Hi,

Just looking for some insight, support, etc. My husband had an online affair a little over a year ago. Mine did too....actually he did "three" and "four" involving 4 D-Days over 6 months in 2006.

Luckily, I caught it by accident before it became physical. My FWH and his OW never even met each other (she lives across the country) but neither of us knew about withdrawal symptoms. We didn't know about exposure or writing a no contact (NC) letter.

I never dreamed it could happen to us. Neither did we.
We'll be celebrating (?) 5 yrs this yr and have a 2yr old daughter. We were detached in a highly dysfunctional relationship for over 30 years. Then I gave up and he got lonely after 2 years which is partially what contributed to his E/PA (they had cyber and email sex so even though they never met in person, technically it WAS also a physical affair).

When he told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore, I gave him an ultimatum: her or us. Thankfully, he chose to work on our marriage. What exactly did you do to "work" on your marriage?

Things were better for a while after he broke it off, but he's fallen back into the old habits that got him there in the first place. Unless you address the root of your issues, they will linger under the surface forever. This site will help you identify how you can fix your broken foundation so the symptoms will gradually become your testimony of what you've overcome.

He is addicted to the internet (though he refuses to admit it) and until last week when my mother intervened, he refused to give up any of his internet time. Now he's slowly getting back on the net at night and when I'm not home. I've threatened to cut it off but he's in school and needs it for research projects. Threatening and fighting him regarding his addiction will be a lost cause.

He is constantly lying for no reason at all and tries to hide things from me (i.e., money, secrets). My rose-colored glasses fell off after our daughter was born, and now I am amazed at how selfish and lazy he really is. He puts his needs first instead of ours. There is hope for you but it will be a lot of work. You might read all the articles on this site and possibly call the counseling center to help you get a plan.

Dump on me - fine; dump on our daughter - no way! Unfortunately, when he dumps on you, he indirectly (and possibly directly) dumps on your daughter, too.

My entire family told me he was this way but I always defended him. Now I see clearly. You'll have to decide if this relationship is worth saving. It seems to me like it is. But it depends on how hard you and he are willing to work and how many setbacks you're able to endure. The 4 MB promises (Care, Protection, Honesty, Time) along with the Love Bank and Lovebuster concepts related to you individual EN's (emotional needs) will help you begin to change the dynamics of your relationship.

We've been to marriage counseling and it seemed to help for a while, but we are finding ourselves in the same old rut. I've done Love Languages, Love Dare and read marriage self-help books extensively. I never thought I'd get to this point, but I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of trying and I don't know if I even want to try anymore. I know how you feel.....I got tired of trying after 30+ years. Most counselor have no clue how to help couples overcome infidelity. But after making one last effort to change (both he and me) we are now recovering and experiencing the marriage of our dreams. (Our story is linked to my sig line.)

I don't really want a divorce, but now I'm wondering if our daughter will suffer if I stay in the marriage and she learns his bad habits... If you are willing to work hard and your spouse chooses to work with you, you can fix your marriage (including his bad habits...and possibly a few of yours you may not be aware of) so that you and your daughter will benefit from your intact marriage.

Help?! Thank you!

he refused to give up any of his internet time.

Thanks, Ace - I definitely have a lot of reading to do.

The huge chunk of my working on our marriage is maintaining healthy boundaries between me and my mom. She leaned on me very hard when she and my dad divorced a few years ago. (Another saga in and of itself). This led to what our therapist called triangulation, where I was caught in the middle. I had to re-learn a healthy way to communicate with her, which involves a lot of restraint about what I tell her. We are still close, however and when I get frustrated, she is often the person I speak to about our problems. Maybe not a good idea, but she's my mom, after all.

My suggestion: Vent here instead of to your Mom. That might help you with your efforts to establish healthy boundaries and exercise restraint.

Another thing I work on is not calling names or saying hurtful things when I get frustrated and mad with him. He rarely responds to my requests for help at home, meeting my needs, etc. This is difficult for me, as I remind him, remind again and again, and finally blow up at him because he writes me off all the time. I refuse to nag and half the time I just give up, but I build resentment every time that happens. I've tried every approach I can think of, but the light bulb never seems to go off with him. It just makes me feel like his wants and needs are #1... and forget everyone else.

You can't change him, Laur. You can only control yourself. If you focus on the changes YOU need to make in yourself, your H might choose to change himself, too. That's what happened in our case.

I don't think we have found the root of the issue yet. I would like to see our marriage repaired, but I don't know if he can change his behavior. I'm scared that this IS him, the person I married. According to my family, it is. They told me that they don't want to hurt me, but they feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable and need to get out before our daughter is much older.

You might need to exercise restraint and healthy boundaries with your family too. You're right....your H IS HIM today. But that doesn't mean that he can't be different tomorrow. I thought the same thing as you for 30+ years (and was looking for a way out of our M). But when my H became a WH, and I had that way out, I CHANGED! Gradually, HE is changing now, too.

Thanks for the encouragement!

I'm going to give this my all and ask him to do the same. I know there are areas where I can improve, and I certainly don't feel as hopeless as I did a couple of days ago about the situation in general.

Remember that you may be able to ask him to give it his all but you may set yourself up for a setback if you have high expectations for him to do the same and he balks.

I've asked him 3 times this weekend to read the summary and do the questionnaire... he hasn't yet.

Furthermore, he told me yesterday that the couple who he made friends with on Street Racing are MOVING HERE from another state, 10 hrs away. This couple sounds like trouble. They both sit on their tails all day and play computer games... unemployed and on Medicaid.

*SIGH*