thank you
I will try to remember that time will heal me and that probably the more I am exposed to his irrational life the more I see his true colors
After all there is a reason why I ran into that lady earlier adn why she told me all about H. in some way I must feel the pain to the max in order to heal and get over him.
He would be a nightmare to be with right now anyway. I can only imagine that all he cares about is to train for the next race and look good in it. To be charming and lovable and come across as a super nice guy....who must have had such a b@tch of a wife...otherwise there is no explanation why such a nice guy like that decided to leave her..

Boy he can be such a liar and a charm boy!!!!!
blessing

I am not sure I agree that you must feel pain to heal, but it certainly helps set up a negative feedback in your heart towards them.

Atena, in order to heal, you have to stop feeling the pain. These triggers are NOT helping you heal, they are keeping you emotionally sick and worn down to the point of nervous exhaustion. All of these triggers are not good. I wish I hadn't sent those papers today and am rethinking a few things.

I know all the triggers are not good and then I go into mental messes!

I am even thinking that maybe my way of seeing things is wrong.
Please reassure me of the following (or tell me if i am wrong):
Any H would be delighted to spend time with W. He would not tell her that he wants to do what he pleases and have friends and be able to talk to other people, including other women. He would not tell her that he would like to make plans that do not include her. He would not be so obsessed with his physical shape and his masculinity...
Or is it that most men really want all of the above but do not hae the courage to ask or put it into practice...and the ones that do are then the ones who end up ending the M?
If I could see this situation under a different light maybe I would not be in so much pain. If i thought that what my H wants is pretty "normal" then he would not be so bad...
I don't know.....
blessing

Atena,

Please seriously consider creating a life in a new location!

Between being in WH's realm for work and errands and the pain you are still triggered into......it is so much more full of angst than you need.

Is there any place away from there that appeals to you where you could find employement and a cozy, lovely nest? Someplace that perhaps you know a couple people from already who are not pals of WH?

my carreer depends on spending at least another 2 years in the job where I am at. I am not in a competitive carreer. My position is usually the first one to be cut in a crisis and it is unfortunatly the case right now. So I actually have the chance to a promotion if I stay where I am at...while if I leave I will very likely find myself in a precarious situation if I am lucky to find a position at all
It is a true predicament because I totally understand the problem and do know (and unfortunately feel it on my skin) the impact of having to work in the same place and share many acquatainces and friends with H.
This is what makes it hard for me to be very dark in plan b...but also this is my H 2nd A and he did it in a pretty ugly and heartless way. I feel as if I have been raped and every time I have to hear about him or be in touch even thru the IM I feel totally in pain and devastated.
wehave a son in common and a home to sell. It will take a long time before I can say we will not need to contact eachother for common issues.
I am not convined taht other people in dark plan Bs who use an IM are immune from H contacting them. If so then I have a bigger issue thatn others...
blessings

Your husband was thoughtless and cruel. I would be hurt and outraged if my H had female "friends" and made plans that didn't include me. Especially knowing it upset me!!

You know what Dr Harley says, Atena??

Atena, why can't you try and get a position back in the US??

I will and that is my plan,but I need experience as head (blanck) right now I am assistant (blanck) it would not be a wise move it would basically be like shoting myself in the foot.

My H always saw my jelosy as a big love buster and lack of trust towards him. He went as far as saying that my jelousy was a self fulfilling profecy and that my fear of him having As was what actually caused him to have them. He said that it was part of a lesson for me to grow up...that at times life makes us confront our worst fears in order to wake us up.
Make he was right because this was a huge wake up call for me....

Blessing

Hi all,
I had a conversation with a good friend and she said to me: I apologize for telling you this, but atena, you are really thick. How can you still have feelings for a man like your H...when god has shown you all the sign he could possibly manage to make you understand your H is just not worth one of your tears!
Folks...you know me now for a while....am I exceptionally thick!?
Blessings

Atena, do you know the meaning of the term "gaslighting"?

Melody uses it a lot, gaslighting, so I am familiar with it. At some point i wanted to get the exact meaning and I looked it up on the dictionary and did not find it...HOwerver I can easily guess the meaning as someone who sets you on fire with his disrespectuful behaviour...

Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.

Wiki article here

Thank you littledoggy. Is the person doing it aware that he (H) is doing it? Is it a conscious thing from his part?
blessing

Atena,

firstly just call me Lil - please

Secondly yes, they know they're doing it, ad I have heard some shocking examples of it being used right here on MB. Such as the WH who's BW walked in on 'the act' and insisted to the BW that she had been seeing things!

Sometimes its just saying things to make you doubt your feeling that things are not quite right.

At it's worse, it can make someone believe they are going insane

ok Lil...thank you
I read the article you sent. I then went on to read the definition of a sociopath and yes, there are many elements that coincide with H behaviour.
One of the many therapist I have seen once told me that my H was very manipulative towards me and that he had me wrapped around his finger. She was very surprized at how good he was at figuring me out and taking advantage of me.
Also, H always maintained i had huge problems and fears that I needed to work out especially related to jelousy issues. This was also supported by a horrible M counselor we saw years ago.
But I do think mainly my H has a HUGE sense of entitlement that makes him believe he has the right to be happy at all costs. Once he acts for the sake of his own happiness he has no regretts, feels no guilt and is ready to lie. He said he had to lie to me beause he was afraid of me and my reactions so he had to do it to protect himself and our son.
He painted me like a monster.
To the point that, for years, I believed I was one. and somehow the label still sticks.
blessing

There was a poster here a while's back (Verve) who has an interest in psychology and the like. Anyway she found some very interesting articles online somewhere which showed some correlation between an active wayward, and people with sociopathy, narcissistic, and other similar disorders.

Basically waywards are insane

MB thread on gaslighting:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=146375&Number=1954184#Post1954184

According to Wikipedia the incidence of sociopathy is one % or less and we know that there are lots more WS than that so not all WS are sociopaths...and i know no one is saying this is the case.
Yet when I read:
Psychopathy (which is similar and at time used as Sociopahty)is a personality disorder characterized by an abnormal lack of empathy combined with strongly amoral conduct, masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal.

I can't help but say: yes this is my H.
It is AMAZING. He is able to do what he is doing and act absolutely normal. He is also extremely removed and distant and extremely intelligent.
He gaslighted a colegue at a meeting the other night. The collegue said that H was able to say the most mean things about him and at the same time keep a very calm, cold and distant behaviour.
He has his followers at work because of that. He is cold and manipulative, but very charming (good looks, good manners, will say anything you want to hear).
Folks, I think my H is in the 1%.
Thank you for informing me about this. I can see now how sick he is. From what I read there is no cure and the people affected rarely seek it because they do no think there is anything wrog with them.�If all I read is true, then he really has no capability to love or have feelings and if he does they only last a short time, he might not care at all about OW and might have been lying to her all along just to get sex and other favors from her...
blessing