Writer 1 - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I try everyday but it is so hard to stay focused. I pray that God will redirect my thoughts. I'll keep you posted on my progress and thanks again.

Bethesda,

**This OC also took on the last name of her current legal father and now OW wants to change the name. Best Wishes...

This is actually not a bad idea, as it preserves the OCs biological identity, puts OC in the correct family tree and eliminates the perpetuation of this situation upon OCs children 20 or so years from now.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

As someone who grew up with my bio father's last name, I strongly disagree. I was the only person in my family (meaning the family who raised me) with that last name. I just didn't feel connected to my name at all.

My OC has my H's last name, which is also my last name and the last name of the siblings she is being raised with. That just makes so much more sense.

Again, bravo Writer. I couldn't agree with you more.

MY H made his decision to have NO CONTACT. The BEST option for the child is to have her H's last name. I found out as an adult that my paternal g-father took on the name of his grandmother's husband's name, so my maiden last name is not really my bio last name, however my g-father was not raised by his mother or father. His g-mom raised him so he took her H's last name. Does it matter to me - NO! I have no interest in learning about what would have been my bio last name if my g-father took on his bio-dad's name. As you can see, now that I think about it I don't have my bio maiden name and my maternal g-mom does not know who her bio dad is....I'm okay and our family is OKAY, so I could agree with WRITER 1 more! I think OC would feel apart of the FAMILY and it also makes things easier when you a filling out documents and when the FAMILY is introduced. THE OW I'm dealing with is from another planet. In addition, she has not been working and now that her disability has run out she is now ready for $$$. As I said in earlier post, my H's very fling was short lived and he admitted it. I found out very quickly and knew this person less than 3 months. I actually understand that my H is not the first person OW has gone after in the same place of employment. She was looking for a sucker and she found my H.

i have to both agree and disagree with the last name issue. in our sit the oc has my last name and is just as much a part of our family as any other child. she does see her bio regularly and is better off for it. she sees both sides of her heritage and is growing and understanding who she is.

since she is living 90% of the time in our house her last name does make her feel connected

no win my oldest dd's house she has 5 kids and they have 3 diferent last names. ALL of them feel loved and connected as family because of teh love they share and show to each other.

now i do disagree with the child needing to have her biological last name to share in that family tree. the child is just as much a part of the mothers family tree as the bio fathers.

I think in our situation, our OC having her bio dad's last name would have made no sense at all, since he isn't a part of her life. Not being a part of her life was something he decided all on his own, and logistically speaking, I don't see how it ever could have worked, seeing how he lives 3000 miles away. It would have been a nightmare trying to figure out how to transport a baby across the country for visitation, and no one involved in the situation thought that was in her best interests. Her bio dad did say he would agree to meet her when and if she so desires, though I think that may get a little sticky on his part, since his daughters, ex-wife, and new wife don't know she exists. I think he's putting himself in a bad situation there, but it isn't my problem. If my OC wants to meet her bio dad and learn about that side of her family someday, I will do everything I can to help her with that. But it all just seems so far away right now and not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about.

The one thing we have to grapple with is timing. Since her bio dad isn't a part of her life, at some point we will have to explain the situation to her, since she won't grow up knowing that she has another father. I'm not sure yet what will be an appropriate age for that (though I'm pretty sure it isn't 20 months, LOL). If we tell her too soon, she may not really understand. If we wait too long, we risk her thinking that we've been lying to her for her entire life. It's kind of a sticky situation, and it does concern me, but I hope we'll just know when the time is right and that we'll be able to handle it as delicately as possible. It isn't a conversation that I'm looking forward to.

Fled the STATE - Did you attend the CS hearing with your H?

Did you all try to come up with an agreed amount before going to court or did the ATTY suggest let the judge order the amount?

Does your H also pay HEALTH (did he purchase a sep. policy?) and have a LIFE INSURANCE policy?

Beth, I think it depends on your state. In mine, the CS is based on a formula that takes into account the H's and OW's salary.

Have you updated your H's will to reflect leaving ZERO or $1 to OC? Fled and Faithy suggested this to me and we did so ASAP. Otherwise, if the OC is left out, the courts can read it to be unintentional and make an award anyway. I also think that Fled, going forward, put everything in her name and nothing in H's. (Just to be safe.)

My H's will specifically states that he leaves NOTHING to OC and all to me.

My H and I also moved to another state.

H filed the CS case before OW did. She was livid! She didn't think H would file and she had wanted to file in our state because the CS laws are radically more liberal.

That state only takes into consideration the non-custodial parent's income and takes 20% of that amount for OC, up to a specific $$ amount. It didn't matter whether OW made a lot or a little. My income was not considered.


I have just learned a little about the will issue. A friend of mine was left $100 in her parents will (basically cut out as they were very wealthy), while her siblings shared all the rest. Her attorney told her that this $1 or $100 tactic doesn't work anymore and you can still contest the will and often get a judgment. Partly because the heirs want to finish it up and the contesting holds up all the money, so they make an offer. Sometimes the judge makes the award.

So, now I have to figure out what we will do on my H's will to keep OW or OC from contesting the will or prevent them from being awarded money from the estate. If H decides he wants OC to have $$ that's one thing, but I don't want them to be able to TAKE it from my family, or be given it by a judge.

So, it seems, we might have to be more creative in the writing of the wills!!

We already have a life insurance policy for the OC on my H in case he dies before his CS support obligation is finished. The policy was agreed upon instead of OW/OC having a claim on me for the rest of the CS until OC is 18. The policy would finish his obligations.

Hope this is helpful.

Yes, The CS will be based on my H's salary. We live in FL. The OW went out on disability and never returned to work. There is also another twist that her H was not a US citizen and is in the process of getting his green card. This is all very crazy. The OW knew from DAY one that it was not her current H's child. She admittd that to my H. She went along with everything for 20 months before she decided to let the other party know. I just don't think it is FAIR but the law says there is a 2 year statute...she is just shy of two years. Before we got an atty she told us that her atty told her that she was entitled to three K a month. She has never MADE $3K a month in her LIFE. She is a minimum wage employee - well now not working. What eats me up is she has NO IDEA how hard my H and I worked to get him where he is right now and the nights that I was home alone and up with him studying and helping him practice for tests, etc. She wants a hand out and she wants my H. She actually told my H that I would be a fool to leave my H. Actually, my H told her you are wrong...because I really do need my wife. I can't afford to DIVORCE her.....Understand my H is just beginning his career and has so much life ahead of him....and a whole lot of debt.

LBELLE - My H and I met in undergraduate. We have been together for 13 years and married for almost 10 years. My H has been in school for MOST of his 20's and early 30's. This is his 2nd year working. Although, his wages are high we are in a LOT of debt ( student loans, a condo that is under water that we cannot sell and are upside down on and will never get what we paid, we have very little savings in the bank (less than $300) because we have been paying off all the credit card debt we racked up while my H was in school and I was the ONLY income. It has taken us 1 year to get from under the credit card stuff and we are still NOT done. We also have STUDENT LOANS that are in the six digit range. So, my H's net worth right now is SUPER NEGATIVE! The only thing we both have is a six figure INS policy. My H also has a disability policy but that is to HELP us should he become disabled. So, I'm saying all of this to say my H has nothing to WILL anyone. Unless, OC wants an under water condo that will never make what we paid because we OVERPAID for the place. We don't own property,stocks, bonds, etc. We have NOTHING. We are just like everyone else because we have a condo in another part of the state and we are living in another...trying to maintain two households. Actually, I think this situation came at a good time because my H will ONLY ever have his W-2 check stub. We have decided that anything that we purchase or invest in will go in my name. We have not created a WILL because there is NOTHING to will. The insurance policy will be purchased for the CS so that should be sufficient. OW would actually get more in her insurance policy then my children will receive if something were to happen to my H. In addition, what 2-18 year old spends 2-3k per month....we are clearly taking care of OW and OC for the next 16 years, because she is NOT going back to work and her H would have no problem because he is also benefiting.....Keep in mind I am not dealing with professional people. These are people that have never had anything and have never worked hard for anything. I was not surprised to see OH contest paternity at the request of OW because I'm sure they both said, hey we can get 2-3 per month...plus back CS. Sweet!

We live in the same state as OW but luckily we chose to move after the affair 2 years ago trying to start over and we did. We were very happy....now THIS. This was a total shock to my H although he knew he had intercourse without protection.

Prior to finding this out we talked about moving to another state or area so that is a possibility. My H always looks for the BEST job opportunity. I'm still working as well from home. That is another thing that bites me...here OW is NOT working and I've been working and taking care of our household from day one and OW DID NOTHING to deserve money and will collect our HARD earned money. I consider the money my H makes as ours because we both worked very hard. I supported him more than what you can ever believe. I know how hard he worked for EVERY DOLLAR he makes and I know how HARD I work to make every dollar. We were going through our budget and my H admitted that he actually needs me to work in order for us to pay all of our obligations at this time. He needs me. I'm so tired of OW's looking for HANDOUTS and MEN falling into the TRAP because they cannot control themselves. My H knew better. He knows what unprotected SEX can do not only creating a child but also STD's, diseases, etc. This could have been a lot worse than just a OC.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for your assistance. I cannot wait to post the final outcome and really MOVE on with my life.

Whatever insurance their is for the COM their has to be for the OC. Judges have ruled HI for the COM, HI for the OC. LI for the COM, LI for the OC.

Never heard of having to have LI for the OC in case the WH dies before the OC is 18 to cover CS.

Is there LI to cover the COM?

No, but in our state OW can ask the judge for life insurance to cover the CS award amount. We would get a term policy and it would be over after age 18. The only LI we have is what my H and I had before this mess and that was to assist me if something were to happen to my H.

What about back CS?

Has anyone seen a judge that did NOT order bak CS because H was never notifid until 20 months after the fact?

I think OW should only be entitled to money from the period H was notified. It is SO NOT FAIR!

Actually TR, many states are so as*backwards they ONLY consider the child the CS case is for. They do not care about existing COM. I know some families in this sit where the COM have no life insurance or health insurance for their protection and have had to get by on very few "extras" because OC gets so much awarded. In fact I know one family that by the time health insurance is paid for, more than 50 percent of the FWH's income is going to OC. In that sit, the OW works and makes as much as FWH and STILL the courts awarded this ridiculous amount of money. It is all about the ONE CHILD.

Back CS depends on the state and the judge.

All of this is terribly unfair - to the COM and the BW. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were in this situation.

But I can see the other side of it too, since I lived it. Obviously, things have changed a great deal since my mother (OW) took my father to court. She got $125 a month for 18 years (never went back to court to have that adjusted for inflation). I had no health insurance. As an adult, I had to endure thousands of dollars in painful dental procedures because my mother couldn't afford to take me to a dentist. We ate off food stamps. I lived in a house infested with rats the size of guinea pigs.

Is any of this the fault of my father's BW or COM? Absolutely not. But, my father was 50% to blame for the situation, since he chose to have an affair just as much as did my mother. He chose to have unprotected sex with someone he wasn't married to, as did my mother. In my case, my mother paid for those mutual (and bad) decisions far more than my father, because that's how the law worked at the time.

In my own situation with my OC, my H and I have taken on 100% of the responsibility. The bio father has never offered a single dime and we decided it wasn't in our best interests to pursue CS. We have suffered financially for several years now. We are close to having to file for bankruptcy and will in all likelihood lose our house. Is any of this fair? Certainly not to my H or our COM. My actions caused this situation, so I suppose I'm getting what I deserve, but I wasn't the only one who made the choice to have an affair. The OM is just as responsible for this situation as I am, and he has had to suffer absolutely no consequences for his behavior.

There is no such thing as "fair" in this kind of situation. No matter what happens, it isn't "fair" to someone. That's what makes this all so terrible. There just are no good solutions to the problem.

Again, writer1, why I love you to pieces. You see the value in "more harm than good." I am very impressed with your H. I will be praying for good things to come to you and yours.

Am hoping my OW feels the same as you since she is leaving us alone to date.

What STATE is that? Please tell me NOT FL.
I thought it was based on income in most states.