Okay, I'll admit it - I am an extremely analytical person. I've always been one to pick things apart to see how they work. Research is a hobby of mine.

Having said that:
H and I are doing very well in R. We're spending tons of time together, meeting needs, O&H, etc. It's been good.

I am at a point now where I'm not asking so much the "How could this have happened to us?" It's become a little less personal to me, and I'm looking now at people who become involved in A's in general. Specifically "How, in the face of looming disaster and at the risk of losing so much, would a person begin and continue an A?" If a person realizes that they are in danger of losing their marriage, their job, their reputation, lifestyle, etc., why would they continue to blunder forward in an A? What makes that person tick? Because that was my H. He knew he was going to be exposed, he knew the OWH was going to tell his employer and me, and yet he continued. And when exposure happened, he expressed relief that it had because he didn't know how to end it himself.

This is totally illogical to me. I would think self-preservation would override just about anything. I always thought people were wired that way. That was a revelation.

So I started researching and sort of stumbled over histrionic personality disorder, and it fits my H to a "T". People with this disorder have an unhealthy desire for attention, and to be the center of attention. I wonder just how many WS's are disordered this way?

Here's a link if anyone is interested:
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx17.htm

GO is definitely NOT one of these people. He doesn't like to call attention to himself in most situations. When he served in our church, he often chose to perform duties that received little or no praise, but needed done. It is interesting that he credits the attention and affirmation from the OW as what drew him to her, though.

MB,

I think you are overanlayzing it. Wayturds are just victims to their own addiction. You could say the same thing about alcoholics or crack addicts. How could they risk everything for a drink or a hit? It's not logical to those of us without these addictions. Not to say that some wayturds don't actually have PD's because I'm sure there are some that do. But in general, I think it's plain old addiction causing them to drive their lives into a ditch.

Mindshare

Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone's told me I overanalyze!
I think much of what you're saying is absolutely correct. But what I'm saying is that, in my sitch, my H seems very much to fit the type. And the attention is his addiction.

I think that many many (most) waywards are suffering from the disorder of selfishness, immaturity, callousness, and general stupidity. Which not a disorder, but more of a flaw - whether permanent or temporary. Some people just go through idiotic times, cross boundaries, or just aren't all that great to begin with. I am not all that certain that our society's habit of labeling every bad choice, abherrant behavior, or weird thought as some psychiatric illness or disability. Sometimes people just need to straighten up, get a grip, and experiance a good kick in the butt.

Only problem for us is that he is like a bucket with a hole in it. I can admire til the cows come home, and he still looks for more. If he asks if his outfit looks alright and I tell him he needs a different tie he becomes upset with himself. (or do I just let him wear the paisley tie with the plaid shirt and hope no one notices?) Any any words of improving him cause him anguish. It can get a little exhausting.

Not that I'm unwilling to meet this need, mind you.

:::rubbing head::: Ouch, Pep! Did you have to hit me on my soft spot??

I know, I know - you're absolutely right. And you are good! I'll start working harder on the creativity portion of the program...

Oh so many hobbies one can have and enjoy.

Don't make phycho-anal-y-sis of your Hubby into your hobby.....
Talk about a drag!

I'm ducking and running for cover!

*I* think MB is just missing Zelmo, the residental airchair psycho-analasis.....


not2fun

Speaking of MIA posters: whatever ever happened to Dude?

Pep is swinging the big stick today!

You do know that she is dead on.....don't you?

Quit searching for an explanation (or an excuse) for why your husband was abducted. You will never find an answer that satisfies this hunger. You need to find a way to let it go...

Yep... it is illogical. I don't know what happens to self-preservation & logic & all the other constraints. My whole life, I've always been one of the most risk-averse people I or anyone in my family knows. Except for 10 & a half weeks where I was a complete idiot in disguise. I ignored risks of getting caught & the very predictable fallout that would (and eventually did) ensue if that were to happen... dismissed signs that OW's H was on to her... shrugged off self-preservation, and my moral qualms, too, because they stood in the way of a fix I wanted.

It sure seems like "temporary insanity", except that such a "psychosis" diagnosis lets us WSs off too easy. For some of us, there are actually tiny lucid moments when you decide rather than react, while there seems to be a brief hole in the fog, in-between when you've had the last fix & when you start craving the next one, when you have a little panic attack & think "OMG, what the hell have I gotten myself into?" But the brain isn't completely clear ... the prospect of never getting that fix again is not one you want to confront just yet; and so you "reason" to yourself -- against all logic & probability -- "Well, it's gone on this long, nothing really bad has happened, there's no reason why we should necessarily get caught, we can manage it, after all, we're smart people, we can keep this discreet." So you choose to take another spin on that merry-go-round and tell yourself that you can quit anytime, and that "Someday OW & I will do like we discussed and 'end it on our own terms' so that no one'll find out & no one'll get hurt." But not just yet. Not before one last fix...

And the memory of those lucid moments comes back to smack you in the face after you've been caught, & that's where the feeling of relief comes from, for those of us who'd had sporadic thoughts of wanting to jump off the merry-go-round.

The Harley conceptualization about not having ENs met provides a logical explanation as to why someone might seek a fix, but it doesn't get at the vexing question of why someone would shift their boundaries to countenance getting that fix outside their marriage. I've yet to see any satisfying, logical explanation for that. (Anyone got one?)

I imagine any BS in a recovering M wants a satisfying, logical explanation, because you want to know, "How can I know & guarantee that this won't happen again?" The "explanation" of "My WS/FWS acted like a selfish a** for 2 & a half months" provides no such comfort for the future; you can meet all the ENs you want, but you can't conjure up any guarantee re: the boundaries. I'd sure love to be able to give TWC such a guarantee, but I can't do that today for the future, any more than I can go back in time & undo the bad crap I did in the past. All I can do is treat her well & try to keep her too busy & having a good-enough time up here on the high-wire of recovery that she won't have much time or inclination to look down & ponder that there's no safety net under us, no guarantee to be had.

For whatever it's worth, I don't think that such a guarantee exists for anyone. It's just that people on this forum are no longer blind to that fact. Maybe there's some small measure of satisfaction to be had in knowing that you're no longer walking around blind. (Cold comfort, for the subset of BSs who've been treated so badly that they go around wishing they could be blind again... I don't know what to say to them...)