I didn't have to look up "pessary". ~I~ read James Herriot.

(Besides, everyone knows a pessary is a small, wild desert pig.)

Hello all, not sure if I'm doing this thread continuation thing right or not. Anyway I just wanted to let you all know that, upon advice and guidence from my counselor, I did finally expose to my mom what was going on. I did it this past Saturday.

We went for a walk together, and I broke down crying as I told her. As Pepperband had surmised, my mom already knew, although she was not aware of the underage stuff or the gay stuff. Ugh. My mom had discovered him "at it" during the summer, and had threatened to leave him if he did not (A) stop and (B) get help. Predictably he did neither of those things, and has been lying to her each time she asked him if he was doing it or not. I guess she would ask him on a pretty regular basis, and he denied each time - in his own addicted, wayward-esque fog i guess.

Someone also said that I should be prepared for denial, which initially I did not encounter. However, on Monday night, when I stopped by their house, both of them were acting all happy and chipper as though nothing had happened. I felt as though I had walked into the twilight zone. My mom was saying things like "We're fine! No problem!" And then out of nowhere she told me I should "have mercy" on my dad. I felt as though they were closing ranks against me somehow. It was exceedingly creepy and unsettling. I just left, but not before she asked, "Don't you want to be polite and say goodbye to your father?"

She may want things to return to status quo as though nothing has happened, but right now I'm too hurt and grossed out (esp. by the underage stuff) to even begin to extend any kind of relationship to my dad. Yes, he betrayed my mom, but really he betrayed the whole family. No, it's not my business, but it became my business when the information was foisted upon me (and when he trashed my computer by infecting it with pron-related viruses). It's too upsetting and traumatizing for me, particularly in light of what I endured w/ my WXH (pron habit, affairs, etc). But no-one seems to care about that.

I am staying with a friend until I can figure out some other situation. I feel untethered and homeless and despressed - sad mostly for my mom, and angry not only about the betrayals, but also the stuffing of feelings, blameshifting, and denial that has run through my family since, well forever. My counselor and I have lots of work to do! lol

Anyway, thank you again to everyone for your support and prayers. You were of great help as I navigated this very difficult and traumatizing situation.

See if there is a COSA meeting in your area, will help with a great deal of this 'stuff'.

I'm sorry to hear of your parents' response, although I'm glad you were somewhat prepared for the idea here before it actually happened to you. As a mother, let me admit that parents are sometimes stupid...although I can't say I admitted that to my own kids when they were little. But it's true, nevertheless. Get the counseling and help you need for yourself, because you're not going to be able to fix either of them if they refuse, or even admit that they have a problem.

tl

You done good Jersey!

JK, you did good, you did the right thing and for that feel proud of yourself.
Yup, how your Mom decides to live her M is hers to own, it's her M.

Your relationship with your Dad, is yours to own, not what other family members think it should be.
Don't bend your values, they are straight.

Good luck to you and take care!

And in case that you don't know ...... your H's affair and porn habits, these are not your fault, these are his to own.

JK, Please listen to Pepperband about keeping children away from him even if your mom is there. I'm thinking of how many grown kids with children use their parents for babysitting. Even the slightest doubt calls for full protection of these children. I feel your mom is clueless and not reliable in this. It's their business unless it interferes with protecting the grand kids, then it's everyone's business.

You sound like you wanted your parents to split. That is what is really disturbing. It is highly unlikely there was any "underage" or gay stuff. Whenever you surf you get tons and tons and tons of stuff that pops up that has nothing to do with what you are looking for.

Be happy your parents are able to get through this. There is nothing worse than people getting divorced late in life, even if dad looks at porn once in awhile. This is EXTERMELY common. A woman's need for sex tends to wane late in life while a man's desire's may not.

abch123, porn addiction is as much cheating as physically cheating. I would suggest that, as a new poster, you take the time to read the information MB offers, and then read through the forums, including the archives, and see the damage that porn/sexual addiction has done to many marriages.

abch123,

ITA with Lady Clueless.

I never got any impression that this young lady wanted her parents to split. She seemed very concerned for both parents and agonized over disclosure to her mother. I am sorry they have brushed this aside.

I cannot express how much damage my H's porn addiction did to our family, and my self-esteem.

By the grace of God, my H has beat this addiction, and we are doing very well.

Nothing porn related comes up on our computer, because no one in my house looks at any sites that would remotely bring something like that up.

I must agree to disagree with you.

KiwiJersey,

You did very well. I am sorry you are going through this hard time in your life, and you did the right thing. I know how hard it was.

Best wishes to you. I am glad you have a counselor, and I believe you will work through this. You sound like a very mentally healthy and stable young person.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I couldn't POSSIBLY overstate my disagreement with this advice. And I do it as a mother of 4 adult children, as a 62-year (and 3 whole days! ) old registered nurse with 40 years of nursing experience, and the grandmother of 6 molested children: the 3 adopted ones by their biological mother's boyfriend, who moved into the house after their biological father went to prison on drug charges; the abuse/molestation started when they were 4,2, and an infant). The 3 biological grandchildren were molested by the not-yet-adopted grandchildren before anybody knew what was happening. They were also very young at the time it
started, and the oldest of the bios was 4--or was it 5? or 6? Quite frankly, the last few years are an unmerciful blur--when the story surfaced.

The last 7+ years have been hell on earth for us as we have dealt with their traumas and twisted minds. Don't you DARE let somebody make you feel guilty for trying to protect your mother, or vulnerable children, from even the possibility that your father might be a danger to juveniles. I am saying that there is NO chance worth taking on this subject. I would could not be prouder of what you had done than if you were my own daughter...and I am full of admiration for what those two remarkable daughters of mine have endured for the sake of these damaged children, which damage occurred through NO fault of their own, but simply because a mother who might have intervened shut her eyes to what was going on and let it persist and escalate and so destroy the childhoods and the futures of 6 innocents. Well, not so innocent NOW, but they were back then! I am enraged to this day over what was done to all 6 of them, and when Neak (my oldest daughter) heard, 7+ years ago, from her 5-year old son that his cousin was giving him blow jobs because her mama's boyfriend taught her how, she went to the police that very day, and the now-adopted children were never returned to the their biological mother's care. Not only has it caused us $1000s of dollars in legal bills, but grief and stress beyond anything we could ever have imagined when it started out.

But my amazing daughters, much like you, refused to hide their heads in the sand, and confronted it head-on...and as bad as it's been, it's WAY better than it EVER would've been if they'd tried to brush it under the rug and make excuses for themselves or their families. I commend you. I admire you. I, with the voice of blood-bought experience, tell you you did right. Don't apologize. Don't back down. You are a special person. I'm proud of you, and quite frankly, I'll back my experience in the condemning I posted, any day of the week and twice on Sundays, as opposed to the ignorant drivel which accuses you of mal-intent. So stand tall and firm. You have nothing for which to apologize, so don't get snookered into thinking you have to say you're sorry.

tl

I adore you T&L.

> Don't apologize. Don't back down. You are a special person. I'm proud of you, and quite frankly, I'll back my experience in the condemning I posted, any day of the week and twice on Sundays, as opposed to the ignorant drivel which accuses you of mal-intent. So stand tall and firm. You have nothing for which to apologize, so don't get snookered into thinking you have to say you're sorry.


ITA!!!!!!!!

Pretty useless "advice," IMO. But thanks. lol

What is COSA?

Thank you Pepperband. I am in the process of discussing this with my therapist, who is well-versed in such situations, fortunately or unfortuntately.

So the next sticky wicket is this: my mom has begged me not to tell my brother, who has a child. I have to tell him, don't I? Ugggggh....

Thank you Miss M. You are right: I have NO desire that my parents should split! In fact, the fear of that is what kept me from telling my mom all these months. I did indeed agonize over this decision, at great personal cost. I don't know how emotionally healthy I am right now lol - although I am practicing self-care as best I can.
Thank you again for your kinds words and support.

TandL - oh my gosh. I don't even know what to say. I am so very sorry you and your family had to endure this kind of trauma and evildoing. Your post brought tears to my eyes. So much evil in the world, but then people like you refuse to curse the darkness, and instead light a candle. Your support of me and my actions means a great deal. I can't tell you how guilty I have felt over the past several days. Intellectually I know I didn't create this situation, but by exposing it I feel, I don't know, dirty or somehow complicit.

My mom's approach to all of this has been distressing, particularly her desire to keep this secret from my brother, who has a child. I feel he also must be told, for all of the reasons you so painfully outlined in your message to me, so I guess that is my next plan of attack. My father has said some inapproprite things in the presence of my nephew, so this must be factored into it.

Thank you again for your help, and your kind words.