago she was not going to date but here she is talking to this new guy for 1.5 hours last night. Am I being cake eaten again while she goes out and explores things with new people, partly to get over the OM and partly to cure her boredom and receive attention from other men. (She has low self esteem). The holidays are coming up and I am at a crossroads as to whether or not I should send her a plan B letter and start to move on and possibly wake her up. She is trying like hell to get through the withdrawal period but she seems to be doing it through persuing connections with new people.

I really need some major help on this. I am confused. I feel like I am being used by her having her family outings (e.g Christmas) while she goes around and establishes new connections with new people. I'm desperate.

Your wife is still cake eating. She currently has no commitment to the M if she is on to OM#2. She is not trying like hell to get through withdrawl. Close the bakery. How long have you been in Plan A?

IMO it is definitely time to move on. If you have any hope of rconciling, the worst thin you can do is to shield your wife from the lonlieness that comes from actions like hers. By being a friend and family substitute, you allow her to avoid the ful consequences of her actions and she will not be motivated to change.

FP, if I were in your shoes, I would send the Plan B letter and go dark as night. While the main purpose of Plan B is to protect YOU from abuse,[and your wife is very abusive] going dark just before Christmas may have the effect of yanking her off the fence if she is treated to a holiday without her H. It can be a huge wake up call to a WS to spend the holidays with some creepy OP who clearly doesn't care about her. She will spend the time comparing her day to past warm, loving Christmases with a man who really does love her. The comparison can be quite a shock.

In my opinion, this is the most strategic path you could take. You can't lose this way. Even if she doesn't wake up, you will be removed from her abuse and can begin to detach from her. If she doesn't wake up, you will be in a better position to divorce her. So, you can't lose this way.

Yes, you are being used. Allowing her to do this just trains her to abuse you.

Are you exposing her affairs? Everyone should know what she is doing. Does the OM know she is a married woman?

Concur, and yes, MAJOR CAKE EATING....MAJOR, like a wedding cake or something...DUDE

Yes. She's a cake eater. Your task now is to make sure you don't serve it up for her.

Yes.

Tell her family that she is on to #2.

Give her your Plan B letter.

Do NOT do Christmas together. Have your OWN holiday with your kids. Without her.

This OM #2 is brand new. Week old. She met him at the airport when she arrived from her "sebatical". He is also from Italy so they have something in common. She does not know I have access to her phone account so she is hiding it and will obvisouly deny it and I also don't want her to know I have a key logger on the computer. She is so desperately lost in her life. Her soul mate is gone but she still has the security of knowing I am sitting on the side. I sent her a love letter with a path to get the realtionship back (a month ago)but I did and tried to avoid love busters. I would say I have been plan Aing her for about a month. We do get along fairly well, but my fear is that the cultural connection with this OM#2 will take hold and eventually she will "fall in-love" again. I figure if I can plan B her now it may put a bit of shock into her and cut a growing connection down for the short term. Any thoughts or examples on a plan B letter. I have an appointment with one of the Hartleys tongiht. I want to give this to her tomorrow when I pick up the kids because I know she will have her first "date" this weekend with him.

FP, use the letter from Surviving an Affair. That is a good template, IMO.

Good job!

On the other hand...you could hold off on Plan B, and just happen to show up at their date...

Just sayin'.

I don't have the book surviving an affair and really need to get this out now before her date tomorrow. I am just so full of emotions I'm afraid I am going to screw it up without a template

If you have this man's phone number, you could always give him a buzz and ask him what he is doing with YOUR WIFE and ask him if he has a wife too. There are many interesting options of things to say or let him know.

... without a weapon ... just sayin'

These jokes are not helpful and could be considered dangerous with a BH in such an emotional state. With all due respect, please refrain. DUDE

I don't think it was a joke, dude.

I was thinking, show up on the date - with the children, and hand her the Plan B letter. (hopefully children + public = no scene)

If she's still living with you, hand her a bag with her clothes and tell her the locks have been changed. (You dont really have to do it, but I'd tell her).

OM#2 is going to run for the hills. Telling her the locks have been changed is really for his benefit. He's looking for something much less complicated.

Yes, take a well-meaning, big, unarmed friend!
Hang tuff!