We would live in separate rooms and he is allowed to come and go as he pleases no questions asked no explanations needed.

Lisa,

If you want to save this marriage, you must go to Plan A and stay there.

Stop LBing. No AOs or DJs.

Look good, smell good, be good when he is around. Keep the house clean.

Work on the changes FOR YOURSELF.

He is trying to do things around the house..............because he WANTS TO COME HOME.

HE WANTS TO COME HOME.

HE WANTS TO COME HOME.

You are making it very hard for him, and he is telling you that!

When you yell at him, jump on him, and fight with him, you are not a safe and loving person to be with.

Control yourself - stop trying to control him. You cannot, and never will, control him. What you need to see and understand is that each and every time you meet him with love and talk to him with love you build love between the two of you.

You build what he is looking for.

He is looking for safety - he is looking for home - he is looking for the place he remembered as "love".


Give that to him.

For now, you must do a Plan A if you want to save the marriage, and if he is going out you deal with that as it comes.


IMHO your husband is there every day because it is where he WANTS to be.

Make the door swing open and he will walk in BY CHOICE.

SB

I agree. Also, while in plan A you would act like you would act if you were in a happy healthy marriage. I say, "act" because you won't feel like doing it at all.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for all the advice but I have crossed a line of no return! I found him on the OW facebook page and I went ballistic!
I told him if he didn't stop trying to contact her or look for information about her I was going to go to see her husband and expose him again! I know this AO was a waste of time..... this has always been my issue and what I am in therapy for!
He then told me if i went over there since he hasn't had communication with her he would take all his stuff and it would be over! That told me right there he is still either in the A or having feelings for her.

He also told me we had this conversation yesterday about you accusing me instead of asking me about stuff.

We continued to argue and he said you are making the chances of me coming home virtually impossible and maybe it would just call it quits and move on I think that is the best.

I dont want that all i want if for you to come back home. He then said I already told you I cant do this.... what am I going to come home for all this arguing and fighting?

He said he was bringing the kids over and I told him to keep them for a while.

I was very upset about the whole thing and just went to the garage and sat next to his car. He came home with the kids and they were worried when they couldn't find me. My daughter saw me and I told her to tell him to go and to take her brother and sister inside.

I then went on to do the stupidest thing ever I slashed my wrists very superficially but enough to mark myself. Then he came out and i didn't want him to see what I did because then he would really think i was insane

I have to tell you I feel like I am going crazy. I am a very strong willed person and I cant believe I even went to that extreme.
My kids were crying because I didn't want to see anyone and it was a very bad situation.

He is sooo angry with me right now as he should be. My friend talked to him and he told her he doesn't want to come home he just has been doing what he could to make the transition easier for me.
She told him to leave me alone and to stop coming over to do things and to watch movies and to do laundry. If you don't want to be with her then just cut it off.

He told me this was the last straw for him that we are broken up and we had to move on from there.

I stayed at my friends house and he stayed at our house with the kids

I have reassured my children i will be ok but I know what happened can never happen again I will not do this to them

He told me this morning he is now afraid to leave me because he thinks I will really cause myself harm

I made an appointment with my therapist for today and I will get through this but I know that my actions are almost unforgivable and that I have pushed him over the edge of no return.

Thanks for all the advice but I just imploded any chance I had to save my marriage!

Please do not judge me to harshly!

I see no hope now but just total separation and divorce

It very sad that I was unable or just unwilling to be patient and stick to plan A!

Until I got to the point where you slashed your wrists, it seemed like gaslighting and bullying to me on his part. I was reading the screen thinking that this is all par for the course and had you read ALL of the info on this site and other people's threads, you would see some of the same situations over and over again.

I am not a mental health professional and I am incapable of helping you through this type of episode. If and when you are ready to implement MB Plans into your marriage, I will be here to help you. Until then, take care of yourself and get some good help IRL.

Lisa, I am so sorry y you are goin thru all this...i attempted suicide also, so I know how debilitating the pain is. My WH treated and said a lot of the same things as yours, scotty is right....its bullying and gaslighting...

What you are going thru is extremely traumatic and he is making it worse by the way he treats you....I am glad you are going to see a therapist, talking to one helped me... some AD's would help too...I just read your last post and my heart breaks for you...

Just remember, your kids...they need you.....and dont let your WH blame you for his leaving, its all on him....I mean he dumped all this on you and then gets angry at you for finally not being able to take it?!!!! PLease take care of yourself, I dont know if you can handle a Plan A....its very emotionally draining.

Your kids need you okay...I was in your shoes and I promise it does get easier, the pain will lessen significantly over time, okay?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the understanding and for the advice! I still want to do plan A but I am not sure I can handle plan A

I told him this morning that we can not continue on this path and that I felt maybe total comm blackout except for the things that had to do with the kids was necessary for me to start the healing process.

I told him I still loved him and would love for him to come home but not if he was doing it because he felt he had to in order to make sure I didnt do anything stupid.

He said he needed time and I was unwilling to so that and that he didnt know the answers right now.

He also told me he will do whatever I want because he doesnt want to hurt anymore and he doesnt want me hurting anymore. That If I want to cut him off then he will have to continue taking it one day at a time and that he will try to respect my wishes but that the choice was ultimately mine. He also said if he knew in his heart if he wanted it to be over that he would have told me already but that he is unsure, but now all he wants is to keep me safe.

I am at a loss on where to go from here honstly I do not know!
I felt I had read alot of the posts on this site and had a good grasp on things but yesterday was just tooo much for me to even bear, let alone comprehend I hope my therapist can help me.
-----------------------
Me 34
WS 36
Married 18yrs
D-day May 3rd
A started march 2010
Ended May 2010

Lisa, it sounds to me like you are going through too much emotional torture to continue like this. I am not alarmed by your superficial wrist-slashing because I think you're trying to get his attention, not harm yourself. Please tell me if I'm wrong about that! If you feel that you are going to harm yourself you need to contact your therapist immediately.

Having said all that - if you are at a point where you are damaging yourself physically something needs to change. I would think that change needs to be this business of your H coming and going and doing all of this cake-eating that he's been doing.

I know you feel the A is over, but I disagree. I believe there is still contact in some way, and I suspect he's bought another phone.

I don't think it's healthy for you or the kids to continue in Plan A - your AO, LBs, etc, are not helping you maintain a good one. He is also emotionally abusing you by using your home as a base for his comings and goings. That is unfair to you. He needs to cut bait or fish. He is trying to get you to agree to what amounts to an open marriage, by living in another bedroom and running his own schedule with no regard for you. He wants it all. And it looks like you're giving it to him, while chastizing him for it.

I'd like to hear some other opinions, here - Scotty, stillhere, Mel - time for Plan B?

Have you seen the phone bill yet? I know for a fact they are still contacting, you need to confirm that and expose this A.

I'm sorry about all that has happened, but you can still save this marriage, when you expose this A he will act 4 times MEANER then he was last night so you need to be prepared.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? You need to start protecting yourself and the kids.

I want to say no more love busters, but we have already mentioned that to you.

You need to stay calm, I know this will be the hardest thing to do, but if you truly want to save your marriage then you need to stay calm.

I'm glad you are going to a therapist, to help you.

If he is not willing to go home, then you need to go straight into plan B as soon as you found evidence that they are still contacting each other.

1. Find your evidence on the phone bill
2. expose this A to EVERYONE including the OWH
3. Write your plan B letter and give it to him.

I'm not sure this is the best thing so if anyone has any different opinion then please let her know.

After you do those things, he will be VERY upset he will say mean and nasty things to you, everything you can possibly think of, but YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG, stay calm. Want to know what I said to my husband when he exposed my A?

"I might have ruined the marriage, BUT YOU ENDED IT!"

I said that while I kicked, punched, screamed at him, I probably said other mean things, threatened him etc. But you have to expose this A if you want your husband back.

Here is what a Plan B letter looks like I got this from newpetals thread.

[i]Dearest WH,

After much thought, I have made a decision on the road I need to follow. I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with POSOW was possible.

I have learned better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOW.

Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. Please let me know when you will be back in town and I will arrange to have your bag by the front door. You can return while I am at work to pack up the rest of it.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

You can change the personal things if you need, but here is an example of a plan b letter.

Lisa, when you exposed how did you do it? Does everyone know? Including your kids? All relatives, employer if it applies, etc?

Definitely expose it to everyone...and it does sound like the A is still on...and I do agree that Plan A might be to much for your emotional stability right now...Plan A is great if you can handle it...but if you cant then it will actually be detrimental to R and your mental health...

Yes the children know, I also told all of our friends and family members inlcuding his family and mine. His family told me to leave him and let him go that if its meant to be he will come back. They do not work together she works for children and Youth and He works for Fedex.

I do know he has a secret phone I saw he even gave it to me to show me it wasnt activated but then he took it back.

The OWH said he is 100% positive that they are NC but I dont know if he knows for a fact

So what is your next step? What is your next Plan?

I dont know If I am strong enought to do plan A. I think plan B shouldgo into effect for my own mental health.

Then that is what I would do, did you read that plan B letter?

You have to make sure when you in plan B is to NOT contact him or have his try to Contact you, you need to find someone who can help you with this, if he needs to talk to you then he needs to talk to that person first.

You need to write a Plan B letter, do you have the SAA book, if not there are some samples on the notable posts thread in the list of forums...

You need to have an IM, who do you think would be good at doing that for you?...If you find someone that would be able to do it..there is an intermediary training thread that you should have her read or go over with her...she needs to completely understand how the stuff needs to be filtered...

Did you read up on Plan B yourself?...the best Plan B is complete darkness...which I think will be a godsend for you right now...to protect you from his harshness and stupidity....

lisa, there are very few who can keep up Plan A when a WS is rubbing the affair in your face. Believe me, he knows what he's doing. He knows exactly how to push your buttons to get you start screaming and raging. It's what he wants, because then he can blame YOU and tell everyone that is wife is just crazy and he has no idea why.

In his mind, your "bad behaviour" excuses his cheating and makes everything your fault, even though it's his lying, cheating and deliberate cruelty that's causing your extreme upset and outrage.


Absolutely. Having it all is the goal of every WS, or else they would just leave at the start. But it IS emotional abuse of the first order and he knows bloody well that it drives you screaming crazy. But as I said, he's fine with that because then he gets to be the poor poor victim of his crazy mean insane wife.

I went through very much the same thing. Did not actually attempt suicide, but understand the feeling. It's not for "attention". It's because you'll do anything to get the pain to stop.

I ended up in a voluntary psych ward for five days. It was no big deal, really - not like what it sounds. They just put you in a stress-free environment and start/adjust your meds. That's when I went on ADs and stayed on them for another year.

The ADs killed enough of the pain (that's really all they do) so that I could disconnect from XWH and just sit on a couch and do nothing while he packed up and moved out.

I totally agree that it's way past time for Plan B. Get this cruel, selfish nasty man out of your life so he can no longer abuse you and your children with a cheater's lies and neglect and disrespect.

Believe me, he's far more messed up than you are and HE needs to go.

You do know that this is all complete garbage, designed to keep you guilty and confused and dangling and hoping while he keep his affair going (and bides his time until he has both a wife and an OW again). Right?

If you haven't already, please get to your doctor or emergency room TODAY.

They can give you a prescription for antidepressants and you can get started on them, but they take a while to work (like, a few weeks).

They can also give you a prescription for an anti-anxiety med like Ativan which works right away (like, within the hour). Most people in this kind of situation use both for a while, as directed. That's what I had to do.

lisa, this has gone past the point where you can handle it yourself. Please get to the doc's office or the ER *right now today* to get some help for the pain and torment, just so you can function and not continue to suffer so badly.

Then go to Plan B and tell WH that he can come home if/when he thinks you and the children deserve a full-time relationship with him - that your family deserves a full-time husband and father and that as long as HE doesn't think you do, he no longer has a place in your home.

Please let us know how it's going.