Hi, it's nice to now that you're missed. I got kind of tired of rehashing and reliving my emotional pain so I took a break. Also, I wanted to apply some of the techniques that many readers have shared with me.

I have some good news MB WORKS!. I didn't doubt that it would, but I wasn't sure my husband would be receptive. At first he kind of made fun of some of the terms and ideas. But when he began to read and saw a reflection of us, he became interested.

My husband and I have been going over some of the material and he has been very very receptive. The material has supported/validated some of the things I have tried sharing with him. It tends to be more accepted coming from someone other than your spouse. (It should not be, but that's reality).

He has been able to share with me his reason for doing some of the things he's done. We have discussed the "pink elephant in the room" without a major blow up. He has agreed to set aside time everyday to go over more of the material.

Thanks to Dr. Harley for sharing his insight.

TEK

Fantastic!


Yea, well, I agree. Dr. Harley's terms are, uh, not exactly world class marketing tools. One psych I know uses the word "Vintage Love," to describe some of his concepts, which are very close to Harley's. Again, not exactly a catch term.

But the concept of "Love Bank" accurately describes what is taught. I actually tried to conceive of a better marketing phrase or word and couldn't.

Larry

Awesome tek absolutly awesome girlfren

Tell me what you think about this.

I have decided to be more understanding of my husband's desire to continue parenting the OW son. I don't whole heartedly agree with it, because of what he has to do to continue the relationship. And also, I have not gotten to the place emontionally that I can totally embrace it. I figure this may be addressed once we learn how to properly negotiate.

Last week we were able to discuss my husband taking the OW child to band practice. My husband has been taking him to practice, but instead of telling me he was taking him, he led me to believe he was taking all of the boys to the gym(which is his regular routine). The truth came out when the mother tried to reach my husband on his cell, but was unsuccessful, so she called on the house phone. I asked him why did she call. Then he had to tell me that he had her son call her from my husband's cell phone and she was returning the call. The reason for the call was to inform her son missed practice, because he took him to the wrong school. Of course, I said he could have waited to tell his mom when he went home the next day. It wasn't an emergency nor could she do anything about what happened.

So last week during our Honesty/openness discussion I asked him why did he tell me he was taking the boys to the gym when he was actually taking her son to his practice. He said that he didn't feel comfortable sharing that with me, because he doesn't know if I want the same thing for him as he does. I also asked when was the performance. He said he didn't know.

Well, he took him to practice tonight and I asked him again if he knew when was the performance. He is still not sure of the date, but he thinks it's on a Sat. So I asked if he would be going.(actually I was going to suggest that I go also) But he said that he probably would not be going.

My take is, the mother and new husband will be there. But would this be a reason not to attend the performance? Unless, the husband is not supportive of my husband's continued involvement.

Why do you think my husband would take him to his practices, but not go to the performance. His practice is on one of the 2 days he spends with us. What is your take on this?

I don't like it that he did not tell you the truth and why instead of you having to guess. You seem to be able to compromise. Its just something you guys need to work on. Is he reading the material on this site or the books? How is he recieving it?

He is afraid that New Husband will try to cut him out of the kid's life. New Husbands are like that. This especially if they are controlling jerks. Why not both of you go, and sit out of direct eyesight of New Husband, if he is even there.

THAT would go a LoooooooooG way to helping your guy deal with some of the demons he is facing. If you can talk him into it.

Larry

I am going to suggest that we both go; that was my intentions if he said he was going to go. Larry, I think you are right he is afraid the other guy will cut him out of his life. But this is what we are dealing with. And I think the conseqences he will have to suffer. He didn't do anything to protect his interest with the OW child like he did with his bio son. Of course, there was probably nothing he could do legally.

So if all this is accurate, then he will have to continue to be deceitful in order to continue the relationship. At least until he comes of age and can make his own decisions about seeing my husband.

This is the part that I don't know if I want to be a part of. And if my husband is a part of it, then it makes me a part of it. I think this is why he keeps things concerning the other child from me. And this in turn opens up the possibility of an affair. All the elements are there. I'm just waiting for the next request of my husband from the OW in order to continue the relationship. I can see this getting more messy.

I thought he was over OW, nevermarried her and came back to you after ten years because he realized he was wrong.

If that is right and he has warmed up to MB and wanting to get closer to you I think you guys will be fine in time.

All the cloak and dagger crap that he does should allways be passed by you so you can help him and support him in hishonorable attempt to support the OC..

Hey Guys, I know it's been a while since my last message. I have been reading other people's posting, but I don't give my imput. I don't want to give advise whild I am still dealing with my stuff. We as humans tend to give advise based on our world view; which is usually shaped by our own experiences. "Hurt people, hurt people" especially in the way of advise.

But, I want to run this by you. I was a little perturbed that my h had an excuse serveral times last week for not going over the MB material. We had agreed to do something everyday. I told him I felt like I was pressuring him, and it didn't seem like our marriage was a priority. He has time for anything else he wants to do. His business requires him to actually work only a couple of hours daily(office work) So he has the time.

So we went 1 day shy of a week without going over the material. During our discussion on Honesty/openness, it became a little heated. But one of the things he said to me cut very deeply. He blurted out, "have you ever told those people (the OW and her mother)that their child (child that is not bio son) was welcome in our home". The nerve of him. Once again he made it seem as though I was the cause of our problem. Well, those people never apologized to me. The OW for participating in the A, and the grandmother for condoning it while her daughter was still living at home. And she did know about the A. I was too hurt to respond to him. I knew that what I wanted to say would not have come out correctly. So I tabled it for later

Yes I agree he probably doesn't want to give any ground up on his issue. I would stay consistent and be that drip of water that wears away the stone. He will come around. It just might not be as fast as you would like and you might have to make your own personal list in order to recognize progress. KWIM?

As far as posting replys please do. Even though there are professionals here on the forums I am not one and I post. I just give my opinion with the intention of helping resolve what issues I may have insight on. I support anyone who is willing to reason out thier problems. They don't have to have all knowledge and I certainly will never achieve that either but letting someone know that you care is probably the best gift we get here, even better than the advice in ways of encouragement. In the end we have to make decisions for ourselves either way.

I am sure by reading your posts that you have a concerned heart and desire to care for people. Just because we are hurt does not mean we will automatically give advice out of that place of referance. God I hope not or I must be damaging everyone.



TTYL

You are so right, if nothing else it always helps to give words of encouragement. This is what keeps me grounded and not feeling like all is hopeless. Not only that I can vent here instead of venting on my h.

What do you think about the question he asked, "have I ever let the family know that the OW child (that is not the bio child) is welcome at hour home? Well the child has been coming to our house for overnight visits eversince we got married. The family never thought to thank me for that. Nor did they ever think to offer me an apology. I still haven't addressed my feelings on his statement yet. But I will do it this weekend after the children go home.

TEK

I am going to give you the short answer on this as I am nearly 100% tied up right now with stuff.


Guys would rather go to the dentist than engage in relationship stuff. I get funny looks from women when I browse the books in the relationship aisle of the book store. I can see the gerbils running around in their heads as they try to puzzle out why I am there.

The reasons why guys have difficulty in this area is partly because of the way we are wired and partly because of the way we are raised. We ... don't ... typically ... have ... the ... words ... to ... state ... our ... feelings.

Men are mad, glad or sad, uh, or horny. Relationship work is full of need to learn new words and concepts none of us guys have ever had a thought about in our entire life. And that is tough on us. Women, on the other hand, get their relationship fix early and often. You are good at thinking about it. Maybe you don't always get it right, but you do get it.

It is way harder for guys than for you ladies. Trust me on this. That doesn't mean he is off the hook. If you tell him that you understand how much work it is but expect him to keep trying, maybe that will strike a chord. Or maybe he will understand the mad, glad, sad, thing and that will help.

Larry

Larry, you are a great help. I am truly trying to understand my h, he's a man. I understand me(woman)

Thanks I value your insight. You are usually on the mark and make sense and I understand it.

Larry,

When you have some extra time, please give me your insight on my h comment about me not letting the family(grandmother, who knew about the A and OW) know that the OC is welcomed at our home. Even though he has overnight visits every week; usually 2 nights per week. (please read the last paragraph in my previous posting)

I need to learn how to do the quote thing.

Thanks

When someone says something like that to me, I recommit to stay and do my best. I shared your post with a friend.

Thank you for motivating me TEK.

Larry

First of all, all you have to do is hit quote and read what is quoted. You will see how the commands work that cause all sorts of things to happen, like links, underline, etc. Yea, I had to have someone tell me about looking at a quote too and I am supposed to understand ubb code

In the case of quotes, it works with brackets [] and commands inside the brackets that cause things to happen.

Now, leave us address your question.

First of all, he is confessing your sins as he sees them to be. That is a common technique in family discussions as a tactic and I have see you do it too.

Secondly, he is pleading for validation. He wants you to be on board. Yea, not the best of ways to get you to cooperate, I admit. But that is what he is doing. You can reverse this on him. Just say, "Is that what you want me to do?"

"Gosh, I never thought of that, is that what you want me to do?"

Disarm him. Pull his fangs.

Look TEK, the guy is in a tough spot. And he lacks the language skills and tools to persuade most of the players who have influence over his association with the two boys. He doesn't feel safe. So he does stupid stuff and makes off the wall comments. BUT, I think his heart is pure and he loves the boys.

Larry

Tek, When H was saying you never welcomed the boy, was he saying that you don't extend welcome to him? Do you act like you like him?

I doubt you take out your disatisfaction on how H is working his deal on the boy, but perception of how you feel towards him might be being misunderstood because H links your disastisfaction whith how he handles the sitch to taking it as a persaonal quest tpprotect the OC from you. I allready think he feels he is the only one who loves him. If you KWIM.

Plus because he deals with the grandmother and OW on a regular basis it is posible they are feeding a falacy that you don't care about the child. Even though H might conciuosly know that is not true its possible that the words the other women are implicating has an effect on him. Hubby seems to be the kind of man who walks the line between advesaries for the sake of others, a peacekeeper if you will. Don't underestimate the power of suggestion. Its what ussually gets us into trouble in the first place. lol

Just a possibility of why he might have said that to you tek. Sometimes we are able to keep going and push aside inner fears we have and balance the truth against them but in times of stress we say things we don't really mean.

Ok, working on that quote thing huh? I can see your code when I go to quote on the menu under your signature. But you didn't say anything! LOL

The is the way it works"

[] command [] end command

Example:

[] quote command - Comments [] end command

Keep it simple. Don't try embedding quotes within quotes yet.

You can add your comments within the comments you are quoting. It helps if you use another color for your stuff and you do that by [] color command like color:#990000] put your stuff here /color] And make sure you have the brackets that I left out so you could see what I did.

Larry

Larry

SortedSomeOut,

What my h asked was, did I ever let them know the child was welcome. I was very hurt by that question, because He has been to our home every week for overnight visits ever since we got married. But the family never showed they appreciate anything I do for the OC; like cooking, cleaning, homework, buying his clothes and any other extra things I might do. He should have asked me if any of them ever apologized to me. The mother knew about the A and condoned it.

I keep wondering when is it going to be my turn for any of the people involved to show me some concern. It seems like I am the only one asked to make major adjustments. It seems like I am seen as the one that caused all the pain.

According to my h he doesn't communicate with the OW, only the grandmother. During our discussion last week he repeated that he doesn't have to get the OW permission to get her child. I understand that statement because he just informs the grandmother that he wants to get the child and she makes it happen.

I treat the OC like I treat all of the children with the exception of making any plans where he is concerned. I explained this to my h. It would be frustrating to me to try and make plans for him when we have no control over what we really can do. For instance I reminded him spring break will be here soon and what were we going to do with the children as far as having them here during the day (we both work from home). He never commented. I know he can't because he must wait and see what her plans are. Usually, he waits and the last minute she doesn't make any plans for child care. So the grandmother will get them and of course he will get them from her. I don't want to feel like I am always at the mercy of the OW. He doesn't have any idea of how that feels.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't wired with all these emotional feelings, but it is what it is.