My name is Jamie.
I'm a compulsive liar.
I've been in a relationship with T for just over 6 months.
We've had some incidents in the past that are still causing us grief and suffering and I could really use some advice

Me and T originally met online. I lied to him about everything. My previous sexual experiences, myself, my life, my friends, and small insignificant things as well. He eventually discovered all of these lies/I came clean to him, so that knowledge in itself caused us a lot of problems. He's told me that he wouldn't be with me today if I had been honest with him to begin with.
The biggest betrayal that happened though involved another man. I didn't cheat on him persay. We weren't in a relationship yet. We were still just chatting online. But, I had sex with a man who came from a long ways away just to hook up. When I saw this man in person, I didn't find him attractive, but I felt guilty and hooked up with him anyways. Now, I lied to T totally about this. I told him a different story about what I did that day. Of course he eventually found out.. Before I had sex with this other man, T had sent me flowers, he had been courting me relentlessly online, we had been sending long emails to each other. Things were great. I'm still not sure to this day why I had sex with that other man. I knew that I wanted to be in a relationship with T..
I also had been having cyber sex with other men while me and T were talking online. Which he also found out about eventually. I promised him that there were no other men. I betrayed him on many different levels.
He wonders to this day how I could do that to him. I wonder myself. He didn't deserve it at all. I have no idea what I can or should be doing to resolve that. Or if it can be resolved at all.

We're living together now and engaged and still have issues in regards to my compulsive lying. I'm going to counselling though and that's helping. I have been very honest for the most part for at least a month. He still doesn't believe a word I say though and I don't blame him. He also thinks I've cheated on him...which I haven't. That killed me to hear. Again though, I don't blame him.

We also have some other issues..he doesn't feel loved by me, he feels I'm not giving enough to the relationship, and our sex life has gone way downhill. He says that he just has no desire to have sex with me anymore.

Feel free to ask any questions. I have a lot more information than just what I wrote.
The main thing I want advice on is if there's anyway for us to get past the betrayal of me having sex with that other man. Or anyway I can try to resolve it. Or rebuild his trust. Anything?

Please help,

Jamie

Lemme select a few bits from your, uh, tale.


For the most part, huh. Now THAT is a classic.



I can't imagine why that wouldn't make him feel better about you.


I can understand that. What I cannot understand is why he is with you now. Uh, unless you are lying to us, of course.




I am not sure your name is Jamie. I am sure that you have some education based on your use of English in your letter of woe.

I am also sure that you have written the best troll letter I have seen in a long while.

Nice try. You made my day. And I don't believe a word you said, for some odd reason.

Larry

Read what you wrote again, as if you were a third party.
Would YOU want to date yourself?
Would YOU want to marry yourself?
Would YOU feel loved?

Read it again and pretend it is T who was having cyber sex with strangers and hooking up with strangers while you were adoring him, buying him flowers, etc. Would you feel loved? Would you want a future with that person?

My honest advice to you is to ask T to move out while you try to get yourself under control and then hopefully you can earn his trust and friendship back. You're not in a healthy place right now to be engaged, nor are you in a healthy place to be living with someone. I know you want it, but you haven't earned it. And it will never work if you only want it but haven't earned it.

Yeah Larry, it reeks of troll but I decided to give the benefit of the doubt, just in case.

I'm not a troll actually.
I'm recovering and I've been taking steps to improve myself and our relationship.
I'm well aware that I don't deserve what he's given me, but that doesn't make me any less grateful.

And as to asking him to move out, I've been living under HIS roof and just recently got a job. So, if anyone is moving out, it would have to be me.

I know I've done some terrible things and it apparently literally is unbelievable, but I just want some honest advice from people.

If you are real, then you should let this man go. Right now unless you completely change your life, you should stay away from men until you get your own life together. Learn to be honest. Quit boinking men online. Stay off the computer and get to work and save some money and make a good life for yourself. You are not ready for a relationship right now. if you are real...that is.

Turtlehead, you're a good person. Your posts are worth reading, twice, sometimes three times.

Hokay hypno, I guess you're smart enough to understand why I am put off by your post. BUT, you say yours is a plea for help.

Just in case, my advice is simple. Grow up. You have intelligence based on your writing ability. You sound young. So you have some growing up to do, right?

Compulsive means out of control. Yuk!

Look in a mirror. How do you get out of control without substance abuse? Or maybe that is one of your problems?

I am not going to pat you on the back and point to a reset button. Your situation is what it is and it is your situation to own. You own all of the consequences.

And you will continue to own all of your consequences until you adopt an honor system and live it. Worked for me.

Larry

Seems like simple advice. Now as long as I can adhere to it, I should be good :p
I know it will be a long, hard road..but, I have good intentions. T really showed me what I need to do to get through this. If only I had been able to come to those realizations myself, we could still be together.
Which brings me to the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow. We had a falling out, and he called it quits. I reluctantly accepted.
Also, you're right, I am fairly young. I'm kinda grateful that I have the chance to address these issues while I'm still young actually. It will hopefully prevent more hurt, to myself and others.
As for the substance abuse, it's not an issue. I don't abuse any substances actually. I'm fairly certain it's mainly mental and/or emotional issues.
Also, Larry, I like your idea of an honor system. I think it's a good idea to establish one and implement it. I'll put some thought into it.

Thank you for taking me seriously. I greatly appreciate it.

Reading helps. Join a local library and read. Read the "Classics." Read anything and everything except romance novels.

You can discover gems in unlikely places. Robert Heinlein said that you can lie while telling the truth by omission, telling the truth badly and some other methods. That is an example.

The basis for a hard core honor system is very, very simple. If you give your word, you must honor your word, without exception, every time, period.

Ethics, courage, morals and values define the difference between a grownup and a little kid. You choose.

Respect and trust are both earned by what you do and where you stand, not because you can eat and defecate. You choose.

Consequences, even the unintended ones, are easier to handle when character drives the decisions that created those same consequences. You choose.

Entitlement makes slaves of the true believers. You choose.

You get what you earn, not what you want. You choose.

Life is about choices, and consequences.

Larry

Thanks, Larry, those words mean a lot coming from you.

Hypno, here is pretty much what it all boils down to, for me:

How would I act if I knew EVERYONE could know what I'm doing?

Integrity is acting the way you should, whether or not anyone "knows". So EVERY thing you do, ask yourself if your behavior would be different if your relatives/friends/neighbors/respected people were watching you.

Another thing that will help: instead of focusing on the behaviors you are trying to quit, focus on every little victory. Write them down and hang them on your bathroom mirror if it helps, or jot them in a little note pad that you keep in your purse. Celebrate the little things and review them to see how far you've come. That will give you encouragement and strength to continue.

You might want to put parental controls on your own computer so you're blocked from "unsavory" websites. Any little roadblock to make you stop and think and change your behavior is a good thing. Implementing parental controls on yourself would not be a sign of weakness or that you "can't do it yourself" it would be a sign of wisdom and taking action to protect your integrity.

Thank you both of you for those posts. I didn't know it when I first started this thread, but that's exactly the kind of help I needed.
Both of you have some very good and practical ideas of things I can do. Turtlehead, I really like the idea of celebrating victories. I think I'll start that asap
I just wish it wasn't too little, too late with T. I know I'm capable of doing these things, I just didn't take action soon enough to improve myself while I was still with him. He says that he doesn't want to talk ever again or be friends or any such thing. He used to be my motivation to improve myself and my life. I feel like the only way I can get these new ideas into my life is if I keep hoping that he'll change his mind and come back and see how much I've improved. I know you don't know him like I do, but do you have any suggestions of anything I could say to him to try to instill some hope in him again?

Let T go. You are too toxic for him to be around.

Pretend you have a contagious disease and will damage those around you. YOU need to be healed first before dragging others down with you.

Focus on becoming a better person. Then someday when you are a good honest person with good morals you will meet a man who will love you. Right now you are not loveable. And you are too toxic to be in any one elses life.

Get healthy, get healed, get help and be on the road to being loveable to others again.