Surviving Life - Did you divorce your husband?

The sick thing about this person is that my H had not seen her for 2 years. The only reason he was visiting was because of this whole paternity issue that he just found out about. Why he would go back and have sex with her again is BEYOND ME. He says she came on to him and he could not control himself. Well, whatever. It was not like he did not have things going well at home because he was also having relations with me. It is a sick feeling but I STILL LOVE my H. I'm not sure where our relationship will go. This will be our first child and I really wanted a family for my child.....I'll keep you posted.

Bethesda: Are you sure this was the first time your H had seen the OW in two years? Waywards lie. I don't think I would believe much of what your H is saying right now unless it can somehow be verified. I can't even tell you how many lies my H told me over the course of his 10-year EA. Sometimes, it would take years before he would finally admit that he wasn't where he said he'd been but rather with the OW.

One story that sticks out in my mind is the time when his car supposedly broke down on the freeway on his way home from work and he had to wait for a tow truck to take it to the garage and get it fixed. He finally made it home about 3 hours later than usual. We'd been in contact by phone off and on the entire time, so I didn't really even question the story. A year later, on one of our many D-days, he confessed that the car had never broken down at all. He was sitting in it in the parking lot of a mall with the OW the entire time, including when he was talking to me on the phone making up all the lies about a broken down car.

I don't want to stress you out more, but I would be very careful about blindly believing anything your H is telling you. Check and verify everything.

Bethesda-

I didn't divorce my husband. We are still married and happy again. It took some time, some very difficult times, and a lot of work. But we have made it work. My husband and I went to a few workshops and he went to a few counciling sessions, but our biggest help was getting involved with our church. We became part of a few different groups and he finally opened up and got it out in the open and dealt with it. I don't think if he had not had to fess up in front of others that he would have held himself accountable for his actions. It wasn't until someone other than me opened his eyes to what he had done and what he had to do to fix it that he dramatically changed. It did take us almost 2 years to get back to really loving each other and we are still working on things today to make it better.

But it really does depend on whether your H realizes he has a problem. You can work and work at helping fix your marriage but if he doesnt take responsibility for his actions then you're just going to go in circles. You can't make a person want to change. He has to want to change himself. If he is still seeing her behind your back then he still hasn't acknowledged the fact that he has a problem. Regargless of the reason why he was meeting with her in the first place, he should never be meeting with her alone due to the circumstances. That OW is up to no good.

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SurvivingLife

Writer 1 -

Yes, I know that he has not seen her in 2 years because she had to call to find his # through his DAD's office in order to contact him about the #1 OC. She could not locate his #. Remember, we moved 400 miles away JUNE 2008. She had all the time in the world to contact my H about the pregnancy, but she waited for 2 years before contacting him. I believe him. The first time the individuals # comes up on my phone bill was 2/7/2010 when he finally returned her call because his dad said this lady keeps calling my office asking for you to contact her and that it is really important.

My H says he originally went to the H because she wanted him to see the child. He should not have been there. During this time I was not aware of this situation.He did not tell me until after we returned from SOUTH FLORIDA. This WOULD NOT have happened if I was aware. He regrets not telling me upfront. My H has no common sense.

He just said to me that the ODD thing about all of this was that he would NEVER consider this to be an AFFAIR. He does not know the person. They did not have some lengthy relationship. My H says she came on to him and he lost control ( no excuse ) but this is what he says. Where her alleged H was in all of this - I do not know....

You should see him now, he is SO DEPRESSED.

Thanks for your thoughts. My guard is not down..

Surviving Life - Your H's story sounds like my H because he told me the same thing. My H also had it well at home and there was not excuse. My H MUST learn self control because this will bite him again right in the BUTT and I will tell you I MAY NOT BE AROUND! I can ONLY take so much. The other thing that bites me is WHY an OW would not protect herself. She is not SORRY for what she has done. Now, she is walking around the H where my H worked prior to this and showing a picture of my H and OC, which she asked him to take. Yet again, he fell into the TRAP. He has not told anyone about this. He is a professional and should have known better but what NERVE for her to walk around with a picture and show it off when she is married. I don't get her marriage - it all seems very crazy. Like I said before, I think she married her H for him to get his green card and she is a BIG FRAUD all the WAY AROUND!

Her day will COME! I don't know how one person can be a BIG LIAR and at the same time talk about how she is a CHILD OF GOD. I have the TEXT message she sent me apologizing about this and asking for my forgiveness if she hurt me with her words, but what she left out was that she had SEX with my H again. Sometimes, I wonder....I don't make this stuff up! We could do a movie and hopefully it would have a happy ending with us MOVING on with our LIVES and STAYING clear of OW and OC's because the situation is TOXIC! Who is the NEXT victim for this person?

The OW didn't protect herself because she was intentionally trying to get pregnant, again. She likely sees your H as a free meal ticket. He's a doctor with a good income and the amount of CS she'll get for two kids will probably be enough for her to live off comfortably for the next 18 years. She won't have to work or worry about anything. That's my theory at least.

I'm sure your H is very depressed. He's probably just now starting to realize what a horrible, lifelong mess he's gotten himself into. The moment of realization is very difficult. I've been there. He will probably spend a lot of time beating himself up for his stupidity. I know I did.

Bethesda- It sounds to me like that OW is a big touble maker like in my situation. My H Ex never even appologized to me. In fact she threatened to do it again. There are some evil people in the world who don't care about anyone but themself and probably never will. Sounds like she likes to be in control. She is using this situation to conrol your H, you, and even her own spouse.

If you and your husband do want to stay together and work it out, you have to work together to guard your marriage. You have to be in this together and you have to decide to stand strong against this OW. He can't be going to see her about OC without you. If he is wanting to see this OC you have to do it together and this is where you decide if that is what you want. It is hard. I can tell you from my own experience but it is able to be done and it does get easier. The stronger you are together, the less opportunity the OW has to destroy. Your H needs to know exactly how you feel about the situation and together you need to come up with a plan for these situations. Remember, you are not being controlling of him to set boundaries. Boundaries help protect your marriage. You need to decide together how you will move forward in this situation.

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SurvivingLife

Beth, it is possible OW's H is sterile. She wanted kids and her H wanted a meal ticket.

Faithful Follower -

We are dealing with a SLICK OW. Her H is from another country and it appears that he was living off and on here. He was in the process of getting his green card from my H's understanding. She told my H she was getting a divorce but turned around and said shew as going to work it out with her H. Like I said, there is something about this person that is NOT RIGHT! We have not figured it out and I think her marriage is suspicious and she is also the same. Her H signed an affidavit contesting paternity. I believe she told him if he did not sign she would not follow through with the CARD. This is ALL crazy to me. This person someone who works in environmental services at the HSP and is looking for a meal ticket. My H now sees the light! I wish I could say I was exaggerating this but I'm NOT. I've given the facts as I know them......

Surviving Life - My H told his ATTY if this new OC is his he wants to maintain his NO CONTACT. He can't deal with OW and has no interest in the children at this time. Maybe he will change his mind later in life. Not sure. Right now, his focus is our marriage and our unborn COM. OW has caused so much pain and he just wants to move on....his ATTY told him to let him handle the situation and he will do his best to minimize the blow. We don't know what will happen with this new OC. I'm not sure how I will even handle this once we find out for sure.:(

Just when I thought we were moving forward we now have to wait until the end of the year and possibly the beginning of 2011 before the new OC issue shakes down because she would be do around the same time as me if she is pregnant. By then, I hope to have complete focus on my COM and less on her issues. This is HER problem and unfortunately my H has to pay for his actions. I just hope he NEVER lets this happen again.

Writer 1 - Yes, In her world she would not have to worry about anything because she has NEVER made the amount of money she will receive in CS. However, she will have to face her children one day and explain this situation and I'm sure that is going to be the hardest part of all of this. My H will also have to explain one day should they come knocking at his door at the age of 18. It is all so crazy.

He was in bed today and just said it was not like this was some type of affair...It is a BAD situation. I did tell my H that he needs to seek HELP because he is unable to CONTROL his thoughts. I'm not sure if it will help. Just think if he would have allowed contact with OW/OC..she would have used this and it could be years of just SEX and more OC's. I knew our overall decision was right and this JUST proves it. OW has some REAL growing up to do and she is OLDER than the both of US. Go FIGURE!

I'm not planning to leave my H at this momment, but the SAD thing is if I were to go and ask for CS I would probably get less because I also have relatively high earnings and the JUDGE would show no mercy..... I just can't get over giving MONEY to someone that has NOT worked as HARD as we have to be where we are at our age. It BLOWS ME!

However, $$$ is just $$$. If OW wants that then she will have it but she will not STEAL our family, happiness and marriage! Life will go on......

Lastly, what really BLOWS is that OW can attempt to contact my H on his job but could not call him to tell him about her NEW PREGNANCY? The information was told to her ATTY who told my H's ATTY. Go figure! I'm curious to know what she is telling this alleged HUSBAND??

I'll keep you posted. As the world turns....

I do think it's important for both you and your H to realize that this was indeed an A. Even a one-night stand is an A. It doesn't have to be a full-blown relationship in order to be considered an A. Yes, it is a bad situation, but it is also an A. An A is any type of inappropriate relationship that occurs outside the boundaries of the M. So, your H sleeping with the OW is most definitely an A, whether he had feelings for her or not. He needs to own up to that and take responsibility for the damage he has done.

Have you and your H read "Surviving an Affair"?

Funny you asked. I read that book when I first found out about this two years ago. The counselor recommended that book. I read it from cover to cover and was trying to move on...I think I should pull it out again!

I agree...with your statement. I think my H is trying to rap his head around how he had SEX with OW. I can't explain it for him and I do not understand. I think your are probably right! It was an AFFAIR. I guess it is hard for him to rap his mind around because it was SO short....

He will have NO CHOICE but to own up it because he will see it every month coming out of his CHECK!

Thanks for your comments.

Beth, Look into separating from your husband (on paper) and filing for CS for your unborn child. I assume you are already paying for OC #1? If you can file before OC #2 is born, the courts might take into account the amount he is "paying" for your COM and reduce the amount owed for OC #2.

Not sure what the regs are in your state????

Migsamac - We are not paying for OC # 1. Keep in mind we just found out about OC # 1. We are in the early stages of that case. OW just filed documents through the court. Now, she is she claims this 2nd pregnancy is my H's as well.

My state does not recognize legal separation (FL). There is such a thing as a post nuptial agreement but we have to ask an the ATTY about that. That crossed my mind, however my COM is not in this world yet and will not be until NOV 2010. I'm not sure when she is due. If this is my H's then it would be around the same time because he had relations with both us within the same week. He has not seen her since the time we were in visting our last place a residence together.....

We have not spoken to OW so we don't know specifics on the pregnancy. My H's ATTY told him NOT TO CALL because it will create problems. We should remain NO CONTACT!!!

O' she will have to file a paternity claim because keep in mind she is still married.

There is definetely something fishy going on with this lady. She has an agenda no doubt. Maybe you guys should do a little investigating about her.

Surviving Life - I agree. That will be up to my H. I do agree that something is NOT right and we cannot put our hands on it just yet. O' I forgot to tell everyone when she called my H she was in the psych ward @ a local HSP for having a breakdown. She said after her sister died and coupled with this she had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for weeks. Thanks for your support.

Bethesda- I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. I have been praying for you. If you need anything we are all here for you.

Hi SurvivingLife,
Thanks for checking in and keeping me in your prayers. Things are not the worst and not the best but I thank God for what it is. I am trying to press on. Things on the CS end for the #1OC are in full force. My H had to prepare his financial statements last night so hopefully H and ATTY can come to an agreement on a number and move on. My H still can't believe OW is pregnant again. He says she told him she had an IUD and he knows she had one...go figure. However, he has not spoken to OW so he cannot no for sure. I believe she is pregnant.....time will tell.

I'm trying to be normal and put on a happy face for his family, my family and the baby I'm carrying. I'm trying to enjoy my pregnancy but it is so hard. Our focus has been on this CRAP!

I'm trying to keep my head up! Working helps me take my mind off things. I'm also helping my H's grandparents get some benefits so that also helps. My H's grandparents and I are very close. His G-Father considers me his daughter. He wants me to help pay his bills (with his money) until he passes. He is 87 but still kicking. He calls me at least 2-3 times a week. It is crazy but I love him like he was my grandfather....Although I met him 12 years ago It feels like I've known him for a lifetime.

Well, I'll keep you posted. Keep checking in...Thanks! I hope all is well with you.