Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I have been married to a narcissistic man for the last 9yrs. I wasn't aware of Narcissism until 4 months ago. I have been doing tons of research and I'm very discouraged. Most research shows Narcissist rarely change. I know God is the God of impossible, but I'm losing hope. We have been separated for 4 months now. I have gone to counseling the last 4 months, going to an Abuse (Emotional, Verbal, and Sexual) Recovery Group. Over the years I have always been working on myself to keep growing spiritually and personally. I have a LONG way to go. My husband does not know how to love. He does not know empathy. My love language is quality time. He is a workaholic (self-employed). Life ONLY revolves around him & his business. If you don't run your own business then you are lazy. If you work a 40 hour job he thinks those people are lazy.

I know that I know he has a mental disorder (Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder). He refuses to get help. I thought with me moving out it would make him see the seriousness of our marriage, but it hasn't. He has never cherished me, loved me, or valued me. I was only there to meet his needs sexually, run ALL of his errands...while taking care of 3 kids (One being homeschooled, the other in pre-school, and the baby). I tried to die to myself and deny my needs. There have been so many times in the bedroom I have been uncomfortable with what he wants, but still did for him as dying to myself and my needs.

I guess I just want to know is there any Narcissist that has truly changed? I feel like I'm holding on to the hopeless. He tells me one day he loves me, the next time I talk to him he blames me for everything and tells me he is 99% done with our marriage and wants to get the ball rolling on a divorce.

I'm scared to death. He is so controlling that he has left me high and dry financially and we aren't even legally separated. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 7 years. I don't have family. I don't have a degree in anything. He won't help me with anything...unless I give him s** and then he will pay me for it, but I REFUSE to allow myself to be treated like a prostitute anymore. That is one of the main reasons we are in this place as well as he rarely spent time with me and the kids. I truly have been a single mom the last 7 years anyways. He has had nothing to do with them...up until now. He is wanting to fight me for sole custody. He doesn't know how to take care of our kids. Up until I left...he had only had his kids one weekend for the last 7 years. We have gone to counseling and my "unrealistic expectation" was if my husband could give me and the kids 1 weekend a month (24 days a year), but he barely could give us 1 weekend every 3 months. Honestly, I wouldn't even know what it is like to be cherished, loved, or valued. I ask my counselor if there are men out there really do love their wives.

Crazy thing is...I still love him. Not sure if it is really love or if it is out of my dysfunctional comfort zone. I'm seeing a lawyer on Monday as I have to do something because he is definitely wanting to go through with a divorce and I need to get my ducks in a row.

I'm looking for hope of Narcissist that change.

From a broken hearted wife

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagie how yo must be hurting.

My belief is that anyone who truly wants to change, is willing to see themselves honestly, and is willing to get help and do whatever it takes can change. But they have to be willing. I do not have a personality disorder but I do have bipolar disorder. It isn't exactly the same, butit did have hurtful effects on my family. I refused to get help for years- I thought I would be a sprirutal failure if I did. As it was, I ended up having an affair during a manic episode. Finally, when the world came crashing down, I sought help. That was ovr three years ago.

Now, with the help of God, medication, therapy, and a VERY loving husband, our marriage is restored. But I had to do the work.

There are people here who know a lot about the legal side of these things that can help you. I woud say to start riting down all abherrant behavior you can think of, and keep documenting it - dates, times, etc. The refusing to meet your basic needs and pying you for sex would be a biggie. Document how little time he spends with his kids. Surely that will be helpful in some way if he really does try to get custody.

Do you have a good church that can be supportive of you? As far as a job goes, the church might also be a good network - maybe someone there could put you in touch with others who need an employee.

I wish I could be more help. Read everything you ca on this site. I too grew up hearing about denying self, but i a marriage, that can be taking to the extreme, especially if your spouse isn't taking care of you. Dr.Harley is a Christian, but he has a much more practical and realistic view or what maks a marriage work than some o the misapplied homlies we grew up with.

Oh, and I am a horrible typist, so sorry about that!

I would encourage you to continue to get personal counseling to uncover why you still love him? There is your issue of which you need to understand and to take ownership. I would suspect that your response is related to your dysfunctional upbringing, as people who are attracted to narcissists, do so for some sort of familiarity with it.

However, if you are filing the divorce papers for yourself, then fine, but do not do it for your husband because he mentioned it. Just perform the tasks for yourself, and then .

Likewise, do not feel threatened by his entitlement intimidation for sole custody. I doubt the courts will allow him that with evidence from a prior marriage and his prior marriage visitation performance.

If he has been married before, and that marriage ended in divorce, there is little evidence that he will change. NPD and BPD are very closely linked, as told to me by a psychologist, who was a parent of my daughter's friend.

NPD and BPD generally eventually live alone because no one will put up with their crap forever, if they are strong enough normal people, or they live with a dependent psersonality type person, who will put up with their crap.

wiftty

Hi, and welcome to MB, although I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you here. This is a great place to ask questions and get advice.

Several things you mention struck a chord:


I know that phrase "dying to self" and how some religious groups teach their followers that is what you are supposed to do. They especially tell wives to "die to self" for their husbands.

Marriage Builders is rooted in Judeo-Christian principles, but Dr. Harley (and others) talk about mutually meeting each others' needs, and how the feeling of love dies if your needs are not being met. The Principle Of Joint Agreement (POJA) means you are not to do anything unless both spouses agree - and that agreement must be "enthusiastic", as in, it's what they really want; they aren't "sacrificing".

Please believe me in this: BEING A MARTYR IS NO WAY TO RUN A MARRIAGE.

Interesting typo: At first I wrote "ruin a marriage." Being a martyr is an excellent way to *ruin* a marriage.

I am familiar with the mindset of being taught to "die to self." There is a certain peculiar, UNhealthy, feeling that is sort of comforting, or something... that comes from relinquishing all ... decisions? power? and adopting a martyr attitude.

That is extremely unhealthy. For the martyr, but also for the... marty. Martee. Martie. lol

Why on Earth is it considered loving, a good thing, the right thing, to promote and encourage your spouse to have unrealistic expectations that the world revolves around them, that they are immune from having to show normal human decency and from having to learn healthy coping skills and from becoming a mature, healthy, well-rounded person?????

There are many threads here of women who tried to be The Good Wife, and ended up with childish, selfish, immature husbands whose problems extend to dealing with others at work, etc.

How is that being loving to the husbands?

You have kids - do you think you would be a loving mom if you taught your kids they should expect to always get their way, to get all the candy they want, to grab from others, to demand their playmates to do everything their way, to not share, etc?

IMO that would be a great way to make sure the kids would be extremely frustrated, unhappy, unhealthy adults.

Hmm, somehow I found myself going on for quite sometime about that. Sorry for the rant. I hope you don't think I was "yelling at you".

Have you read the basic concepts here yet? About the Love Bank, Emotional Needs, and Love Busters? If so, then you can see why "dying to self" is not how to get to a healthy, loving marriage.

I have a husband who sometimes seems to not be able to feel empathy. I also have Quality Time for my most important (by a long shot) Love Language. One MC gave us the assignment of going out on one date a week, or every two weeks... I think we managed two dates for that whole summer. But things are much improved now.

I'm not sure whether it's possible for NPDs to change, but I've read it is extremely difficult. However... there's the chance that your husband may not actually be NPD (as in, it's ingrained in his personality make-up); it could be his behavior and attitude is just the result of an environment that teaches the wife to "die to self", or of having a wife who practices that. There's a chance that, as you learn about boundaries, and start respecting yourself and build confidence, he may learn new behaviors too.

Here's another thought I just had: At least for me, having someone around who was being a "martyr" would be extremely unpleasant - it would make me feel horrible, like I was a bad person - perhaps alternating with liking getting my way about everything. I'm pretty sure that if my spouse was acting like a martyr, I'd respond negatively - being irritable as I felt self-hatred, not wanting to be around that person, and trying to bury myself in work or hobbies.

There's a wife here named catperson whose husband made ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE changes once she started speaking up for herself and stopped being a martyr. Who knew, but apparently there was a loving, caring, "cute" husband underneath!!!

I wish the same for you. Please don't be one of those ppl who posts once a never comes back, ok?

WhenIfindthetime, I'm definitely working on trying to figure out why I still love him. I'm going to an abuse recovery class as well as my counseling and that class is helping me so much.

I learned this week that if I grew up in a home that didn't meet my needs (love, security, value, protected, nutured, etc.) or have healthy relationships, it leaves me emotionally stunted. Which it has. I also learned that having received abuse from my childhood effects my ability to truly receive love, because deep inside me I believe I'm not worthy of receiving love. Which has been a long struggle for me. My counselor and I are working on this. I have learned so much in this abuse recovery class. One last thing I will share that I learned too is that experiencing abuse as a child effects my decision making abilities in adult hood about what behaviors I consider acceptable and especially how I am treated. When I heard this, it definitely helped me see why I ended up where I'm at.



He hasn't been married before.

I'm a work in process. I know I was sick in my marriage to. I enabled (which at the time I thought I was being loving). Definitely sick. In my recovery class they say that either I learn to give abuse or take abuse that abuse is a learned behavior. Which I have definitely learned to take it. I'm in need of lots of help. Having a forum to get encouragement and for others to help me see the truth and not the lies is awesome. Thank you for sharing with me.

Thank you for caring enough to respond and share with me. That helps me a lot. I am hurting deeply. I'm confused, broken hearted, terrified, etc. I think what hurts the worse is that my husband is not fighting for me. I have asked him to get help and I set up some boundaries on what I would like to have done before I would consider going back to him and he hasn't even taken one step. I wanted him to go to counseling as I am. I asked him if he would go to a sex addiction group too, but he just tells me "if you truly have faith in Jesus then you will trust Him to change me." He says "When I got saved I stopped doing drugs because Jesus delivered me from them and I didn't need counseling then." There is nothing more I can do other than pray, which I have been like crazy.

I did get a job at a supermarket as a checker, but I can only work the weeks I don't have my kids. My husband is being so overly controlling that I have no one to watch the kids for me the weeks I did have them. I have them every other week, which is killing me as I have been their sole caretaker from day one. I can't afford to pay for childcare as I am only making $.20 more than minimum wage. If I pay for childcare with my gas I would only be making a dollar or two an hour. I have to work though, because my husband is NOT helping me financially at all.
Oh, it is too much at times. I want to go home to be with Jesus so bad at times. It is moment by moment.

I'm not sure if I had the martyr attitude as much as a prideful attitude, if I'm going to be honest. I prided myself that I wasn't a naggy wife. I prided myself that I gave sex to my husband 4 or more times a week (not realizing I was being sexually abused) than other women I knew. I prided myself on being the super mom, the strong one, the homeschooling guru, etc. Oh, it makes me disgusted just typing it. Makes me want to throw up! I prided myself that I was laid back and always gave my husband grace. I prided myself that I would die to my needs of needing time with my husband. We would have a beach trip schedule and then I would have to cancel because my husband had to work. I would tell my friends it is fine. I would pride myself for being understanding. Which now that I typing this I don't know if it was pride or my denial/minimizing behavior. I was truly sick because I would defended my husband when people would persecute him for how much he worked. I never wanted people to think bad of my husband. Which I knew lots of people didn't like him.

I have read almost everything on this site. I even email my husband the basic concepts, emotional needs, love busters, etc. I have been truly neglected my whole marriage. I have journal entries from before we got married saying how he would only stay longer with me if we messed around. I can't believe I didn't see it then. Out of my own woundings I couldn't see the truth. The second night of our honeymoon I got really really sick and he was to mad and pouted. I was so hurt because it wasn't like I could control being sick. Then when we had our first son 7 years ago. He couldn't wait even a week an half. I was crying it hurt so bad and he didn't care at all. See, I was sick and have had no self worth to even allow myself to let him do it. Oh, I have such a long ways to go!

I think things might be different if his mother wasn't in the picture. She truly is an evil person. He is 33yrs old and now she is doing his laundry & the boys when he has them. She makes them their meals and she is now doing my husbands bills. Not paying them, but just keeping them organized for my husband. It is truly sick. She LOVES that we aren't together. She loves that her boy needs her.

Thank you so much for your caring words though. It helps my heart to have people that care and can encourage me in the right direction. Obviously, I need lots of help!

Oh, Jesus help me! I didn't want this for my life. I wanted my boys to have a family. Oh, Jesus please change my husbands heart and ways. Please!

First, I wanted to let you know that I am also a Christian who believes the whole Bible. Even the dying to self part. But dying to self really means we die to the old man, to sin. It doesn't mean dying to all the needs we have.

Oh how familiar your husband's manipulation is - just pray and have faith that Jesus will change me. It is what kept me from getting help for all that time. As if persona challenges or mental illness are a sign that we are lesser Christians. Not true! When we break an arm, we go to the doctor. If we are diabetic, we take insulin. If our emotions, our minds, are broken, there is o shame in seeking help for that also.

When I first read MB and His Needs, Her Needs, I found myself stuggling. It seemed to be at odds with what I was taught. Well, it may have been at odds with what sme others told me, but it is not at odds with the Bible. If God desires tat his children have abundant life, then that extends to their marriages. If God wants us to love our neighbors as ourselves, that means our spouses too. And, your husband needs to remember that God also teaches that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

I guess my point is, MB and our faith really do compliment each other. Don't be afraid to learn and change.

I am glad you are here for support. I am glad you are reaching out for help and counsel in your community. Your Husband sounds like a sick man. I have empathy because many of the attitudes he expresses sound like my Father although my mother was able to keep him in check. The first thing that I needed to do was grow up and move out. The second was to realize my self image was distorted and I needed help and time to heal.
It took the counsel of many normal people and time for me to heal from the damage that was done. I assure you that you will be hurting your children if you allow him to "use" your children as he is you.
Please be advised that there might be some inner issue that you need to address within yourself. There is a condition called the "Stockholm syndrome" where a hostage identifies with the person holding them hostage. I am sure that there is a more accurate psychiatric term for what your going through. The point is that the hostages accually believed that they should be held hostage after having thier life threatened over time. They would be martyrs and it would have been right because they were brainwashed.
I have seen women get out of a bad situation with someone like an abusive boyfriend only to seek the same type of character trait in the next one. The cycle continues.
It isn't limited to personal relationships. People get used to living a certain way and when they are given the chance to change a bad lifestyle they just gravitate back to the same old life. As in the case of some alcoholics who are constantly seeking some desparate life so they can have a reason for drama and drink.

Take heart though, with time and the ability to reflect after you get away from this you can have a good life. Many of the people in this world have scars that they will carry for the rest of thier lives and areas that they really have to watch themselves in. You might think you love him but what I suspect is a very low self image and/or a need to save this selfish sick man. Its called co-dependancy.
I assure you that God wants you to seek Him first and when a man acts like your husband does He wants to handle him Himself. The best thing you can do, the only thing anyone can do, is take care of themselves. Only when you are healthy can you take care of your children and then show them that real men, unselfish and humble balanced men with compassion deserve to be with you. God has called you to himself, you are his and he wants you to have life, and life more abundantly. Once you know this in the depths of your soul you will have peace and fear will leave. Untill your husband grows up he should not be in your life. Let him go and let God deal with him. I don't know if he will change but that will be between him and God.
Thats where the truth fits in here. The principals the Harveys teach are based on spiritual truth. They are fair and respect everyones right to reason and understanding. The most important relationship with a human being you will have on this earth is your spouse. A marriage is what the two people in it build it to be. You will see here mistakes that others make and what it takes to have a healthy marriage. The things you learn will help you to leave your situation if he doesn't change. The most important thing to these people is the health of a marriage and they support those who respect that. They will support you in your quest and understand what you are going through. They care about you.

I hope that what I have said here helps you. I don't want to overstep my bounds with assumptions about your state of mind. Believe me when I say that there is help for you. If your marriage can be saved you are in the right place to get help. As far as any other personal issues you are dealing with keep seeing the therapists and doctors. God bless you and keep you.

ps I just read about how he quit drugs and didn't need counselling because of Jesus. I have posts here about how my late wife had used the "Jesus saved me from alcohol and I don't need counselors" CRAP that my family endured. Does his church have any real men in it? Does his pastor know how he treats you and the kids? Be careful with these guys. They will be telling you you are "in the world" and "Not trusting God" all kinds of bullcrap.

who knows,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Where are you staying? ARe you in a position to financially support your children and yourself at all? I know you got a job as a store clerk, but that doesn't pay much, so I'm just asking.

Also, you should really consult a lawyer. You do not want to be punished for "abandoning" your husband--in some states that is enough for you to lose some custody claims.

Have you considered the possibility (after so many years together) or staying with him while you pursue some means of self-support? Going back to college or something?

If you really have no family, do have any friends? I'm concerned that you have made a rash decision here, and are unprepared for the life that this will give you.

Sure, he isn't meeting your needs, but if you and your children are safe while you are together, what is the hurry? Why not stay with him and develop a life of your own?

Just my .02 worth.

Who diagnosed your husband as "narcissistic"? A profession psychologist, a psychiatrist, or you?

Maybe he just feels driven to succeed. Is his business doing really well?

Maybe he is just fighting to keep his business from failing.
The average successful small business owner or professional in practice works 54 hours a week. Many of them work 70 hours a week. A mere 40 hours a week looks like a 3-day week to them.

If you are not happy with his work, he obviously needs to make some major adjustments, but it is not that easy to do. You can't just say, "I'll cut my hours from 60 to 40 and earn 2/3 as much." 45 hours a week might be the minimum to push things over the top of the hill.

What kind of business is this?
Does he have partners, or employees?

It seems to me that resolving this problem is going to require more than him just changing his attitude, and more types of counseling than just marriage counseling and individual psychological counseling. He will need business counseling, as well, to unwind things.

Hi Sortingitout,
What you said does help. You are right that I have a low self image and definitely right on me thinking I can save my husband. I'm learning in my abuse recovery class that because of the way I grew up (being the parent to my father) I have become a fixer. My motivational gift is compassion & mercy which causes me to be a fixer. I have tried to filling my soul hole in my life with getting value by being there for others and helping others. Which now I'm having to look at my own woundings and fixs them before I can be beneficial to anyone else. I have so focused on others wounds, while denying my bleeding gaping wounds. I have known Jesus for everyone else and now I'm having to get to know Him for myself.

I was doing the Beth Moore Esther Bible Study and she had said "We have to heal our minds before relationships." I personalized it and I have to heal my mind before working on my relationship with my husband. The problem is I have enabled and protected him. I now, like you said, have to leave it up to God and him. All I can do is work on myself. Which I have always been doing and will continue to do all my life. I love to learn, change, and grow...and boy howdy am I learning, changing, and hope growing now.

As for your question about our church. Yes, our church have amazing real men it. They have tried to hold him accountable and mentor him. They knew that my husband was a workaholic as he was hardly ever at church with me. Basically, I have been a single mom. We were in leadership too and I would attend the leaders meetings by myself. So, they would get on him for that, but I would protect him and say things like "you know what Dave Ramsey says...work like no one else now, so you can really work like no one else later." I never wanted people to look down on my husband or to think he is bad person. He doesn't go there anymore because our pastor and some other men started seeing his true colors and he didn't like that so he left to go to another church a.k.a. where no one knows me so I can hide.

I'm praying, praying, praying that he will have a heartchange. I have always had mentors, accountability groups, prayer groups, people speaking into my life and have always been willing to grow (which I have a LONG ways to go). He hasn't, but I'm praying for that.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

Hi Telly,

God provided me a place underneath a Christian family home. It is a basement that they have redone for as an apartment. No, I'm not in a position to provide financially for my children and myself solely. We had a savings that I had put away in my name for years and that is what I have been living off of. As a store clerk, your right I don't get paid tons, but at least I get full benefits for my boys and I. As my husband quit paying for our health insurance. He also took me off of all our bank accounts and gave me $90 to start a new account back in September. It is a control tactic.


I have met with one lawyer a couple of months ago. She said as long as we are in agreement about the kids I could leave without losing custody. They are with me half the time and him half the time.



There was absolutely no way we could stay together. It was SO volatile, not good for our children to be seeing. I'm planning on going back to college this term. I'm going to take one class at a time. I had no other choice...it was BAD.



I TRULY don't have family. My father passed away when I was 14yrs old. My mother hasn't been in my life since I was 17years old. I'm in my thirties now. I was an only child. I have amazing friends, but none that I can live with with 3 kids. I did not make a rash decision. I consulted our pastor, my mentors, my counselor, etc. before I moved out. It was BAD.


Unfortunately, my children were not safe seeing us fight/argue as bad as we were. I originally had asked him if he could just move into his shop or onto our property with his mom's motorhome so we wouldn't have to take the kids out of their environment. He absolutely refused. I was a prisoner in my own home. He wouldn't leave. I would end up leaving to spend the night over at a friends house. It was bad. I hear you say sure he isn't meeting my needs. It is easy for people to say those words when they have a loving spouse to go home to and that will love them. Not only was he not meeting my needs, he was using me as a prostitute. It was never enough in bed. Not ever kinky enough, not ever frequent enough, I never could reach his bar as much as I tried and believe me I TRIED. I did things I would of never wanted to do. He offered to pay me for a certain act and my heart broke. I said, I'm your wife...not a prostitute. He has a major sexual addiction and when our pastor and couple of other men tried to confront him with that, he fled the church. It is difficult, because I still love him and want our family to be together, but I cannot keep living the way we were. If I do what I have always done, I will get what I have always got.

When my 1st son was 3 months old I was told that he needed a CAT Scan on his head. I didn't know what was going on. I asked the x-ray tech. and he said he wasn't allowed to tell me anything. I said, please tell me something I can look up online...a word, something. He said maybe look up Cranial Synosis. I went straight home and looked up anything I could find and had my son diagnosed with Sagittal Craniosynostosis before the results of the CAT Scan came back and before our next doctors appointment. I had already talked with another mom whose son had the same thing and she told me the whole surgery procedure.

The same thing has happened. I have had several people the last four months, especially at our church that have asked me if my husband was a Narcissist. I had never heard of the word before. I started doing research and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how Narcissistic he is. It actually breaks my heart and of course my personality want to fix him, but I can't.



Yes, he is driven to succeed in his business, but sure not driven to succeed in his marriage. His business has always struggled, but it pays the bills. I have been behind his business from day one. I got him his biggest customer. His two employees I got for him. I renamed his business to something even better than before. I passed out and still pass out business cards for his business ALL the time.



He has had his business since 1999. I know what the average small business professional works, that is why I only asked for ONE weekend a month. ONE, for the last nine years. I didn't think that was too much to ask for. Every weekend my boys and I would try and find stuff to do with just them and I. It was really hard for me to see all my friends doing things with their spouses/families and I rarely had my husband on Sundays. My husband lives to work. Not works to live. I have been a very supportive and understanding wife. This past summer I took the kids to the beach twice, took them camping, took them to the river many times. I only wanted him to go on one camping trip with us this summer, but he only showed up for a day. It was devastating. I have letters after letters that I had sent to him asking for him to just call me once during the day or every other day to see how I was and for that ONE weekend a month.



Your absolutely right. We need so much more than marriage counseling. I am individually going to psychological counseling and have been asking him to do the same for the last three months. I also agree with him needing business counseling. I have told him if he invested 1/4 of what he invests into his business towards his marriage we might be still together. I have always said if I was a machine that made money he would spend more time with me.

I can shout on the highest building in New York City that my husbands has been the GREATEST PROVIDER, but that is it! I have told him this as well. He hasn't been a husband or a father. I told him it is so sad that it took our marriage totally collapsing for him to be a father to our kids. Honestly, he doesn't even want the kids it is more of a control thing. When he has them. Our four year old is on the computer at his shop all day and our 18 month old is his pack n play all day. It breaks my heart, but he refuses to let me have them. Hell would have to freeze over before he would call me and ask for help. I'm in the processes of trying to figure all of this out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

Glad to see that your church leaders are protecting you. I think Beth is an awesome teacher. Glad you are useing her stuff. She knows how to walk away from unhealthy stuff and has in her life.

You are using the tool that God wants us to, the gift of your mind and free volition. Stay connected to what seems to be your healthy church and its leaders.

I also ran my own bussiness for 7 yrs while my children were young and my wife was doing great. My motivation was to build something that provide for my family and use my God-given talents to contribute to the most valuable things in life, people.
I spent many hours away from home but when I was there I spent time with my wife, gave her a chance to get away and spend time with her friends and church, hung out with my children and played games, talked about God and life and fairness and health and just let them know by spending time with them that I loved them.
My bussiness was in the trades and sometimes I would be out by myself for over 33 hrs with no sleep and still when I was home I would sleep and then spend time with my family. I NEVER would expect my wife to degrade herself by offering her money for sexual performance. Even though I was really in a place of needing her to want me. Our sex life when we were first together was very active, but it was consentual. As both of our time gravitated to a focus on the children when they came our time and her interest in sex took what I understand was a nessesary and natural change. I have allways had more of a emotional need for sex than my wife did, I assumed that it was because I was a man, but I also knew that for my wife she needed more romantic needs met and time spent with her for her to be in the mood. We both just worked hard and couldn't wait till we had more time for romantic getaways and marriage encounters. Consentual sex comes from the relationship of the two being healthy. its the result, not the initiator of a healthy relationship. When the bible tells a women to submit herself to her husband its assumed that he is someone God would want his daughter to submit herself to. He uses you and treats you like his property.
So, his disrespect for you has nothing to do with his bussiness or the fact that he thinks everyones lazy, Everyone who has ever known me would say that I was the hardest worker they ever knew. I also have physical orthopedic problems from accidents and have been an insulin dependant diabetic since I was 28 and I still outworked many IMHO. I have worked since I was a kid and consider it a priveledge to. I worked to live, not lived to work, like you said.

Yes small bussiness owners need to work more hours than others. The idea for owning your own bussiness is to be able to provide better and be able to schedule your time for what you find important. In the case of your H, you aren't important enough it seems. I would like to believe that he will change while you are with him but ..

He believes that he can do whatever he feels and continues to use God as his justification for it. The world is filled with people who twist scripture to thier own needs. Many churches realize that some of thier members have misconceptions and encourage them to soul-search and study. They won't turn away someone who is really searching. When a church does the right thing and approches a member seeking to restore them and the member runs away, it is clear that they need to get help from Gods delegated authoritys that represent laws we have to protect us from ourselves and each other. Your husband falls into that catagory for now.
He is being enabled by his family so he is comfortable. If his new church knows about what he has been doing and allows it then they are enabling him too. Chances are they don't know or are also mislead. Again all you can do is take care of yourselve now. If he is useing his children for control and to keep up appearances it would be apparent in a divorce situation and he will eventually lose interest anyways it seems. Unless he finds another women who wants to be his slave and raise the children you will probably get them back or spend most of the the years raising them.

I believe that God is the God of miracles, but we must be have a broken and contrite heart before him and be willing to repent from our mistakes. we also need to see that we make them. I pray that your husband will open his eyes. Don't wait for that to take care of yourself.

God bless you and yours