I have so much going on right now, I'm having a hard time believing this is my life. I'm crazy, confused, depressed and overwhelmed to say the least. I found out about A in July when I was 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, at the same time finding out about OW/OC that would be born within weeks of my baby. We've been counseling with pastor but I don't feel like it helps! We have had C with OW lawyer and pretty much it's been a dead end. OW will not agree to a paternity test. As soon as WH told OW lawyer he wanted a paternity test before he made CS payments, there was NC from anyone...not her and her lawyer wont return my WH phonecalls. This is really fishy to me first of all>
I don't know what rights we have. Even after the test we have decded to have NC. I feel guilty about the decision because the pastor believes that its not right and all contact should involve me and WH never sees the baby alone...but my heart is not okay with that decision...I never want to see ths OC nor have any contact with OW. Everyone is making me feel like the bad person bcause if it is WH OC I'm not allowing him to have C. But what about me and my 4 kids who were innocent in this, why do I have to suffer and see a child I don't want because of selfshness on their parts...then the OW had the nerve to tell me to think about my kids and that I'm not the woman I think I am because of NC...The nerve! Did she think about my kids when she was screwin my husband and what kind of woman does that make her?
Now, I've found out that I'm pregnant again..5 months after having a baby. My emotions are mixed.. I don't want my baby because of ths situation, but on the otherhand I've always wanted a big family but I feel WH A has torn apart my dreams and I'm still not sure if we can really move on and be happy after ths. WH has been really remorseful and is sorry and to him this pregnancy is a sign from GOD that we're supposed to be together! I'm scared and confused and lost. I have no real support because we havent told but 5 people including the pastor, I really need some support and advice!

Oh callalily, I am so sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances. Let's tackle a couple things before we talk about paternity and CS.

First, you are not bad or wrong to want NC with the OC and especially with the OW. If you read up on Dr. H's policies you will see he says NC for life with the OP. When you have C with the OC it is almost impossible to have NC with the OW.

Second,

How is the marriage? When was your dday (discovery day)? Did your H confess or did you find out? How remorseful is he? Have he given you all the details you need about the A?

Third, I would stop counseling with your pastor. He has no business telling you that you are wrong to want NC. Get on the phone and schedule some sessions with Steve Harley from MB instead. It will be the best money you ever spent. Forget traditional MC, most either will tell you to D or force you into C with the OC. Very few MC are truly pro marriage!

Fourth, how is your health? Are you taking care of yourself? Have you had STD testing? Did you tell your OB/gyn about the affair?

Ok, enough for now. Let's get to the legal stuff in a bit.

Oh and big (((hug))) for you.

Callalily,

I see Pepperband bumped several threads that will make excellent reading material for you.

Callalily~
SOOOO sorry you find yourself here. There is nothing easy about this sitch, but you can make it through. I NEVER dreamed I would be part of this club, yet here I am. I assure you that as time passes, things get easier. Soon after dday, I thought sure I would NEVER make it. But here I am nearly 9 mos. later.

Please know that you are NOT a bad person for wanting NC. We are NC currently and I hope it stays that way FOREVER!!!! It has been a HUGE struggle for my H and he is not resolved to NC forever, but are taking it one day at a time.

Also, don't feel bad for keeping this a secret. In our sitch, only our parents and 3 close friends know. As far as I'm concerned, that's all that will ever know. We currently live 5 states away from family and are actively trying to get out of here and back home. I cannot stay in a state/community where I might run into OW/OC.

In addition to Faithy's questions, are you certain your H is NC with OC/OW? How do you know for sure?

Again, welcome. And we will walk with you.

Thank you Ladies! Your support really means alot to me right now.

The marriage before DDay was wonderful, my H never treated me badly, he always was loving, caring and treated me like I was the world...so this really shook me, I couldn't believe it. We've been together for 12 years and this was the first/last A. Now, the marriage is definitely in ICU...but we still love each other and he tells me everyday how sorry he is for taking me for granted and being an idiotic. He's been very remorseful and has quit drinking ( a big cause of this) and hanging out at night. H goes to work and comes straight home, not to mention the several phone calls during the day to show accountability.

As far as how I found out..H broke down and told me after I asked him what was wrong, he seemed very distraught almost sickly like someone with cancer and he told me...boy was that a scene! DDay was June 2009 in which I was 7 mo preggers and fought my WH like I was Mike Tyson! No STD's thank God! I however didn't mention it to OB, but went to see a shrnk who prescribed AD's which I can't take right now since I'm again preggers! Otherwise I've been taking care of myself and my children, and am taking better care of myself since I'm expecting again. It's definitely a mixed emotions pregnancy.

All details that I could bear knowing he told me. It was a sex affair...he wanted more! disgusting! As far as knowing if he has no contact with OW/OC, I'm sure. He ended the affair and a few months later she called and said she was pregnant after it was over. Once the baby was born OW has been angry and bitter and called a few times until he requested a paternity test, now NC...her lawyer won't even call him back...I dont understand why she would get a lawyer to call and setup CS without a test.

The NC is very mutual for both of us. WH was done with A, and this unfortunately was the consequence of him doing wrong. WH has no emotional attachment and wants nothing to do wth OC either. He says that he will pay CS for his mistake but OC will never be a part of this family. He's putting us first.

It's hard when others know and you talked to them for support and it's more like they put you down or judge you or in my case make me feel like a bad person. mil said that I can't make her son a bad daddy and have a child in the world with no daddy! I've heard that it's not the christian thing to do and I should get over it and all contact Ow/Oc has to go through me. NO WAY!!! It just seems like the people we talked to in our family/pastor make me feel like the bad person and I'm the one that did nothing wrong...I'm innocent too, and so are my children. I don't see why people think this OC has precedence over me and my children. So, I've cried for days and weeks and months feeling horrible about my marriage and myself! I know that it's gonna take alot of time, but I just wish the better feeling part would get here. It's been 7 months now and I don't feel nearly as depressed as I did when I first found out, but I have kept myself hostage in my home in fear of running into OW/OC. I would love to move far away, I think it would help tremendously!

I'm truly happy that I came across MB and this discussion board. i read alot of the stuff that was "bumped" and I'm truly breathing alot easier knowing that I'm not alone and the support on here has been amazing. I thank God for you ladies and your support/advice/testimonies of hope. I hope I answered all your questions.

So sorry you and your family are in this mess. We are NC with OC. Have been since dday. Our MC also thought the poor innocent OC is a victim and I should be adult enough to put aside my pain and hurt for OC. We have, in NC. These are the consequences of the OW's behavior that OC will have no father, because the choice between my COM or the OC was made. Only one was capable of success.

Call the Harley's, you do need a good counselor, additionally, without DNA proving he is the father, he isn't!!!!! Second, if I had been strong enough and not so afraid of my H leaving (I still didn't understand how he could have cheated), I would have separated and gotten the CS for the COM ordered. The courts give the most CS to the child that files first. With all of the COM you need to protect them financially from OW filing for CS that doesn't take into account your COM. Talk to an attorney about filing for CS for your COM and have it on the records. Your H should be willing to do this if he is remorseful.

Read here, lots. You have so muc to learn and it will make the road and the recovery so much better.

Fled

Let me know if I'm understanding this correctly. I should separate and file CS for my COM...while we're trying to reconcile? What happens when you're not separated anymore and you stay together?

Has NC made your marriage better/stronger? How is your marriage now? Have you really become happy with your husband postA?

Has anyone else struggled with images/thoughts of A, that kept intimacy with WS to a low? It's really weird that I'm pregnant again and I've only let WH touch me three times since DDay.

I know that this takes time and I struggle everyday with the disbelief that my H could do this to me. I'm just longing for the day that we can be truly happy and have our marriage back.

Pepperband- I love your quote at the bottom! I can't wait for the stupid rash to leave my forehead!

It will be five years this April. We are together. We are happy. Yes, things happen that bring it to mind and they hurt, but FWH is working all the time on himself and to ensure that I never have to suffer that from him again.
NC was the best thing ever. OW can't continue to mess with us whenever she wants, everytime she tries (usually once a year) she is reinformed that she must go through the attorney to have any legally necessary action by my FWH attended to. She may not C us directly, when she does it is sent back unopened.

Talk to an attorney. People legally separate and get the CS order in place and then reconcile. But if she files for CS before you do, she gets the most and COM will only get the leftovers. It doesn't matter the birth order of the COM vs. the OC. Once DNA proves paternity the first in line gets the most. The attorney can tell you the rules of your state concerning legal separation and CS for your state. This manuever is to financially protect your COM. It feels scary. I didn't know to do this until it was too late. I didn't find this site until 2 years later.

You can survive this, your M can survive this. It requires a lot of work and I strongly recommend the Harley's for counseling and their MB program for rebuilding a strong M in the future. If your WH comes on board he can help you heal with this and make your M stronger than it has ever been.

Fled

callalily,

statiscally speaking and from I have seen on the boards, it takes about two years for every year of the A for the marriage to recover. That is only if both spouses are willing to do what it takes to truly recover and not "sweep it under the rug".

Following the MB plan for recovery is your best shot at building a strong M again. Along with following the MB, NC is also the best answer.

Contact brings constant reminders of the A and keeps the OW in your life FOR LIFE!!

Protecting yourself legally means making sure you and your COM are financially protected until or when the OW files for CS.

She will be required to submit to a DNA test in order to get CS ordered through the courts. NEVER agree to anything without it being through legal channels including DNA.

You know I think the hardest part is the paternity test part. It's seems strange that the OW would hire an attorney, who called H and tried to set up CS without a test. When H said he wanted a test first, the lawyer hasn't called back, she hasn't called back. H has left several messages and no response from anyone! I just want it over with!

"Fled" It gives me a shimmer of hope knowing that you're happy and your M is good.

"Faith" I guess I'm trying to rush the pain away! It's been the longest 8 mon. of my life. The A was only for 4 mo. which is still waaaaayyyy to long to lie to someone you're supposed to love. So, maybe the suffering will go away sooner than later....one can hope.

When we meet with our attorney I'll see what the laws are in our state. We're also actively pursuing relocation to another state...I'm tired of not feeling like I can't leave my house!

This speaks volumes about whether the OC is actually your WH. The attorney probably relayed the message to the OW, asked her is she is sure it is his, and she probably said no. Your WH probably has the deepest pockets so he was the first target. It's sick but there are some women who specifically do this.

I third the advice of talking to the attorney and trying to get a CS order in for your kids. If the OW beats you to the punch, you are looking at at least 15% of his gross going to the OC before it even gets to your kids. If you end up getting a divorce, you will end up getting a lot less CS as the OC will get first dibs.

I guess I can only hope the the OC is not WH. I will definitely make sure that me and my children are taken care of. I don't know why OW would think my WH had deep pockets, he had a wife that doesn't work and multiple children at home that he has to provide for.

I was reading how a woman in North Carolina sued her husbands mistress and won 9 mil. If only I could sue the OW! How awesome would that be! Too bad my state doesn't have that law in place.

I've been reading some of the recovery discussions and the surviving affair discussions and it's been helping alot. I'm so glad I found MB! We're saving up some money to try to do the weekend. I'm looking forward to it. I realize that this takes patience and I'm not as patient as I thought I was.

The weekend event would be awesome for you!!!

Too bad the States have moved away from "Fault" divorces, we should still have them when there is fault, adultery, and the Wayward should feel the pain. Maybe they would think twice before throwing their spouse, marriage, COM, and all their earnings under the bus???

Won't ever happen again, too many are afraid they would lose too much, what if?

FTS

TRUE TRUE TRUE!!!!!!!!

How are you doing, callalily?

Faith,

Thank you for asking!You'll never know how much I appreciate you asking since I feel by myself and I really have no one to talk to or any support besides H. H has been great and is really trying so I should be extremely pleased but the thoughts are really taking a toll on me. I'm soooo sick of crying and feeling like our M was a lie and that he could so carelessly wreck the life we built for "just sex". It makes intimacy with him really painful. I would like to enjoy being intimate with my H again, but the thoughts are sometimes unbearable. Being pregnant right now is probably not helping my emotions one bit. We told everyone that I was pregnant and the response from mil who knows and aunt who knows was "why would you want another baby and you don't want anything to do with this other baby?" It crushed me! So, I'm sitting here upset about my M and my new baby. They make me feel like such a horrible person because I want NC with OC. We don't even know if OC is H, OW has refused a paternity test.

I'm a mess! It sucks when you have no one to talk to. H says to just forget about everyone else and what they have to say. It's just so hard to listen to him because he's the reason we're in this mess in the first place.

I'm sure this is not what you had in mind when asking me how I was! I'm just overwhelmed with crazy emotions and I really want to just leave the house and do something that I enjoy but the anxiety that I feel when I walk out the door, pushes me right back in and I stay home. I'm trying all of these relaxation techniques to help me work through all of this but it just doesn't seem to be working right now. I know it takes time and I'm going to keep trying.

Ideally the response would come directly from your H not you. Something like "my marriage and family are the most important things to me. I nearly lost both due to my selfish behavior. I refuse to continue to hurt my family by bringing this other child into their lives. The best I can do for the child is provide financial support if and when DNA is done and I am legally proven to be the father."

For you if H is not around, "my children and I are just as innocent as this other child. I fully support my husband meeting his LEGAL obligations to this child if and when DNA establishes him as the father."

Come here and vent, ask for help, whatever you need. The board is slow but I do check daily to see if anyone has posted.


(((callalily)))

Whoah! Why is your husband allowing his family to talk to you like that? Can he tell them that it is your JOINT DECISION AS A FAMILY to have NC and they should BACKOFF if they want to have a relationship with him and his real children? Rather than ignoring them, I recommend discussing with your husband things HE can do to protect you from his family. I'll bet that if he takes a more active role in this area, it will bring the two of you even closer.

I'm sorry those people are being [censored] to you.

Faith- Thanks so much for your support!

As far as H saying something to his mother, he did and he told her that OC isn't more important than his wife. I am a very passive person and I hate and avoid confrontation, so I just ignore all the comments. I haven't talked to my best friend in a few weeks since I told her I was pregnant because her response was " I guess we'll just hope you have a miscarriage and then we can go party!" I quickly said I had to go because the boys were getting in to something and cried.

You can tell when people think that you're an idiot for staying with your H after an A. I can only imagine what is said behind my back. But am I weak for wanting to be with my H? I understand that everyone has their own opinions on every matter of life, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes, you have no idea what decision you would make or how you would feel.

I'm just tired of people telling me that I'm wrong and I should feel a different way. The people that I thought would support me and be there for me are the ones that have me feeling like I'm the one who's a horrible person and making me feel guilty for protecting myself and my children. I haven't been to church and feel like I shouldn't be there either. I can't remember the last time I prayed!

H has been very supportive but it's hard to take his words to heart because he has no validation anymore because of his carelessness!