well okay.

I was wanting to get advice about our situation so was going to post here tonight as update, but now feel I am as welcome as a dallas defensive lineman in green bay's backfield. Latest is that we had a date planned for Monday, but I am now calling that off. I still am wondering about the clues about the emotional needs even after these years, and then wanted to know from some of you. She told me other day when I told her I would take her out Monday that you're nice for doing that and you;'re a nice guy. **edit**

This next week is in my faith Holy Week, so I am going to back off and think of myself. Am going to simply renew my spiritual life the way I want to. She wanted me to come see her tomorrow but I told her it is Palm Sunday and I cannot until later. So now I know where I stand.

Okay, I wanted some advice as far as the emotional needs, but I feel again like that defensive guy in the wrong backfield. And, also, **edit**

Bottom line, I realize that my wife and I are older, and there isn't that much concern for them as the younger, and I understand that. One other thing that you need to know about me is maybe that I am a **edit*(* After she and I met at U. of W. I was working a hotline and I responded to someone who was complaining of problems with public aid. I even tried to intervene for her and then found out she was defrauding the system. Well, so is me. Maybe I am a so called nice guy and a fool but no longer.

Tonight before Holy Week I am going to get a few beers with a friend of mine and it will feel good. Tomorrow I will have to ansewer to my God and to my sponsor, but certainly not to Her! In t he words of V. Lombardio, if you "want to play for the green bay packers, you give me your life and your devotion". \

Tom

Also, I feel very happy and proud that I did my best to keep family together and earned and was given her love over past 40 years, but lately I feel like a fool!

Maybe when some of you get to my age or my situation you could possibly understand. As for some of you who simply post the usual simplistic and trite respones, maybe take a step back and realize and try to learn there is another person on this opposite end...****edit******.

In terms of Larry, Trutle, Optomism, et all..simply thank you and good luck.

Rom

Tom - So sorry that no one replied to you, but please realize that weekends are slow. It has nothing to do with the support at the site, your age, your circumstances, etc. There are usually a lot of newbies on the weekends who may read, but no feel qualified to post advice.

I missed your post because I went to a fishing derby today.

Tom:

I read your other post. You were all over the map. I couldn't figure out what to say. It was this long rant about everything and anything in an outpouring of emotion. I was unable to understand what you wanted.

Reading this post, I still don't understand. And normally I do, but not this time. What is really bothering you? Are you depressed? What advice do you need on emotional needs, that is a very broad and deep subject?

Slow down, take a deep breath, and then keep it simple. I will try to help you.

Lry

Tom:

Tell me the circumstances, not the need. Is your wife cheating, are you cheating, did she leave you, is someone being mean to you, etc. What is the deal?

Larry

Gee.


I guess I'm to blame for the fact that I cannot monitor your posts 24/7?

That I have a life, outside yours, and that includes a job that takes me away from the Internet?

A mother with terminal cancer who requires my care?



Tom, get a grip. Here's your 2X6


There's no way I could know how old you are, or discriminate against you because .... well... I just don't have those types of bones and don't scrutinize posts and say


oh - he's old - skip THAT one.


If you want advice regarding emotional needs:


1. You and your wife sit down and fill out the emotional needs questionnaires.

2. Exchange the questionnaires, and discuss the results.

3. Rate your top three needs, she rates hers.

4. YOU take control, and do what it takes, every day, to attempt to meet her top three needs. Do concrete things so that she sees your attempts. This does not mean that you go overboard, which can be annoying, but that you do little things (at least one) every day, that go in support of meeting those needs. These little grains of sand build on one another, and they grow in number to deposit to her love bank account. As you do them, YOU feel better because you become a GIVER (not a TAKER), and as you give to her, your feelings of love grow.

5. She also does the same for you in return.

6. The flow of give and take to one another results in growing feelings of attachment and love towards each other.


A simple concept. However, you have to be able to recognize also that the ENs may vary from day to day. Recognize when one might rise above the others, and meet that one without being dragged to do so - look for the "other ENs" to kind of float to the top, don't neglect them, because they also exist and to ignore them for the top three can be a mistake.

Pay attention to what she says when you discuss the EN questionnaire. That will help you.

Ask her the question: What are some things I could do each day that might SHOW you I'm trying to meet this need? What things do I do that tend to tell you I am NEGLECTING this need?

And pay attention to those answers!



I will tell you right now, that you are probably kind of grouchy, and stomping off to have a drink because nobody answered you on a website as fast as you wanted is probably indicative of the way you treat your wife.

If your response style is in any way like this with her, I would suggest you work on that. And to tell me that it isn't - I would probably not believe you. This post was an angry, vitriolic post at people you don't even know, and frankly, we ALL are meaner to the ones we love.

Sincerely,
Schoolbus

For the record.

And just an aside for posters here whose posts get overlooked, keep posting to your own thread, asking for input. Look at my post count - God knows I did a lot of posting to my own threads when there wasn't a lot of traffic.

And Tom, I think I'm even older than you.

Tom- I am working at controlling my AO and DJ, so I am going to ATTEMPT to be NICE.

It's like the way that Dr H explains about the Love Bank and how we by nature stay away from people who don't make us feel good. Although I don't know you IRL, on here, you don't make me feel good so I stay away. I must admit that if I read something you wrote and thought I had something to offer, I would post(as I am doing right now).

Bullying and badmouthing some of the esteemed vets on here who spend A LOT of their own personal time trying to help someone makes HUGE LB- in many people's LB. It tends to make people stay away from those people and those threads.

Also, every time that you have a new question, I would suggest that you keep it to ONE thread. There are a lot of people on here and it is hard to remember everyone's sitch and where they are in the process.

That being said, when you post, it may be helpful if you try to shorten it as well. Think about what it is that you really want to ask/say and limit yourself to say 500 words per post.

You should also know that it is EXTREMELY slow on here sometimes and there are many times when it is some people on here who aren't that experienced. If we don't know the correct answer, we don't say anything(in fear of making a problem WORSE) and wait for a vet to weigh in.

Good Luck to you.

Hey Tom, just a word to the wise, if you want to people to post to you, then BE NICE. We are all posters just like you and are not obligated to post to ANYONE. You are not entitled to even one response. None of us are.

More importantly, I only post to those I think I have something to offer. If I don't have anything to offer, I keep my mouth shut and I suspect others are pretty much the same.

People aren't likely to waste their valuable time posting to you if you are nasty and childish when you don't get an immediate response. There are alot of folks here who need help and most of them are not nasty. Guess who I am going to post to?

[emphasis mine]

Ahhhhhhhh, I see...Might those "few beers" have already started when you began this thread, Tom?

Does it really "feel good" to throw your sobriety out the window?

Mrs. W

In defense of Tom, he has a long time marriage and is going through a very difficult time. I believe he is just venting and his situation is what caused him to be so angry.

Gee - you're old?

I could have read that rant as written by someone else of a much younger age.

I'm sincerely sorry though that you're hurting and that you feel alone tonight.

I hope you don't cheapen yourself by losing your sobriety and sliding down that slippery slope.

Recovery of any kind, whether from alcohol or infidelity or computer addiction or unemployment and financial loss is not for wimps. It's tough. It hurts. A lot of times it feels like so much easier if we just gave up and let the storm pummel us. But then recovery is even harder.

Better to press on and seek out your faith in your church, prayer, the Bible, or other uplifting poetry or music rather than at the bottom of a beer glass.

Think on it - I hope you recover your sanity tonight.

Most of the people here are going through a very difficult time; they don't attack others. That is no excuse for mean behavior. There is difference between "venting" and attacking other posters.

No, that's just a mistake, Pep.

It was no friend that went with you, in AA as you seem to be, for a drink.

Tom, if you don't keep your sobriety...everything else will remain out of control.

After reading this. Get to a meeting...Now...

Step 1

Tom

Much like the others here I read your posts but find I do not have much to add to what another poster has said previously. Sometimes (since I am such a slow typer) I just do not have the time.

Couple of things here I would like to address...

First off I am a recovering alcoholic with 8212 consecutive days of not drinking. Of those days 2920 I have spent recovering from Alcoholism. You see I put a cork on the bottle but I never fully recovered mentally. Even though I did not drink I was a miserable SOB to be around. Plain and simple my illness, dis-ease, weakness, sickness whatever you want to call it did not go away simply because I did not drink anymore.

AlcoholISM was alive and well in me just waiting for me to pour the magic fluid in. Screw it Tom-Lets get honest here-You certainly don't want a few beers. None of us alcoholics want "just a few beers". Lets get honest-WE WANT A DRUNK. Plain-simple-No Bull Sheet.

I lived with an active alcoholic until about 5 weeks ago. REPEATED ALCOHOL RELAPSES ARE A HUGE MASSIVE LOVE BUSTER IN MARRIAGE.

Dr Harley says
"One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful. "

Tom Says
Tonight before Holy Week I am going to get a few beers with a friend of mine and it will feel good. Tomorrow I will have to ansewer to my God and to my sponsor, but certainly not to Her! In t he words of V. Lombardio, if you "want to play for the green bay packers, you give me your life and your devotion". \

Sounds like a case of the ISM-I So Matter. Tom-You indeed have more power than the three mentioned above. You have the power of choice. You can choose to hurt or you can choose to live the life of reward. Your chioce.

Tom. I know this board is not about alcoholism. Do you think this is a huge LOVE BUSTER to your wife and family?

If your recovery is not some kind of joke that you can play GOD with and you seriously desire continuos recovery I suggest you follow this link I pasted below. There are 35 20 minute or so sections that are easy to listen to. It may change your perspective on recovery from alcoholism just as it did mine some 2920 days ago.

Click on the link. Scroll down and click download now. It takes a little bit but a music player will open and when enough of it has loaded it will play.

http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=file&id=151

When you have listened through 3 of them come back to me and we will talk. Believe it or not I have a very old thread on here somewhere called "LB Alcohol".

I would be more than happy to meet you there to discuss this. This is not Big Book thumping. It is the truth how the first one hundred men and woman of AA got sober and stayed sober. The sucess rates are way better than the ten percent rates treatment centers average.



Hey Pep-Tom says it so....I don't know.......
Nesre

Hey Pep I have it on good authority that JL is probably older than you.

But he's as old as dirt so don't know if you want to be included in with him.

My H and I have been married nearly 36 years - never noticed any ageism around here. Maybe cos you're all as old as dirt bwwwahhahhahha

Interesting that Tom's last "romantic" post was that everything was just hunky dory and AOK in the Tom household. Knowing that my H was one of the best i.e. forgiving and wonderful BH's and we still had 2 years of hell before we were recovered made me go hmmmmmmm.