I am new to the group but I'm very happy I found this forum to help me work through some of my thoughts.

My H and I are college sweethearts. We decided to marry young but I think we both knew we were making a commitment to each other. My husband decided to attend MED school after graduating from college. I worked and supported both of us during his education along with attention post graduate school as well. After my H finished school we moved for him to complete his residency program. During the 3rd year in residency my H thought he was the BIG CHEESE. His ego got the best of him. He decided to step outside of our marriage with someone who is TOTALLY different from him. My husband has traditionally been very conservative. This is not someone he would take to meet his parents or to a dinner with peers. After I found out about the 2-3 month affair he called it quits and we moved on with our lives. He also learned from her that she was also married but her husband was not a US citizen yet. We went to counseling and we were well on our way. We moved to another city and my H finished his program and is now working FT.

Well, our lives changed forever 2/2009. The individual tried contacting my H through his father's professional office. She told H that he was the father of her child 2 year old child. In the interim, my H and I have tried to start a family of our own. I have had 4 miscarriages over the last 3 years. The first one happened right before the affair started and then I had one several months after the affair. When I think back in time the OW and I were pregnant at the same time. I miscarried one month before she had her child. It is a SICK thing to think about. My husband and I had been trying again prior to him being notified of this situation. The SAD thing is that my husband did not tell me when OW originally contacted him. He was hoping it was not true and would keep this a secret because he did not want ot HURT me again. So, he went down and met w/ OW and the child to take a DNA test. I'm thinking he is at work and he is on the road driving to meet her 2-3 hours away. He came home at his normal time so I thought nothing of it. He had been speaking with her on and off from Feb 2010 - March 2010. This type of situation is beyond his scope. Keep in mind my H comes from a parents that have been married for 32 years so this was not in his plan.

My H and I decided to visit my parents who live in the same area where he did his residency. My main office is out of the same area so I thought it was great for my H to come along. He was supposed to be studying for an oral exam and I was working. Well, I find out later that he was visiting with OC and OW on several different days. All of a sudden all of the OC's issues and needs became my H's problem. This individual started asking for money and my husband gave OC money and she also wanted him to buy a bed and car seat for OC. My husband opened an ACCT thinking he would hide this from me until after his test. Finally he decided to breakdown and tell me and this is when the above information came out because I asked him. In addition, my husband also admitted to being intimate (touching/no intercourse) with this individual. For the life of me I cannot understand why if you were happy in your marriage.

Since finding out OW and I have had some phone conversations. She has been rude and disrespectful. She told me that she and her child would make me feel important. She also said I was selfish and that is why I had miscarriages. I see straight through this situation. I believe this individual had a master plan. She is now out on disability and has no plans of working because my husband CS check will be more than what she has EVER made in her life. I cannot have any contact with OC or OW. It would never work. OW actually apologized on speaker phone to me while my H was listening but what she did not say is that she tried to sleep with H again while visiting. How can you ever TRUST someone like this. I don't deserve any of this. I have been SOOOOOOO GOOD to my H.

OW recently hired an ATTY and we have also hired one. I think regardless if she is married we need to move on with our lives and NO CONTACT is the right way to go. My husband is comfortable if she is married and her H wants to be the father of this kid. He has been with OC from day one. In fact, OC has his last name.....go figure.

It is a crazy situation and it is amazing that my H slept with someone he did to really know and now it is going to cost him for the next 18 years. My life is forever altered by this experience. I know life is not over and we will go on to have our own children. I NEVER want my children to deal with this or have anyting to do with OC or OW. I CAN never accept this person in my FAMILY. She is TOXIC. She told me my husband is NAIVE....something is not right with this picture. **By the way...this is her first child.

I think I'm making the right decision. This person will use this kid as an excuse to screw up my marriage and constantly cause problems in our relationship. I don't think there is any other way to move on....What say you?

Welcome Besthesda,

I am so sorry for the situation that brings you here but am glad you found us! Please familiarize yourself with Dr. H's concepts and I highly recommend you try to attend a MB weekend.

So, the intimate contact your H had with the OW was during the time he was visiting her and OC? Did her H know she was in contact with him? Is her H listed as the father on the BC? Is he ok with your H being the father?

Is your H ok with NC? What is the status of your M right now?

I completely agree with your NC stance and obviously your H needs to learn about openness/honesty and put some boundaries in place.

Betheseda,

Five years ago, on April second, my FWH informed me that he might have a son. I asked "how old?" The answer was 4 months. I thought I would die. We are still together, good M, great COM. WE are NC and have been from the beginning. OW is not allowed C to us only to our attorney. Yes, we have a bill that is due every month for 18 years (13 more to go). There are consequences to behavior. This is one of them, and it isn't fair to anyone.

I wish I had found this site early on. I spent the first year and a half thinking I was the only person in the world that this had happened to. Only to find out, that unfortunately, there are way too many of us in this situation. This is an excellent site for learning how to recover and create a M that is strong and protected. There are a few of us around that can help you avoid pitfalls, and on going constant assualts by the OW.

Read here. Share the knowledge and site with your H.

Fled

So, the intimate contact your H had with the OW was during the time he was visiting her and OC? Yes. A few days ago she called H's job since we blocked all of her #s. She reached him while in the OR - what a mess. My H called her ATTY who mentioned to him that my H sent the wrong impression by being intimate with her while visiting. This is what OW told her ATTY.




Did her H know she was in contact with him? We have yet to figure out the H business. He is not from this country and waiting to get his green card from what was explained to my H. I'm not sure. It is all a big lie if you ask me. In fact, the H was the one at the birth for all we know and she also gave OC the last name of H, but the funny thing is is that her last name is not the same - go figure. I think now that we have an ATTY we will find out many things about OW that my husband NEVER had a clue about. In fact, that was his first time visiting her home. He even admitted he was shocked about where she lived. My H was clueless and did not see the writing on the wall. He was happy someone was actually attracted to him...I mean his status because she was only seeing $$$.


Is her H listed as the father on the BC? No, remember he knew nothing about this until 2/2010 after OC is 2. The other H has been acting as the father. All of a suddent OW decides to disclose this information to all parties. What a shame! I believe she was aware from DAY ONE!


Is he ok with your H being the father? That would be the BEST option. My husband is VERY happy with that idea. In fact, he asked OW why are you doing this to us?? He also told her he was NOT leaving his WIFE. She plays on my H and tells him she kicked her H out of the house after she told him and wants a divorce. A day later she said she was going back to her H. She is a psycho person and I have never in my life seen anything like this.It would be best. Like I said, we come from TWO different worlds and TOTALLY different backgrounds. It would only create confusion for everyone. Our marriage is BIGGER than just us - trust me! In addition, my H has said he is VERY embarrassed to have this come out because it is SOOOO not his taste.

Is your H ok with NC? He says he is. He feels bad for the child. He thinks it is the BEST option. Mentally I don't think he can handle contact at this time. If he wants our marriage to work the only way is NO CONTACT for now. We have to get some things straight before we can accept another person into our family and we have to be STRONG enough to deal with the mother. She needs to understand who is the REAL BOSS! She thinks OC will take the place of me and she will use OC for that reason. Like I said in my earlier statement, it is amazing how overnight EVERYTHING is my H's problem. He also mentioned now that he has had time to reflect that from the first day she called it was always about $$$$$.



What is the status of your M right now? On the ROX. I love my husband and we moved on. The hardest part is that both said they did not have sex. In fact, OW called and apologized after the affair and told me she did not have sex. Now this.... This person is TOXIC for our relationship and we will not survive if we allow contact. We will NOT!

I also worry about her alleging I would do something to the child. She has made reference to that to her ATTY. That she
was concerned I would hut the child. In addition, she wants my H and it is clear she has some issues going on with her alleged H as well. I would suggest she take OC and her H and mend fences and move on because she will NOT be accepted her at this time. I cannot deal with OW drama. I have not worked this hard to deal with weekend/week day/monthly DRAMA OW. She already has thrown the guilt trip on my H several times and it has only been a few weeks. Can you believe she asked him to take her on vacation to get to know the child? Issues..

If my husband changes his mind I will file for DIVORCE. It is simple as that. I made it clear to him. If we were dealing with a classy person we would not be here today.

I'm not going to allow her to take advantage of my FAMILY or my H. It is NOT happening.

(((Beth)))) Welcome!!! Please know you are not alone. I am right there with you. I have not been able to give my H a child, yet some other HO gave him his firstborn. It TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!

We are currently NC and I HOPE it stays that way forever!!!! H is not totally resolved to this forever, but is for now until our marriage is restored. Note that he has wanted a child MORE THAN ANYTHING so this is excrutiating painful to him as well as me. OC is just a reminder to me of how my happily ever after has been destroyed!!!!!!!!!!!

Note that OW is leaving us alone at this point. We are putting money in a separate savings acct each month in case she shows up one day.

If you are like me, you are wondering how in the world you ever got here and you are SO sad that you are visiting this site and forum. But please know that although this ROYALLY sucks, you will survive. Do lots and lots of reading here and listen to Faithy and Fled. They have walked with me and have great advice.

Migsamac, Thanks for responding. This forum helps me tremendously. It is very difficult to speak with family members who have never experienced such a thing. I wish there were sites for men to talk about having no contact and repairing their marriage. I think my H would feel a lot better to know that he is not alone.

I pray that OW is married and the other H wants to be the father to the child so that we can move on with our lives. We have come to the conclusion that H will owe CS if she is not married but we still want NO contact. If OW is married that opens up another set of issues - is the other H willing to conest paternity. My H does not know if the other H signed the birth certificate or if he was in the country at the time. I said to my H why did you NOT ask to see this information if someone is alleging you are the father. Did you not ask these questions?? My H was clueless. I would have asked MANY questions before openly agreeing to take a DNA test without a court order.

Thanks for your words encouragement

Bethesda,

Somewhere out there is a book that all OW read. It tells them how to play the game. For my OW, she targeted my H because her H wouldn't let her have a child (she was 40, he was 63). She pursued my H and told him she would take care of the birth control (think fertility monitoring here). She was pg the first time. She didn't and still doesn't want my H. She wants his money. Problem is. I am the medical professional in the OR not my H. The CS is always figured based on State formulas, if DNA have proven he is the father then he will have a CS payment for the next 18 years. Your attorney needs to protect him as best he can (some demand CS through college and college costs). The next line out of the OW's manual is that the BW will always cause harm to the OC because of the OW. That we BS's are incapable of viewing OC as a innocent victim either (yes, OC is a reminder of the betrayal, but get real!!) Additionally, they decide that the OC is missing something important (they forgot that part when they were scheming how to have a baby and have someone else pay for it) the OC doesn't have a full time daddy and deserves to. The OW frequently try to re-engage the WS about the OC. The OC deserves, the OC needs, the OC was upset, the OC needs diapers. It's all about the OW but they use the OC to coerce.
WE are NC. Fortunately for us the OW is content just getting her CS check regularly, at least at this point. We have relocated, changed all phone numbers. The OW has our attorney's C information and must go through the attorney for all C.

Your H needs to change his phone number, your attorney needs to C her and clearly inform her and her attorney that all C is to take place through your attorney. The expense of the attorney as a buffer between you and the OW is extremely important in allowing you the peace to heal your M and be able to move forward.

Keep reading here, will your H come and read here? Will he speak with the Harley's and get to know himself and how he allowed this to happen, so that he can change his behavior to protect you and your M in the future?

Fled

FledtheSTATE - I actually had my H read an e-mail Harley sent to me after I shared my story. My H knows what he did was wrong and he walks around daily saying how sorry he is about all of this. My husband has some internal issues that he MUST deal with. I don't think there was anything wrong w/ me. I try to be the BEST wife everyday in all areas of the relationship. I never say NO! My husband tells me he was curious because he has not had many experiences with women. In addition, OW came on to him and he thought that was HOT. He did not seek her out first. In fact, she is older than my H. I believe she knew exactly what she was doing because this was an opportunity to make more in CS then she ever received in yearly salary. The odd thing about this is this was my H's first time ever having an affair and to be so young at the start of his career seems like such a stupid thing to do. I hope OW wants to move on as well because I cannot deal with this situation. It is SOOOO very painful. The sad thing is that I was starting to trust my husband again because the affair happened 2 years ago for only 3 months. We were in a happy place and now I'm back at square one all over again. This was a double blow. If I found out about the affair and child at the same time it would have hurt, but to go to counseling move past this issue and have it resurface 2 years later is a slap in the face. I say everyday I want to fast forward 5 years because this moment is to painful. In addition, OW is not sorry for this. She has said things that have been really hurtful to me. I believe she is bi-polar.

Usually when you have children you know the backgrounds of both parents. This makes a difference in the child along with the upbringing of the child. Well, my H knows nothing about this person. Like I said we are in two different worlds. This is our only option. In addition, I'm afraid of OW using OC to get to my H and playing all against me. Alleging things against me. People do the craziest things these days. I'm a professional and I don't need the DRAMA.

I ask myself time and time again...Why did I get married? I view weddings and relationships totally different. Is it worth all the PAIN and HURT!

What happens to my unborn children. The amount of CS is crazy and I think a child would never spend that kind of money in one month. In addition, OW wants back CS although she never said anything to my H.


I would give all material things my H ever purchased for me back just to have TRUST, HAPPINESS and PEACE. I really would..

Thanks for the encouragement. This site has been a blessing to me and has given a HOPE.



*It is amazing this happened in my own family when I was a kid. My aunt had a child with the pastor of our church. I thought the wife was so wrong for wanting distance but I understand why. My aunt did horrible things to the WIFE. My aunt knew about it from day one but went 4 years w/o telling and was friends with the wife. In fact, the wife kept the child from time to time. How could a person do someone like that...I did not understand but now I know exactly how the wife was feeling. It is a SHAME! All of this stems from SEX!

Bethesda,

Affairs do not happen because of something the betrayed did. They happen because of the waywards issues. Nothing, and I mean nothing, that the betrayed does justifies anyone from ever having an A. If it's that bad, then they need to D and THEN move on. NC is not only for your H with OW, but you as well. You do not need to put yourself in a place for her to be vindictive to you. Attorney up, and let the attorney deal with her. She has to prove paternity, your H can reduce his assets by having them in your name legally. Read the information on one of the other links that Pep bumped up. If your H is remorseful and willing to protect you, the M, and your future COM and their financial future, he will be willing to do this. Your attorney and accountant can both help with how to legally reduce what your H is worth and how much this OW can snatch from his future.

We would all give everything for all of this to be undone. You can get through this, your M can heal and survive this. You have found an excellent resource to help you on that difficult journey in MB's.

Fled

I read you post and it reminded me of my own dilemma. I posted here earlier. But I posted to the men. I wanted to hear their take on the situation. But now I want to hear the women's perspectivie.

Unfortunately, I cannot decide no contact with the OC. I remarried my H 10 years after he had the A. A child was conceived. He has spent the last 10 years being almost a full time dad. So when I decided to remarry him, I accepted his child. I don't have a problem with that. When we decided to remarry he petitioned the court for joint custody so the OW couldn't use the child to cause us a problem. But the problem I didn't know I was inheriting was the fathering he has done for her other child. In fact I found out that he had played the father role for 2 years while we were still married. I did know he was involved in her other sons life, but I didn't know to what degree.

He never married the OW nor did he live with her. So he can't be considered his stepson. He acts like he cares more for her other son than his own son. I say this because whenever he can't get her other son, he has refused to get his bio son.

The biggest problem I have with this is all the deceit and manipulation surrounding her other son. She got upset with him when he filed the joint custody papers so she emailed him and told him she was going to have to withhold her son from him. And she did for several days. But of course he refused to get his son. So eventually he began getting him for overnight visits again. I told my husband I am very unhappy with this, but he always gives some type of excuse. He tries to turn it around and say that I don't welome this child in our home. ( I'm getting dizzy writing this)

Bottom line, I told my husband this is very difficult for me because it feels like this ow is controlling my h. And she is using her son like a dangling carrot. I know I cannot make my h do anything he doesnt' agree to do. So at this point, I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I have tried sharing MB with him. We have gone over some of the material, but he won't stay committed. He will participate whenever I ask, but I can tell it's only to appease me for the moment. Then it's business as usual.


I don't blame you for deciding no contact. If the child doesn't know your h as the father, why make things more complicated. There is a story in the Bible that supports this decision. If you are interested I will share it with you.

Tekoa- I am interested. Please send the information.

Thanks for your thoughts. Hang in there!

Tekoa~
Please post the passage you refer to above. I'm intrigued.

Are you familiar with the story of Sarah and Abraham?

Genesis:16 (I am paraphrasing, but you should read it for yourself)

Sarah did not have any children to Abraham; although God had promised Abraham a son. Sarah wanted her husband to have a child so bad that she gave her slave to her husband to conceive a child for him. After Hagar (the ow) became pregnant she began to treat Sarah with contempt. (Of course she treated Sarah this way, because now she was carrying Abraham's child not Sarah) When Sarah told Abraham about it(because of course being the man, he didn't see it)Abraham told her to do whatever she wanted with Hagar. So Sarah treated her harshly and Hagar ran away. (Do you see how much contempt there was between the women. It was not meant for a woman to share her husband with another woman. That is why it states that every man should have his own wife)

Hagar ran away, but God commanded her to return and submit to Sarah's authority. (I'm sure Sarah felt better because Hagar submitted to her and Sarah was in control.)
Genesis 2:9-13

Sarah finally becomes pregnant and has a son for her husband. But things turn sour again. Sarah noticed Hagar and her son Ishmael making fun of their son Isaac. She demanded that her husband get rid of them both. She said, "he is not going to share the family inheritance with my son, Isaac, I won't have it." Abraham was very upset wit his wife, because that was his son she was talking about. But God told Abraham to do just as Sarah says. And he put them from his house.

Some people will read this and get something very different from what I get from it. But one thing is clear this situation was too much of an emotional strain on Sarah. Their marriage must have been very important in the eyes of God. Marriage is first even before children. If you don't get your marriage on solid ground, what do you think you could positively give to children. I think a child is hurt more by all the chaos that goes on in emotionally strained households.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying to throw the child out with the bath water. Children are loaned to us for but a season. If couples find themselves in this situation and they both agree to have the child around, then I say kudos. But the injured woman/man has to be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. Unless the couple makes it very clear that their marriage is first and foremost, and they will not jeopardize that. They both have to be aware of the tactics of the other party to try and sabotage their relationship using the child. In most cases, men are not able to see the subtle and not so subtle ways of the OW. So the wife tends to be alone in fighting the battle and her husband thinks she is paranoid.

Thanks Tekoa. I am very familiar with this story. But, this is an interesting take. Thanks for sharing.

In late Jan. of this year, God unexpectedly gave me Gen. 18:14 during my quiet time. I am CLINGING to that verse that I will (in Jan. 2011) have a child of my own.

"Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will come back to you next year at this time, and Sarah will have a son."

Even when both and H/W agree to have the OC around it is still an emotional rollercoaster. Loving the OC, helping raise the OC does not take the pain of this situation away. That I believe is WHY God told Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away. God created us and He knows the heart of woman.

Faith, you are definitely right. Even when both agree there is still the emotional rollercoaster. But the nauseating feeling you get from the rollercoaster tends to be less when both spouses are moving in the same direction. Especially if they follow the rules they both put in place to protect their marriage against another affair. The wayward should be so appreciative that his spouse is willing to endure the emotional strain for his sake.

God does know the heart of a woman.

Migsamac, thanks for sharing; hold on to God's promise. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks Tekoa.........it will definitely have to be a miracle!

Thanks for the information. I will read tonight! Be encouraged.:)

Just checking in....
It has been one of those days. :((

I'm feeling all of the emotions all at once. Today I feel like I want a D and move on with my life but on the other hand I the love for my husband and the life we built is keeping me here. I just can't believe this has happened to ME.

Have any of you that do not have contact exp your husband lashing out at you later on for making the decision. Sometimes
I feel like he made the decision to protect our M but is it the right decision. Although I'm very happy about it but is it the right decision. Should I move on and let him assist in raising his child and move on with my life. I have so many questions in my head.....When I think we are doing the right think I second guess myself.

I think our M is very important and MORE important than OW or OC but is that really fair to OC?? Please HELP!