My original posts from months ago were lost. So here it is again:
met when we were 16, I fell deeply he did not. We both went to diff colleges but I kept the relationship going with some help on his part. Married now 21 yrs. 4 children: dd 15, triplet 10 y/o boys. S did not want triplets, wanted to reduce-I couldnt. Life has not been easy due to this decision but I would never change it. While pregnant, my mom got cancer and slowly died in front of me. It took 2 years and so the first 2 yrs of boys life is a fog. I went into depression. 2001 He had ea w very young and engages secy, with kissing which I found out @ accid online. I then start to realize many inapprop relationships with other women he "needs" for client purposes. We have always had financial issues even though he makes ALOT of $, we both spend more than we have.

I insisted we move across country to a diff office to get away from her, shes threatening sex harass lawsuit. He agrees. (One mc says I should move (so I do) and tells him he can keep cheating, just dont get caught!) I move with kids, he shows up after much feet dragging 6 months later. Honeymoon phase, we buy house, things go well for awhile, then start to slip so I snoop and I find out about a secret email and another ea. fast forward to last march, I start snooping, notice more inapprop beh and get upset. He hates the snooping. I work pt, for @ 3 yrs but our babysitter cant work anymore and Im thinking we will get d so I quit.

I make a false identity on ashleymadison and he sets up to meet "her" on a bus trip, even though "she" is married and a stripper! I flip, he admits he has had 3 one nt stands on bus trips in past 2 yrs(by his acct). We go to mc again (@ 6th diff mc in 21 yrs). We cont to fight horribly, he says the fog stuff like ilybnilwy etc and he moves out. I lose my mind sort of, find mb and do plan a, talk to sh, have him talk to sh, then plan b. He immed moves back in.

We go thru honeymoon phase, we do all the work on en and lb and 15 hrs for @ 2 wks. I gave him a list of things I needed to feel safe (see my other post) and he does opposite on a bunch, I email it again, no progress.
Now because he did the opposite (met with women 2x alone w/o my agreement), still split bank accts, he goes on mult bus trips w/o me) I'm having trouble w/trust. We go thru REALLY rough spot where my depression is WAY BAD. He plans a surf trip to cabo w/guy friends but doesnt tell me about it until a couple of weeks before. (we had discussed it in vague terms months before but nothing serious). I get upset, re email list,he does a few: wears his ring and finally says I can look at his emails but says he hates it, agrees to rest unwillingly I'm thinking so he can go on trip. He still does not do all.

He didn't go, he's mad and I'm sad. He says doesnt want to spend more $ on mc. I think he just wants to do no work on m and have everything be wonderful. Advice?

Should this be recovery link?

This wknd he has been making me pay for the fact that he didn't go to cabo by coming and going with/without children and not telling me where he is going, ignoring me etc. He went out tonite while a boy I dont know showed up to hang with my dd 15. He told my dd he left to "go listen to music". I am so mad and we've already had one police incident and I can just imagine another one will end very badly. He has destroyed my life over and over and he has damaged my childrens' lives over and over. How do I get off this ride???? How do I become strong enough?

No, you are nowhere near recovery. You are still struggling.

I have thoughts on this, but I think you need to decide what YOU want to do, and then proceed to do it.

God Bless,

JL

I would like to have a happy stable marriage that lasts a lifetime. We have a lot of fun together and enjoy many of the same things. His IB's and his long hours at work are very difficult for me.

I would like for him to have some idea of all of the pain that has resulted from his behavior, but so far, he doesn't get it. I dont see any remorse at all. I begged him to come on MB and read forums hoping that would help and he spent @ an hour but said he didnt get anything from it.

My next step will be insisting? on going to the next MB wknds together. What do you think?

@aroundandaround: Your list was HUGE. Others told you it was "reasonable"... and I'm calling that very bad advice. Remember Dr. Harley's rules for a successful marriage:

* Protection. When he goes off and does things without you, he's not Protecting you from being the source of your unhappiness due to his independent behavior.

* Care. You need him to meet your most important emotional needs, which right now the top 3 seem to be Openness & Honesty, Conversation, and probably Affection. He's clearly not meeting them.

* Time. 15 hours is a bare minimum for a relationship that's already healthy. In a marriage where there's a history of abuse of alone-time, you should bump this up to THIRTY hours a week or more of undivided attention.

* Honesty. When he doesn't reveal his plans to you, he's not living Honesty. When he carries on affectionate email exchanges, he's being dishonest with you. He should reveal as much as he knows about himself, his plans, his history, and his daily activities as he knows.

* POJA. When he doesn't negotiate life-changing things with you, that's ignoring POJA. The rule is "Never do ANYTHING without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse". There's a reason it's worded that way!

* Exclusive needs-meeting. When he has guy-buddies meet his recreational needs, or has sex with other women, he's not allowing you to meet the four Intimate Emotional Needs: Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Intimate Conversation, and Affection.


THAT is the message you should be sending. Care. Protection. Time. Honesty. POJA. Exclusive meeting of intimate needs.

And he's a serial adulterer at this point. If you still want to save the marriage after all this wayward crap he's pulled, you really ought to look at the Accountability options the Harleys propose, in addition to or instead of counseling:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

Oh, and remember that every wayward hates snooping because it EXPOSES their SECRECY. Dr. Harley's two exceptions to Radical Honesty are:

1. Your snooping techniques, indefinitely, if infidelity is discovered, and
2. Your plans to expose the ongoing infidelity. Talk about exposure after you do it, not before.