Hi Ladies - Update!!
OW filed court papers and my H was served today on his way out to a basketball game after his ATTY specifically asked the other ATTY no to serve him since he was represented. It is confirmed that she was married and the OH signed a waiver of parental rights which allows OW to seek support in this state. She also listed that she wants a parental plan and specifically said I was trying to sever all ties between the biological father and this child despite DNA testing. She also said my H insisted on the DNA test which is NOT true. She kept harrassing him so he felt he needed to because he was scared and did not know what to do. He figured if it was negative he could move on with his life. Now she says he requested - NOT TRUE!

My H has made it clear that she wants NO CONTACT with either party. I afraid our state will force a parenting plan. I told my H our marriage will NOT WORK. It is not fair to me. I've been through SOOOOO MUCH and I only have 1 life. Now, I'm pregnant and had to have major sx recently to keep the child inside of me full-term. I have some real BIG decisions to make because if CONTACT is forced down my H's throat I cannot remain in the marriage. The only way our marriage will work is to have NO CONTACT otherwise I am leaving my H and will raise my child on my own.

Hi Beth, I just hate these bitty OW's. They are they ones that screw our H's and then cry foul and mistreatment. They just make me sick.

I seriously don't think a state can force a parenting plan on you guys. Have you asked your lawyer? Like you, we are NC and based on the way I feel now, I want NC forever and will likely leave if OW in my sitch starts all this mama drama (note she currently is leaving us alone, not seeking CS, etc.). Our lawyer said that we "could" sign something that waived my H's parental rights although H would still be responsible for CS. I would check into that.

Please keep us posted. Take care of yourself!!! (((BETH)))

Thanks for your support!

My H is on board with NC and has asked me to TRUST that this will all work out and we can move on with our lives and raise our children. He told me last night he NEVER wanted the child and he NOT the father of the child, just the bio-dad and OW never gave him an opportunity to have a say in the matter and he just does not think it is fair that she can come back into our lives and DEMAND that we allow this child into our lives and our marriage. He said at the end of the day he will have to live with his decision but he cannot control or change the past be he will CONTROL the future. We both agree we have one life and having this situation is NOT what we wanted for our family. I just hope I can remain STRONG. I will feel SO MUCH better when I KNOW we have to pay CS, HEALTH and LIFE INS and THAT IS IT~! I really don't care how much but I cannot STAND the thought of OW. I have NEVER MET her and I NEVER want to meet her during my LIFE TIME. Can I enjoy the rest of my LIFE with MY H and MY CHILDREN...Is that to much to ASK?

Bethesda,

I have never heard of a state forcing visitation on a non custodial parent. They will enforce CS and possibly life insurance and health insurance costs on him so be prepared.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and I will keep your little one in my prayers for a healthy delivery.

Bethesda,

One loose cannon in your plan is the OC, I'm an OC and I didn't see my biological father until I hunted him down at 35, be prepared for that eventuality. Your husbands relatives are OC relatives every bit as much as they are to the COM.

I used to keep my parentage a secret, but now I tell everyone, and will eventually contact everyone I can find in his family. I have already found everyone in my biological Mothers family.

God Bless
Gamma

I'm also an OC, and I've only met two people in my father's family - my father (whom I haven't seen since I was 14) and my half sister (who I met when I was 24, and who already knew of my existence). I have chosen to stay out of the lives of my father's family. Most of them (including my two half-brothers) do not know of my existence. I don't really consider them my "family" at all. Yes, we do share some common DNA, but this is not the family that I was raised in and, although I once felt differently, I currently do not feel as though anything is missing from my life because they are not a part of it.

My point is, there's no way to know how the OC in your situation will feel in the future or what he/she will choose to do, and there's no use worrying about something that is far in the future and not within your control anyway.

Thank you for this, writer1.

Gamma, anyone who puts a child up for adoption or goes NC for their own personal reasons knows that the adult child may come looking for them. I do not agree with you tracking down your bio's entire family. That sounds quite invasive to me. JMHO and please do not start an argument.

Gamma- I actually have NO problem with the OC seeking out her bio-dad as an ADULT if that is what she wants to do and my H is in agreement. We actually spoke about that and would be happy to explain WHY H made the decisions. If my H is no longer living then I would explain without a problem.

I'm not sure if you read my thread but the OW is married and my H is married. OW waited 20 months to notify my H of this situation. My H moved on with our life and was working very hard to restore our marriage and it was going really well. OW called me after the fling was over to apologize and tell me she never had SEX with my H. She was very sorry and hoped that I would forgive her. I let it go. Now, she wants to enter our life again 2 years later and throw OC in my H's face - I don't think so. Her H has been the FATHER of the child from DAY one. However, she really wants my H to be her partner in life. She is very confused and what my H now understands is that his actions prior to notifying me of this sent the WRONG message. Women are emotional beings and while men take SEX as just SEX women often times become emotionally attached and will do everything possible to make your life a living HELL just to get back at the WIFE. Some on the otherhand can move on with there lives. She is definitely out for the $$$ and not for OC's TRUE best interest.

Writer 1 - I agree with your response. It is actually just DNA and at the end of the day bio means nothing. It is actually the person in your house who raises you everyday that is really your father and if that is your mother than so be it. I had my mother. She was my mother and father until she remarried. My dad sent CS and had visitation but did not exercise his right on a regular basis and I never wanted to go. I was better off with my mom. To this day I have a better relationship with my step dad because he was the one in the house with me everyday and saw me grow up. I know who my dad's family is and have spent time with them but it is NOT the same. I don't feel connected to my DAD's side of the FAMILY at all.


So, I agree, it is just a DNA connection and that is it. Thanks for your thoughts...

ITA with FF and Writer1. In our family, only our parents know about OC. That's it and we intend to keep it that way. It's only going to cause great pain in years down the road, when OC shows up, we are healed and this sitch gets ripped wide open again.

Yes, OC has my H's DNA, but that's all. Nothing else. H doesn't intend to be a father to OC in any form. Gamma, please consider ALL involved. No one wins, but I encourage the path of least resistance. If a bio parent wants to be involved with OC later in life, let them come looking and allow the OC to decide if the relationship should be pursued. Otherwise, accept and love the family that chose you. What is gained from pursuing those who don't want to pursue you?

Bethesda,

I know you said you would tell OC about the hows and whys I would also encourage you to keep a collection of H's family photos for OC. Identity is a very strong need for some OCs.

One of the issues which really bothers me is that MY children and wife have my adoptive last name which feels like fraud to me, I think I should have taken my wifes name when I married. There are just no clean choice for me now.

OW is married .... Her H has been the FATHER of the child from DAY one.

Does her H know?

She is definitely out for the $$$ and not for OC's TRUE best interest.

Perhaps you can try to get the courts to allow some percentage of the settlement in a trust OW cannot touch for college.

God Bless
Gamma

Migsamac,

Yes, OC has my H's DNA, but that's all. Nothing else. H doesn't intend to be a father to OC in any form.

Some estimate that DNA is 1/3 to 1/2 of who we are, I know in my case it was deeply satisfying to have my voice mistaken for my half-brother when I called my half-sisters house. Blood is still blood, and physical traits are badges of identity.

Gamma, please consider ALL involved.....Otherwise, accept and love the family that chose you. What is gained from pursuing those who don't want to pursue you?

KNOWLEDGE good bad or indifferent, I have to know everything I am a detail person, I can take the rejection if and when it comes. I wanted to know that my bio-Mother almost died from an overdose of pills after she gave me up and was put in an insane asylum, that my bio-Father was a superficially pious man with a reputation as a humanitarian, as they say at GOOGLE more data is better data.

Every person I met who knew of my story gave me an additional perspective, will I ever get the complete truth, NO, but then again who does.

Funny how many people on this site expect radical honesty from spouses, but not for children of affairs.

God Bless
Gamma

AGAIN Gamma you are assuming we are saying lie to OC. Why do you say that? Nobody says the child should be lied to but respect that fact that biology does not make a family. This is not the first time you have accused us of wanting to lie to the OC, that really puzzles me.

I've never heard anyone advocate lying to the OC on this site. My mother didn't lie to me about anything. I knew who my father was and the circumstances surrounding my birth. I had all of the information about my father's side of the family that my mother was able to provide.

When I was younger, I did have a very strong desire to know that other side of my family. I did feel like there were a lot of pieces of the puzzle missing. But, as I got older, I realized that biology (other than perhaps a medical history) isn't really all that important to my self-identity. I know who I am. I know who my family is. They are the people who loved me and raised me. I feel like, even if I were to get to know my father's side of the family now, that they really wouldn't feel like family to me. It was great meeting my half-sister and having lunch with her, but I didn't really feel like she was my sister. We didn't grow up together. We didn't have the bond.

My H and I are raising my OC. I don't intend to lie to her about who she is. When she's old enough to understand, we will tell her about her biological father. I have no idea if she'll want to meet him. I'll leave that up to her. But I'm fairly confident that she will always think of my H as her dad, because he is, in every sense of the word other than biology. He is the one who is raising her. He is the one who stayed up with her nights when she was a baby and held her when she was sick. He's the one who plays with her and loves her and teaches her and adores her. Those are the things that make a parent. Her biological father has never even met her. Even if she chooses to find him someday, I don't think she will ever have that same bond with him.

((Writer1)) I just love you to pieces.

I have never planned to lie to OC. I will gladly tell him how his (married) mother got drunk and screwed a married man. I will gladly tell him how my H disregarded the rest of his loved ones when he obliged. I will gladly tell him ALL about my struggle with infertility and how this is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.

The way things are today, OC will need to prepare himself for utter and total rejection if he comes to look for us. Different strokes for different folks but our OC will need to accept the family that wanted him as opposed to seeking out the family that did not.

Yes, H is aware of the situation. In fact, recently he signed a waiver of his parental rights in order for her to pursue CS. She has him under her spell as well. He has bonded with the child since the day she was born. The child has HIS last name and has lived with him from DAY ONE.

She will get enough in CS that she should be able to save for college for this child. The AMT of money she will receive is more than most people make in one month. She will never return to work because she will make more in CS.

It is a sad situation....it really is.

I just know for my life and my children I want things to be normal and MY H had a tough decision to make. He made it and NC is the way that is BEST for our family and I think in the BEST interest of the other party. We are in different worlds - TRUST me. Our circles are a far cry difference. In addition, this person is a complete liar and manipulator and will use OC to her advantage. She actually told my H she would make me feel important. She has said some horrible things about me. That I had 4 misccarriages because I was selfish. Seriously..... At some point I have to forgive my H but I have no respect or forgiveness for her because she does not MATTER in my life nor does OC. My H is priority and I am dealing with him and he is working really hard to keep our marriage. In addition, I am pregnant and found out in the mist of all of this drama. I recently had major sx (cerclage) to keep my child. I have been through a lot. I don't deserve to deal with another party and I'm NOT. We have been together 12 years. Life without each other seems unreal for us and our FAMILY. It would be devestating to our FAMILY, nieces, nephews, ETC. I think when years past and WE BOTH look back we will both agree this was BEST for us and was the RIGHT thing to do.


To be HONEST with you I think the OC would suffer more if we allowed CONTACT because we do come from TWO different worlds. Not only is it to much to ask of me, but it would be to much for a child and that is also why I think we are making the right decision.

OW would take complete advantage as she did early on when she told my H and I was not aware. He now regrets many things that he said and did because he sent the wrong message - he was unsure of how to handle because this situation is WAY out of his league. He grew up in a househould with a mother and father who have been married for 32 years. Never was exposed to MESS. Thanks for your information.

Writer 1 - I really value what you said in your last piece and at the END of the day I think that your H's decision to participate in the childs life was in the BEST interest of your child. She has a happy life and she does not have to worry about going back and forth between homes which in my opinion is NOT HEALTHY for children anyway you look at it. People think it is but it is NOT. I am a product of it and it does not work. At some point children do NOT want to go and it hurts the other parent. In addition, the household rules are different and lifestyle in my case is definitely different. It would create MESS. Best wishes to you and your family. I know a woman who NEVER told her daughter because she felt it did not matter. Her real father is the one who raised her. In fact the individuals bio-dad recently died and she still did not tell her and the child is an ADULT. She felt that somethings are left better unsaid and the child does not know any different. This very same thing happened early on in my family. My g-mom is not the child of her father who raised her but we never knew any different. To this day most don't know. It only came out by a sister when we had a family reunion to a few people that my great-gmom was pregnant when she met her H. My great-grandfather raised my G-mom and took care of her as his daughter and never would admit to anything else. I often look back when we would compare what my g-mom got from her dad and he never said anything. He went along with it and it was NEVER a question in our families mind and to this day it is not a question in most minds. The only reason why I know the story is because I happened to be sitting at the table with her sister. At the end of the day it does not change ANYTHING. My g-mom was loved in a family of 5 and is the oldest. She NEVER knew anything about her bio-dad and I don't know if my g-mom really knows the entire story nor does she care. She had a great life! In fact, my g-mom was born into the marriage and took on the last name of my great grandfather.....Like I said, some things are left better unsaid. Your choice!


**This OC also took on the last name of her current legal father and now OW wants to change the name. Best Wishes...

(((Beth))) WOW!! Thanks for sharing. Kudos to you also.

Awesome posts everyone! Writer what a blessing to have you on these boards.

Thank you all for the kind words. This was such a nice thing to wake up to.

Bethesda: I'm really sorry for what this OW is putting you and your H through. She really is a selfish person. I think it's just terrible that she's basically creating this rift between her OC and her H by making him hand over the rights to this child he's been raising as his own simply so that she can get CS and profit financially. It really is an awful situation and I wish she wasn't choosing to put you in it. Just try your best to take care of yourself and your baby. What a wonderful blessing this new life is going to be for you and your H! Just stay focused on that and try not to let everything else drag you down.

We decided when I first found out that I was pregnant that really the only choice in our situation was to tell the truth. We had 4 older kids (at the time they were between the ages of 18 and 13) who knew that my H had had a vasectomy many years ago. All of our family knew as well, so there really wasn't any possibility that the baby could have been his, and everyone knew it. With so many people aware of the situation, we decided that it would be best to tell our OC the truth when she's older, since the likelihood of her accidentally finding out would be great and I don't want her to hear it that way. I don't think it will matter to her one iota. She is very much loved by everyone in our family and nothing will ever change that. My H is truly a remarkable man for being able to accept her the way that he has. He is absolutely wrapped around her tiny little finger. It's so obvious when you see them together that he loves her 100% and very much considers her his little girl. When he comes home from work, she starts squealing and runs to the door yelling "daddy, daddy" with the biggest grin on her face. I absolutely know that I did the right thing in a situation that was far from ideal. I couldn't imagine our lives without this precious little girl now. It seems odd, because in so many ways, she has brought my H and I closer together. A baby really is a precious gift.