You are quite right in saying that your marriage is more important than OW or OC. You do not have to consider what is right for OC. Your marriage is first and foremost.

I have bumped a thread by Pepperband entitled "first and foremost". Please read it through; it will help you.

Bethesda,

Oh honey, I think that we are on the same page. Believe me you are not alone! I've been having "one of those days" for a few days now. I feel like calling it quits and that it's not worth it either.

One thing I have figured out is that we can't dwell in how this could happen to us, cause it did. We can't go back and change that part even though deep down there's nothing else we'd rather have right now than to go back and change everything! Too bad there's not a real time machine...we can only watch back to the future and dream (a lil humor)

We have decided no contact, but as of yet I have not experienced any backlash, but I do wonder if my husband will resent me later for NC. I second guess this decision everyday feeling like I'm the bad person for wanting NC and H is such a great dad to our other children I should let him go so he can be a great dad to all his children. It really puts us in a tough place. I'm not sure what is fair to the OC, but I do know that the A was not fair to us either. I keep thinking about adoption though, i don't know anyone who has personally given a baby up for adoption, but i wonder if it's the same feelings. I struggle with knowing if we'll ever be really happy and if we can really move on with our lives. Women who give their babies up for adoption go on with their lives and are happy and have children later on when they feel they are ready, but how many regret the decision of adoption? not sure, but I think this is a similar situation. The OC is a child that we do not want in our lives, why can't we move on and let someone else be the loving parents to this oc and move on wth our lives and have happier M?

I don't know why we're beating ourselves up like this and I often question it as if maybe this is the wrong decision and I'm doing the wrong thing.

Biblically, the A is adultery and is a punishable sin. However, there is no verse in the bible that says not wanting a child is a sin. Yes, it says that a H should be the leader of his family, spiritually,financially and emotionally. His family is not the Oc his family is where his home is.

Abraham and Sarah is a very good example of this situation and in the bible the oc Ishmael was not to be included in Abrahams inheritance either. God only referred to Isaac (the child born from his wife) his true only son, that he was willing to sacrifice.

I try to meditate on this and believe and have faith that God will work this out for us no matter what decision is made. It's hard to let go and let God handle our problems, which is why we keep second guessing ourselves.

You are not alone! I wish we could take a cruise and all of us get together to talk and cry and support each other...maybe an idea!

I'm here with you! (((Bethesda)))

Bethesda,

No two relationships are alike. Many here will tell you if there is an A and no COM. Leave. Others will tell you that M is a commit, a vow before God and family to each other. The M is the most important relationship even before COM. Without the healthy M where would the COM be?
Many people in society put more significance and importance on the OC. Because the OC is an innocent child and you are a grown adult. I do NOT buy into this. Yes, the OC is innocent, however, the sins of the parents extend to that OC regardless of your decision. That OC will always suffer the consequences of being conceived by two people out to get their rocks off (sorry about the truth being ugly). Without COM, yours is a decision of saving and recovering the M or moving on.
I just went past the 5 years since dday mark.I have COM. There were more than just me, FWH, OW and OC to calculate into the damage control. We made the decision to save our M. We are healing (we only discuss the A now in terms of damage control, what can't be undone) FWH does not have any regrets about his choice of NC. Saving our M, helping me to heal, taking care of COM, regaining his self-respect, far out weighed any benefit from being a part-time dad to OW's child, and the loss of the M, relationship with COM (which would have occurred). Every situation is different and unique.
There are many that have not walked in these shoes who will get high and mighty and tell you about what your WH's responsibilities are concerning OC. They totally relegate the WH's responsibilities to the BS and the M and the COM to a lower level. As long as the WS is responsible for the legal CS determined after the DNA testing, then these are the consequences of the OW. She made this decision when she allowed herself to become pregnant, maintained pregnancy, and kept the OC. The WH is not required to sacrifice his BS and COM further because of his wrongful actions.
Think about what is most important to you, have honest POJA discussions with your FWH about what is important to him. He can't fix it. He can't undo it, He can't make it go away. He has to decide what he can live with and who and what are the most important to him. If the two of you together can come to an agreement on this, then you can continue to work on moving forward.
It isn't easy, C or NC. Recovery from an A is hard. Even harder and longer with an OC. There will be CS, at a minimum for 18 years, with OW attempting to intervene in your lives the whole time. But a unified front from the two of you, joint decisions that you both stand up to, at all times, will allow you to survive and keep OW away.

Are you reading over on General? His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair? You need to focus on whether you want to save the M, you can always chose to walk away later if you want, choosing to stay today does not mean that you can't decide that it is too much 6 months, or a year from now.

Fled

Bethesda, I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing. Betrayal of a spouse is like a death. But rest asure this too shall pass, but it takes time. I am speaking from experience. I will share with you something I haven't shared on this post yet, but I feel led to share it now. I believe my sharing will help others that are going through the same thing to know that they too can get through it.

I have been married three times to two different men. My first husband, whom I had all four of my children for, had an affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend. She was pregnant the same time I carried our 4th child. To make matters worse he was supposed to be a minister. I was left to raise all 4 of my children alone.

I remarried about 10 years later and that husband had an affair and conceived a child. We divorced, but remarried 10 years later. I know a lot of people reading this will say, "why would you remarry a man that violated your marriage vows and betrayed you. Well, that explanation is for another time. I am now dealing with his son from that affair; whom I accept without regrets. He has joint custody of him and he gets him 4 days out of the week. I think if we would have stayed together I would probably have some difficulty accepting his son. We split up immediately after the discovery.

My hearts desire is to help other people going through what I went through, so they can get through their dark times. I had many dark days and endless nights. I still experience emotional highs and lows from time to time.

Several weeks ago I was at a low point. My daughter sensed it and she said the most profound thing to me. She said, "Mom, everytime you had a battle you felt you couldn't win you gave it to God and he won it for you." Every situation turned out better than I dreamed possible.

In the beginning it is always harder, because it is so fresh. You will vacilate between what you think is right and what other people may think is right. Ultimately you will have to make that decision for yourself. I feel marriage is the first priority of any relationship. I believe this, because in the Bible Christ describes his relationship with the church to that of a bride and groom. This is the only relationship Christ used to describe his relationship with his followers. Marriages are under attach more than anything.

For me, I try to accept my trials as a way to make me stronger. But that is not to say everyone feels that way. But this is what helped me to get over my darkest days. Another thing that I do when I am feeling at my lowest is to think of others that have it far worse than me. This is not to minimize what anyone is going through. Because when you are experiencing pain it feels like pain no matter what the circumstances are. But this helps to get my mind off of my suffering for a moment.

Whatever decision you make, your true friends will support that decision. Any decision you make in this situation is not the wrong decision. If you share with someone who judges your decision as wrong, then just know that you shared with the wrong person and don't take it personal.

Tekoa and Fled........ Great posts!

Betheseda......the following is just my two cents..take it or leave it...

My H and I are NC, but he is not fully on board. I just posted on Calla's thread that he would LOVE to be a cakeeater...pick up OC, be a dad, raise him jointly, blah blah blah...one big happy family. But there is NO WAY, NO HOW I can do this at this point. Things are WAY to complicated currently without having to involve OC.

OC is still young in my sitch...under one year...so he doesn't need H now. Someone else pointed out to me that all OC cares about is a titty and getting his booty cleaned. H feels like he is abandoning OC. He just can't seem to completely come to terms with the fact that #1, he DESTROYED ME, MY PARENTS, HIS PARENTS and #2, OC will not have a dad. (At least not until OW remarries or something.) So, does/will H resent me? Maybe...says he doesn't....says he is doing this for our marriage. But REST assured, if I wanted to go get OC right now, he would be the first one in the car.

So, I consider the "resentment" a risk worth taking. I know that we should be using POJA, but there is not a resolution here that makes both of us 100% happy. H is resolved for NC for now, but not forever. I need NC FOREVER!

Like Fled said, you don't have to make any decisions now. I have a dear friend that walked this road 15 years ago and has C. I ALWAYS said there is NO WAY I would stay if this happened to me....never, ever, ever, ever, EVER dreaming that it would. I suppose no one is immune. So, I am choosing to stay for now, OW is leaving us alone (for now), but I am well aware that the "status quo" can change in the blink of an eye and I am now better prepared and more equipped than I was soon after DDay.

Please continue to post and vent. We are here for you.

Migsamac,

One thing you can count on is a human beings ability to change their mind. What might work now may not work later; and that's ok. We can say what we will do for now, but when the circumstances change then we tend to change.

You are so right to factor in that h may resent you later. Of course, he really doesn't have a right or should I say he will not be justified in his actions. What people in this situation feel to realize, nc with oc is the consequences of their actions. There are consequences for the wrong that we do. We may be forgiven, but the consequences don't go away.

If a bs agrees to have contact with oc, then the ws should bend over backwards to show some just compensation. He should understand that the other party is willing to accept the emotional strain that they will endure throughout the lifetime (or at least until the child is grown and on their own) They should ask themselves, "what am I willing to give or do for this person if they are willing to do this for me?"

But, be strong in your decision and know that if you have a change of heart, then that's ok too. Now one can tell you what to do, because you are the one living this.

Final note for those who have not walked in your shoes. you have no idea how this feels. So you shouldn't be so quick in judging anyone who expresses their feelings.

Let me first say THANK YOU for all of your support. Your thoughts and experiences are very helpful. I never imagined people would experience this everyday of their lives. Why did our H's let temptation get the best of them.

My H says he is okay with NC. I am going to trust him. We will NEVER accept OW into this family and that is exactly what she wants. She is a very special person! My H received a call from his ATTY the other day and H's ATTY had a chance to talk to her ATTY. H's ATTY actually made a comment that this OW is playing games. She is definitely not HIGH END. The ATTY said, maybe she was cute but not HIGH END. In my opinion she is neither. However, H's ATTY clearly peeps OW is out for money. The amount of CS on a yearly basis is double what she makes in one year working. Now, keep in mind she has been out of work on DISABILITY for the past 1 1/2 and it is about to run out. In addition, she tells her ATTY that she is married but is NOW all of a sudden willing to get a DIVORCE. This case is all so weird to me and it is becoming that way to my H now. He hopes she stays with her H and they raise OC. OC actually knows OW's H as her DAD/FATHER. I don't think OW's realize what they do the children and families when this information is announced 2 years after the fact. She allowed her H to sign the birth certificate and act as the FATHER for 2 years and now all of a sudden you want to contact the bio-dad. That is crazy! Sometimes OC's are better off without knowing until they become of age if then. Like my H said to me, if his mom told him tomorrow that his DAD was not his bio-dad it would not matter because that is his DAD and that is the person who raised him. Now, if IW is NOT married like she says then her OC will NEVER have a DAD in her home regardless. I think that is what my H feels so bad about because he grew up in a TWO parent home and it WORKS! I did not and I vowed I NEVER wanted my children to EXP that. I want my H and I to put our children to sleep every night. He also knows that regardles of the Csupport that OC's life will not be the same or what he invisioned for his children. It will never be.....


OW and H have very different backgrounds and upbringings.She and her husband are from another country. She says her H is waiting on his citizenship??? My H has no idea about OW's childhood or philosphy on raising children. We do not live in the same city and even if we did it would not work. I cannot have OC become the center of our FAMILY. OW is drama filled and wants to seek my H's attention by using OC as bait.

A few days after I found out IW called my H's cell and I answered alleging the kid was in the HSP. When we called back to find out how OC was all she could talk about is what H would be sending her each month in csupport. She demanded $3K a month after we offered a lower figure. I explained to her that the conversation was OVER. In fact, I told my H why are you considering this. We need an ATTY. He thought he could do this without the courts. He was pleasantly surprised that he was not dealing with someone in their right mind. In addition, he now reflects that all the initial conversations he had with her prior to my knowledge were all about money. My H was scared and he did not know what to do. I told him he should have told me first instead of hiding this for 4 weeks. In addition, a day after that she called back stating H agreed to by a car seat and bedroom set for OC. Why is all of this H's problem all of a sudden. What happened to your H? She told my H she stopped her H from seeing the kid because my H was the biodad...Now, is that really in the best interest of OC. She also told her ATTY my husband was supposed to get a BIG promotion. Now, why are you interested in that information - $$$$. The information is not true. My H's attorney told him he was a BIG TARGET and this person basically used him to get paid for the next 18 years and probably work very little in the future. My husband now sees this clear as day even dating back to when the fling started. She asked him for money during that time as well. He could not see the writing on the wall.

She wants to create issues and problems. She is a manipulator and I will NOT have that in my family - NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

She has burned her BRIDGE with me and my H's is almost out.


When I think things will calm down....I find out I am expecting -go figure. I am very early in the pregnancy. I have a long road ahead of me. I take one day at a time because I have been down this road SOOOO many times. I know have to have a procedure to keep the baby inside of me. Keep me in your thoughts.

Again - Thanks so much for your support.

P.S. I think I'm ready to write a short NOVEL...

Bethesda, it is very clear that the ow is after money. Usually that's how it is especially when a c is in the picture. It doesn't matter how many times we see this in the news, the men think they are immune to it.

Think of something you really enjoy doing and let that be the center of your attention. When you think of thoughts that make you upset try and turn your attention to the thing you enjoy. For me it's music. During my dark days when I couldn't sleep or do anything else I would lie in bed with my earphone in and play my favorite tune over and over again. I got lost in the music. It was a plesant escape. It actually drowned out the thoughts in my head. I literally slept with them on and music playing. I kept the battery companies in business. (smile)

Continue doing what you are doing by posting here. I wish I had this forum while I was going through. One thing I think most women have in common is the need to talk. We may need to talk about the same thing over and over again. You can do that here. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Congratulations on this pregnancy. Take care of yourself. Let that Attorney deal with all the crap. Your H can pay him to help protect you and this little. The attorney can limit all C between OW and your family, and limit the financial damage as much as legally possible.
Your H needs to know that he needs to keep you in the loop. He cannot keep the information secret to prevent stressing you or causing harm to the pregnancy. His silence will cause far more stress for you than his openness and full transparency. We can deal better with what we know, than cope with the great demons and fears we dream up from lack of knowledge.
(((Betheseda)))
Blessings,
Fled

$3000 A MONTH???? Holy cow! What is she smokin'?

My H income is high and he makes probably 20 times what she makes in a year. She out for money and was from day ONE! My husband did not see it. My H admits that she came after him. He never asked her out. She likes them young. She is OLDER than my H. Whatever! I'm not going to let OW or OC still my joy. I am focused on repairing my M and focusing on creating the family that my H and I have dreamed about. She made this bed and thought that she could work her magic and get over on my H. She actually told him he did not have to tell his WIFE. Go figure! She did not know we have everything together and live as one so what is his is mine and mine is his. She is clueless and always will be. I pray in advance for the NEXT victim.


I'll take tekoa's advice and think of good things going forward. When I'm down I'll post because it makes me feel better.

I'll continue to TRUST GOD. I really think God is working on my H and exposing him in order to make him into the person that he should be. :))) I love God! That is the only way that I have made it through all my circumstances. I call this another season in life.....I'll TRUST you GOD.

Thanks again for your support.

It hurts the BS that there is an OC and also hurts the BS that family money has to go to raise the OC.

This does lower the families standard of living. Though your WH is as any dad must pay to raise his child.

Time to let DNA tests, lawyers, and the courts determine a fair amount for CS.

Fed min wage 7.25 x 40 = $290 wk

You said your WH makes 20x's that $5800 wk. Lots of couples not making that combined. At least you are well off. Imagine if your WH was making $290 wk and had to pay CS.

Courts tend to feel that "all" of a man's children should have the same standard of living.

Understood. However, it hurts when my H knows this person is completely out for $$ and the money will not go directly to OC. It will be used to create a lifestyle OW never had. Again, it is just MONEY but my H is just upset at the amount that is needed. Our children will not spend $2-3K a month. I hope OW uses the money for good and saves it for OC to be used in the right way but in MOST cases that NEVER happens. At the age of 18 OC has no college FUND and NO savings. My H suspects that OW will not return to work for a while. She will enjoy her extended disability.
In the state we are in it is a set schedule based on the monthly income. Again, we are resolved that the money will go out every month and it alters things slightly but we will still live and there is always more money to be made. In addition, I work and I don't plan to stop working AT ALL. So I think we will be fine but it is just unfortunate that we know the OW's motive and my H played right into her hand and is now stuck with a BILL for 18 years.

Bethesda, I think what really hurts more than just the money is the fact that she will be benefiting from the money. If you knew it was going specifically to the child, it wouldn't hurt as much. But we all know that it doesn't take that much to raise a child.

My h paid 600.00 a month for the past 10 years. But he also took care of everything else(glasses, health care, clothes, daycare, afterschool care, so all that went to her for her use. He also had his child 4 days out of the week. She never did homework with him. If he had homework on the days she had him it would stay in his bookbag until dad got him and did it. Well, as soon as we remarried he took her to court for joint custody and cs modification. He now pays 250. a month, because of the time he has him. Where we live cs is based on a set amount that is needed to take care of a child. Then that amount is divided among the parents based on their income. When the judge lowered the cs she cried in court. She actually said, what am I going to do about Christmas and their birthdays." She works and her new husband works. And my h continues to take care of all of his c needs. So she still spends the 250 on herself. And to top it off she has never allowed him to claim his son on taxes, but she allowed her mother to claim him. Which is illegal. She doesn't worry about claiming him, because she has 2 other children to claim, and expecting her 4th. She already has 3 children by 3 different men. At least this last one is supposed to have the same dad as the 3rd child. I shared this so you could have a laugh! Men always tend to affair downwards. (someone beneath their spouse)

It is a shame that our men don't see that at the time. They don't think past their "head" and not the one on their shoulder. The next 18 years should be a stark reminder to him. But of course it will be a reminder to you as well. After some time it won't feel as painful

Thanks for the information.

I think over time it will become less painful and I'll have more things to think about. Actually OW will be on the losing end at the end of this because money does not my complete happiness - TRUST me.

I would rather have peace in my life and live a moderate lifesytle than to have all of the money in the world and have DRAMA!

God will get me through this....I will LIVE again! :)))

That's the attitude to have. "You will LIVE again"

Hello Everyone,
I wanted to provide an update since I have not posted since 4/2/2010.

Things have been very quiet. After we hired ATTY and made it VERY CLEAR of our wishes to have NC we have not heard from our ATTY or OW's ATTY since the beginning of APRIL. I'm not sure what has happened. I pray that OW has moved on and decided to allow her H to be the FATHER of OC, however, a part of me believes OW is waiting for her H's citizenship to go through then she will make a move. Although, I made my decision that I would NOT ACCEPT it and OW or OC will NEVER be apart of my life or FAMILY. I ONLY have one life and I REFUSE to expose my children or myself to a DRAMA filled LIFE. In addition, it is not FAIR to me to accept this sinful ACT. My H had to make the ultimate decision. In order for our marriage to work it would be NC with OW or OC. PERIOD! Otherwise, I'm leaving and I'm done with my H. I thought about resentment but I don't care because I have to look out for MY FEELING and my HEART! Why should I have to live with a constant reminder! Why is it FAIR to my children to be exposed to MESS and DRAMA!

We are still attending counseling at least 1-3 times per month and that has HELPED! We are also moving on to prepare for our family.

My H says he does not think about it and only thinks about it when I bring it up. I don't believe him..:) He tells me he made his decision and he has no regrets and wants to really move on with his life. He says if and when he has to meet his financial obligation he will and that is it. NO CONTACT for LIFE. Our situation is a little different because OW was aware of this and just decided to come out of and address it after 2 years with all parties. OW was wrong on so many fronts. She had her H believe OC was his child and he bonded with the child from BIRTH. I think it is only fair to H and OC that they continue to BOND because OC will NOT have my H in her LIFE.

I am very hopeful that TIME will heal our MARRIAGE and we will continue to live a FRUITFUL life of LOVE and HAPPINESS for one another.

Thanks for your support!

You sound good Besthesda. What do you suppose makes someone lie for two years and then come clean? I cannot imagine what her motives were.

Initially money $$$. This was all about her creating a lifestyle. Like I said before, when she initially contact my H it was always about MONEY and getting him to accept her in his life from day one. My H now reflects and says it was about MONEY and wanting him from DAY one. He fell into all of her TRAPS because he was scared and thought by giving her money he could keep her quiet until he figured out how to handle. She asked him to take her and the kid on vacation, pay insurance for OC, buy a bedroom set, take kid shopping and open an account to give her money. This was all within the first 2wks of her contact him. My H gave her at least $1500 because she said she was NOT working and needed money for this and that. My H paid for the DNA test because she would not stop calling and at that point he had not told me. He was scared and did not know what to do. My H is young and has had very few exp with women and this was a nightmare that he thought would be go away but it came back to BITE him in the XXX 2 years later. Keep in mind I was aware of this affair two years ago and my husband told me he never had SEX with her, which I knew was a LIE. He says he told me that after I found out because he did not want to HURT me. Well, he thought nothing would happened and guess what...it did. I always told him what is done in the dark will come to light and the TRUTH will come out. During my H's initial contact with OW she told him her H had died and she was a widow and thought my H was the father of the child. She told him she knew from day one when OC came out because she had a difficult time holding OC. We later find out that the other H is NOT dead because she later told my H he was not. This is just a BIG MESS. She is a liar and my H being clueless was thinking with the WRONG part of his BRAIN. My H openly admitted that this is NOT a person that he would ever want to bring around his FAMILY. He said this was JUMP OFF and someone that is SO unlike him and his morals and values. He is so SORRY now but you can't change the past but what he can DO is make sure this NEVER happens again because I WILL NOT be around. I cannot take an unfaithful HUSBAND. Like I said earlier, I have ONE LIFE...not TWO...and I want my LIFE to be GREAT, FUN and HEALTHY. I'm TIRED of PAIN and HURT. I've been through to much in the last 2 years. It is amazing how one event can shape the way you think of other MEN. My H and I are reatlively young and have at least 40 more years of life ahead of us and I REFUSE to DEAL with PAIN, DRAMA and HURT. I told MY H if you CANNOT do this please LET ME KNOW NOW! I told him I would totally understand, but he owes it to ME to let me know NOW so that I can move on with my LIFE. That is only FAIR. There is always another MAN but I doubt VERY seriously I would entertain another one for a VERY LONG TIME. I have no interest because in my eyes they all have the potential to CHEAT and that is something that would send me over the EDGE.

**Sometimes I want to WRITE OW a letter to explain my feeling and thoughts on the situation but I have come to the conclusion that OW is NOT my problem. I need to work on my H because he is ultimately the one that I AM very UPSET with because he knew better....trust me. In my H's line of work he KNOWS the consequences of not rapping it up! In addition, he should have NEVER put himself in that position to begin with because it is JUST WRONG!

We have decided to share this information with a few friends and our parents know. Our g-parents don't know. At their age it would be to much for them because they LOVE both us on each side of the family. Our sibilings are not aware of the situation and never will be. We have decided not to ruin our family with this MESS. This would be to much to explain to the children in our family who really look up to my H. It would not be fair to them. My mom has always told me that some things are better left unsaid. And this is one of them....



I'll keep you posted on my progess.

Life MUST and WILL go on....

So very glad you dropped by! You sound good. Keep taking care of yourself