I haven't posted here since before the big CRASH and my name is different now (I used to be Mrs.???) and I don't want to go through my whole story again but I would like some feedback to a specific dilema/situation/ that is a real possibility.

As short as I can: Married 15 years. I'm 54. He's 50. I discovered WH's long distance affair in August. He didn't deny, said he was in love like he'd never been in love, that I hadn't loved him for years, our relationship had been over for years, blah blah blah. Didn't want to end relationship with OW but wanted to stay married to me. Few weeks passed. I asked him to move out. He didn't. I BEGGED him to move out. He did. I was ready to move forward with D, gathered info I needed, he was willing too. Then I decided why push it? I'm not the one who betrayed the marriage. I don't need to be divorced so I've done nothing to move forward with it. Neither has he.

The OW lives 800 miles away and they've managed to get together 5 times in 5 months. We have two sons (14 & 12). The older has Down syndrome and is diabetic. He will always need our care and will probably always live with one of us. I have not Plan "B'd" my WH because he has to come to the house each day to get DS ready for school and give him his insulin. I work from 4 AM to noon. (Please no comments on this. No, I couldn't change my schedule, no there's no family anywhere within 600 miles ... no, no friends to do what my husband is doing with the diabetic care). It's my choice and his choice. I want him in the boys' lives as often as possible.

WH and I have gotten along well for the past two months. In a sense, I have been in Plan A. I understand that I am possibly feeding a cake eater but no contact is not possible so I'm nice, although not overly accomodating.

I believe my WH would continue along this path for months to come. He has his family close by and can plan and anticipate his rendezvous with the love of his life. I think the anticipation is probably almost as exciting as their actual times together. But now I think she is pushing him to move those 800 miles to live with her and her teenaged son. Now, WH has a job interview in that city and it's a very good and prestigous job should he get it. He's shared all of this with me and I asked him whether he was torn over the idea of leaving his children behind. He said that yes, he was very torn but that he was "repressing" those thoughts.

Finally, here's my question. If he gets this job, can I ask him not to take it? Can I or should I voice my concerns that he'd be giving up every day contact with his sons for two or three times a year visits? Back when the A was revealed he told me that he could never, ever, never leave his boys and that it was "inconceivable" to him that he'd even, ever consider doing so. Do I remind him of that? He loves those kids like no tomorrow. He's a good Dad who might make an awful decision. How much do I say?

There was another time, about a month ago, when I asked him how he could ever think of moving to where she is. He said, with a smile, "Well, you and the boys would have to move up there too. I'll get you a job." He was only half kidding, I think. That would be his dream scenario ... one big happy family. UGH.

I could use some perspective, please.

First, I can relate to the stress of having a child with disabilities. My son has Down's and autism, although I think the autism may actually be fetal alcohol syndrome as I recently discovered his mom was drinking heavily while she carried him.
I divorced my serial cheating XW and, soon thereafter, she got sober and , for the first time in years, actually began helping with the care of our two sons. I remained very actively involved and we shared custody.
Your h is acutely aware of what moving means in terms of his relationship with his kids. I understand that you want to be an advocate for your kids and want to convey to your cheating husband that his decison affects them , profoundly.
Assuming he is of normal intelligence, he already knows this, though. His desire to continue cheating is pushing these thoughts out of his mind, just as it is pushing the entire morality issue out.
They say trying to educate these broken souls is futile. Thye are just so messed up that nothing you say to them gets through.
I'd consider writng a letter outlining your concerns re the effect on the kids. I don't think this will neccessarily dissuade him, but there is a shot. It will serve to document your attempt to advocatre on behalf of your kids in the event that he rewrites history down the road and tries to sell the proposition that you were fine with this and it was a mutually agreed upon course of action.
Seems many of these WSs do this rewriting and, they actually can convince themselves of the accuracy.

I think you should expose to the potential employers. They should be made aware BEFORE they make an offer and hire someone for such a pretigious position that isn't currently morally or ethically capable of handling the position.

Whomever the next best candidate is would surely do a better job than a fogged out family abandoning wayward spouse.

You'll be doing them a favor and yourself in the process. You see...he NEEDS the high profile lucrative position in order to justify leaving you behind (or coercing you to move). He CAN'T up and go just for the woman as that apparently offends what's left of his conscience.

Expose...but keep doing what you are doing as you don't seem to have a choice but bear it...FOR NOW. It's likely the affair will fizzle on it's own as the OW doesn't get what she wants and realizes she is not your WH's priority. As part of your Plan A I'd make your presence known as much as possible when he's on the phone with her or whatever. Attack her insecurities and since she knows your WH is a liar (since she's participated in all the lies he's told you) she WILL get more jealous and suspicious that, perhaps, he's lying to her as well.

Mr. Wondering

Not a bad idea, notifying those contemplating hiring him. Hopefully, at some point, if he has any decency, hewill realize what a jerk he is.
My first Wife since she was now doing a lounge singer she met in a bar in Brainerd , Mn., made the pronouncement that she intended to leave Minneapolis and move to Brainerd with our kids. She did this in front of our boys(who barely knew her at that point, she'd been gone so much). I told her to pound sand and that i would never allow this. Her sister told me she would testify against her in court and help me get full custody.
The crazed Ww went ballistic and started sweraing at me like a sailor in front of our toddlers. We ignored her and she slunk off into the basement to sleep her latest drunk off.

You need to see a lawyer and see what your rights are. YOu have a kids who is challenged and I am sure there must be a way you H has to be accountable for it.
He can't just decide about your life and expect that you and your kids rotate around his A and relocation to his lover!
Your situation is very difficult but if you allow your H to spin you around you are not looking for the best solution.
Please find out what your rights are.
blessing

Another thought on this...

I think this is the lie he's stringing OW along with. This whole job search in her town scenario is a delay tactic your WH is using ON OW and OW thinks that your WH is somehow going to make you move out there too. He's probably told OW you are already on board IF he gets this awesome job.

He hasn't actually decided as that's not what waywards do. In order to get the good fix from their affair partner they avoid any and all conflict. They don't like their affair partner to be jealous or insecure so they say and do anything to DELAY such fears so that they, in return, can get the really good and juicy affair fixes.

The problem you have is this job he's been pursuing to appease OW is actually a great opportunity for him that he, foggy as he is, might very well use as THE rationalization and jusfication for taking off on you and the kids. He may very well believe he has no choice as, at his age, these opportunities don't present themselves very often. He'll make this all about the job and YOU not supporting him and his career. He'll THINK that eventually you'll follow him out there as you HAVE to have support for your disable child.

Call AND write a letter to the potential employer on behalf of yourself AND your children. Direct the letter to human resources or whomever is making this hiring decision, the head of that department and CC and President and Vice President you can find. Post the proposed letter here for comment.

Don't allow him to make this about the job.

Mr. Wondering

I agree you may have legal recourse, as well. He has an equal obligation to physically care for his children. If he leaves and you have to hire replacement services, that should be factored in over and above standard child support.

I appreciate the responses so far. Zelmo, your first response, in particular, puts my mind at ease that I don't have to reiterate what he already knows.

I feel I need to add some more information. My husband is already paying child support and has since we separated. He also knows and has readily agreed to paying child support for as long as DS1 lives. It won't stop at age 21. I don't question him abandoning his fiscal responsibilities. It's the emotional, physical abandoment that concerns me. If my husband moves to that city to be with OW, my sons and I will be OK. Younger son now knows how to test blood sugar and give insulin. And I wouldn't be asking my husband to stay here to save our marriage. I'm not really interested in trying to save it. He is a long, long way from the break-up of this relationship with her. They're still gaga over each other and acting like they're seventeen again. (They dated in high school).

My debate with myself over whether or not I should talk to him lies in wondering whether I need to provide some balance to whatever OW is saying to him. I'm sure she's saying things like "It will be so wonderful when your boys and my boy get together. They'll be such great friends" and "Won't it be great to do fun things with your boys when they come to visit?" and "Oooooh, I can't wait to meet them. I'm sure they're both as sweet as you, honey bunch!"

I'm not going to contact the company. It's not in me to ruin him professionally and again, I'm not trying to save the marriage. I'm asking if I should raise the subject that our sons, not having their father in their lives, will affect who they are and who they become. But, I think you're right, Zelmo, he already knows this.

I suspect he is going through great angst over this and Mr. Wondering, I agree that he is stringing OW along (and himself as well, if that makes sense). They made some kind of pact or promise that they would be together in a year so he has to show he's doing his part to make it happen.

My WH is living two separate lives. He is one person with her, another person with me and our children. I recently applied for a job here that I interviewed for but determined wasn't a good fit for me, even though it paid more money than my husband or I make. He told me he might apply for it. I said, "Why would you apply for a job here when you plan on moving to "OW's city?" He paused before saying, "Well, I could always quit." But, I swear, in that pause, it was as though he forgot about his plans because that's the other WH not the WH who was with me.

For any former WWs or WHs who might be readeing this, did you come out of your fog gradually or were you knocked out of it by something specific?

You sound level headed. Having been through this, the disabled child deal, I read a lot on it. Seems an extremely high % of marriages end in divorce when there is a disabled child. I know for a fact that my XWW, with as low a tolerance for stress and imperfection as she has(despite being about the most imperfect person I know_ironic)was looking for an escape from her resposnibilities to our son(maybe the guilt from her drinking during pregnacny was a factor, as well).
This has no bearing on your H's cheating, but I should tell you that at age 18, my son began recieving SSDI and other county assistance which took away child support obligations.
In any case, I bet you almost anything that your H's affair lasts less than a couple years. There will be way too much stress on it with the kids issues and his guilt etc. Whether you want ot wait and whether he is worth it are your decisions.
If you want to attempt to bust the affair(never a bad idea, regardelss of reconciliation intentions, IMO, as it gets a known cheater, the OW, out of your kids' lives). do the massive exposure deal. Kids included. His family and all your friends.
I finessed it, so as not to appear too nuts. I directly told my kids and my XW's family. But, with friends, I simply worked it into the converstaions if it was a well known, fully accepted fact in the community.
When they would express surprise, I would feign surprise myself, stating that I simply assumed they knew as there was no question about it and everyone else did.
Makes you look relatively sane and not vengeful when disclosing, IMO.

I also wanted to add that having a child with Down Syndrome has been about the biggest single blessing I have ever had in my life. I cannot believe how much this changed me for the better. Your husband is missing out on an incredible expierience if he leaves.
It was/is tough, sometines. Multiple major surgeries, sleepless nights spent nebulizing to ward of the ever present pneumonias(pre-heart surgery), looking for a group home while your friends are out visiting colleges with their kids.
But, my son is the sweetest, gentlest, guileless person I know and he loves unconditionally.
Your H needs to think about what he is doing by running away. He will regret it.

Zelmo, my husband adores both of our sons. ADORES THEM. Having a child with Down syndrome had aboslutely nothing to do with his straying. According to him (and a thousand other husbands) "It just happened. I didn't go looking for it."

If anything, having a child with Down syndrome (who's 14) is what will make it even harder for my husband to move away if that's what he chooses. That's another reason why I wrote here; wondering how strong the pull or addiction must be to rip a man from the family he loves.

These things do not "just happen" IMO. Reva. Folks go looking and premeditate these affairs.

If your H is so devoted to his kids, why would he cheat and contemplate leaving them. See, the actios are not lining up with the claimed devotion.

It's one of the lessons I have learned through all of this. Look at actions not words for the truth.

Yes you should and it is overdue IMO. It is obvious to you, me and others but don't forget a WS is brain dead to reality while in the A. WH may shrug it off or it may weigh on him if he never thought of it before.

I've decided I'm going to call WH today. He's driving the 800 miles to see OW and his job interview is tomorrow morning.

I made a comment to him recently, with a smile, that I hoped he'd get the job because it would surely pay more more which would mean more child support which would lessen financial woes. It was a joke; a joke that I now see came from my own denial of not wanting to deal with the possibility that he might really move far away. I feel like I need to tell him that I don't support the idea of him moving away; that despite my own desire to be independent; I need him here to help raise our boys and that they need him here to be their Dad.

For the past two weeks I have been sick with a couple of different ailments that had me in bed for a few days and really unable to properly care for the kids. (I could have if I absolutely had to) I was so grateful to have WH there to take the kids to his apartment so I could concentrate on getting better. If he moves away, I don't know what I'd do in any emergency. I don't have friends who are close enough that I could ask them to take the boys, and certainly no one who could handle the diabetes.

So, yes, I'll be talking to my WH today as he drives to be with OW. Any other suggestions?

I hope he listens and realizes he is shirking his responsibility. I think you should try to remain calm and rational. Do the kids know of his plans?

Zelmo, I told my 12 year-old that his Dad was going to interview for a job far away and I wish I hadn't. He immediately had a lot of questions about how things would work and expressed to me that it was too much pressure on him to take care of his brother in terms of his blood sugar monitoring and insulin dosing. I told him that it was too soon to worry about this, as we don't know whether his Dad would get the job. He's right, though. It would be a lot more responsibility for him and that makes me sad, that he has to take on so much more than he's ready for because his Dad might abandon him. Sometimes I find myself, still, just dumbfounded over what has occured and it stops me cold. We were a (for the most part) happy family five months ago. Now? Shattered.

As for my other son, the one with Downs, he won't understand completely if WH moves away. He loves going to his Dad's apartment and spending the night with him. It will do damage to him that I can't even imagine. He can't fully express his feelings although I certainly can read him pretty well. But, well, I just don't know what his father's absence in his life will mean.

I'm scared because this is all coming to a head now.

You know, Reva, I understand this concept of "fog" or whatever these cheaters expierience. But, seriousl, I have a very difficult time understanding how it could be so powerful so as to overide one's feeling for one's kids.
But, I saw it first hand, myself , in my first marriage. We had two young boys, the older one with Down's and autism and all the associated health problems, heart defect, gastric problem that required surgery, serial pneumonias.
I still cannot grok how my XW was able to absent herself almost every night such that the boys barely knew her. It truly made me lose all respect for her.
Can you talk to his siblings or parents or someone that may get through to him , as well?
It is so sad he is willing to lay this responsibility on his 12 year old son. I think you should disclose your boy's concern to him. It is crazy to think he can leave you guys behind to shoulder all the work. But, my XW did this, as well.

Well, I talked to WH a few hours ago, as he drove toward OW and job interview. I asked him if he had truly considered what he'd do if he was offered the job. He said, "I'd take it." I asked him if he had thought about the ramifications of doing that and how he felt about leaving his sons behind.

He said, "I don't think I'm leaving them."
I said, "Then what do you think you're doing if you move 800 miles away? Isn't that leaving your sons?"
He said, "It's not leaving. I'll visit them like twice a year and I hope they can visit me twice a year and I'll talk to them on the phone."

I have to tell you all, if someone had told me a year ago that someday my husband would tell me he was leaving his children to go be with some woman I'd have bet a million dollars it could never happen...and consider it easily won money.

Visit them TWICE a year?!?!?!??! He's managed to see OW 5 times in the 5 months since D-Day but he only wants to visit his own flesh and blood TWICE A YEAR??!!! I wasn't kidding above when I said this man ADORES HIS KIDS. So, can anyone explain to me why this is the way he behaves now?

I know, it's the fog. Frankly, I can take the crap he's spewed at me about how I didn't love him and he didn't feel he was violating our marriage by having an affair and how in love he is and all that, but for him to consider visiting our sons twice a year as NOT LEAVING THEM?

Please, someone tell me a story about someone in the "FOG" who did something or said something equally or more shocking.

And someone please assure me that once/if he comes out of this fog he'll regret what he's done to his children.

Your WH is running away. He is his only concern. It is sad but it is what it is. He may be lying to himself or he may truly believe this but either way you do what you have to for yourself and your boys. If he will not be around, look at shoring up a support system of friends and family. It is unfair and sucky. He may never get his head out his butt.