Hello. I'm new to MB but have been reading threads in the Surviving An Affair section for a few weeks now and got lots of good advice. After my wifes second EA in one year (which has recently become a PA) I have decided there is really no way to save this marriage.

After confronting my WW with the evidence I had detailing her affairs (some of wich was obtained illegaly) she flipped. She told me she wanted a divorce and she wanted me out of the house immediately. She claims we are now seperated and she will continue to see the OM if she wants. Even though I am fully committed to working through this for the sake of our daughter she has made up her mind. No discussion.

I understand she is angry and embarassed but so am I! Can she legally make me leave my house while she continues with her adulterous life. I have refused to leave because we rent our house from my mother and she is the one who caused this situation. I don't drink, do drugs, or abuse my family. What grounds does she have for my removal? We are basically seperated now but living under the same roof. It's very awkward and uncomfotable for both of us but I am not going to leave.

Also I am the only one working now and she is completely dependant on me financially. She is visiting her boyfriend as I write this and I am paying for the gas (he lives 90 miles away)and probably their food,etc since the OM is unemployed! Her coldness and utter disregard for my feelings has made me realize that reconciling with her is probably not an option.

We have been together off and on for 17 years and finally got married six years ago. We split up 8 years ago after she cheated on me with someone else. This guy got her addicted to meth and got her pregnant. After learning this I told her she could stay with me while she was pregnant so she could be safe and away from the drugs. She has been clean ever since. The biological father wanted nothing to do with the baby and continued using drugs. After making some serious threats towards her and the baby, I ran him off and committed to take care of her and her baby. Although I never legally adopted our daughter I am the only father she has ever known and I wouldn't love her any more if she was my biological child. Some people view me as the most caring and selfless guy ever, and others see me as the biggest chump in the world. You be the judge, as for me, I'm feeling like the latter.

There is much more to this but I will be typing all day. I haven't been the best husband over the last few years by any means but I really never saw this coming. We just survived a very rough year after losing my job at the same time the economy was collapsing and was unable to find work. I've been working for the last 4 months though and was feeling very optimistic about our life together. This came out of nowhere. She claims she has nowhere else to live and wants our daughter to finish out the school year before she moves ( apparently closer to the OM). She feels I should move in with my mother or agree to a seperation and live peacefully with her while she continues her relationship with OM. Any thoughts?

MJP, I am very sorry you are here. I would strongly suggest you do not move. Let her move out and don't allow her to take your daughter. Moving out is viewed as abandonment by many courts. It also exposes children to a great risk of molestation and abuse.

My suggestion would be to contact a lawyer and see if you can get her out legally. Protect your bank accounts and credit cards today so she doesnt plunder your accounts.

If it were me, I would change the locks and not allow her back in the house. She is shockingly abusive by carrying on her affair in front of you and your DD.

Secondly, I would expose the affair everywhere. Tell everyone, her parents, your parents, friends, family. It sounds like she is a serial cheater who is committed to a destructive lifestyle, so I doubt she will care, but having others know will equip them to protect themselves from her.

"Separation" is not a justification for adultery. Nor are you separated. Moving into the guest room is not a "separation." That is silly.

She wants you to be "her friend" and allow her to "peacefully" bend over while she sticks it to you and your daughter. She doesn't want to have to bother with your screams while she treats you cruelly. You will be enabling her if you cooperate. It would be like handing a loaded pistol to a suicidal person. Don't help her be bad, my friend. Help her face the consequences of her cruel, inhumane behavior by not cooperating.

Change the locks and clean out your bank accounts so she can't touch your money. Let the OM support her. That will cripple the affair in no time.

Does your mother know about her adultery? Your mother, as the home owner, might be able to get her out if you can't.

ML, I completely agree with you. I have suggested that she move in with OM and let him support her. As cruel as she has been though, I do still love her and want salvage our marriage. I'm afraid to do anything to extreme because I'm afraid of ruining any chance of a reconciliation even though deep down I know it's probably best to move on. I have threatened to do many of the things you suggest but she claims I have no legal right to. Granted she's no legal expert I have to agree with her. I have no legal rights to our daughter because technically I am her step father.

Mip72,
Sorry you are here. You need to do what Mel recommends about exposure. You can read more about in the Newsletter Forum. This will be your first step in impacting ending A. You have the power because you support her (at the same time enable the A). You can make it difficult for her to carry on A and the people who love you will help and support your efforts to put pressure on the affair. Yes, you need to definately speak to a lawyer to protect you, DD and assets.

Gg

That is too bad about your DD, because her mother is a danger to her. Even so, you have to protect yourself financially and legally so i would cut off her money now and try to get her to move out. Moving out will kill the affair faster than anything and perhaps wake her up. Keeping her there and enabling her like you are only FUELS the affair. You are essentially facilitating her affair.

You ruin any chance of "reconciliation" by enabling her affair and keeping it secret. [I put the word "reconciliation" in quotes because you are not UN conciled; you are not even separated, your wife just moved in the guest room and is gaslighting and manipulating you] Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will be the most potent weapon you have. The affair should be exposed everywhere to everyone. It is best to do it all on the same day so it has a tsunami effect on the adulterers and prevents them from pre-empting you.

I don't care what a fogged out adulterer says. What matters are your needs. This is why I would cut off the money NOW and contact an attorney ASAP to get her out. But first try and get your mother to eject her since it is her house. You cannot lose by getting her out. At best it may be the thing that wakes up your wife, at worst, it protects you from her continuing abuse. Waywards who are allowed to abuse their spouses as yours is tend to have unrealistic expectations of entitlement. That is what has happened with your wife.

You are not "separated" or divorced so I would suggest having this thread moved over to Surviving an Affair. Just click on the notify button and ask the mods to move it for you.

p.s. I would tell the daughter about the affair too. She needs to know the truth about her mother before her mother has a chance to screw up her mind by teaching her that wrong is right.

Cant you get custody of this child since you have raised her?

Thanks for the advice. I will contact an attorney to find out exactly what my rights are especially concerning my daughter. I will not continue to finance her affair. Actually I refused to give her money for this trip to see OM and she ended up exchanging one of our daughter's Christmas presents for something much less expensive and pocketing the change. Despicable.

What a b..ch. Make sure you log everything she does - this may come in handy if you end up D. Tell her she needs to get a job and start supporting herself - you will no longer support her A.

Gg

MJP, expose this affair everywhere. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping her dirty secret only enables her. And most especially, your daughter needs to know the truth and she needs MORAL GUIDANCE. If you don't tell her the truth, you leave her vulnerable to her mothers lies. Don't condemn her to a life of moral confusion at the hnads of her corrupt mother. She needs all the help and protection she can get.

Mjp, I strongly suggest you listen to and so what Melody suggests. I was in very much the same situation as you and she (and a lot of other great MB 'pros') have helped me keep my sanity and sanctuary. My WW was the prototypical 'cake eater' (wanting her cake and eating it, too). She wanted me to be 'mutually respectful' to her while she lived at home and conducted her affair with MY KNOWLEDGE.

Melody and Co. helped me put a quick end to that. I will probably wind up in this forum when all is said and done, but for now, I'd say you should move to SAA and let the wiser, saner heads prevail. For you and for your family.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're here joining us...

My mother does know about the A. I'm sure she will help me in any way to get her out of the house. If she can be evicted she may still have 30 days to leave but that's a start. I have considered exposing the A to her family and I have talked to several of her friends. So far everyone I've talked to is completely on my side.

Unfortunately she has already told many slanderous lies about me and our relationship to the OM to get sympathy from him and somehow justify what she is doing, I'm sure she will do the same when her friends confront her about it. Thankfully the people closest to us and know our situation and her history will know better. I know her family will be on my side. My daughter is only six and I don't know if she can really understand the situation so I'm not sure how to handle that yet.

MJP, I would call all influential ppl in your lives and tell them the true story about the affair. Sure, your will spin the truth but many will believe you and will support your marriage. Ask them for their advice and to use their influence to persuade your wife to end her filthy affair.

You sir, need to follow the advice here carefully.

You have more at risk, because of the relationship with your DD.
You need to STOP buying your W an affair.

No cel phone,
No car
No gas
No "free" place to live
No lunch money for the OM or your WW.

TELL EVERYONE. make is short and sweet and to the point, keep the details out, and say you want to fix the marriage and would like positive help.

This may sound fierce, but only by showing a strong position do you have any hope of saving this M.

MJP
Sorry to hear about your situation. You have come to the right place if there is any chance of recovery you will find it here.

I am curious to hear more about your circumstance. You say the daughter is not yours.
1)How long have you been married?
2)How many times has your wife been married (how long?)
3)Is this your first marriage?
4)How did she meet OM?
5)What are your ages?
6) How old is the daughter?

Thanks Mel, I will take your advice and begin exposing her affair to as many people as I can starting with her family and closest friends. OM is single but I am in contact with some of his friends via Facebook (where this whole mess started). I'm sure they would be interested to know what a lowlife p.o.s. he is.

BCboy, we have been married almost six years but have been together off and on for over 17 years. I'm 37,she's 36 and this is the first marriage for both of us. The circumstances regarding our daughter is detailed in my original post. She is six. The OM went to our HS but is a couple of years older. They began talking on facebook.