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Originally Posted by tst
Mrs. V. what were some of your EP's that are not mentioned in my list of suggestions. I'm hoping you and others give some examples of your own EP's and add them on this thread as well.

I've had one FWS that I helped through this list that took photo's w/ his cell phone every 10 to 15 minutes, anytime he was away from his wife, to verify he was where he said he was.

I know of another that carried an open mic on his cell line that was connected to his wifes cell line (don't ask me how it worked?) anytime he was away. She wantred to be able to hear ALL conversations he had.....

Everyone has a different level of EP's necessary that are there to protect their spouse and to allow them feel safe again. smile
faint

Went to pull up my EP doc and realized...it's on our fritzed-out computer. GAAAAAH. I am disheartened (I put a lot of work into that!), but not beat. I can still give you some examples from my list.

*No talking to men unless it is for something necessary and unavoidable. My A started at the gym - with a few words exchanged about lifting, a handshake and an introduction. That is all it took. So now: no talking to guys unless there is absolutely no way around it. I don't shake hands with men, I don't introduce myself. If I need help in a store, I ask a female. If I am in the checkout line, I choose the lanes staffed by a woman. Etc.

*No letting my kids talk to men when Dad's not around. This is as much for my rule as it is for the importance of FC to me that I referenced above.

*Keeping my H aware of my plans for the day, calling him as I head out on errands, calling him immediately if plans change from what I've discussed with him. Much of my A (as with any A) was full of IB and me taking all of my time and doing whatever I wanted with it. Now I am accountable for my time, 100%.

These are a few. As Mel mentioned, following your list to the letter includes any and all of these more detailed EPs. Also, mine are detailed for my situation, so don't know if they'll help anyone else. They work for us, and I'm happy with that. smile


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Another particularly useful one: no texting. My phone doesn't do it. smile


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thanks so much for this thread and topic:

i have often asked FWH to read different things on this forum and this was one of them. it opened up a dialogue between us that was very helpful.

he has never written our EP's out, nor have we really discussed POJA. this gave us a chance to do so.

i lovingly let him know, that for me, written EP's would help me feel more secure in our growing relationship, would cut down on the questions that i seem to ask over and over again and would let me know that he is putting me first and thinking of me. i also was given the chance to let him know what was important to me and the things that really didn't matter.

i think we were both shocked at the diffences between us. so many times these talks end with him feeling guilty and me feeling hurt and this one did not.

thanks again for sharing your experience.....hope from pain, good from evil, rebirth among the ashes....it's a wonderfully good thing.


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M'd 22 years
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This is an excellent thread!

We have been working with Steve Harley after some bumps in the road in our R, and this topic was a huge part of what he addressed with us. He used the analogy that the WS implementing a "Protection Plan" is akin to a doctor treating a patient's injury. He also used the analogy that if my H didn't do an adequate job in this regard that I would continue to have a "limp" and never recover from the injury.

I hope it's OK but I had written more specifics regarding the "Protection Phase" that SH coached us on in my Recovery thread, so I figured I could paste it in case it might help anyone.

Originally Posted by SusieQ
We are still working with Steve. We are moving from the "Protection" phase to the "Connection" phase of coaching.

Just to recap: The protection phase included my H
a) working with SH to fully understand why the A happened and take 100% responsibility for it and convey this to me
b) change his belief system re how to protect himself from another A (this included looking at his own top ENs and looking at what ENs OW met and how he let that happen) and
c) complete an EP list that we were both satisfied with.
Oh, and SH has reiterated to both of us that it is 100% OK for me to snoop. My H has 100% changed his attitude/defensiveness about this.

Steve said my H needs to review his EP list with me regularly (weekly) or so for the time being to assure me that he understands it and knows what is on there.

So for anyone in Recovery who is stuck, just wanted to share what Steve reiterated to me in our last session... He basically said his experience is couples get stuck in R when they haven't successfully complete the Protection Phase that I outlined above, that they tend not to do well in the Connection Phase (Meeting ENs/avoiding LBers) as the BS doesn't really feel safe.


Looking back, a lot of my resentment was fueled due to the fact that I felt my H thought the A happened because of unmet ENs vs lack of boundaries. This was the very first thing that SH talked to him about. IMHO, I feel if any F?WS has this attitude, it is a redflag.

Thanks again, tst (&SMB)!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
So for anyone in Recovery who is stuck, just wanted to share what Steve reiterated to me in our last session... He basically said his experience is couples get stuck in R when they haven't successfully complete the Protection Phase that I outlined above, that they tend not to do well in the Connection Phase (Meeting ENs/avoiding LBers) as the BS doesn't really feel safe.

So very true!

Thanks for adding your protection plan. smile





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Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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bump





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Great new name, tst.

The only problem I have with your and your wife's names is that you and your wife got to them first, before my wife and I could get them. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Great new name, tst.

The only problem I have with your and your wife's names is that you and your wife got to them first, before my wife and I could get them. smile

grin





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Originally Posted by markos
Great new name, tst.

The only problem I have with your and your wife's names is that you and your wife got to them first, before my wife and I could get them. smile



grin


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Originally Posted by markos
Great new name, tst.

The only problem I have with your and your wife's names is that you and your wife got to them first, before my wife and I could get them. smile

Oh! I just now realized this! How cute.

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can i ask does SMB follow the same precautions? I know she had things happen while she was still married to you, tst.


I'm the FWW EA 2/06-3/06 NC 3/06 BH still not sure
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Every spouse should have EPs, even when there's never been an affair. EPs are the security system for your most valuable asset...your marriage.

However, Dr. H says when there's been an affair THE CONDITIONS THAT MADE AN AFFAIR POSSIBLE must be eliminated. Until those additional EPs are in place, a BS cannot and should not feel safe returning to the marriage.

HTH, whether your spouse chooses to have EPs and/or follow MB (I don't know your current situation), you should still be doing your part to protect your marriage by having stellar EPs because it's how you should have been living all along.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Glad you said something Marcos cause I was about to ask HerPapaBear if Tst knew he was running around posting with Tst's siggy. rotflmao


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ok what the heck is this HerPapaBear nonsense???.... crazy


I saw that name last night and in my drug-induce stupor thought, "WTH????....The ONLY person who should have a bear in there name is SMB. It shouldn't even be ALLOWED for anyone else.....gosh, couldn't whoever this silly man is, come up with something a bit more 'original'?"....of course, my next thought was, "OH crap...I hope it isn't SMB's stalker returning......"

Now, mind you, I didn't read whatever ProudPappyBear wrote...I was too tired. I just sorta glanced at the iPad as I was removing it from the bed. But man, I was a bit tee'ed by it....

Sooooooo.....imagine my blush when I got on today and figured out the ManBear was really TST!!!!!

Not sure if I'm "feeling" it....but hey, as long as SMB's okay with it then MY OPINION doesn't matter a hill of beans!!!!!

Not

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Y'all are beary funny!





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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Y'all are beary funny!

That was sooooo weak........ MrRollieEyes

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Originally Posted by not2fun
Ok what the heck is this HerPapaBear nonsense???.... crazy


Oh hush! stickout


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by markos
Great new name, tst.

The only problem I have with your and your wife's names is that you and your wife got to them first, before my wife and I could get them. smile

grin

I agree. TST sounds like a new kind of explosive.

At some point, I think I will become a goat. Ours just eat and poop and look cute. That is beginning to sound better and better to me. Oh! And they get to dance.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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Old Billy Goat ?

Otherwise known as OBG ?
rotflmao

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