YA!! Ty you all again! Wheels just came home for lunch and gave me a big squeeze! I am so glad that he found this site but I think it was that book "no Mr. nice guy" to give him balls on what he had to do to expose us! When I saw that book I teased him a bit cause i thought it was so funny....I'm not laughing now :P

What my actual meaning was, more BS's that will allow a WS to have the opportunity to make the changes after being hurt by such a terrible act. After that the outcome is dependent on the WS's ability to follow through.

I had no intention of causing a stir.

Wow - this is soooo awesome! I would love for Mrs. Linus to join me here on this Forum some day. I was always impressed that Mr. and Mrs. Wondering were here posting together and offering some wonderful, helpful information. It's great to have 'Mrs. Wheels' joining her hubby! SR, your first post on this thread is fantastic. I would cry like a baby if Mrs. Linus ever posted something like that!

We are still early in R and have a couple of issues still to resolve before we get to the point where you are, but we are progressing. I'll be updating my thread (ShesNotWalkingTheWalk) with some details, and would love SR's thoughts on what's going on.

God Bless both of you!

Ok so a couple weeks ago wheels told me that he deleted OM from FB, don't ask why he didn't do it sooner cause I don't even know anyway, that didn't bother me, was actually relieved that he did so! I no longer have a facebook page and probably wont ever have one, if I did set one up my husband will approve the friends not I. Anyway, so last night wheels told me that the OM was trying to contact him, apparently trying to still apologize. After he told me i got so frightened, then I ask him if he replied back! And wheels said "NO WAY! Never going to talk to him!" I was so scared that wheels replied back, I don't want the OM know how we are doing, I want him to forget about us all together! There is no reason why he should be contacting wheels, when he told me he didn't reply I was so relieved! You have know idea how scared I was when he told me, he told me right before I had to leave for a meeting. After I left I said a prayer in my heart asking god to give me strength to fight this feeling I was having at that time. I went to the meeting feeling so much better, even forgot about the conversation, I kept telling god how thankful I was for giving me a loving husband, and a second chance to this man's life.

At this point I am very happy, wheels and I have grown so much since the A ended and I am not going to have anything screw that up! I am taking every precaution for it NOT to happen again!

Yeah I was keeping it from Sapph but I thought I should at least warn her. The OM tied to contact me twice. First time was a little over a month ago, and the second time was about 2 weeks ago. Apparently he is feeling guilty? I read into it as he is trying to get contact back....no way is that going to happen!

What I should really do is remind him that he should respectfully not contact me or wife ever, and leave it at that. I really didnt want to let sapph know, but hiding things like that would eat me up inside. It is an issue that I think we need to discuss, and at least warn her that the OM is trying to contact me. Who knows what else he might try.

One time we were driving from Washington, and a strange call came in from a strange number. No one talked just silence. (Often, when OM would call sapph, he used a phone card and it would go to a random number in the states.) This also caused Sapphs heart to skip a beat, and she got scarred. Who knows if it was OM, but I really don't want a stalker, stalking me, my wife or, god help me, my kids.

I guess it is time for me to emphasise NO CONTACT. I will do it, not sapph, that would be a bad idea.

Thanx babe!

Sapphire, your story is inspirational..thank you for sharing and posting your thoughts. Do me (and perhaps others) a favor. Tell us some of your 'typical' wayward phrases that you used over and over...tell us why you were thinking them, what happened to change them, etc.

I KNOW I have to ignore her words....but sometimes, it is tough. Knowing what is coming out and why from someone like you, I believe, would be very helpful. Thank you.-

Oh I have tuns!! I've actually been helping SOT out, so if you want to read his post I give a lot of examples of WW phrases, and I also explain to him why she says these things and why she does what she does.

First thing I want to post for you though is what I truly know to be true of WS

I posted this on SOT thread and many more who I think needed it.

1. We want to avoid our family because it will be easier for us to justify what we are doing (the A). When we see them happy, we get angry, upset, jealous, resentful, etc. SO the reason why she doesn't want to see you and the kids is because of this reason. Same reason why we don't like it when our BS is nice to us, because we feel bad on what we are doing, so we just get angry, that is why PLAN A is sooo important! So that the WS feels guilty all the time, and when the fog lifts they will realize that the best thing for them is right in front of them, their FAMILY!!)

2. We are very unhappy in our marriage because we know we are the ones ruining it. I think its soo hilarious that the WS will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Even if she tells you that the A is over, she is lying, we lie, again to justify what we are doing, to convince our self's that the only thing that can help us become happy is to have an A, but the BIG OL TRUTH about that is the only reason why we are unhappy in our marriage, is because WE ARE having an A, and it is addiction. Isn't it funny when you hear all these people who say "I haven't been happy for years!" but yet the only person who is making themselves unhappy is them self? So they think having an A will FIX it, and guess what? It only DEEPENS there unhappiness.

3. WS LOVES to blame their unhappiness to there BS, we think it is their fault for letting us find someone else, we will think of every little thing that our spouse has done to us that made us feel bad. Letting them know that these were the reasons why we had an A, but in reality it is just another lie! WS are very good at lying to everyone, we are the best lires, want to know why? Because we do the biggest lie there is, and that, is WE LIE TO OURSELVES! We literally self sabotage our marriage and life! WS are very selfish, until that FOG lifts we do not realize it.

I'll think of some good phrases today on what WS say and WHY we say them, I'll write them when I can, when I get back

Thanks SR! You have been very helpful to many of us on here and you are appreciated. Wish you and Wheels nothing but the best.

This is my FAVORITE phrases that ALL BS say...

"I love you, but not IN LOVE with you."

this is the best lie that WS give there BS's mainly because of these reasons...

1. They know deep down they are still in love with you.

2. This is the only thing they can say to justify what they are doing with out feeling guilty, and does it work? H3LL NO! they still feel guilty, it's just another lie to them.

3. They think by saying this over and over to there BS they will ACTUALLY believe what they are saying, it's kinda like trying to convince your black shirt to be the color white, when in reality it will ALWAYS be BLACK!

Your WS KNOWS deep down they love you (in love!) but the way they feel inside they always have to lie to ourselves and the person we love the most, so we can stop feeling this emptiness, loneliness, and unhappy. So saying "i love you, but not in love with you" they think it will fix this pain they have....

IT DOESN'T WORK!!!

We can lie, cheat, and try to be happy, but in the end we ARE NOT!

Another CLASSIC phrase of a WS is...

"I have been unhappy for years!"

This one cracks me up, yes I can believe that all marriages have there issues, but the funny thing is even those marriages that have been SOO happy say this? Makes me laugh so hard! People we know it's just another LIE!

But here are the REASONS why WS say this phrase.

1. Once "feelings" are established with the OM or OW, WS will think of EVERYTHING, that there spouse has ever done to them, that they considered abusive, emotional, etc. I mean they will think of things that you did even BEFORE you were married!

2. Then they will start thinking...."Well, really I wasn't happy when he said this to me a couple years ago!" THAT'S where we get "OH I haven't been happy for years!!" When in REALITY, it was just ONE incident when you made them feel low, sad, angry, etc. After that they will start thinking about EVERYTHING you did to them and try to BLAME you for the A!

3. Last but NOT least, this is just ANOTHER LIE!!!!!! I have been happily married with my husband before this A happened, and guess what??? I said this EXACT PHRASE!! It's all BULLSH*T!

Even in a rocky marriage, every marriage has issues there is no doubt about it, but you know what? That does NOT give them the right to go cheat, trust me, IT WONT make them HAPPY! It will just make them MORE UNHAPPY!

This is another phrased (lie) that I gave my husband....

"I only THINK of you as a brother."

After awhile the BS will get tired of saying "Oh I love you, but not in love with you." Eventually it will get boring and they will need something else to back it up...back it up with another LIE that is!

1. WS, wont like kissing you, hug you, even make love to you, they start thinking "whats wrong with me?" what's wrong with them is that they are having an A and all those "Love" emotions are going to someone else. So when they distant from you, ignore your physical touches, they don't like it, mainly for guilt. They will start thinking that this is only brotherly love or sisterly love.

2. They will literally feel like they are cheating with there OM or OW, I know how sick this sounds! Because it IS! But that is how WS think, they dont want to "LOVE" there BS because they only think of that ONE person, and that person is not you

3. They know deep down that they love you, and instead of hurting your feelings, they will always mention loving you as a brother and sister. Because they can't explain what they are feeling, they think "How can I love TWO people?" they can't! When the fog finally starts to lift they will realize that the only person they TRULY LOVED was the person that they were already WITH! The other was just a fantasy drug.

I'll start with these three tonight...but I have more

More more more. Thank you. I do not know what you look like, talk like, anything...however, when I read your posts, all I see is my wife, usually sitting at the dinner table, telling ME those things. AND I LOVE to see the reasons behind these statements. Although I don't have my wife back, etc...these days, I feel PRETTY good..because I think everything is going according to these textbook ways that I learned here on these forums.

Looking forward to more..thank you for taking the time. I HOPE to be able to look back at these and laugh one of these days

Have you had a chance to read Resonance's thread? Just throwing it out there.

Which one, Scotland. The one she wrote about "Inside the Wayward Mind" or the most current one 2 years later where she acknowledges she never worked MB?

I think it might be helpful for SR to read the most current one to see what can happen when a wayward starts to focus too soon on something other than THEIR marital recovery.

I was talking about the most current one actually.

While I was reading Resonance's most current thread, all I could think about was how I hope this doesn't happen to SR. I would LOVE for you and Wheels to make it. Not just "fake it." I don't know that this is where you were going SR, but I was worried about it and thought that maybe Resonance's thread could help you NOT fall into that trap.

I'll read it

Is it normal though when WS wants to read marital books with their spouse though?

I understand why you are worried

Right now I am really happy

I think what was bugging me was that you seemed to be focusing on helping others and I just wanted to make sure that you were worried about taking care of YOUR side of the fence FIRST. You can always pay it forward. Why don't you let the "vets" on here help you out? Don't worry about what other WSs think about and just tell us your story and how you are doing. I am sure that there are a BUNCH of people who are lurking and would learn a lot from your story and not just what you WANT to teach them. Knowing that others out there have felt or done the same things will make them feel like they aren't alone.

Have you read other recovered couple's threads?