That is the glossiest way that I have ever heard someone admit to being a selfish person that doesn't care about anybody else.

Hey Opt,

I know these were words from Mrs. Opt, but I wouldn't be surprised ONE BIT if I end up hearing the exact same thing when I'm a little further into the process. I am dealing with a "make your own rules" kinda gal -- I think I've always been dealing with it on some level, but maybe it finally had to rear its ugly head and take control.....

Yeah, "make your own rules" may translate into selfishness, an inflated sense of entitlement, or hyper-independence. Well, regardless of what the translation is, it sure as heck isn't conducive to being a part of a healthy and mutually beneficial marriage.

Opt, going forward from here, your radar will be on super-sensitve alert for other "make your own rules" kinda gals. I know mine will be. We'll probably be able to sense them a mile away.

And when we do, we'll be sure to high-tail it in the other direction........

TBC

Thanks for sharing, Opt.

Glad the proceedings went quick and painless. I'm still wearing my ring, also, and will continue to do so until everything is official.

You guys talk about dating. I'm nowhere close to that right now. I haven't even figured out what I want going forward. Do I want to eventually find another partner to share my life with? Right now the answer is no, maybe that will change with time. Do I want to date around and have fun? The thought of that makes me feel no better than my WW. Do I just want to devote myself to the boys and making myself happy? That's the plan for the short term, but will it be enough as time goes by?

These are all things I have to sort out.

I can't find my source right now, but I read somewhere that it takes about one year of recovery for every four years of marriage to regain the right balance, or frame of mind, to date sanely.

I'm like you, schtoop. I actually created an account on OKCupid, started to look around and then shut it down. I'm nowhere near ready to start dating right now. Maybe in the future, but I have other things (work, health, sanity) I need to address, first.

I know. I go back and forth on it (dating). I definitely feel differently now that the court has approved our separation agreement and has given a time frame. I was really gung-ho to start dating sometime after the court date, but now I'm thinking about re-grouping myself. Exploring some of my own interests without the outside influence of anyone, however good their intentions might be. Fixing up the house has given me lots of time to think and process what has gone on in the past months and years, plus allowed some personal creative expression. I also want to re-read some MB material now that I have a new perspective on it.

Fred, I've seen similar bits of wisdom on recovery. I do think we have the inside track as members of MB, due to the deep understanding we gain about the anatomy of affairs, plus the support we get and provide each other. My sister's been divorced 12 years (no adultery) and she struggles with things that she should definitely moved on from - still single. No good therapy or support groups, the poor thing.


I wouldn't even start thinking about that now, kid (even though I did while at about the point you're at). You're feelings will change, trust me. Then they'll change again. and again. That's what I'm going through. I think it's all part of the process and it can't be rushed. Fred's doing it right.

opt

I agree. Go at your own pace and do what is right for you and your family. I don't believe there is a one size fits all formula for recovery. Date when you want to date. Don't date if you don't want to date. That is the upside to divorce. You get to do what is right for YOU.

Opt,

Haven't written to you in a while, just wanted to say I'm glad your thru the court part and I hope the rest of the recovery goes well for you. I guess you didn't need any of that stuff I suggested but it's always good to be prepared....

One poster wrote to always prepare for the worst and when that doesn't happen then your pleasantly surprised.... that might have been you?

Any way I wish I was where you are now.... still ever so slowly working toward our split....

Congrats !! I think you did it about as good as it could be done.

Well SC, needing the material or not was only half the equation since gathering it and having it gave me some peace of mind entering the courthouse. It gave me confidence, which is always a good thing; I would even go so far as to say that if the judge had sensed something "off" he may have second-guessed himself and who knows what could have happened. I would suggest to anyone that they have, as you say, as much documentation as possible. I would like to have had more accurate records of child-care history up to that point, but hadn't been very good about writing all of that down.

Good luck moving forward, I haven't had much time to keep up with threads but I'll check in soon.

~opt

Optimism,

Glad you are moving forward.

I know what you mean about gathering all the supporting material you can. I have assembled list after list of things showing me as a great parent and her as a not-so-great one.

I'm feeling fairly confident, and hope I can force her hand in mediation without showing too many cards. The only thing I don't have concrete support for is the fact that I am the primary care giver. I'm sure she will claim that she does just as much.

I did not write down such details in my journal as getting the kids up, making the breakfast and packing their lunch, cooking dinner, getting them to bed. I do these things every day so I didn't think to track them.

Good heavens, you don't need all that. I would expect a judge would throw you out of the courtroom if you started getting into that level of detail. Family court is not a warm and fuzzy place; stick with the basic facts, like you've been doing.

Going out to dinner with a friend of mine who's wife has been cheating on him for a year. I pleaded with him to get into MB; won't do it. Oh, well. It's been good to see how things go withOUT a plan.

opt

{{{Opt}}},

I'm so sorry about not getting here sooner. I have actually written a couple of posts from my phone and then something happens and their gone, I get FRUSTERATED, UGHHHHH, and then I don't get back to it.....I know....EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES!!!!...(feel free to give me a good ol' 2x4 for it.... )...Oh, and I forgot to mention, as you know, I don't tend to stray too much from SAA and Recovery....(yeppers, another EXCUSE).....so with that please accept my sincerest, humblest apology for not getting something in at the court date....which BTW, I did remember that week and was praying for ya....WAY TO GO....of course, it may have been good I wasn't here, cuz I might have had to smack ya on the noggin' for driving to court with STBXWW....

So, I see the house is moving along. Kozy Khaki, huh?? Well, I suppose that is better than Purple Passion, though when I first saw that I though you wrote Tacky Khaki......

just kiddin'.......

Now for a "serious moment"....




you aren't seriously trying to make me break out my Sugar Ray Not are you????

REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT?????......


I am SOOOOOOO hoping this means you have shelved that idea until the papers are signed, sealed, and delivered. After that, you have my full BLESSING.....

Really, you already know WHY I am on you about this. I want you keep on the straight and narrow, not for my or anyone else's approval, but because it would be good for you. You made such great personal strides during Plan A, lets keep that going. And quite honestly, even if you did do something silly, I wouldn't get you too bad, its just I know of some now-divorced BS on here who jumped the gun during the divorce process who truly regret it. I would hate to see you have to work through that.....

Anywho, I am quite proud of you. I think you have learned a lot and will continue to do so...and for you, the BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!!

{{{{{Opt}}}}}

Not

ps...how are the kiddo's doing???

Hey Opt - just checking in to see how you're doing. Seems like you're in an OK place, considering everything.

Good luck and God bless ya buddy.

Thanks Not2Fun, no need to apologize; I'm honored that you followed me over here to check in. And thanks so much for the prayers (and the hugs!).

I hear what you're saying. Part of getting through that phase of the divorce process was looking forward to dating - you know, like spending time with someone who admires me and respects me; haven't had that in quite some time.

Now that the court episode is behind me, I realize there is more processing that needs to take place, and that takes time. I'll refrain from formal dating, but 110 more days of solitary confinement I can't do. I'll focus on the kids and home improvements, but I honestly don't see the point of depriving myself of some female interaction. Is it in case ww changes her mind? I doubt her Fairy Godmother is going to change her into Cinderella in the next 110 days.

~optimism

Thanks Linus. Glad things are still going well for you. Keep it up and keep us posted.

opt

Opt,

Glad you are in the position to help someone else. I would suggest just handing the friend your copy of SAA and let him read it on his own time.

Hey Not, it may be helpful to illustrate to Opt examples of BS who "jumped the gun" and regretted it. Frankly, I can see Opt's point, can appreciate the island he's inhabited, so to speak, and can understand the impact of his length of stay there.

Given where he is in the process, highlighting the upside to staying the course may be helpful. (I know how the WS could offer an olive branch, even at this late stage, and if Opt has, well, gone in a different direction, that branch becomes nothing more than kindling....

Opt, 110 days is rough.

TBC

You can do it, Opt!

I am like a SF camel, I can cross deserts and go without.

I once had a 19-year streak without (so I was shy and a late bloomer).

My current streak is going on two years (and she convinced me it was just her low libido and self esteem issues).

110 days is nothing.

No problem, friend!!!!......

I know. Sorta like when you're on a diet and you tell yourself that once you get those last 10 lb's. off you are gonna treat yourself to a double scoop hot fudge brownie sundew, with extra hot fudge of course. Here's the problem, unless you have LEARNED to eat those in moderation you end up getting another (because 1 more won't hurt....), then another, and another......get my drift?????....

And yes, I truly understand NEEDING to get those EN's met (admiration and respect) when they haven't been in such a longgggggg time, however, your still in the process of healing and learning about yourself. I would like you to develop a greater sense of self-respect. You've done so very awesome up to this point, I'd like to see ya stay on that course.....

This is your Taker coming out. And we ALL know what happens when we allow our Taker to rule the roost.........if you allow this to happen, then some poor girl is going to get hurt and I don't think you will like yourself too much in the aftermath of that. It may not be your INTENTIONS but our intentions don't keep bad outcomes from happening.....(I have a personal story I can share about this if you want....it's not dating/marriage related but the outcome is still the same.....)
......you're too funny!!!!!

Opt, you are still relatively a young pup......109 days isn't FOREVER!!!!

Your forcing my hand.....I'm gonna have to use your OWN words against ya buddy....

>
These were YOUR words to SoL on 03/04/10.......(I just KNEW I was gonna need them when I marked this....... ). I'm telling ya, stick to your personal journey and growth. Stick to YOUR promise to yourself.......because if I learned ANYTHING it's that the greatest gift to oneself is the gift of self-respect and self-love........



Oh good God NO!!!!!!! This is for YOU and you alone.........

You still are unraveling your WW from you (did ya happen to notice you still wrote WW above, not even XWW???.......), and until you do that, you just aren't ready for the dating scene.

You know how the VETS tell everyone who enters Recovery that it's a marathon not a sprint??? Well, this is true even IF you are only doing personal Recovery......time my friend, time.....and honestly, in the bigger picture of life, 109 days isn't all that long......

I really would like you to see the final leg of this part of YOUR life done well........you have made such amazing strides so far........

Not

Nicely done, N2F!

I mean, seriously, when someone can dredge up your own words and use them to quell your own argument? Wow. That is impressive.

Okay, let me play along, though. You're sayin' he should go the distance -- another 110 days or so -- for his PERSONAL recovery. I get that, but who's to say that he will be sufficiently recovered in 110 days? Isn't personal recovery defined by the individual and not the state of Montana, or Kentucky, or wherever?

I guess my point is that if we want to limit the arguments for waiting to allow the individual to heal, and learn, and grow personally, we must be cognizant that every person is different and every situation is different -- with it's own timeframe of isolation and unmet needs.

Being respectful of a D process not fully baked is a completely reasonable argument as well. I'm not sitting here telling Opt to go jump in the first pool available to him, either.

I am a BIG fan of hot fudge brownie sundaes, too, N2F. And the moderation thing still holds true for me. I'm lookin' at 180 days of coolin' my jets, and if they were any cooler at this point, you'd think they were being stored in a refrigerator, but that's a T/J we just don't need right now.....

Thanks for elaborating though. It made sense to me.

TBC

Not, you're killing me. (just kidding)

Thanks everyone. Definitely helps keep things in perspective to be here and get the input.

I have to admit that when I said this:
I was thinking more of the court date. I didn't realize the judge was going to slap another four months onto my sentence.

I also think I'm somewhat precocious with my recovery and don't really need the typical months and months of re-discovering myself. I've always been good a transitions and this whole experience has helped me see how truly unhappy I was in the M, and what a bad example I was setting for the kids.

HOWEVER:
This makes a lot of sense. I don't wanna accidently bring a bomb to a knife fight.


So, the plan is to continue to deprive myself of dopamine, and banana splits, for 108 and 1/2 more days. How about some ideas on how to keep my overactive imagination fenced in.
*Keep after the home improvement projects.
*Read FILSIL
*Spend lots of time with the kids.
*Start working out more.
*Decline offers

Any other suggestions?

Thanks again to everyone.


opt