It is sort of an addiction I feel towards WH. It is really the same, I think, of what a WS feels about OP. The idea that the OP can't be yours all the time, that there are obstacles and that makes OP more intriguing.
It is really not healthy as it is not logical at all to love someone like WH who has hurt me so much.
I will make every effort as I now see really it is an addiction. The mind and body are addicted to a happy story which is no longer true.
blessing

I can't possibly begin to tell you how much I agree with this and how true I find it!

I am typing this from a study room in the library rather than the comfort of my own home right now because I learned a short while ago that WW was coming by to retrieve some things she left behind and that I have put on the back porch so that she can do so without me having to grant her access to the house.

Seeing her is such a painful event, and is such a major trigger for me that I have chosen to leave the house for the afternoon rather than risk seeing her -- even knowing that she is coming and could "hide" myself in a bedroom or such.

I understand that seeing her is a setback in my recovery. I'd rather get better in my life than "circle the drain" in some wishful thinking that somehow WW will "see the light" and choose to recover the marriage. In fact, just seeing the light would not be enough. She'd have to make wholesale changes, and I just don't see that happening.

So, even though she violated my IM boundary by going around it and contacting a friend (who also violated a boundary by telling me), I have chosen to keep my recovery going forward rather than tempt fate and slip.

My therapist used a good analogy. She said the difference between my logical mind knowing what was better for me and my emotional sense was like a locomotive and a caboose. My logical mind is the locomotive and my emotions are the caboose. It's just going to take some time for my caboose to catch up to where my locomotive is.

Atena, you should, if at all possible, make every effort to NOT see, bump into, glimpse, spy or otherwise get any knowledge of WH's whereabouts. It does you absolutely no good!

Fred, you did well! Good for you!
It seems that recently so many people are reporting about WH. I went to my bike shop and the guy there said he saw my WH with OW and that she dropped off WH who had to pick up his bike being serviced. The guy made comments such as: you H aged, OW is nothing to go crazy about...how could he, bla bla..
The of course there are collegues at work who report that H had lunch with middle school kids in order to avoid talking to collegues ....
I got lots of reports in the past 3 days and then seeing him is not good.
NC is really NC.
I think even the idea that you WW is in your house now must be a trigger!
Blessing

Well, atena, WW is _not_ in my house, which was the purpose of leaving her [censored]on the back porch (that was self-censorship, by the way). However, the fact remains that even seeing her drive up in the car or slogging through the muck to the back yard would be more than I want to handle.

It's sad, because my 'caboose' still gets rattled, even though my 'locomotive' knows better.

For example, my daughter went to the doctor Friday (she recommended this Dr. to WW) and then told me that the Dr. has asked her, "Are WW and your dad getting divorced?" Now I don't know why this should affect me, but it did. Even though I know this from a logical standpoint, it still gets to me on an emotional level.

hello, Atena and Fred,
How are you, I found you two on this tread. I have to say to Atena that I feel very sorry about your situation too. I have to say that I feel I am a bit over my H now, I have started No contact with my H since last Monday, I sent him a letter sort of start the plan B. absolutely no contact except a proposal I have to sign. I actually feel much better now, I do not think about him, when I see him, he is a total stranger to me. I guess I have never loved him that much maybe? I just feel I deserve someone better than this old pile of sh*t(sorry a bit rude). Occasionally I feel this angry and rage feeling, then it passes in about 10 minutes. I sometimes feel sad for my son, but there is nothing I can do at the moment. So I am fully prepared to get a divorce now and decided to move on. Before the final divorce, if he wants to come back, he HAS TO agree with my condition of having him back, this includes a very tough post nuptial agreement. Otherwise I am not prepared to have him back.

A trick I found is to find something else to do, fill your time and refocus your mind on other things, think how your future will be without this terrible person, think how exciting it can be to meet a new love, a new life with someone that you do not have to think about the pain constantly and have to spent the time to R your M, rather build a new M that both can trust each other, of course you will learn to set up measures to avoid A happens again. But I have to say for me this future looks much brighter than having H back and never trust him ever again. So be optimistic and be brave, you know you derserve better and you should try your best to get it. life is short, why going around circles? If you make the decision to move on, you will feel much better. Then whatever happens at the end, you know you have not treated yourself too badly. If your H wants to come back, take it, otherwise so what? Feeling sad and trapped will not get you your H back!

I hope my words help you a bit. Best wishes,

Kristy

Atena-HUGS to you. There are times when I want to check WH's cell usage(I still have access). What am I looking for? I just want to KNOW what he is doing. Is it right? Nope and that's why I try not to do it. I slipped a few times and gave myself a 2x4 in Melody Lane, Neak, Pep and many other posters voices(yes you all have voices, although I am sure you sound different IRL).

I also have a BIG problem with NOT seeing a GLIMPSE of my WH when he is picking up the kids. The worst day was the day I looked out and POSOW was sitting IN MY SEAT in MY CAR. That was the day I decided to STOP looking out the window. It hurt me more to see him than it helped.

The one thing I do realize though is a lot like what you said. This must be in some way how a WS feels towards their AP. That must be why they slip sometimes with NC. No excuse though.

It is hard but to be in a true Plan B, there should be NC whenever possible. If there is ACCIDENTAL contact, then you should handle it with grace. It will hurt you more to have any contact. That's why you can't even do things like check a facebook page or other things like that. It hurts you. Stay strong.

Unless you are a very good actress in pretending not seeing him. Yes, you are LB'ng. You should hold you head high, make eye contact, smile, and acknowledge him ... walk with out a words.

You are in a split second plan A then go back to plan B.

This is only because accidental enountered ... you have to avoid contact at all cost.

-rh-

Um...

Plan B = No contact.

Either you do a full plan B or none at all.

You do not get breaks.

Atena and Scotty,

Remember that Plan B is to protect YOU and not to punish your WH or to leverage for the end of the affair. The less contact you have with him the better off YOU will be and if and when the affair is over you might have enough left to try to recover. If you constantly have to put up with the drama and pain of seeing them together or just catching a glimpse of him your resentment will grow.

Also remember that you are in Plan B to save enough for later and that for those who get to recovery the biggest obstacle is usually the BS. If you lose all respect and all love for him there will be nothing that can be done to bring you back together.

Mark

IMVHO. Most people can't do Plan B with continues contact. This thread is included.

Thank you all for your help.
OK, no more glipses of H. I will put 200% of the effort. As I said, I realize now it is an addiction from my part. Just like a crack head.
But, the occasional encounter with WS is always possible. At the grocery store, at the doctor's office, at the airport...in the hallway at work (in my case).
I like the idea of doing a mini plan A, looking in the eyes, briefly smile and quicky move on keeping the head high.
I wonder what Harley would suggest in this case....Again we can't deny that occasional contact is totally possible...saying it is not would be a lie. You can always run into someone you would rather not see...including WS!
Blessing

It is the six months mark today as H and I and been separated for 6 months. He has not made any attempt at contacting me except thru the IM to discuss the sale of our home.
He is still seeing OW as I was told by the bike guy I bring my bike to repair to.
He is barely in touch with our son who is in college far away. son tells me dad never calls and send emails once in a blue moon. H has cut all ties with friends and at work he keeps up the bare minimun with collegues.
Also at work he is pretty checked out since he is unhelpful and just puts in his minimum hours.
He looks aged but he is in great shape.
At this point I guess his A is one of those that last a long long time.
Will this ever get better!?
Blessing

bump

Atena,

I am around the same time frame in B and have to remind you

Stop trying to guess!

You have no clue what he is working through in his mind. What will happen in the future. What this and what that.

You DO know that the more involved you are in the affair even just thinking about it, the more you get frustrated with your own life.

I totally know how toxic that is.

You, me, we MUST stop with expectations and wanting to control the outcome.

Castle walls are to help create peace inside AND hope can stay alive but not be something we dwell on.

Speech over.

I guess I still have so much investement into this victim role. I am nothing without my H and my new life amounts to very little..just routine. Can't say I like it.
I miss talking to him, sharing things with him, our son, our home, our plans. Love.
What do I have now?
What I have now is nothing compared to my life with my H and son.
blessing

Okay then,

you know what you have to do beginning this moment.

Create a life without them.

H, who knows what the future is with him and your son is off at college.

Art? Join a club? Become a nature lover who goes on hikes in a hiking group? Take up gym membership and focus on getting more endurance? Something that is fun. Something you can make social. Something that reminds you who Atena really is. Really, really is (pre-H)

This is what you need to focus on right now. Whatever the future brings.......do not be a victim. Be the owner of your life.

"What is life for? It is for you"~ quote of Abraham Maslow

thank you reading for coming to the resque...I do lots of things, I bike to work daily, I study, I teach....I mean, i have lots on my plate, still...I just think it takes a while to let go. The fact that I at times get glipses of my H at work does not help at all. I think if I did not have that I would be ok...much better off than I am now.
I think OW is more in my head than in H's these days....really. Maybe not...but I so much dwell on it.
Blessing

... get busy. Focus should not be on WH but building your life with or without him.

It will get better if you use your time wisely. You will survive this and be happier in life even if your M won't.

-rh-

Atena- How long has it been since you saw WH? It is withdrawal that you could be dealing with right here and it SUCKS. After I went to PLan B, I was depressed. it started to get better. Then I accomplished Operation: Olive Branch, and I did it face to face. It was 2 months and 2 days since I had seen, written or spoken to WH. That day and the next I felt GREAT. I wanted to talk to him again(I didn't). I expressed tat on my thread. Then for the next 5 days, I WAS SAD SAD SAD. It was withdrawal all over again. I was PREPARED to see him and I KNEW I was going to feel really down after. It didn't make it any easier.

Because you kept seeing him, it may be that you are having all of the feelings you should have had 6 months ago. Hang tough. It will get better.

WOW, I just almost accidentally answered my phone and it was WH. Now my heart is pumping and adrenaline is flowing through my body. I wasn't thinking because I was writing on here and that was using up my brain for that moment. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD.

I really can't imagine the torture you must have been dealing with all of these months. I probably would have lost my mind in that time.

Thank you for your posts!
A lot of times I talked to myself...like I am crazy...and tell myself:
what part of "he is a real jerk you do not get?"
He gaslighted me for years and his behavior during this most recent A towards me, our son and everybody else was despicable.

He is not to be trusted again in no form or manner. He is like poison and will slowly kill me if i let it.
Even if my plan b is imperfect (given I do see him from time to time...even if I never made eye contact...) I can't imagine what I would be without it. Talking to him, seeing him....and he wanting to be friends and me pretending to be friends hoping for more. It would have killed me for sure!
blessing