Writer 1- You are very responsible, but the OW I'm dealing with is far from that. She is looking for HANDOUTS! I am certain at the end of 18 years she would have done nothing but supported herself and will place no money in an account for that child...I'm 1000% certain. That is the problem with CS. I wish the H's could pay for things and the money goes directly to the COST of the item. At least we would sleep better. My COM's will not spend that kind of money per month....I wish I could give it to you...LOL!

Some women no what it is to work for a $ and some look for handouts....

I have an aunt in my own family like that. Most of her adult life she lived off the CS of the fathers of her children (multiple fathers). Her gravy train is coming to an end in December of this year, because her last child turns 18. I don't know how she will survive....

WOW! I've only been on vacation for two days! Let see where to start.

Life insurance. I own the policy. I took it out. It belongs to me and I decide who the beneficiary is, ummm ME! then COM, then my brother. We were not required to have a LI policy by the courts (Yes, I was at all the hearings). The attorney who wrote our will claims it is legal to acknowledge that the OC exists and that nothing is to be left to him and his mother. Also, she can make a claim against his SS for death benefits. However, his "estate" is ery small. Everything I own, I own. She doesn't have a right to anything I have. and currently it is very easy to show that the income he earns doesn't pay for anything that is mine.
Betheseda,
Yes I went to three court hearings. She refused to get a job when she found out she was pregnant and only at the final court date presented a hand written piece of paper saying that she had signed up to do temp. work for an agency for * dollars an hour. I am pretty sure she is yet to work a day. Until we go back to court and force her to show the day care records along with her work schedule from her company and time sheets we can't prove it. (and how much will that cost?) we will deal with that when the OC starts school instead, and the daycare costs go down.

Most importantly, NOBODY can force your FWH to see OC. No they cannot! Listen to me. If you and your FWH choose NC then NOBODY can make it different. You need to take care of yourself. Let the attorney take care of your FWH's mess the best he can, and find a good financial planner/estate person to figure out what the best way to proceed financially to protect as many assets as possible and you and future com will be. Unfortunately the OW found her pot of gold. Your FWH's attorney's job is to keep that pot as small as possible (this isn't about what the OC needs or the amount wouldn't be so insane!).

$3000 a month is absolutely insane. No one needs that kind of money to provide for one child, especially a child who is living with 2 able-bodied parents who are capable of going out and earning a living and supporting him/her. It's pretty obvious that the OW in Bethesda's case is simply looking for a free meal ticket, and she's using her child to create a situation for herself where she won't have to work or worry about supporting herself, at least for a very long time. It's ridiculous, and it shouldn't be legal. Hopefully, a good attorney can get that sum down to an amount that is more reasonable and make the OW get a job and pay for half of the expenses. Your H should only be responsible for providing half the expenses necessary for raising the OC. He shouldn't have to completely support the OC, OW, and her H. That's just not right.

"$3000 a month is absolutely insane. No one needs that kind of money to provide for one child"

This is why many a BW see's a lawyer, files a separation and has CS awarded for the COM. Thus beating the OW to the punch.

Because OC CS then is only based on the income left over after the WH has paid COM CS.

However their have been many famous men that left their COM and D their BW to marry the OW and have a second set of COM with OW/W#2. Paul Neuman left his COM behind, made it big financially.

Did his orig COM deserve to live in wealthy areas that he did with the new COM? Did the orig COM not deserve the same vacations and schooling?

Clothing?

Cars?

Second homes?

Get to say my dad is PN with the same pride?

I sure his orig COM deserved at least that much a month.

But the key is ORIGINAL COM. I know TR, somebody will get a piece of the hurt pie.

I only mention the will information because it was mentioned in another post. And I understand you may not have anything but debt NOW. But you will. And OC will always be his child. Even after CS is over. And he/she will have a claim on any possible inheritance as an heir.................whatever amount their is.

So, it might not be something you are concerned about now, but you will want to think about it later.

We don't have an updated will. It was done before OC and the affair ever happened. But we need to address it at some point. I just heard the information about the wills recently and we will need to have a plan.

I may have missed it, but do you have a CS order from the court for $3000 per month? If your financial situation is what you are saying, I can't believe you are required to pay that much.

If you don't have a court order for the amount, were did you come up with that $$ amount? That's really high and I wouldn't expect that level unless your H had a huge salary!

Pops,

You wrote....

she sees both sides of her heritage and is growing and understanding who she is.

Thanks for posting that, I'm glad you understand the complex issues behind identity which always have a biological component in spite of our wishes for love to over-rule nature.

As OC we really do not have a definite status in life, and we have to accept that we are a part and not a part of whatever family we end up in, perhaps needing a type of double think to resolve our existences.

I think our OTHER status is communicated not so much explicitly where polite discretion rules, but is implicit in how we are treated.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks! I find in my case the ATTY only wants to deal with my H. I'm not sure I want to come face to face with OW because I have never seen or met her in my LIFE. However, I want to show support for my H. I'm afraid that showing up with cause more problems but I am not afraid. I'm curious to see what the ATTY will recommend. The way things have gone thus far it will probably be that I do NOT attend.

As far as the LI is concerned it was requested in her initial filing with the courts. The statute does not call for it but it is one of her requests. The initial petition did not request day care expenses but I'm sure she will come up with something.

I do agree we need a financial planner quickly. I think we are in a good position because we have NOTHING. We are negative as I have said before. Going forward we have to strategize about finances going forward.

We are both in agreement with NC. At the end of the day it is BEST for me. I cannot go on in my marriage looking at an OC and dealing with an OW. It is just not an option for me. My H understands it will not work as well. We are on the same page. I just want the order to be signed and for us to close that chapter until she comes back for an adjustment.

As far as the Health Insurance. I told my H we should purchase a separate policy because we are really thinking about moving. In my H's job if another opportunity presents we may go. This is something we talked about prior to knowing anything about this. We are not married to this state. I think that is a cleaner way to go.....

Well, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all of your advice. I really appreciate everything! Hope you had a great vacation.

Unfortunately in our state it is based on your income and IW right now is not working. Even if she was working she would only be responsible for a VERY small portion because she makes less than two-five a year. We shall see. I think it is unfair as well but what can you do. In addition, I think the back support is unfair as well since my H had NO knowledge of this CRAP! She will lie and say she could not find my H since we moved but that is not true because she found a way to reach out to him by searching for his father's office #. In fact, we were still in the area when she had the child. Just a low life...

The Road - I disagree with you!

In my case OW deserves NOTHING we have worked hard for and let me tell you I have SUPPORTED my H financially from DAY one. She was not born into our household or lifestyle nor will she live our lifestyle regardless of what we give OW, because OW will only spend it on herself and be completely reckless with the money. This is more money than she has MADE in her life time.

At the end of the day I know we have to pay OW but she will NOT still our happiness and marriage!

Yes....what is huge??

I thought I heard somewhere the CS isn't supposed to exceed either 20% or 30% of gross income - I forget which one it is. But if $3000 is only 20% or 30% of your monthly salary, then that's huge. To me at least. But then, I don't think my H even brings home $3000 a month.

bethesda

Your reading comprehension is a bit suspect.

I said the COM deserve the same as the new kids get with the new wife. As in PN's case the COM did not.

Now L will add this, all the children of a man deserve to be treated the same.

This is why affairs can never be compensated for. Nothing can be put back together the way it was.

The Road - To your point...I don't disagree with you but In most cases I don't think children of affairs are treated the same nor do they have the same life experiences as children born into a two parent family nor do children of divorced parents (depending on the date of divorce). It is NOT the same.

I wish someone did a special on children of affairs and children of divorced parents to really see the harm that is brought to ALL parties involved. I do agree that affairs can NEVER be compensated for!!!

I think that the only thing that a child born outside an existing marriage deserves is to be financially supported by its father. That child should not become the taxpayers' responsibility because its parents were never married.

Only the children born of the marriage deserve to be a part of their father's life. That is one of the main purposes of marriage: to recognise and support any children that are born of it. Children born outside marriage are not entitled to any particular kind of treatment from their fathers, except not to be a financial burden to society.

They are not entitled to visit his home, be welcomed by his other children, attend family functions, have their picture on the mantelpiece or have their father attend their functions. These privileges can be granted, and I admire those, like faithful follower, who choose to do this for OC. However, those who do not want OC in their marriage have the right to simply to do nothing in favour of OC.

A marriage vow is, in part, a commitment about the treatment of future children born of the union. There is no such commitment made to future children born outside marriage.

We should always uphold the difference between marriage and non-marriage.

Ouch.

I would never say that contact with the OC should be forced onto anyone, especially a BW and COM who had nothing to do with creating the situation and truly are innocent victims. However, the OC is also innocent in all of this. The OC did not ask his/her parents to have an A and bring them into such a situation. I do think we should be careful about presenting this in a way that makes the OC into something bad and shameful. No one deserves to be made to feel as though they are unwanted and don't deserve to be in this world or have a life, and sometimes (though it may be unintentional) I do get that impression from the occasional post.

I'm sure my father's BW wasn't too happy when she found out about me, and I'm sure she may have wished I was never born. So be it. But, as an OC, I cannot let that fact drain my life of meaning and make me feel that I am less of a human being because of the circumstances under which I was born. I'd like to think I have just as much of a right to be here and live a full, complete, and happy life as any child born into a marriage. My beginnings may not have been ideal, but they do not define who I am as a human being.

And I do also disagree with statements that somehow make the OW more at fault for the situation than the WH. The choice to have an A and create a new life was made by two people, and both of those people need to take responsibility for that choice. A child is not primarily a woman's responsibility simply because she is the one who carries it and gives birth to it. That is a very antiquated way of thinking. It takes two to tango, and the WH participated in that dance (knowing full well the possible consequences of his actions) just as much as did the OW.

I don't want to anger anyone. I know the BW and the COM suffer in situations like this, and it's not fair. I've come to realize that a lot of things in life aren't fair, but it is what it is. In a perfect world, only the people who actually do something wrong would suffer the consequences of their actions, but this isn't a perfect world. People do things everyday that drastically alter the lives of others. What about the drunk who chooses to get behind the wheel of a car and plows into the woman driving her children home from school? He walks away without a scratch, and this woman and her children are killed (or permanently disabled) because of his actions. Is this fair? Did this mother and her children do anything to "deserve" having their lives ended or permanently altered?

I hate the fact that there is injustice in this world as much as anyone, but that doesn't change anything. When an OC is brought into the world, innocent people are going to suffer. There's just no way around it.

I do think that the OW in Bethesda's case has nothing but her own best interests in mind. It's absolutely unconscionable for this woman to allow her BH to believe this child was his for 20 months, and then completely pull the rug out from under him and tell him the daughter he believed to be his all this time really isn't, and then to rub salt in that wound by taking steps to change the child's name and have his legal rights taken away just so that she can profit financially. Bethesda and her WH didn't even know about this child's existence until very recently, and I think under the circumstances, they're handling the situation as best they can, and I commend them for that.

Bethesda, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with a selfish, gold-digging OW. I feel sorry for any child who has to be raised by that kind of person too. It really is too bad that she can't step back and see what she's doing to her H and her child, not to mention your family. There may not be a "perfect" solution to these situations, but certainly, the solution that causes the least amount of fallout and damages the fewest lives should be the way to go, and she's obviously not choosing that.

Writer 1: Thanks for your perspective. My H and I were healing from this affair. This person called me and said she was sorry about one month after I found out about this. She said she NEVER had sex with my H. She made it a point to tell me that. I did not ask for this information. She told me she was a child of God and she would not want this to happen to her and was very sorry she went out with my H. This fling was for 2-3 months because I found out about it. Both parties said the same them. I did not find out about sex until this OC issue came along because he told me they did not have SEX. I did not believe him but I went with it to heal my marriage. This was not some long-term SEX affair. He told me he had protected sex with her twice and once without a condom and that was last time and he now regrets it 1000%. My H knows nothing about OW. He met up with her in cheap $20 an hour hotel rooms. This all came out...not that it matters at this point. How can you every TRUST someone again...including my H.

I love my H because we were healing. It has been 2 years and we were doing well. Now, I wish I would have left then but I stayed because I loved my H and my marriage and now this. This is not fair to me and I understand life is not fair but I hope people see where I'm coming from. My H has to work for the rest of his life to make up for this and I don't know if he ever will.

I thought about leaving my H and starting over with life. It all seems so scary. I love my H and all I ever wanted was to have a normal family. I'm also pregnant now so I'm faced with my child entering into a world of mess. At this point it is hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy because of all of this MESS. IT is so not FAIR!! I often ask God what did I do to deserve this in my life. I gave my ALL to my H and my marriage.

The least amount of fallout will happen if we have no contact with OW and OC. This is the ONLY way to heal and strengthen my marriage at this juncture in our life.


Sometimes I asked Why Did I get Married? Then I see on th news today Al Gore and Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years of marriage. Is that going to be me one day after I work really hard to improve my marriage? Are we trying to hard to make this work and is a break up inevitable? As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place.

I hope all of this improves with time. Some of the other stories are encouraging...

marriage license
what marriage license
a child don't need no stinkin marriage license

To want to connect with their birth parents is normal and natural. Relationships are not the same as sitting down to the diner table and ignore what you do not want to eat.

A parent should not ignore their child just because they were trapped into it. Men know what they were doing and the possible outcome.

However I believe in NC between the AP's even when there is an OC. There are ways to co parent without C.

A mess no matter what is decided. Some one will come up dirty end of the stick. If not all.

Road: The desire for contact with one's biological parents varies from one individual to another. I have a friend who was adopted. We grew up together, and she never once expressed a desire to meet her biological parents. She's 39 now, and she still feels the same way.

Bethesda: I can't even express how much admiration I have for your strength and courage. I think you are handling all of this with a remarkable amount of dignity and maturity. Your #1 priority has to be taking care of yourself and your family, especially that new little baby that's on the way. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this at all. No one deserves this.

Trust is a difficult thing. I struggled with it for a very long time. My H lied to me over and over again about his long term (10 years to be exact) EA with his ex-girlfriend. I had so many D-days I lost count. I think it just takes time, and them proving themselves over and over again. Actions really do speak louder than words, but it takes time to see the consistency in actions, and there really isn't anything anyone can do to speed up the process. I can't say that I fully trust my H now, because of the magnitude of the lies I was told, but I can say that I trust him more than I used to, and we have taken precautions so that neither of us ever put ourselves in an environment where an A is likely to occur, so that helps. But, I still check his email every once in awhile, I still look at his Facebook page.

Honestly, if the situation was reversed, I think I would have to have NC as well. I think that I may be able to raise an OC that belonged to my H, if the OW was not in the picture. But I do not think I could handle having to co-parent with the OW and have that constant conflict present in my life. I don't know if I could even handle having a H who had to make out that check every month. I don't know if I could handle having to watch a portion of our hard-earned and badly-needed money go to the OW while my family had to do without. I just don't think I could do it.

In our situation, we have NC with the OM whatsoever, and I think that's why it is working. My H and I are raising our OC as our own daughter, alongside our COM, with no outside influences at all. We don't have to worry about CS or visitation or co-parenting. That would just be a nightmare, especially with the distances involved between us and the OM. There have been times when CS certainly would have helped. We've suffered financially because of our situation (and the general condition of the economy), but I know the drawbacks of such a scenario far outweigh the benefits.

I just didn't want you to think that I was criticizing you for wanting NC with the OC. I'm not, and I definitely understand where you're coming from and I think I would feel the same way.