This is my first post here though I have been reading this forum for a long time. I wish it was around when I had my D-day almost 17 years ago.

I found out about the affair because apparently my husband was trying to end it, and she was pushing make more of it so the OW called me and told me.

After talking to my husband after that call I found it there was
a 4 ( almost 5 ) y.o. OC.

I could write a book about the rest ( as I am sure you all can. :-} ), but I will keep it short and to the point.

We moved many , many miles away and had no contact.


I wanted to post because I wanted to tell you, although it was not easy, we are better than ever, and having no contact was by far the best option for us, and I doubt we would be together if we had done otherwise.

We did not pay cs, as the OW did not want a DNA and we did not want to push for one.

To be honest, I know I made her feel if we did one, and it was my
husband's child, that I might consider going for partial or full custody.

I would never have done anything of the kind, but when she called me a second time, and kept calling my husband at work ( before we moved and in the first week or so after D day ) I realized what she did not want, and I used it.

Once we moved a few months later it was much easier to heal,
and I also think no cs payments helped because I am sure I would have felt resentment.

In any case, for us, no contact was the way to go and the only way it would have worked for me.

Having to deal with an OW even a little bit, would never ever work for me.

As it turned out, when OC was 18 she found us and called, and a DNA was done and was positive.

We started to have some phone communication, but we than ended it because of the OW.

That made me realize that I really had chosen the right
path, and any guilt I had was released.

Betterforme, WELCOME!!!!! Why don't you click notify on your post and have the mods move your post to it's own separate thread. Your story is just what I need to hear and would like to communicate more.

Again, WELCOME!

Writer 1 - I do not think that you are criticizing me for wanting NC. This is ultimately a decision my H had to make. I told him to tell the truth and we have also gone to individual counseling and dicussed the very same issue. I know I had to accept whatever decision my H made. At that point it would be up to me to determine if I could handle it and whether our marriage could go on. I know that I cannot handle CONTACT; therefore, I would have to move on with my life. It does not mean that I do not love my H, but I know our marriage could not and would not survive because I do NOT TRUST my H and it would be a constant chase and worry on my part and I'm really tired of that at this point in my life. I want PEACE.

My H and I had a conversation last night and he told me that the few people that know may judge him for having NC, but he felt it was the BEST option for his life and his FAMILY. He said he had no emotional attachment to OW. He would not even call what happened an affair because he believes an affair is when you have a long-term emotional relationship with an individual. He considers this to be a one night stand gone bad. At the end of the day we have to be happy and this is what is best for us. My H has no problem with OC contacting him when she turns 18 if she wants to know who her bio-father, but at that point she may not care to know.

I appreciate your support and again thanks for your comments. I like to hear other points of view because it helps me understand the whole picture, but at the end of the day we have to do what is BEST for our MARRIAGE. I can only take one day at a time and I know that it will be hard to trust again because I was just at a point before this blew up in our face of trusting my H.It took 2 years to get to that point. I stopped checking e-mails and snooping around because he was on the straight and narrow and I could feel the love and committment that we both had to our relationship. This situation set us back a bit but I pray to GOD that I will trust again. When you can TRUST your partner you sleep better and have no worries. It is truly a great place to be....

As far as OC is concerned I also PRAY her mother pick up the pieces and move on with their lives. Hopefully she will do right by the resources provided and give her child a great life. This is not unheard of because my MOTHER did it for me. My father did not live in my home because my parents were divorced. As I said, in earlier post I have a better relationship with my STEP FATHER because he lived in the house with me. So, Writer 1 I think you are doing the right thing for your daughter. Children want to be loved by parents and it does not matter if you are bio or not. Some of the BEST parents are non-bio parents. Think of all of the adoptions and surrogate parenting going on in our country. Those kids don't have relationships with their bio parents and most turn out okay and usually come from a loving family. That is what matters MOST whether it is one parent raising or two. The ideal situation is to have a two parent household but in this day and time there are all types of arrangements. Now, I'm not naive enough to think some children may want to know but in sperm donor cases most never find out and their lives go on...At the end of the DAY I pray OW accepts our decision and moves on with her life for the sake of her H and her child. At some point you have to move on and that is what we plan to do. Thanks again.

Betterforme - Thank you for posting. I cannot believe you are still around 17 years later. You are definitely my inspiration.

As I said before I think we are doing the right thing. We live about 400 miles away from OW and OC (we are in the same state). We planned to move out of state before this was presented to us and my H always knew he wanted to look at other positions in other places, so we are going forward with our plan and nothing will stop us from doing that. As far as the $$ is concerned, I've come to accept the money and trust me it is hard. We will try to do payroll deduction so it is not a constant reminder in our mind or should I say my mind. I hope to look back 16 years(OW's 2 in a month) from now and I hope my H and I can say the same. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Is your marriage much better after 17 years? Have you been able to regain TRUST?

Bethesda, I am an OC as well, one who was put up for adoption at birth. I was raised by my loving parents, knowing I was adopted but not seen as "different." We were a real family. 12 years ago I contacted my bmom, then my bdad. My biological relatives are nice, interesting people. But if I had had to figure out all of them AND my mom and dad as a child, it would have confused the crud out of me. I am glad that I was able to do this when I was an adult and ready.

In other words, I think you are making the right decision for your family. I never felt lost or incomplete or like I didn't fit into my family. I know who I was, even without a DNA component.

Luri, Thanks for sharing this.....

Lurioosi2- Thanks for sharing your stay. My H and I know that we are making the right decision and we know people with judge us but we are comfortable with our decision and want to move on with our lives. My H is starting to heal and has learned not to think about the situation until I bring it up to him. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I think about it everyday. I hope that this will go aways soon. I try to focus my time on my health, pregnancy and the future but it is so hard to let it go. Sometimes I wish I can fast forward 2-3 years. Thanks again for your comments and I am very happy that you had a good life. I do agree DNA is just what it is DNA.

Many children are born into families that have no connection to their parents but live wonderful lives. It is possible for OC and it is up to her mother to make that happen and move on with life. If her mom chooses to do something else with the resources that she will receive every month then that is something she will have to explain to her child.

Thanks again and best wishes to you.

Hi Friends - This is a follow up to my story. I rec'vd the ultimate BLOW today. For those of you who have been following my story, I previously reported I work from home but my main office is in the town where we lived when the A happened. My family also lives there. We were visiting for one week and I decided to work in the office. My H was supposed to be studying for his exam but was with OW and OC (This was before he spilled the beans to me). I also previously reported that OW told her ATTY that she and my H were intimate during that time. My H told me he was not and did not have SEX with her AT ALL. We have been in counseling and he admitted to the counselor as well. Well....today we rec'vd a letter from his attorney saying that OW is pregnant again and knows that my H is the father. He had a breakdown. He had to admit that he did have SEX with her again and did not use a condom. He then came home that night and had sex with me and I am pregnant. This is a SICK picture. I am definitely DONE! I have decided to stay in this rental until my child is born because I am under my H's insurance but after that I am moving back home with my mom and will live with her until I can get on my feet and find a place to raise my son or daughter.

I can say in my heart that I tried to make this work. My H is a liar and definitely has a sexual addiction problem.

(((Bethesda)))

Oh Hon! I am so very sorry for your pain!! Please keep coming here to heal yourself, we will be here to help you. Now you need to go get your own lawyer. Go get all your ducks in a row. You need an attorney to protect you and that little one. You can heal from this over time, I know people who have. Please don't disappear from here.

Fled

Oh wow, Bethesda. I am so so sorry. What a sick liar but remember that all waywards are liars. So this is the second OC supposedly? Yeah for me personally that is a deal breaker. I know other BW's that have survived two OC's but it takes tons of work and a very repentent FWH.

Oh and please get a thorough STD work up including HIV and herpes.

Bethesda, can you email me? I wanted to tell you something away from prying eyes.

killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com

She told her ATTY that she is pregnant again and it is my H's child. He admitted to having sex with her and coming home the same day and having sex with me. We probably became pregnant within the same week, because I know when we were visiting my mom we had sex most of the week so I know he had to have sex with both of us in the same day. The bottom line is my H misrepresented the TRUTH again. After the counseling that we have attended since D day and all the talks he still had a secret and the secret came out again. He tells me she told him she was birth control. My H has a problem and I have to move on. This time around I seem at peace with this. I am glad that this came out now vs 4-5 months when we would have continued to work toward healing our marriage. Thank you God for revealing the TRUTH. Enough God! I hear you loud and CLEAR. I'm running the other way. Thanks for your support. I will keep you posted.

I am going to remain in town until the child is born because I am under my H's insurance and I am HIGH RISK. I do not want to change doctors. My H agreed to sleep in the other room. I think we can live and be okay. I'm a BIG GIRL. I've cried enough. Now it is time to put on my game face and prepare for my child and the new life we have ahead of us. I will move with my mother and stepfather once the baby is born. Luckily, my job is based in Miami so I will go back to the office vs working from home. I'm looking forward to the REST of my LIFE and I pray to God that it is better than the first 1/2. Thanks again for your support.

Gosh...I'm not even sure how long it's been since I posted here last, but I do read often. But this has brought ME out of the woodwork. Reading this was like a punch in the gut so I can imagine how you felt receiving this news hon.

Bethesda, my biggest hugs to you sweetie. I've recently been following your story and am truly impressed with your strength. Please don't lose that now. You sound STRONG and I'm so proud of you for that. Yes, there will be times when that strength wanes, ESPECIALLY since your pregnant. Just reach out here and draw your strength from here right now.

I am so, so sorry this is happening. There's just no reason for it. I don't care if he DOES have an illness. There's just no excuse, reason...whatever, to inflict this sort of pain on ANYONE.

Oh Beth. I absolutely cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. Please remind me. Do you have other COM or is your current pregnancy your first child?

I think that none of us can tell you what to do. Like FF, we know folks that have survived two OC's, but I absolutely cannot imagine it. I think I could say with confidence that this would be the deal breaker for me.

Like Fled said, please do get your ducks in a row. Please continue to post, vent, etc. We are here for you.

My heart is so heavy and sad for you.......You will be in my prayers.

(((Beth)))

This is not my pregnancy. I had 4 miscarriages over the last 2 years. My most recent was last year @18 wks. My H told me about the OC then I found out I was pregnant. Well, now I know the OW is now pregnant again, with what she believes to be my H's child. I had to have abdominal SX to help keep the baby baking because I have an incompetent cervix. I don't know if this pregnancy will go to term, but I'm hopeful. I've been through SOOOO much pain and hurt between pregnancies and my H cheating on me that I'm tired. I'm tired of giving and trying. I have done everything I possibly can to make our marriage work. I don't know how many set backs a person can take. Keep in mind after the A we moved on worked toward repairing our marriage. Then, 2 years later we find out about OC. My H had no had contact with OW Jan 2008. Now, he does it again with the same OW. My H knows better! He is a physician. It is unreal to think that my H had sex with her and came home and had sex with me. This did it for me. He needs help and I hope he gets counseling quick or he will be in a world of trouble. He goes from having NO children and not really wanting children to having 1 for sure and 2 on the way. How about that? All of his check will go to an OW he does not know and his WIFE who was the only person who stood by him from day one.

This is a situation where I was with him in college. I filled out his MED school applications. I supported him financially in MED school, residency both emotionally and financially. We have been through many things together. His FAMILY is very shattered by this and my mother-n-law just cried on the phone with me because she cannot believe this is happening to her FAMILY. She told me he was not raised like this nor did he see this type of behavior growing up. I think my H's sexual addiction stemmed from high school and continued through his early adult life. This is a story that shows a person that has it ALL can give it all away just like that.....My H just started his career 2 years ago. He has been in school for 12 years and now ALL that he worked so hard for is out the door. I have no sympathy for him but I know it is ALL his fault. He should write a book to help others avoid the same road he traveled for NO REASON. I was a GREAT wife. It was not that he was lacking at home because I was MORE than generous. He was selfish and enjoyed the feeling of having sex with another woman. It is a sick thing but MANY MEN go through the same thing. I guess that is why you see men who do this type of thing do it a 2nd and 3rd time.

I wish him well and he will always be apart of my heart. I still love him but I will move on and hopefully he will do the same. This will shatter his grandparents whom I am very close with. I am currently helping his grandfather get Medicaid for his grandmother who is ill. The grandfather and I talk everyday. He wants me to take over their finances because it has become to much for him. This is bigger than my H. He has no idea what he has done to his FAMILY.

I hope I look back 20 years down the road and I can laugh and thank God for the life experiences.

I will say this...always listen to your inner thoughts. They are always right. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I had the FIRST miscarriage and my H started cheating on me shortly after and the 2ND miscarriage. I believe God was showing me signs....I just wanted to believe that the marriage would work out.

My next goal is to save money and seek legal counsel! My mom has agreed to let me live with her when the baby is born...Thank God for Mothers because I don't know WHAT I would do.

The SICK thing about this is that the OW is still NOT the person that I would ever think my H would entertain let alone have SEX with. IT is all so unreal!

Thanks for your support! I'll keep you posted.

Bethesda, I can't even tell you how sorry I am that this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and that little baby. That's what's really important right now.

Thanks! I am. My focus right now is to continue working, remain healthly and focus on my child. Once I have the baby I will sort out the rest of this stuff. Since I am high risk being stressed out is NOT in my best interest. If OW is pregnant there is nothing that I can do about it, so why worry about it. This is my H's problem. I ask God to give me strength to continue livin in the same house with H until the baby is born and that we remain freinds. Again, this is an allegation but keep in mind she is still married as well. This is what is so SICK about this whole thing! It is CRAZY!

Beth, I have something I would like to share with you. Can you please email me at migsamac@sbcglobal.net?

Migsamac - Thanks! I will e-mail you in a few.

Bethesda- I am new to this group but when I read your story, I just had to talk to you. I am still married to my husband who cheated with his Ex-wife. They already had a child together from their marriage and she became pregant from the affair. I was 5 months pregnant with our first child when he had the affair. I didnt find out about the affair until almost two years after the affair because she was requesting a paternity test to receive child support. I wish I was as strong as you. It is very hard to live this kind of life. Continue to take care of yourself and your baby and keep God in your life. I will keep you in my prayers.

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SurvivingLife