SC

I don't have any financial advice to give. Our pension is going through changes right now and it is best left to the pros.

Just wanted to jump over here a bit and look around. I myself may not be far behind you.

I would also carefully use A info on a need to know basis at this point. The closer in friends and family-all of it-others based on the closness of your relationship with them.

I'll try to keep up on your thread. I may not comment much since this side is a bit foreign to me at the moment. Hope you'll check in on us from time to time.


Nesre

nesre,

Always good to here from you..... I'll post on your thread latter.....

Talked to my lawyer yesterday......


Good news the video I have is admissible....... she says I can probably avoid having to pay alimony because of it......

Bad news is WW sill is entitled to half of everything we have in spite of her behavior.........

Been thinking about my pension....the monthly benefit should be a max of $6000 month..... I'm about 10 years from retiring so I figure the max I should give to have it intact is no more than 150k..... that should be worth 300k by the time I retire and would produce about 30k a year in interest which would ruffly equal what the annual pension pay out would be


appreciate your thoughts ......

Had a bad day yesterday..... Had talked to the WW and she is maintaining that she wants 50% plus alimony ...... My lawyer says I probably can win on the alimony side but it will cost $$$$$$ to fight it while I pay for both lawyers ......

The other side of that is as we spend it on the lawyers then that is less that the WW will end up with....(me as well )

I can't understand how she can sit there with a straight face and and demand all that ..... She has no shame.......

Doing better today I know I have to take it one day at a time....

Read on one of the threads to always plan on the worst case scenario and when it works out better than that your pleasantly surprised .....my motto for today........

You should sell it to me... for little of nothing... wait a couple years, then I will sell it back. heh... kind of like those women who get a note form the husband saying 'sell my stuff and send me the money' so they sell the Mercedes for $500 to a college kid.

Her lawyer's job is to get her whatever he can. He advises, she accepts the advice. That is it, just think of it like business. There are few people in the world, and MUCH FEWER WSs who will give up a penny of money, deserved or not. It is just the way it is, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Expect the worst at every turn. That way when it happens, you won't be surprised. When it doesn't... you will realized you have been blessed.

This advice was given to me by my IC during my first divorce. I took it and it REALLY did make things better. She also basically told me I should NOT marry my second wife. Should have listened to her more than once........

Can't,

I guess it was on your thread I read that statement ...... It's a good one and I'll do my best to take it to heart.....

I do find my self beating myself up over the money........ I know it's the way it is but ...IT ISN'T FAIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT !!!!!!!!!!!!

feel a little better.....

still

Just so you guys know there is even more going on in my life besides the D....

Last summer my next older (never married) brother was diagnosed with a CNS lymphoma (brain tumor) I brought him to my house while he was treated with CEMO then Radiation , He just finished the last round of radiation a few days ago......

Doctors feel we will have a window of relative good health starting now......

So the plan is that all 4 brothers (no sisters) are going on a road trip to Yellowstone for a couple of weeks . We're driving to Denver on Monday and picking up and RV to hang in for the next 2 weeks.....

I have no doubt that it will distract my from my current situation nicely for a while.......


We're planing to go as far north and Great Falls and as far west as the Lochsl river outside Missoula....

I'm wide open to any ideas on cool things to do......

My brother has traveled the world and hiked the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine but hasn't been to Yellowstone...

I know we'll have a great time......

You are going to love Yellowstone, spend more time than you think you should there - it's never-ending. Sounds like such a great trip. Enjoy every second, SC.

opt

Day 6 of the Epic road trip to Yellowstone with my 3 brothers......

been in the park for 3 days now so far we have seen...4
3 Grizzly
1 Black Bear
1 Otter
1 Bald Eagle
4 marmots
Hundreds of Buffalo (Bison)
bunches of Elk
bunches of Pronghorns
bunches of Mule deer
2 Wolfs

and the list grows.... My sick brother is doing quite well and it has been a wonderful trip so far......

That's awesome SC. I knew it would be a great trip.
What about Old Faithful? You're planning to go over to that area right? It's quite a site also with all the geysers.

Thanks for posting up. Now get back to snapping pictures.

opt

Just got back last night from the epic Yellowstone road trip. My sick brother, in spite of getting a cold, had a great time. I lost count of all the animals we saw, It is the caving season for the buffalo the new ones were dropping everyday. The Grizzles were bringing their cubs out as well.

I think it snowed everyday we were in the park !!! and not all the roads were open because of it but it made it a magical place. My favorite area was the Lamar valley, that was where we saw the most of wildlife. Got a picture of a wolf guarding a kill site, that was really neat, have decided I would not want to be in a tent in the back country and here one of those guys start howling!!!!!

I left my sick brother at my oldest brother's house where he will live for the next couple of months, he gets an MRI in mid July and then we'll have to adjust his care....... hopefully he'll be in remission and could go back to his house.

As for me I was glad to decompress with my brothers it's been a rough couple of years for me with the 1st D date over 3 years ago, brothers cancer, loss of my mother if February, and now moving to plan-D with the WW.

Went out to dinner with the WW and we talked some more about the division of assets. I think were a long way from an agreement and feel progress is slow. Her lawyer likes the meditation process and has encouraged the WW to pursue it if we can't reach an agreement. "SO the beat goes on " It's hard to be patient(sp) and wait for the process to work.

By the way she said tonight that she doesn't want a divorce just needs to have an open relationship so she can feel free to pursue whatever interests she has.....


And Opt for the record I took over 500 pictures and drove about 6000 miles without a ticket, and only one warning in Texas(close one)

Opt,

Thanks for you input on your thread, I continue to struggle with the aspects of the whole process, there are a few things that I worry over.

One is as I read other threads like Fred's a recurring theme seems to be a great degree of pain over the loss of their marriage, over anniversary dates ect. Were I stand to day I can't wait to be out of the misery I'm in, to be free of the deceit, to get my life back, to not have to worry over the contact my WW continues to have with the POSOM or what other relationship she may choose to engage in.

I'm scared that I'm in a fantasy land and will have my world crash in around me once it's over.

Another thing I worry over is the Holier than thou attitude I have over the WW affairs, I see myself as a near perfect husband, always faithful, attentive, responsive to her needs, devoted father, blah blah blah.

The obvious question is if I'm so perfect then why is my wife cheating on me??????

Back after the 1st exposure we got into counseling and several issues she had were brought up, and I did my best to accommodate those needs. Those being our lack of a sexual connection, and the church we were attending.

We talked thru the sex part and stopped going to the church we raised our kids in, and as she moved towards atheism I gave her as much space as I could.

I'm so convinced in my head that I'll be so much happier free from this marriage.


OK, the next thing is, as weird as it is we get along great, there isn't any fighting, we still sleep in the same bed when I'm home, go on bike rides together, go out to eat and have a good time,

The WW and I don't talk much about her atheism which is her favorite subject these days.

So I have a problem with the fact that I still enjoy her company as much as I do and I know I'll miss her terribly once were finally apart, but I just don,t think it will be that bad, I see it as a huge improvement over where I am now, that I can seek out a new relationship (they are all ready sniffing around) and I like the idea of being in a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP,


Another thing like you Opt, my WW wants to maintain a relationship with me and to go vacations with the kids together. I don't have a problem with some of that either but I'm not in a relationship and I'm sure I'll boundary issues with that later. Wondering if that's normal????

I've been gone from home most of May with my brother's Yellowstone trip then off on a work trip. I have planned to go on a week long bike ride as soon as I get home from my work trip which will give me some more space, but all that time away doesn't move us closer to an agreement. The last time I was home we agreed for the WW to set up an appraisal of the property, I hope she's done that but I haven't ask her and have been avoiding calling her more than necessary.

Not quite sure where I'm going with all of this other than wanting to know I you guys see any red flags in all this.

Everyone's different SC. I'm not really having the same kind of hard time that Fred seems to be with the emotional side of it. I'm sure Fred's adjusting to a lot of things that are giving me trouble as well.
If you're sleeping in the same bed and riding bikes together, I have to imagine her $LB is relatively high (except that she LB's by continuing her relationship with another man); so you will probably have some void to fill when it comes to recreational companionship. Unless you plan to continue that after your D.

SCom, you know better than this. Have you forgotten basic concepts, or have you not read enough from this site. Dr. Harley says we are ALL prone to A's. "Given the right circumstances, we would all cheat; and given the right circumstances, none of us would cheat." (paraphrased). You're not perfect :), but none of that has to do with your WW's affair.

You realize you're letting her have her Half Marriage, right? Is that the kind of M you want, SC? I'm not judging you if you do, it's just not MB. A lot of people out there do much crazier things than that.


I've been thinking about my anticipation of a "normal" relationship, and realistically there probably isn't one. Women we date are going to have baggage like us. But having a relationship where both are committed to each other isn't too much to expect. You definitely don't have that now.


SC, your kids are grown. You did well to provide them a good home and show them what a loving relationship looks like through the years that kids form their ideas about such things. You did your job. You can stay in this marriage and not have all of your needs met (maybe having some is okay with you), or you can get out and seek another, or you can Plan B and hope your WW wakes up to a new day and allows you to start a new marriage with her - one like you never knew even in the good times. I don't see any other choices for you. Maybe I'm missing something.


For the record: I have no intention of vacationing with my WW. She wouldn't feel comfortable sun-bathing next to the 20-something I'm going to be dating.

Opt

Hi SC

I may be over-simplifying the situation, but I recommend that you make moves to "move forward" to the next chapter in your life. It doesn't seem (from what you've told us) that your wife has any intention in the near future to give you what you need out of a marriage. In fact, she appears to be in a selfish phase right now---esp. considering that she has asked you for an "open marriage" in the midst of everything she's put you through recently.

You still have many years of your life left to find happiness. I might guess that there are things that you have always wanted to do, but never had the time being married with children. Well --- now is the time. You have raised your kids and soon you may be a single man. Think of this divorce from a new perspective, an opportunity to get out of a stressful, unhappy situation and move on to new beginnings.

Sure, it gets lonely sometimes---but you get used to it. The best cure for loneliness for me has been spending time with my son. And you are lucky to have 4 children to enjoy! I would suggest making some one-on-one plans with each of them. Or maybe visit some other friends and family that you have not seen in some time. Rechannel you energy to such relationships that have positive returns. You will feel so much better.

That's my advice. Best Wishes.

Opt & SC, there is a new update on my thread. Since I read yours first, I'll address some of the observations you've made.

It seems I can't hardly get on my feet these days without something else happening........

After I got back from my last work trip I signed up to go on BRAG that's "Bike ride across Georgia" on Wednesday night of that trip, I got a frantic call from one of my DD's telling me that her twin sister's long time boyfriend had killed himself.

My DD started dating this young man in 10th grade of high school. She went on a National student exchange this past year for her sophomore year of college and they had agreed to put their relationship on hold for this past year. They had seen each other only once since she had returned and she had made an effort to reconnect with him.

He was not very responsive and had had a bad semester at school.


I had bought a college house for when my kids were going to be at UT, ( Older DS and the 2 DD's ) anyway none of my kids were there this past year because of exchanges so the DD's boyfriend and 3 other buddies of his used the house this past year.

My DD had called the boyfriend to ask him to come over Tuesday afternoon to hang out but he told her he had driven back to school, When he stopped answering his cell phone one of the roommates had a mutual friend go over Wednesday evening to check on him and found him in the back yard.

After I got the word I called the parents and as I had feared they had not heard yet, and I had to tell these wonderful people that they had lost their son................

He was such a fine young man and I had been hoping that my DD and he would reconnect. I looked forward to them getting married. He had been an integral part of our family for years, had gone on several vacations with us. I loved that boy..................

It's just so so sad that we couldn't save him he had so many people that loved him and were trying to reach out to him over these past months. He had not given any sign that he was suicidal, no one close to him saw it coming.

I got to do another fun thing, after talking to the boy's parents I drove up to the college house to get there ahead of them. Was glad I was able to do that as the rope he had used was still up in the tree..... And I stayed with them while they collected some of his belongings.

As your kids get older and they develop relationships you become invested in these other kids lives, this boy was truly a part of our family. I know it's not the same as loosing one of my own but I am grieving his loss much worse than when I lost my mother (90) earlier this year. I see his loss of potential, he had so much going for him, personality, hardworking, integrity,passion for life, he had everything he needed to be successful. All I have been thinking is what a waste, I'm mad at him for not reaching out even a little, I mad for not seeing it myself, I can't help but feel I have just lost the son-in-law I was suppose to have...........

As you can imagine my DD will be affected for the rest of her life by this, I know she'll recover but the pain she is in now is overwhelming. I am so sorry for her, I am so sorry for my friends that lost their son,

Never thought this nightmare of the past 3 years could be any worse but it has...........

For now I depend on God's grace to see me thru, I have great friends to depend on but it doesn't take the pain away..............

It has helped telling you this, just nice to get some of it off my chest...............

It is so sad words I know can't convey it, I miss him

I am so sorry for your loss, SC. And make no mistake about it. He may not have been your son, but it's still a loss for you.
In the midst of everything else, I can't even imagine it.

I've heard God only gives us what we can handle. You must have some pretty broad shoulders my friend.

Opt

I drove over to the college house today, couldn't stand the thought of that tree still standing in the back yard, so I took my chainsaw and had some therapy..........

Was another tough day, I seem to be grieving more each day. I guess I was more attached to that boy than I ever realized.

While I was at the house I had to move his car and when I was in it I found his last note, his dad had looked in the car on Thursday but had missed it. I called them and read the note over the phone to them, took me awhile to get it out. Then I stopped by their house on the way home and left it with them.

My WW and DD are both going to speak at the funeral on Tuesday, the WW read me what she plans to say and it's beautiful. That is one thing she does well is write and speak.

Next few days will be long ones,

Like anything else I just have to get thru the next little bit, not the whole thing, and as bad as I feel right now it's way worse for my DD and the parents of that fine young man.

Well it's about time for an update....

Usually when a young person dies the funeral is massive and this one was. The family is highly respected in our community, parents very active in their church (as was their son), and community. The outpouring of support was amazing. My DD and WW did a wonderful job speaking and held up well.

I was proud of the father who was able to speak about his son, I can't imagine being able to hold myself together enough to do that, the whole service was beautiful.

As for me I'm much better today, and continue to recover. After the funeral the family went back to my college house and cleaned out the rest of their son's belongings, I then spent the rest of father's day weekend getting the house ready to sale. Sad but went well enough.

I had a pretty weak moment that week and wanted to tell the WW she could have it all if she would just let me go. I call my best friend and finally promised him I would keep my mouth shut for at least a week and see how I feel.

It was great advise and I have alot more fight in me now, we finally got an appraisal on our farm started, the guy came out this past Thursday, should have the results in a week or so. Then the negotiations begin again.

I glad I didn't "give the farm away" in a weak moment but it is a sign that I'm on the edge and probably stayed in my attempted recovery to long, I should have more fight in me to see this part thru.......

I scored a sweet work trip that has several days in Hawaii, and I have the DD's and my DS coming out to join me, without the WW, (she wanted to come, said she hoped that we would continue to do family trips together but understood that wanted to do it this way) I'm liking that and hope it all comes together and the kids and I have a better than a great time..... I have no illusions that the WW will see the light and rethink her position, still hold that hope that the nightmare would be over that the WW would see what her actions are doing to our family and marriage,

I know in my heart that all that can be done to save the marriage has been done and short of a miracle by God that it won't change .

In 2/10 it looks like there had been NC for many months (Plan B letter thread). Maybe this is bad form, but could you give an ever so brief synopsis since then?

...miracles do happen.

opt